MissBrunette84 Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 (edited) My relationship is a long one. Coming up to 7 years in Feb. Didn't quite get there. Had a few break ups in the past. I'm going to make this short and sweet. He's 25 and I have just turned 30 in December. We met when he was 18 and I were 24. We broke up last August (he left me and moved out of our shared apartment of 2 years). I went into a dark place, extremely low. I initiated NC as I always try to do and he is the one that always gets into contact with me. In October, he got my number from somewhere and rang me, we agreed to try and make it work living apart and work on issues. He then just goes very cold, ignores me for days, doesn't answer messages and generally being distant. So I have called him up on it after things were going well saying that when I'm ignored IT feels like emotional torture. Anyay I don't know where the break was but I decided I couldn't do it anymore just being see when only he wanted to, talked only when he had time, everything on his terms. So like I said a couple of weeks ago I said I can't go on being ignored and going through it. So I cut all ties. This past Sunday I got a message at 5am saying he couldn't sleep, I'm all he thinks about and that he loves me and he doesn't deserve me. So I try to talk to him and again that was returned by radio silence and being ignored. Eventually after saying being ignored and blanked has to be one of the cruelest things to do a person, when a person is only reaching back after you reached out first. He said he is in love with me, after me asking if this was an in love or a friendship love. He said he does love me, that he wants me to find someone else and be happy. After some talking I got it out of him that he doesn't know what he wants as he doesn't think he would want to live with me again because I were jealous and a pain. I out my hands up I was a bit of a pain that way, but I have had therapy since and working on those issues, he however ignored me for days when we lived together and that I found hard. So I don't know what anything means, it shouldn't be this complicated, if we love each other. I keep saying if he loves me surely none of this would happen. At the moment, I have initiated NC again as I don't know what to do. Will time make him realise? Or is it pretty obvious he doesn't feel the same? I understand the bread crumbs thing when an ex text during NC, but when the message says 'I love you' it's hard to ignore. Please help, this is a long term relationship that is sad to let go of but I'm just at a loss. We have had 2 break ups before one was a few months and it's always him that has came back. Never the other way round. Not that I don't reciprocate it when he makes a move, because I love him and I'd spend my life with him. Edited January 26, 2015 by MissBrunette84 Spelling error
Invictus01 Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 Walk away from it. I know it is easier said than done, but walk away from it while you are still young and have time to find somebody who really cares about you. What you got going right now will never change. It has been going on for long enough period of time and it is an emotional torture. Don't torture yourself.
Author MissBrunette84 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Posted January 26, 2015 Do you think it'd continue to just go in circles if I don't walk away?
Invictus01 Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 Do you think it'd continue to just go in circles if I don't walk away? I can't tell the future, but you got about 7 years worth of experience to support that thought... 1
KBarletta Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 It sounds like he has serious communication issues if he has ignored you for days *while* you were living together. Have you ever had couples therapy to work out those issues? Couples need to communicate well, especially when sharing a home. Also, if he was 18 when you got together, you are the only relationship he has known as a grown adult. That 5-6-year age difference may not seem like much, but it is when you put it in that context. He knows nothing else. Sounds like he still has some growing up to do. I would recommend either A/If you want to be with him (a big IF that you need to be honest with yourself about), entering couples counseling while living apart and dealing with your communication issues, etc., while both committed to working on the relationship 100 percent. If you cant do that or he won't do that - then B/ Going full NC and sticking to it for the long haul.
Author MissBrunette84 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Posted January 26, 2015 It's a 5 year age gap as his birthday is March.I don't think he would ever agree to couple counselling as he thinks that there enough drama and he thinks it's pointless. So I guess I have to let it go. Just sick to death of crying and feeling so low. But has to be done I guess. Just wish I was strong.
KBarletta Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 I don't think he would ever agree to couple counselling as he thinks that there enough drama and he thinks it's pointless. If I had a dime for every time I heard someone say this (who had never tried it), I could quit my job and retire to the Caribbean. I wouldn't *assume* that he will say no unless you have specifically asked and he has already. Counseling can actually ease the drama because it will give you both an outlet to discuss your issues and will teach you how to deal with them constructively.
Elias33 Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 You've said it already, breadcrumbs. It's a really cruel way to control the other, and he is controlling you. Now compare his words, all of them, with his actions, does it add up? He says he loves you, he gets you, he ignores you, it seems to be working for him pretty well. You are enabling his behavior because you respond to it. And I am not blaming you or judging you, feelings work that way. I certainly have been in that very place. You walk around with a heart that just loves that someone, even though your brain is trying to convince you otherwise. If you look at your past together, I guess you know the answer already. The pattern is already established a long time ago and he is not forced to change his behavior in any way. Are you willing to add more years of this just to be sure of this guy? Or has it been enough? The stakes are very high. I wish you the best in your situation. I think a more equal relationship would make you a happier person.
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