Have you survived a broken heart?

[C h r i s]

I'm a 51 year old guy.my breakup was 3 months ago. This is the worst one I've ever had. Tonight is a bad night. Wish I could stop saying that

 

 

Hi, I feel like I know what your feeling and you have me deepest sympathy but may I kindly ask how long your relationship was?

 

 

Every night is the same for me as is waking in the morning and realisation kicks in once again.

 

 

So hard to control thoughts rushing around in your mind.

 

 

I wish we could format ourselves like a hard drive, I don't know.

[questionsforthenouns]

You know, I have survived a broken heart. There was a time during my first real breakup that I thought I was dying..my whole life was turned upside down. It is hard to explain in words how it really feels. But I made it through. Unfortunately now I am going through it again, except it isn't as bad this time. I am more prepared and more rational about the situation. But it still hurts. And I'm sure if this happens in the future, it will hurt just as bad. But this is a part of life that everybody will experience and everybody is going to be okay in the end..you just have to have faith in yourself as a human being to get through a painful experience like this. Take comfort in the fact that a lot of people on here are suffering and they can relate to you. And always be strong; never give up. Life is too precious to waste it worrying about somebody else who doesn't care about you. Everybody is going to be okay!

[unforgotten]

Its been 3 1/2 months for me with nc, coming out of a 7 year relationship, I'm only 26 so it was a huge chunk of my life thus far. I can honestly say I'm over it!!! It doesn't hurt anymore!!! At first I felt like I was gonna die,I did the things I needed to do to make the situation better and finally got better. The final string to break for me was when I saw she was in another relationship,via good old social media. It will get better I promise,you dont think so,and neither did i , but I promise it gets better and its liberating when you realize that person has no power over you anymore!!!

 

Hey Chuck. I'm glad you're doing good and thanks for the PMs again!

 

Me and Chuck share a similar story. I was also in a relationship for almost exactly 7 years and it's also 3 1/2 months post BU for me. She at least emotionally cheated on me and left me for another guy not even saying a proper goodbye to my family or anything. The first 3 weeks I stayed in low contact but I realized that won't bring her back and it only does me harm. Then I found this forum which helped me a hell of a lot.

 

The first couple of weeks were the worst thing I've ever experienced. The depression I felt was devastating. I remember when my mom asked me how I felt and I was so sick of people asking me everyday how I am. I said, please stop asking me that anymore, you know how I feel. She said, what, can't a mother know how her son feels? I replied, well, you wanna know how I feel? I feel such a pain I'd rather be dead.

 

This BU was a mess for our whole family. I decided to dig myself out of that ****hole I was in no matter what. I did all the things the members on this forum recommended me to do. It was HARD and the worst thing of all was when I'd finally feel quite OK and thought, ok this won't be so bad after all, the sadness and depression creep back in again. Mood swings were the worst. I always remembered that Godfather quote: "Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in". Everyday struggle simply drains you. I was depressed, anxious, suffered panic attacks, had to take sleeping pills. I felt like my mind exploded and my identity and ego were shattered to a thousand pieces. It was a nightmare to get up in the morning and step out of bed and just do something. But that was just the beginning of my journey to recovery. I knew that time itself won't help and I must take some serious steps to do something. I said to myself, if I can get through this nothing can ever stop me. I read a lot on breakups, self improvement etc. What I did was:

 

- I went full NC. I also told my friends to stop mentioning her name and what she's doing to me. They still do it from time to time but I don't care as much as I did.

 

- I did some serious analyzing of my breakup and my previous relationship and I tried to understand what went wrong and what I don't like about myself and would like to improve to be a better and happier person.

 

- LoveShack helps. I've read thousands of pages and posted my feeling here and asked for advice. I wish I knew this forum years ago.

 

- I went out on daily walks with my dog or just by myself or my family and friends as much as I could. I'd spend hours walking every day. I just couldn't stand being home.

