CrazyCatLady79 Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 I've met a wonderful man and we've only been dating a short time. He is doing everything right - opening doors, being respectful, keeping in touch, arranging dates etc. But I'm now passed the butterflies/enjoyment stage and slowly drifting into my usual panic anxiety stage. I just want to enjoy this but fear I'm wrecking it for myself. There haven't even been any red flags. We slept together for the first time at the weekend and I'm wondering if I'm now putting my walls up because I'm starting to have feelings for him. We've not defined anything, we're just dating at the moment. I'm meeting some of his family this weekend as we're all attending the same night out, so if I didn't mean anything to him then why would he bother? I just can't get this niggling feeling out of my head. This feels so different to the other men I've dated as I can completely be myself with him. I've had some bad boyfriends in the past, and this feels wonderfully different and special. How can I put these feelings to one side and just enjoy this, without thinking too much ahead?
kendahke Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 I've met a wonderful man and we've only been dating a short time. He is doing everything right - opening doors, being respectful, keeping in touch, arranging dates etc. But I'm now passed the butterflies/enjoyment stage and slowly drifting into my usual panic anxiety stage. I just want to enjoy this but fear I'm wrecking it for myself. There haven't even been any red flags. We slept together for the first time at the weekend and I'm wondering if I'm now putting my walls up because I'm starting to have feelings for him. We've not defined anything, we're just dating at the moment. I'm meeting some of his family this weekend as we're all attending the same night out, so if I didn't mean anything to him then why would he bother? I just can't get this niggling feeling out of my head. This feels so different to the other men I've dated as I can completely be myself with him. I've had some bad boyfriends in the past, and this feels wonderfully different and special. How can I put these feelings to one side and just enjoy this, without thinking too much ahead? Stay in the moment... the present. Don't live in the future or try to orchestrate it. Have a talk with him about exclusivity at least--that you two are not sleeping with anyone else--so that you're on the same page as far as that's concerned. 4
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 I agree with the poster above. There isn't a pill you can take to make you relax about your relationship, it actually requires you to actively change your thought patterns and stay in the present or in the moment. This is not only imperative but crucial to the success of your next big relationship. As soon as we start projecting into the future or wallowing too long in the past we're missing out on what IS right now. It's not fair to you and certainly not fair to your new partner. I think having the talk about being exclusive might help if only to ensure you're both on the same page. Good luck. 2
Author CrazyCatLady79 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Posted January 26, 2015 Thank you both for your replies. I know we haven't been dating long, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to at least check that we're on the same page. I'm not seeing anyone, and I'm pretty sure he isn't. Guess I've just kept my bad feelings from the past and I know I shouldn't apply them to this relationship. He seems like a genuine guy and I think I'm anxious that I'll lose him if I mess up somehow. 1
BluEyeL Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 I've been in the same boat. Early relationship stages make me very anxious. The anxiety keeps popping up even at later stages when I feel generally secure. What I do is read books on letting go and living in the moment and I meditate and use imagery. This really helps. You have to tell yourself that every moment is what it should be and let go of the craving for a certain outcome. Not easy to do, you need to practice this every day. Use some mantras, such as for example "everything is going great for me", or whatever else helps you. 1
Gloria25 Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 Yeah, you just gotta keep on swimming... I mean, I get ya...when I meet someone and it feels good I get scared you know. Just don't act on the feelings. We all feel stuff - good or bad - we just gotta control ourselves not to act on it and mess up something good. I'm glad for you...good luck 1
True Gent Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 I've met a wonderful man and we've only been dating a short time. He is doing everything right - opening doors, being respectful, keeping in touch, arranging dates etc. But I'm now passed the butterflies/enjoyment stage and slowly drifting into my usual panic anxiety stage. I just want to enjoy this but fear I'm wrecking it for myself. There haven't even been any red flags. We slept together for the first time at the weekend and I'm wondering if I'm now putting my walls up because I'm starting to have feelings for him. We've not defined anything, we're just dating at the moment. I'm meeting some of his family this weekend as we're all attending the same night out, so if I didn't mean anything to him then why would he bother? I just can't get this niggling feeling out of my head. This feels so different to the other men I've dated as I can completely be myself with him. I've had some bad boyfriends in the past, and this feels wonderfully different and special. How can I put these feelings to one side and just enjoy this, without thinking too much ahead? That all sounds fantastic! You just need to take each day as it comes and make the most of all these positives. Most people on these forums would love to be in your shoes right now, don't over analise it. If your gut isn't feeling anything bad so far, then that is a really great sign! 3
Elias33 Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 I agree with the poster above. There isn't a pill you can take to make you relax about your relationship, it actually requires you to actively change your thought patterns and stay in the present or in the moment. This is not only imperative but crucial to the success of your next big relationship. As soon as we start projecting into the future or wallowing too long in the past we're missing out on what IS right now. It's not fair to you and certainly not fair to your new partner. I think having the talk about being exclusive might help if only to ensure you're both on the same page. Good luck. I really like this advice. You can't have your current partner pay for what the past partners have done to you. You are focused on (and ready for) the bad parts to happen. And if you are, the bad parts will come. But they'll come from you this time. Be aware of that. Enjoy your relationship for what it is, nothing is given, and nothing is guaranteed. Are things good right now? good! I'm happy for you. You're supposed to get feelings right? that is what makes it so wonderful! (And of course, hard at the same time because you are invested now).
