evanescentworld Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 And evanescentworld - forgot to thank you for your earlier post, and letting me know that his behavior is not a cultural thing. He tries to blame a lot of things on the cultural difference...such as his inability to go out with friends and only have 1 or 2 beers and not get drunk every time (not that he goes out often, because he doesn't.) He says drinking heavily is just part of British culture. There IS a drinking culture in the UK. But it's mainly an 'affliction' of the younger set. And even then, not everyone in the 'younger set' belongs to this 'culture'. He's talking hogwash. Heavy drinking? On UK salaries? With the price of alcohol? The 'young' can afford it, because they don't have the domestic overheads the older generation has. The older generation are by no means as liberal with their money as that would seem to indicate.
sandylee1 Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I think there was a breakdown in communication that caused the problem. In his mind you didn't make it clear that you would take your daughter to school. So he was still preparing to do so and ended up ticked off. It doesn't matter that you were making things easier for him, but it's about planning. Unfortunately not all men are great at being your rock and safe haven. I say this to my H or something similar. Displaying and projecting himself like that just isn't him, but I just get over it. I'll say it jokingly and through my arms around his neck when I say you need to have my back and stuff like that and I see that it does get him thinking. I've noticed him being more of my KISA (knight in shining armour). He may view the crying as just turning on the waterworks And ttrying to manipulate the situation. I do understand your points to an extent and counselling may well help. Another thing is the difference in Brits and Americans. He may be irritated by the loudness, but he married you so I can't see it bothered him that much. Communication is the key here. You guys just need to get better at it and hopefully you'll be just fine.
Author SunshineGirlie Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 His behaviour towards you and attitude to this, even before you were married, would have been an indication of his character and resect fo you. He has absolutely ZERO respect for you. None at all. Zilch. A man who respects his partner would never treat her in this way, either before or after marriage. And (forgive me for saying so) why should he respect you when you have none for yourself? Granted, it was possibly him that eroded it - but you need to show a bit more chutzpah, lady. because respect is earnt - and you need to garner that for yourself, because he's not going to provide it.... The three main qualities - necessities - vital components for a relationship to survive and thrive, are without any question, Respect (for self and partner) Trust (Hmmm...) and Communication. They are the 'Tripod' that sustains and supports the relationship. Tell me, remove one of them - any one you like - and how do the other 2 function? That my dear, is what your marriage is held up by. Yes, this is true. Very true. So how do you build up respect in someone else? I know that usually, when I do begin to cry he gets very annoyed to the point of almost angry, and that could cause him to lose respect for me. But it's not like I cry because he has said something in the wrong tone - I cry because it is so hurtful to me when his nasty side comes out, and I just can't understand how he can be so amazing but then turn so nasty - and to direct all that nastiness at me - it just hurts. I'm not willing to leave him at this stage of the game. I've already been divorced once and we haven't been married for very long. I guess what I'm asking is...how do you build that respect back up? Or can you not?
Author SunshineGirlie Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 I think there was a breakdown in communication that caused the problem. In his mind you didn't make it clear that you would take your daughter to school. So he was still preparing to do so and ended up ticked off. It doesn't matter that you were making things easier for him, but it's about planning. Unfortunately not all men are great at being your rock and safe haven. I say this to my H or something similar. Displaying and projecting himself like that just isn't him, but I just get over it. I'll say it jokingly and through my arms around his neck when I say you need to have my back and stuff like that and I see that it does get him thinking. I've noticed him being more of my KISA (knight in shining armour). He may view the crying as just turning on the waterworks And ttrying to manipulate the situation. I do understand your points to an extent and counselling may well help. Another thing is the difference in Brits and Americans. He may be irritated by the loudness, but he married you so I can't see it bothered him that much. Communication is the key here. You guys just need to get better at it and hopefully you'll be just fine. Possibly. I know he feels like his mum cries at inappropriate times, and that has always been a deep-seeded source of tension for him when it comes to his mum, so I can imagine that when I cry, it brings out negative emotions he has toward his mother. But that's just the armchair psychologist in me. And thank you! What's funny is that I have always thought our communication was excellent. While we met abroad, most of our relationship was spent apart, until he moved here and we got married. But I guess that although we spoke on the phone every day, it wasn't typically for hours on end - our communication was primarily written. We clearly still need to work improving our verbal and face-to-face communication.