 

- I found 5 new good friends I previously only said hy to and found out some of them share similar experience. We'd hang out a lot. I'd listen and help them and they'd do the same. I talked about my BU for hours and it helped A LOT. I appreciate they were so good they'd listen and it wouldn't piss them off. I also met a cool girl friend and we'd talk for hours online every day. Was very therapeutic. I reconnected with my best friend of my childhood who I've known for my whole life and we lost touch after I moved a few years back and got myself into that serious relationship. I also visited my other friends (I have some older ones). One of them is 60 or so and has been a vegetarian and meditates for 10 years now. We'd debate for hours about human psyche, world problems, life etc. I asked him to lend me some books on eastern and buddhist philosophies. They'd occupy my mind a little bit and I found them calming. i can relate to so many things they talk about. I'll definitely look more into it in the future.

 

- I went to more parties, social events and concerts than I did in the last seven years combined. I met new people and tried to have as much fun as possible. I always said YES instead of NO. If someone asked me do you want to do this and that or go there and there I'd say yes no matter what. Even if I didn't feel like it or had some fears or felt uncomfortable I did it anyway. This was my problem when I was still in a relationship and I had to start fixing it.

 

- I started eating healthy again and I got myself back into fitness. The motivation was swinging a lot but I just did it every day and forced myself into it. I met some new people there too. I got some discipline back into my life. I also found out the little things, for example that being hungry affects my mood a lot.

 

- I finally started doing some housework and reconnected with my old hobbies.

 

- Motivational videos (youtube, check out Eric Thomas the Hip Hop teacher) and movies (Limitless, The Persuit of Happiness) help. Good happy music like James Brown helps. Don't watch dramas, romantic movies. Go for easy stuff like action and comedies.

 

 

What else can I say? I feel like my breakup was kind of a blessing in disguise. Even though I loved her very much and would gave my life for her I wasn't happy in my relationship. Not just because of her but because of me. I wasn't happy with life. I was depressed and anxious and was constantly looking for outside factors to satisfy me. I looked deep into myself and wondered and wondered what can I do to be happier but I just couldn't find the right way. Living like that for the rest of my life would have been awful. I feel like this just had to happen and am in a strange way kind of glad that it did. I feel like reborn. Like all the emotions that were mixing up inside me for 25 years were so knitted there was no other way to resolve them than to just simply explode. I feel like the day after new year after all the fireworks - calm, focused and thinking clear. Yesterday was the first day after x months or even years I looked myself in the mirror and smiled. I was genuinely happy. I know what to do and what I want, at least I have some parts of my life figured out and I'm working on them. The motivation and self confidence are coming back. I know I'm already a ten times better man than I was before and I feel sorry for my ex she doesn't know me now but I wouldn't take her back. Not really because of what she did but because she has nothing figured out. She didn't really look into herself and acknowledge her mistakes. She just traded me for someone else and that was enough for her. She thinks that is the solution but it really isn't. She's the same and everything else is the same and perhaps when the love phase runs out she'll be even more depressed than ever. In the best case scenario she'll be ok but is that enough? I don't think so. I wanna life a better life, I want to be happy. Instead of sticking at home like I did, watching movies etc. I want to experience life, I want to visit places, socialize, make my presence count so when I die I'll be able to say I lived a good life and would like to live it again. And this, my friends, is just the beginning. The beginning of something great.

 

I'm far from what I once was but not yet what I'm going to be!

 

Good luck all!

Edited February 3, 2015 by unforgotten

[Light Breeze]

I'll make a long story as short as I can. I was in love with a girl and I even put a down payment on a ring. Something felt off after a while and I looked into things. I discovered she was cheating on me. I confronted her and she turned on me. Called me a loser, that I was never going anywhere in life. I was never going to college or University. That I was satisfied working dead end jobs for the rest of my life. She was going with someone that had a future. That was the last time I ever talked to her.

 

 

I did get into a University because I wanted to prove her wrong. That she was wrong about everything. I did really well. I went to undergrad and grad school. I started in my career and became successful.

 

 

Then, I realized there was a great big world outside my door and I needed to see it. I went deep sea fishing in the Florida Keys. Dog sledding in Minnesota, cattle driving in Arizona, and white water rafting in West Virginia. Then, I went global. I've been to no less than twenty countries. I've climbed Mount Fuji in Japan, climbed the Pyrenees Mountains in southern France. Traveled the Camino de Santiago in Spain. I've stood in the Gobi Desert in China, Seen the Eiffel Tower in Paris, Big Ben in London. The Fjords of Norway. Experienced the nightlife in Tokyo. Seen Casablanca in Morocco (nothing like the movies, disappointing). I've been to the Bahamas, Jamaica....the list goes on.