Author CrazyCatLady79 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 That all sounds fantastic! You just need to take each day as it comes and make the most of all these positives. Most people on these forums would love to be in your shoes right now, don't over analise it. If your gut isn't feeling anything bad so far, then that is a really great sign! Thanks True Gent! I know I should be enjoying every second as its not often something feels like this. A male friend of mine said today that this guy is possible just as nervous as me and trying to play it cool. I forget to look at it from their side sometimes.
Leigh 87 Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Well... I enjoy dating and it takes a long time to find a person you're compatible with. It would suck, big time, if you were to always wonder " what will happen, is he into me, does he really like me enough, what will come of this, is he just lying about liking me in order to get into bed" Most dating encounters don't work out and lead into a long term relationship. Enjoying your time with those that you are lucky enough to date is key. It is a wonderful bonus when you meet the right person and don't have to start over again, of course. Who knows what will happen. Enjoy the new dating phase! It is always so fun and exciting to be around someone who you cannot keep your hands of! 1
elaine567 Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Thank you both for your replies. I know we haven't been dating long, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to at least check that we're on the same page. I'm not seeing anyone, and I'm pretty sure he isn't. Guess I've just kept my bad feelings from the past and I know I shouldn't apply them to this relationship. He seems like a genuine guy and I think I'm anxious that I'll lose him if I mess up somehow. You've slept wih him, yet you do not know if you are exclusive yet. The exclusivity talk is essential here. Do not assume just because you are meeting the family that he is not seeing other women. To some introducing their family is a big deal, they will only introduce people they are serious about, to others meeting the family has no significance whatsoever. For example. I have a cousin who literally at every family event he has some new woman, even at my grandmother's funeral! They all smile like Cheshire cats thinking they are his one true love, when we all know he is a cheater not to mention changes women like underwear...hence I wouldn't advise a woman to assume certain things mean serious if you in fact never spoke of exclusivity. 1
Author CrazyCatLady79 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 Do not assume just because you are meeting the family that he is not seeing other women. To some introducing their family is a big deal, they will only introduce people they are serious about, to others meeting the family has no significance whatsoever. For example. Hi Elaine, his family know of me as I've heard them ask about me either via texts (which he's shown me) or on the phone when they've called and we're together. He's a serial monogamist so I get the feeling that is does mean something that I've been talked about. I normally wouldn't think much of it, but it feels genuine. It also feels like his family just want him to be happy. I think, as everyone has suggested, I will just enjoy this fun beginning part and put my anxiety to one side. He's not freaking out, so why should I? Thanks y'all
mightycpa Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 He's not freaking out, so why should I? Because you're a CrazyCatLady? That handle screams freak out!
Author CrazyCatLady79 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Update: I don't know what to do now............ I disabled my online dating account where we met, and he said he had now done the same (about a fortnight ago). We've been dating for a few weeks now, spent lots of time together, I've met most of his family and we've even discussed Valentines Day. Something in the back of my mind said "this is too good to be true" so I used a friends dating account on the same site to see if he had been online. He has. Within the last 24 hours. Now what? Do I confront him? Ignore it? I'm absolutely gutted
preraph Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Well, you learned one thing for sure: Even though by all outward appearances things were going great, turns out your instinct was 100% correct. So don't ever overrule your instincts. He's still looking. A lot of guys are always going to look. No it's not fair to be leading a woman down what looks like a serious path and keep your line in the water, but that is what he's doing. And like most men, he's probably doing it not so much because of any flaw of your own but because what if he goes offline just when a Victoria's Secret angel finally becomes interested in him? Because that dream never dies in a lot of men. If they are successful in online dating, it can also just be an ego boost, but most guys seem miserable on there, so I'm going with the "doesn't want to accidentally miss his dream girl." Now what you have to decide is if this makes him mature enough to get serious with or is he just playing a role and hitting milestones without much substance behind the acts. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Update: I don't know what to do now............ I disabled my online dating account where we met, and he said he had now done the same (about a fortnight ago). We've been dating for a few weeks now, spent lots of time together, I've met most of his family and we've even discussed Valentines Day. Something in the back of my mind said "this is too good to be true" so I used a friends dating account on the same site to see if he had been online. He has. Within the last 24 hours. Now what? Do I confront him? Ignore it? I'm absolutely gutted I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be a massive horrible blow for you when you felt like things were going so well For me, this happening so early on would be reason enough to end it already. He's still out there looking for other women, which tells me that he doesn't feel as sure about you as you do about him. I wouldn't even confront him looking for a response, you'll only let yourself get talked into staying with him. If you don't want to admit going out of your way to find him on there just say your friend noticed him (I've had friends before manage to catch out boyfriends of mine using Tinder, obviously I never caught them out myself because I wasn't bloody using it!) and you don't tolerate liars so you're done. Plenty more fish in the sea.
BluEyeL Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You should end it, not because he's still online, but because he lied to you about it.
Sunfire73 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 How long have you been dating? As long as there were no talks about exclusivity, especially with OLD, assume that everyone's multi dating. If you don't ask then you won't know. Just ask him if he is still searching and looking to date others as you would want to move forward and be exclusive to get to know him better.
Mrin Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) Which site? This actually happened to me on OKC where I had disabled my profile. But in trying to show a friend of mine my profile to use as an example I had to activate it. To my horror I quickly learned I couldn't disable it again for 7 days. I kinda freaked out because I was worried about this exact same situation. So I just ended up deleting the whole account. I'm not saying that happened here but you might want to confront him on it. After all - he might have activated it to just check in on you! Edited February 3, 2015 by Mrin
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