evanescentworld Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Yes, this is true. Very true. So how do you build up respect in someone else? By changing YOUR behaviour and doing what works. Because what YOU are currently doing - isn't working - is it? I know that usually, when I do begin to cry he gets very annoyed to the point of almost angry, and that could cause him to lose respect for me. But it's not like I cry because he has said something in the wrong tone - I cry because it is so hurtful to me when his nasty side comes out, and I just can't understand how he can be so amazing but then turn so nasty - and to direct all that nastiness at me - it just hurts. Oh he doesn't give a damn why you cry, or for that matter, why his mother cries, and that is further evidence that he is a Narcissist. Total lack of empathy or understanding, just impatience and irritation at a demonstrated show of emotion. He sees it as a weakness, and it bothers him. That too, is a sign of a lack of respect, for both you AND his mother.... .... I guess what I'm asking is...how do you build that respect back up? Or can you not? Well, you can, but it will take a determined change of attitude and behaviour in you. You need to not engage with him, but just walk away when he begins throwing his weight and ego about and tell him that he needs to change his behaviour to one more like a human being before you will talk to him in a grown-up manner. because his behaviour is very, very close to that of a petulant 9-year-old. Irrational, entitled and completely fails to see that there's another side to the coin, he just sees his side and wants it to land heads, every time. You have to 'care' less, be more aloof, and treat him with less 'respect', paradoxically. When he sees you refuse to tolerate his childishness, he may well realise his tactics need changing. But you need to be consistent, determined and confident in yourself that you can pull this off. That's my opinion, based on what you've told us here. Although I wouldn't share the same bed as a cheater (even former) one more night, myself, and that to me (sorry) is a distinct lack of respect for yourself. But I promise, that's my last word on THAT issue.
Author SunshineGirlie Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Just a small update. I tried to have a productive conversation with him yesterday evening, since everything was fine and had blown over from the morning. I just wanted to let him know some of my concerns about not feeling like I had much of a voice and was afraid to even approach him with concerns because of the reactions I was frequently met with. I thought that having this conversation at a neutral time when there wasn't any bickering going on would help us come up with a solution to where I could give him the space he needs and we could resolve conflicts in the future. Big mistake. Although I was calm the entire time, never once raised my voice, was careful to choose my words (No "you never" or "you always", "it makes me feel XYZ when this happens"), etc. he became very angry and once again stonewalled and said he didn't want to talk about it, and then said he was very unhappy with everything and didn't think he was adjusting to life here. He mentioned wanting to go back to the U.K. He has said things like this before but only when he is really angry and down. His gut reaction whenever there is ANY conflict is to avoid, avoid, avoid. And running off to the U.K. would be a great way for him to escape and avoid. Not only do we not have the money for him to do this, it would be detrimental to our marriage, because what does that show him? That he can run away any time the going gets tough. But that's not the way the real world works...not to mention, what message does that send to my children? I find his reaction to want to run off when things are tough so, so immature. Anyhow, I told him that I know if you love something, set it free - but I had set him free once before. I wasn't going to do it again because we are married now. I also mentioned that he really needs to see a therapist, because he kept saying that he doesn't know who he is any more, etc. He was very agreeable and said he was actually looking forward to it. Something changed in him, because a few minutes later, I saw the warmth come back into his eyes and he became a bit emotional and started hugging me saying he's not going anywhere, that he is going to keep adapting, and that he doesn't want to leave, etc. And then he sincerely apologized multiple times for hurting me, and for hurting me so often. He promised me we were going to make things work and that we would be fine. I know he is stressed about finances, isn't where he wants to be in his career yet (not even close), he is dealing with a few health issues in his family, and he does have a lot of stress on his plate. I just wish he wasn't so cruel and cold and wouldn't threaten our relationship when these stressors begin to really weigh on his mind. What scares me a bit is I find myself slowly losing respect for him - especially with his negative talk about "I'm not cut out for this marriage thing", etc. He is SO SO negative when he is down. He is the polar opposite otherwise. These days, I just want to tell him to grow a pair and be a real man or something when he gets like that. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm just being honest. I know everyone has their down moments but he has them, what I find to be far too often - especially for a man. And then I feel like I have to step into the role of being the rock and the foundation, when I am crumbling myself inside.
evanescentworld Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I could quote your post ad infintem and pick out so much that echoes what I said to you, but if I may suggest, re-read your own post. Try to pretend you have absolutely Nooo idea who SunshineGirlie is... and answer her post referring to my earlier response... narcissistic, controlling? Bi-polar? Childish? Losing respect because he's not a 'man'...? Anything sounding familiar....?
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