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OK- so how much does being a parent change your life?


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Posted

Hi all. In a month I am getting married. I turn 32 in a few months, and my fiance turns 33, so we are already definately of parenting age! lol

We would like children, me more than him. He is on the fence really, and while he gets excited sometimes thinking of the day when we will be parents, if I were to turn around and say I never want kids, he'd be fine with that.

 

The thing is, we both want children, but we also love our present lifestyle. We do a lot of overseas travel, and we enjoy the freedom we have. We did not meet until our late twenties, and we are quite happy doing things together.

I am getting a bit clucky lately, and we plan on trying to start a family in a couple of years or so (we are taking a year off first, to travel around Australia with our caravan, something we've been planning for a long time!)

Some times I simply can't wait. When I see little kids, or babies. But at the same time I am terrified of how much my life is going to change! It's as though I feel like my life will end...as though i will simply have to stop all the things i like doing. Friends, who are parents, have assured me life does not end, but simply changes, as do priorities. You still do many things for yourself, but many other things are enriched through having children. And of course, it is hard work, and you do get busier.

 

So, please share with me your experiences of the transition into parenthood...especially if you can relate to my fears!

Posted

I am a single parent of one 5-year-old. Life definitely changes, but I feel that my life has changed for the better. I admit my social life is not as extensive as it used to be. I'm certainly not free to do whatever I want whenever I want anymore, because I have a child. But your life doesn't just completely evaporate. It's not like all I do is sit home. And I could not even imagine my life without my son. He is the most amazing human being I have ever known.

I think the thing I've noticed most about myself since I've become a parent is that my interests have changed. I used to be more into going out and dancing and having dinner out and hanging out with friends, and what not, and I still do that some. But I've found that now I'm more interested in things like traveling, camping, hiking, bike riding...you know, basically things that can be done with my son. And I do make it a point to find a babysitter I can trust so that I can have some time to myself, also.

Being a parent is not for everyone, but I love it. It's the most fantastic thing that's ever happened to me. I think it's normal to worry that you're going to lose yourself by having a child, because it's something that will change the way you live. I mean, it has to. Having a kid is a very big responsibility. But like a lot of other changes, it can be so wonderful.

I know how you feel though. I have the same fears about getting married. It's just been me and my son for so long. I know that adding another person to my life and my household would change everything, and I'm definitely apprehensive about that.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you for your thoughts. It's reassuring to hear your view on things, and is very similar to what some friends have told me. I guess once we take that leap, we'll deal with whatever comes and embrace the change.

Posted

I am 32 years old and am appro 4 months pregnant. I am with the father of the baby for 3 years (before that i was married with a guy i was with for 10 years and was only married for 4 months before I called it quits). It was a surprise for both of us even though we are not exactly spring chickens and we both have wanted children.

 

To be honest sometimes I feel stressed out and a little overcome with the enormity of it all and I have to take a deep breath. I too wondered and wonder how this will affect my life. I sometimes think that if a child is planned the parents-to-be are more prepared and have alot thoughts kind of put to rest whereas unplanned pregnancies are more of a shock and therefore harder to adjust. I'm sure it will be all I have hoped but I'm still nervous and dont know what to expect.

:confused:

 

July

Posted

I have twins! It changes your life 800% percent. You can't even imagine. But only while the kids are small. I would suggest a big age differnce between two children so that you don't have two little ones. Two are enough, if you ask me. You'll get depressed when you deliver one. It's normal. You'll be frustrated to do all the work that has to be done, especially if you're a stay-at-home mommy. But it will go away...ummm...some day.. :D;)

Posted

Oh, one more thing...you talk about freedom? You'll forget what it means to be free in the first few years. You'll feel imprisoned with your baby during the first year. :eek:

But you know what? They can give you so much love and it's so unconditional and unreserved...you will never wonder whether they really love you. You will fall in love with your child passionately as never before and its kisses will be sweeter than anything else.

They'll also get you into a lot of pain while growing up. But personally I think it's a shame for a woman to not feel what motherhood is, unless she really doesn't want to have children. But most people, especially women do.

Your age is wonderful for having a baby. I was too young, 23. Now I am 30, but I am happy I don't have to go through all that again. :cool:

When you decide to have a baby, you must forget about everything else. Seriously, you must feel totally calm and devote yourself to the baby with a lot of love and patience. If you think about stupid things (like is your husband faithful to you or why is your mother so mean to you lately) you will feel stressed. I wish I could have had peace when I delivered two of them. I was always in a lack of sleep, because I wanted to spend time with my ex-husband too. You can't do more than a baby. It sucks out all of your strength. Remember that!

Plus my ex made me so unhappy, I didn't get to enjoy the motherhood until we split. :)

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the further insights...recordproducer, I am glad you are happy now and will remember your advice when my time comes!

