jiggaman Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 when a dumper continues to call the person they dumped and proactively tries to maintain a "friendship", ive always interpretted these actions as keeping the dumpee as a "backup". but do the dumpers really know they are doing this or is it more sub conscious? has anyone dumped somebody and then calculated a friendship afterwards with the intention of keeping the person as a "backup" ? in my past experiences, ive NEVER tried to maintain a friendship with the person i dumped because i never wanted to lead them on....
loveisallaround Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 I've never, either. However, sometimes I think it's either one of three options: (a) They really do want you as a back-up. (b) They genuinely care about you, and would like some contact. Not all break-ups are because they don't like you. Or © They feel guilty and want to calm their nerves by keeping you as "a friend."
SummerRae Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 jiggaman, in my own experience, keeping back-ups can be an ego booster. Think about it. When u are down, do u call someone who can pick u up? And what if that person so happens to care for you? All the more reason that we would feel we could talk to them, no? I hate to admit it, but I have done this on several occasions. Most recently to my best (male) friend who fell in love and i had no clue. Then finally when he screamed it in my ear, I clued in. But did it stop me from calling him? Did it stop me from selfishly ringing him everytime I **needed** someone?? No. Sadly, it didn't. But after a little lesson, I am much more respectful of him and his feelings. Let's just say he put his foot down. And I am humbly obliged to respect him... he is still my best friend. All of this, of course, depends on whether or not you had a friendship base first or not and if you are capable emotionally of being around them.
Author jiggaman Posted March 31, 2005 Author Posted March 31, 2005 loveisallaround- i like your breakdown of possible reasons for keeping an ex along for the ride...here is one more, 4) the dumper is very dramatic/emotionally insecure and feeds off attention? (SummerRae's "ego boost" factor) in my case, i think its a mix of 1 & 2 & 4...but its very odd because she has plenty of friends and can easily go out and meet new guys...not to mention that we are long distance now and the "out of sight out of mind" saying should have kicked in by now - we have been apart for 6 months after over a year of dating. currently, ive gone no contact for about 4 weeks because i kept cycling through the stages of grief... has anyone heard/experienced a LDR breakup that rekindles once the timing is right ie - the two people are reunited?
SummerRae Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 nope haven't heard of that... but then I once heard that once you break up, there becomes a reason you aren't together.
Nostalgic Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Originally posted by jiggaman Why do dumpers keep us as "Backups" ? In most cases, people who have been dumped are usually so hurt, so in shock over the situation, that they're eager to hold on to whatever bit of a relationship they had with the person, no matter how deteriorated or pitiful the link. (been there). It's in this way that many "dumpees" allow themselves to be used as backups. Dont give the dumper so much power. That person cant make you do anything you don't let happen.
BrotherAaron Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Sometimes I think people dump another person without realizing what that will mean... in my case, I don't think my ex realized that there'd be no way we could talk like we used to. She said she still wanted to be my friends, but she was looking for comfort and companionship, support and compassion, and I wouldn't give her that emotional prop. We all need these things, and we all feel deprived of them when we no longer have a significant other. Just because I was dumped doesn't necesarily mean that I'm the only one grieving... she seemed genuinely crushed when I told her I wouldn't be her friend. She cried for hours, I was told, and did so every night for two weeks "at the thought of not having you" It doesn't change the fact that I'm not going to be her friend, though.
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