 

 

And I met the girl I was truly meant to be with and she is the love of my life. And we're happily married! Very professional woman and she was with me. There's a big difference between wanting a man and needing a man. She was with me because she wanted to. She could have easily said, "Look, I don't need you. I was getting along fine before you came along. I'm here because I want to be with you and no one else." See, my Ex left me because she needed a man she thought she was going to have a comfortable future with. And, in her opinion, I didn't measure up.

 

 

So, if my life is so awesome, what am I doing here? To help people. To get them to open their eyes and see that it's not the end of the world and you CAN have it all if you just try. Skies the limit!

 

Chi,

 

You were one of the people who helped me when I first came here. So Thank you, for staying.

 

OP,

 

To answer your question (have you survived a broken heart?). Yup, alive and (soon to be, I hope) kicking.

[questionsforthenouns]

Hey Chuck. I'm glad you're doing good and thanks for the PMs again!

 

Me and Chuck share a similar story. I was also in a relationship for almost exactly 7 years and it's also 3 1/2 months post BU for me. She at least emotionally cheated on me and left me for another guy not even saying a proper goodbye to my family or anything. The first 3 weeks I stayed in low contact but I realized that won't bring her back and it only does me harm. Then I found this forum which helped me a hell of a lot.

 

The first couple of weeks were the worst thing I've ever experienced. The depression I felt was devastating. I remember when my mom asked me how I felt and I was so sick of people asking me everyday how I am. I said, please stop asking me that anymore, you know how I feel. She said, what, can't a mother know how her son feels? I replied, well, you wanna know how I feel? I feel such a pain I'd rather be dead.

 

This BU was a mess for our whole family. I decided to dig myself out of that ****hole I was in no matter what. I did all the things the members on this forum recommended me to do. It was HARD and the worst thing of all was when I'd finally feel quite OK and thought, ok this won't be so bad after all, the sadness and depression creep back in again. Mood swings were the worst. I always remembered that Godfather quote: "Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in". Everyday struggle simply drains you. I was depressed, anxious, suffered panic attacks, had to take sleeping pills. I felt like my mind exploded and my identity and ego were shattered to a thousand pieces. It was a nightmare to get up in the morning and step out of bed and just do something. But that was just the beginning of my journey to recovery. I knew that time itself won't help and I must take some serious steps to do something. I said to myself, if I can get through this nothing can ever stop me. I read a lot on breakups, self improvement etc. What I did was:

 

- I went full NC. I also told my friends to stop mentioning her name and what she's doing to me. They still do it from time to time but I don't care as much as I did.

 

- I did some serious analyzing of my breakup and my previous relationship and I tried to understand what went wrong and what I don't like about myself and would like to improve to be a better and happier person.

 

- LoveShack helps. I've read thousands of pages and posted my feeling here and asked for advice. I wish I knew this forum years ago.

 

- I went out on daily walks with my dog or just by myself or my family and friends as much as I could. I'd spend hours walking every day. I just couldn't stand being home.

 

- I found 5 new good friends I previously only said hy to and found out some of them share similar experience. We'd hang out a lot. I'd listen and help them and they'd do the same. I talked about my BU for hours and it helped A LOT. I appreciate they were so good they'd listen and it wouldn't piss them off. I also met a cool girl friend and we'd talk for hours online every day. Was very therapeutic. I reconnected with my best friend of my childhood who I've known for my whole life and we lost touch after I moved a few years back and got myself into that serious relationship. I also visited my other friends (I have some older ones). One of them is 60 or so and has been a vegetarian and meditates for 10 years now. We'd debate for hours about human psyche, world problems, life etc. I asked him to lend me some books on eastern and buddhist philosophies. They'd occupy my mind a little bit and I found them calming. i can relate to so many things they talk about. I'll definitely look more into it in the future.

