Break-up after 8.5 years with some LDR - does she have commitment issues?

[fluidian]

Would love thoughts from people on the following situation - sorry if it's a bit long.

 

I've been in a relationship for the past 8.5 years, of which the past ~3.5 years have been a long distance relationship (Chicago and Minneapolis, which is a relatively benign plane ride), so we have been able to generally see each other every 2-3 weeks, and have generally taken turns, so it has never seemed like a one sided relationship. In terms of cash for trips, we both make very income, so it was not a problem. About 1.5 years ago, I had an offer for an amazing job that was destined to keep us apart for a bit longer, but when taking that job, we had discussed making plans at the ~1.5 year mark to find a way to co-locate, either both in Minneapolis, Chicago, or elsewhere.

 

Things between us has always been good in terms of interests, activities, intellectually, etc. Sexually it was more mediocre and the act was perhaps less frequent than desired (definitely not a staple of every visit), although other forms of intimacy were commonplace.

 

Over the past few months, as conversations about moving close to each other have escalated, she began to seem a bit more distant - not horrendously so, but maybe a bit less hand holding and fewer kisses.

 

This past weekend we broke up, which was hard, but I asked her a bit about what she actually wanted in the relationship - the same question was obviously on her mind. She began talking about how over the past few months (i.e. when hand holding/kissing was a bit less frequent) she had noticed her feelings change a bit, she wasn't as excited as she would hope she would be about co-locating, and described that she really enjoys the life she has created for herself, and doesn't want it to change too much. At that point, she mentioned that he wasn't sure if moving in together would resolve any potential problems (she said it may or it may not), and that it was a risk in the sense that one of us would likely have to find a different job. it may be important to note that she never really described any major issues - just changing dynamics with her friends, etc. In my view largely because she viewed it as a likely disruption to the life she's been building when we have been in the LDR.

 

Anyhow, that spiraled into some vague talk, a break was mentioned, but I effectively see things as being broken-up, which I think was effectively mutual. It likely would have been worthwhile to more definitively define it as a break or break-up, but truthfully, I'm not entirely sure what the difference is.

 

During the relationship, I have certainly had some reservations, but have been very much for the idea of marriage, but was always hesitant/skeptical about her interests in that area - but honestly, we never talked about it. In case it matters, during the long distance term of our relationship, while we would see each other every 2-3 weeks for a ~long weekend, we would go on trips, visit each others family's, etc., outside of seeing each other, we had relatively minimal contact (maybe a 1 hour conversation each week), but response to calls, occasional texts, etc., always seemed like a relatively priority...so we knew the other was there.

 

Regardless, I'm wondering what peoples' views are about whether or not these issues stem from a fear of commitment (on her end) - I find it curious that a lot of these minor issues surfaced right around the time that we were talking about moving in with each other, and some of her statements seemed more like excuses (i.e. she likes spending time her her friends, and was scared that those interactions would change if I were around - when in reality, she would obviously be able to see them without me...I wouldn't need to join her all the time). If fear of commitment, is there anything that can help resolve these issues? We spent a lot of time together, and I doubt either of us will move on extraordinarily fast, so there is likely some time to try to mend things if it seems like a good idea. Right now I'm in the mode of trying to figure out if it's worth it - as I have the general impression that once things start to change, it's hard to get them to change back.

 

Thoughts would be very much appreciated, and if you need more information from me (i.e. I forget something that's potentially important), don't hesitate to ask...as I would love your thoughts and I want to inform you as best I can to make your comments all the more valuable and useful. Thanks!

[losangelena]

OP, not to sound stalkerish, but after replying to your current post over in the dating forum, I decided to see what else you've posted.

 

Whatever happened here? Obviously, if you're trying to date this other woman, I'm assuming it didn't work out between the two of you.