Stronger14 Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Hello loveshack community, It's been a while. My devastating breakup was over 1 year ago, and I came back to this site with a few thoughts, sort of my contribution to a place that I spent much of my post-breakup time. I can only hope that my words will help and comfort those that are heartbroken, just as the threads did to help me get through mine. Am I completely happy? No. Am I working to align myself to things that will make me happy? Absolutely. The breakup First off, a brief summary of the dirty details - I was with my ex for almost 3 years. We were friends first, eventually started a relationship. We did long distance throughout my college years. Before my last semester, she ended things. Her reasoning: She wasn't happy anymore, and she wanted to "find herself". Reflections from a year later If there's one thing I learned about getting past a breakup, its that you never completely forget it. The road to recovery is not a straight line - you will likely zig-zag, in a 1 step forward and 2 steps back motion sometimes. I can say with certainty that some things helped me move on, while other things set me back. Here's what helped: 1. Moving to a new city. If this is possible for you, by all means go for it. I graduated college with a job in NYC, and I was fortunate enough to move to NYC and live with 2 roommates. I highly encourage the new environment, if you can afford it - a move offers the chance to start over. New scene, new girls (or guys), new places, new you. Throwing myself into a city allowed me to focus on myself and adapting to my new home. 2. Eliminating her from my life. Right after my breakup, I did a deep clean of my life. I deleted her number (blocking is recommended), I got rid of every last picture, memento, etc. that could trigger a memory of her. Keep nothing. I couldn't bear to do the actual cleaning, so my parents helped with that. Also, I had my brother change my facebook password for 6 months so I couldn't go on. While I don't recommend completely deleting your facebook in an emotionally irrational state, you shouldn't be on a website where you are exposed to all the happy couples in the world. Facebook does not help you cope with a breakup. Also, when I made my return to facebook, I found the courage to block my ex. Apply this to instagram, twitter, etc. I also got rid of any connection with her family / friends. Out of site, out of mind. A note on my no-contact: My ex and I have not had a single conversation since the breakup. A month after the breakup, she emailed me this long apologetic essay, and I responded "Thanks for the email but I'm not interested in being friends". No further communication occurred. After that, I received a happy birthday and congrats on graduating college text, to which I simply chose not to respond. And no, I did NOT text her happy birthday. There's no point, just don't. 3. I went to therapy. Yes, it sounds lame, but I was so mentally drained from the breakup, and after exhausting my parents / brother / friend with talking about my breakup, I had to talk to a completely neutral source about it. I went to 6 sessions total, and found it really helpful to work through my feelings. This is the place to ball your eyes out and ask what you did wrong. 4. I hit the gym and worked on my appearance. I don't care if you go to the gym 7 days a week or have only worked out once in your life, going to the gym helps. Also working on your appearance, aka getting new clothes / haircut / style will start to bring your confidence back. 5. For a period of time immediately after the breakup, when I was at my saddest point, I indulged on loveshack and post-breakup films. For whatever reason, reading other people's breakup stories on loveshack made me feel less alone in the battle. Oh and the movies. Those helped a great deal. I would highly recommend the following: 500 days of summer, eternal sunshine, crazy, stupid, love, the breakup, annie hall, and above all, swingers. I've seen swingers 7 times in the past year, and its honestly the one that always gives me strength to believe. Also, I watched the entire series of entourage and how i met your mother. Two great sitcoms that teaches you a lot about relationships (more so in himym). It's also great to find a new music addiction. For me, I needed something with a positive beat, so I turned to house music. 6. I spent a lot of time with friends and family. Hey, there's no denying this one. The more you are occupied and busy trying to have fun, the less time you have to be sad and focus on your breakup. Get off your a** and reconnect with those friends you lost during your relationship. They'll be glad to have you back. 7. After a while (7 months) of swearing off the dating scene, I determined I was "ready" to get back out there. Some of you will be sooner, some later, it doesn't matter. Instead of looking for second chances with your ex, start looking for first chances with people that are right for you. I decided to go through the online dating route, so I joined a variety of sites (match, okcupid, tinder, jswipe). While I am not totally convinced this is the best way to find a companion, you don't know until you try. If not online, at least ask your friends to set you up with one of their friends. I've gone on a handful of dates since my breakup. Some girls I've spoken to for a few days, some for weeks, some I've connected very personally with. One thing I have learned - your breakup makes a lot more sense when you are the one that has to do the breaking up. Closing To all of you heartbroken, stay strong. You will learn that getting over someone is not something that happens after a set period of time, so stop googling "how long will it take to get over my ex". Everyone is different. In fact, you will probably never completely get over someone. It's a process without an end. Your ex was a part of your past, and you can never change your past. Over time, you will stop thinking about them everyday. You will stop having bad dreams about them. And eventually, you will stop wanting a second chance with them. In fact, once you get to the stage where you can honestly say "I would never take them back under any circumstances", you'll feel very liberated. You will get past this, just like the rest of the world that has experienced heartbreak. And while loveshack is a great online community, you will eventually be ready to move on from here too. This is my first visit in 4 months, and at one point in time I would spend hours upon hours a day reading on loveshack. Eventually you will realize it's time to get out there and meet the next love of your life. 6
tikay00 Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Great post. Yeah, I just came back today, because of some slight feelz. Good place to just escape, and feel like you're not alone.
Jimmyjackson Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I also recently watched Entourage, the entire series for the second time lol, watched them all about 2 years back too. You do learn about relationships in a way via tv, when watching Entourage I would think to myself... "stop being a pussy and quit pining over this girl, be more like vinny chase and learn not to give a ****". Sounds stupid but it can work in a weird way, I also watched a lot of friends...that really helped me, plenty of relationships and comedic value.
tikay00 Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I also recently watched Entourage, the entire series for the second time lol, watched them all about 2 years back too. You do learn about relationships in a way via tv, when watching Entourage I would think to myself... "stop being a pussy and quit pining over this girl, be more like vinny chase and learn not to give a ****". Sounds stupid but it can work in a weird way, I also watched a lot of friends...that really helped me, plenty of relationships and comedic value. Training Day is my go to "be a man" movie lol. "Be like Alonzo. Look at him all cool, calm, and collected. I bet you he doesn't care if a chick leaves him. He just brushes it off, and does his thing."
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