 

- I went to more parties, social events and concerts than I did in the last seven years combined. I met new people and tried to have as much fun as possible. I always said YES instead of NO. If someone asked me do you want to do this and that or go there and there I'd say yes no matter what. Even if I didn't feel like it or had some fears or felt uncomfortable I did it anyway. This was my problem when I was still in a relationship and I had to start fixing it.

 

- I started eating healthy again and I got myself back into fitness. The motivation was swinging a lot but I just did it every day and forced myself into it. I met some new people there too. I got some discipline back into my life. I also found out the little things, for example that being hungry affects my mood a lot.

 

- I finally started doing some housework and reconnected with my old hobbies.

 

- Motivational videos (youtube, check out Eric Thomas the Hip Hop teacher) and movies (Limitless, The Persuit of Happiness) help. Good happy music like James Brown helps. Don't watch dramas, romantic movies. Go for easy stuff like action and comedies.

 

 

What else can I say? I feel like my breakup was kind of a blessing in disguise. Even though I loved her very much and would gave my life for her I wasn't happy in my relationship. Not just because of her but because of me. I wasn't happy with life. I was depressed and anxious and was constantly looking for outside factors to satisfy me. I looked deep into myself and wondered and wondered what can I do to be happier but I just couldn't find the right way. Living like that for the rest of my life would have been awful. I feel like this just had to happen and am in a strange way kind of glad that it did. I feel like reborn. Like all the emotions that were mixing up inside me for 25 years were so knitted there was no other way to resolve them than to just simply explode. I feel like the day after new year after all the fireworks - calm, focused and thinking clear. Yesterday was the first day after x months or even years I looked myself in the mirror and smiled. I was genuinely happy. I know what to do and what I want, at least I have some parts of my life figured out and I'm working on them. The motivation and self confidence are coming back. I know I'm already a ten times better man than I was before and I feel sorry for my ex she doesn't know me now but I wouldn't take her back. Not really because of what she did but because she has nothing figured out. She didn't really look into herself and acknowledge her mistakes. She just traded me for someone else and that was enough for her. She thinks that is the solution but it really isn't. She's the same and everything else is the same and perhaps when the love phase runs out she'll be even more depressed than ever. In the best case scenario she'll be ok but is that enough? I don't think so. I wanna life a better life, I want to be happy. Instead of sticking at home like I did, watching movies etc. I want to experience life, I want to visit places, socialize, make my presence count so when I die I'll be able to say I lived a good life and would like to live it again. And this, my friends, is just the beginning. The beginning of something great.

 

I'm far from what I once was but not yet what I'm going to be!

 

Good luck all!

 

That was a really great post. Thank you for that. I think you are really on point when you say that you feel sorry for your ex that she doesn't get to know the new and improved you. That's the right attitude right there! Every situation and every break up is different, but the ethic you talked about in your post can be applied to many different situations. Life is so worth living and all this pain is just temporary. For some, including myself, the pain is unbearable at times but then I tell myself that I wasn't happy in the relationship. She did me a favor. Sure, it is sad, and it sucks, but at least it is better than dragging something out that isn't working. Stay up!

[John83]

Always remember my first heartbreak

 

At the time I certainly thought I wouldn't survive it at the time, felt like it was the end of the world.

 

Moped about for a while, drank a lot (what 19 year old doesn't come weekends), did the no contact thing which wasn't hard as she moved back to her home town 20 miles away.

 

After a month or so pulled together a bit, Got serious about training and eating properly again and put some weight back on (had turned skinny-fat from being comfotable in a relationship and not training and poor eating)

 

Still went out with the lads at weekends, met new women (first few was miserable and I compared them to my ex) nothing serious but it helped massively, ended up having the best year or two of my life being single and hanging out with my mates.

 

Started a restoration project on a car, again this was a massive help and I think I loved that car more than the ex (still have the odd dream about it over ten years later)

 

A few years past and life was great but the pain was still there the odd time, it always was to be honest till I fell in love again. But it never dominated my life it was a case of maybe the odd time lying in bed unable to sleep and you'd think of it ect.

 

Current heartbreak is different as it's more for the loss of my kids happy family that I mourn than my own pain and that regret will probably last a lifetime but it is possible to heal a broken heart, it may take time but it does get better

[dezzy1028p]

Unforgotten's reply was amazing. I would read that over and over again!

 

I'm so far two months in after the breakup, and so far I am surviving. The first few weeks were terrible..but that was also because I wanted to be sad. I had to stop hurting myself and wanting to feel that way because it wasnt helping any. My family and friends were getting tired of repeating the same things over and over again, "You need to move forward not backward.." Eventually I new i had to pick myself up and show my ex that I will be a better person, and that when I am, he cant have me. It took about a month till i decided to move forward with life and do things that made me happy. I realized that socializing (especially with new people) were what kept my mind off things. I joined different social groups, and I said yes to everything. I just wanted to keep busy. I personally feel better throwing myself out there and getting myself involved with different activities.

 

Today, I know i'm not close to being healed. But I know that I will be, and I am surviving with a broken heart. However it wont be broken forever! I'm filling up the hole in my heart with things i love doing and people who i love being around. Then eventually, my ex wouldn't even come to mind anymore because I'm enjoying my new life. And I cant wait to be at that point and say I really did survive! Surviving a broken heart requires lots and lots of patience and the ability to keep moving forward. It's not easy, but in the end...definitely worth it!

[cybclimb]

I was brokenhearted when me and my ex broke up last year (January). We were together for almost a year. Although I had previous breakups before her (and even a divorce), this one was the most painful as I was genuinely in love with her. She was the love of my life. We were even planning of moving in together (but I don’t want to get married again, and she knows that). We broke up because she said she’s tired of the fighting (we argue a lot towards the end), but the real reason is that she wanted to start dating other men. I said good luck and hope you find what you’re looking for.

 

I was NC for several months, but she texted me a couple of times during the summer, just saying hello and nothing really important in particular. When I found out last summer from a common friend that she’s already in a relationship, I went back NC, although I inadvertently texted her last Christmas and we had a small text conversation, and she confirmed that she’s in a relationship. For some reason, it didn’t hurt as much.

 

To be honest, the BU was really painful, jarring and crushing at the beginning, but gradually decreased over time. The first few weeks were the most miserable times of my life. I was depressed and didn’t find any amusement to the things I used to enjoy. As the pain subsided, I tried to learn from it, and actually used that pain into something positive to motivate me. Here are the steps I’ve taken:

 

- I joined a salsa class and made friends along the way, especially to one girl that is having a divorce right now and I’m reciprocating by giving her moral support;

- I concentrated on work (I’m in healthcare), and also did some DJ gigs over several events last year;

- I went abroad and travelled to Asia, visited the Philippines, Japan, and Cambodia. I also got certified for scuba diving, went diving for wrecks, also went island hopping and saw the grandeur of Ankor Wat and Banaue Rice Terraces. Met and became friends with other people from different nationalities (Brits, French, Israelis, Germans, Argentinians, etc., and even girls from the Pittsburgh!);

- I studied hard for GRE and took the exam last August. It was seriously the hardest exam that I had ever taken in my entire life;

- I applied for graduate school and got accepted in one of the schools I applied into. Very competitive as acceptance rate is only 10%. I got rejected several times but I kept applying to other schools. I will start this August for the Anesthesia program of the school that accepted me;

- I started dating again 2 months after the BU. I had a fling and a rebound relationship, but it didn’t last as I compared them to her. I had several dates too, but no one really panned out. Then I realized that I don’t need to be with someone to be happy. I was just content on dating and not be in a relationship;

- I am quitting my current job in the next few weeks, and will start a travel position in California for 3 months They pay bigger there, and I don’t have to rent as I will live with relatives, then I head back in the east coast for grad school this fall.

 

Overall, I was able to stave off a complete collapse of my life post BU, by being busy and harnessing that pain into something positive that will motivate me into achieving a higher goal in life. I still think about her from time to time, but I just smile whenever I do that. Things happen for a reason and I am just happy that I had a chance to get to know her. There is still some pain present, but right now, but I don’t have any regrets whatsoever, I am just looking for the future ahead of me.

[maryça]

It hurts so much, I am now in this situation, he was my first love and my first relationship, we've been together for almost 5 years. He cheated on me and he is now living with her in the house we took together. It's such a terrible pain. I can't get over it. But reading all these messages kind of help, I can't wait to be over this breakup

[todreaminblue]

I have had my heart broken.......and i have broken hearts....not intentionally btu i have.......i have learned from both how to move on and i really try not to break hearts....because i know what it feels like........got the scars and battle wounds and i am still here...it takes a while to get over it....but you will.....

 

i am glad i have had my heart broken......because if i hadnt ....i wouldnt be me at all......my broken heart is how i know i am hurting how i know the relationship really was important to me that i gave it my all....i allowed my heart to eb open enough to break........if you dont allow yourself to be hurt...you arent loving anyone but yourself..........it also lets me know how others hurt .......so i dont go around breaking hearts and nnt knowing what pain i cause and what that pain feels like........i really try to be careful with peoples hearts..deb

[erklat]

If you are exactly the same as you were before the heartbreak,

Then you didn't survive.

[unforgotten]

Hey guys. I really appreciate your replies and that you've liked my post. I'm glad I could help just a little bit with my own input.

 

Don't get me wrong. I am not there yet. I still have ****ty days but there is no comparison to how I felt just 3 months ago. I'm living and can be happy from time to time. 3 months ago I'd rather be dead because the pain was too big. Just know you'll get there too. Take the necessary steps and believe that time will heal because it will. Yes you struggle but keep going. Fight through the pain and beat it down to the ground! There is no other way! My motivation was (and still is) also curiosity. Don't you wanna see how it all turns out? So stop telling yourself stupid prophecies like how she's lost forever or how you won't find anybody else etc. You're not a prophet. If you were you'd still be together with you ex now wouldn't you?

 

Btw. I just had to put my almost 15 years old dog down today. In one way it's even harder for me. My ex could learn a lot from him. You know, things like loyalty, unselfishness etc.

 

Best to all of you!

[darkbloom]

Hi, I feel like I know what your feeling and you have me deepest sympathy but may I kindly ask how long your relationship was?

 

 

Every night is the same for me as is waking in the morning and realisation kicks in once again.

 

 

So hard to control thoughts rushing around in your mind.

 

 

I wish we could format ourselves like a hard drive, I don't know.

 

Hi Chris,

 

I was having a really hard time with anxiety and not being able to sleep because I would play the break up over in my mind. He also

Cheated so I would spend countless hours trying to figure out when and where it happened. I started taking hot yoga at night. The room is so hot that it gives you an hour and a half where the only thing you can focus on is breathing and how hot the room is. When I leave there, I am exhausted and at peace. I'm able to clear my mind enough to fall asleep without the anxiety.

 

In the morning, I try to clear my mind and fill it with all that I am grateful for. Mornings are still rough, but they are getting better.

 

When I am feeling especially bad, I look at the list I made about him. I wrote down all of his bad qualities and everything that bothered me during our relationship. I lose all desire to get back together or contact him when I read that list.

 

I take it one day at a time, it's been 3 months since the BU and almost 2 months NC.

[seminoles84]

 

Btw. I just had to put my almost 15 years old dog down today. In one way it's even harder for me. My ex could learn a lot from him. You know, things like loyalty, unselfishness etc.

 

Best to all of you!

 

Awe man.. that's the worst. Sorry for your loss!

[erklat]

Awe man.. that's the worst. Sorry for your loss!

 

Yeah, too bad. Happened to me this September.

[unforgotten]

It's funny how it all changed for me before I could really blink.

 

First, I injured my knee pretty badly so I had to stop playing basketball (I played daily for a couple of hours). my favorite hobby. I was devastated. Then I moved from a city where I studied back home - I had to leave that life behind completely. No more student life for me, time to adapt to the grown up world. My ex who I've lived with left me for someone else. At the same time my grandmother died... and now my dog died. The house seems so empty now. My plans were flushed down the toilet. The future I imagined was just a delusional fantasy. I'm starting from point zero now. I wonder where I'll be lead this time around.

 

One part of my life is over. The chapter is closed. :/