Posted

It does totally transform your life, thinkalot. I was very reluctant for many years - for all the reasons you mentioned and more. I have a strong maternal instinct though and once we'd decided, I couldn't wait to have them.

 

we also love our present lifestyle

I'd wait until you are less attached to your current lifestyle. Your life won't end. You will love having kids. I can remember leaving hospital and being amazed that with all the things I'd seen in life, all the remarkable experiences I'd had compared to many of my peers, I was experiencing one that was in a different league. It was the most rewarding and moving thing I'd ever done, an everyday miracle :D .

 

I STILL have little time to myself. It does limit your freedom. The transition is harder for professional Mums in their 30s who have grown used to doing just what they wish. That doesn't mean they like motherhood less or are less good at it, just that it's more important to them to find ways of retaining a little independence and the support of women facing the same difficult transition.

 

Having kids does really test a relationship too. Again, it's such a joy that people rarely regret it but marriage guidance counsellors will tell you that it is very common for couples to get into difficulty in the early years. All the more reason to have many happy years to establish and strengthen your marriage before you set out.

 

 

In the end the urge to have kids takes over and all questions of timings and reservations go out the window. All other things being equal, that's the best time to have them.

  • Author
Posted

That all makes sense meanon. And you are right, when you say, it will be harder for us, at this age, and me having worked in a professional job my whole life, to step out of it for a while to be a full time mummy!

 

In 2-3 yrs though (if things go according to plan) i think we'll be ready.

 

I hope your friend's pregnancy is going well too ;)

hecknoforgotpw
Posted
Originally posted by RecordProducer

Oh, one more thing...you talk about freedom? You'll forget what it means to be free in the first few years. You'll feel imprisoned with your baby during the first year. :eek:

But you know what? They can give you so much love and it's so unconditional and unreserved...you will never wonder whether they really love you. You will fall in love with your child passionately as never before and its kisses will be sweeter than anything else.

They'll also get you into a lot of pain while growing up. But personally I think it's a shame for a woman to not feel what motherhood is, unless she really doesn't want to have children. But most people, especially women do.

Your age is wonderful for having a baby. I was too young, 23. Now I am 30, but I am happy I don't have to go through all that again. :cool:

When you decide to have a baby, you must forget about everything else. Seriously, you must feel totally calm and devote yourself to the baby with a lot of love and patience. If you think about stupid things (like is your husband faithful to you or why is your mother so mean to you lately) you will feel stressed. I wish I could have had peace when I delivered two of them. I was always in a lack of sleep, because I wanted to spend time with my ex-husband too. You can't do more than a baby. It sucks out all of your strength. Remember that!

Plus my ex made me so unhappy, I didn't get to enjoy the motherhood until we split. :)

 

Yeah, Imprisoned? I just had a child and feel enlightened..I can't imagine a wonderful small child making me feel imprisoned. I feel sorry for whoever feels that way.

 

A newborn is a ton of work, a child much more work. Newborns just sleep, eat and poo/pee for the most part :) When you look at your child, no matter if they've only allowed you to sleep a good full one hour last night..oh my god, there's nothing like it in the world. My daughter makes me realize how beautiful life is, and how pointless everything seems up to this point in my life.

 

Things change? Yes, I used to work in the recording industry and started in film and stopped because I didn't want that influence in my life anymore. Now, I go for better more sound things to influence my career and life..to set an example for my child. You start looking at more family oriented things..but hey, you can take your kid with on your trips..show your child the world..let your child see how your eyes see..you are their eyes for so long, their teacher. IT's really a beautiful thing.

 

One suggestion though, get some Dr Browns bottles if you don't breastfeed exclusively..my goodness what a helper to get your baby to sleep!!!! :) :) :)

Posted

Thinkalot:

In 2-3 yrs though (if things go according to plan) i think we'll be ready.

 

I hope your friend's pregnancy is going well too

 

Now, why doesn't it surprise me that you have a plan? :D

 

Our friend is fine, she's off her meds with no ill effects. Small quirks (I saw your post!) are creeping in - all harmless.

Posted

Babies are very cute. Toddlers are very cute, but hard to handle. Kindergardeners are very cute, hard to handle, out of control.

 

Elementary school age kids are all of the above plus only care about themselves. They still want hugs and it makes it fulfilling.

 

Middle school kids are more self impressed. Some are impressive, most are not. This is the time parents freak because their spawn is not so special.

 

High school kids are separate persons... Most are average. Some are horrid. Some are great.

 

It's a crap shoot. Everyone thinks thier baby is a gift. It is to them. Just not always to the world.

  • Author
Posted
Originally posted by meanon

Thinkalot:

 

 

Now, why doesn't it surprise me that you have a plan? :D

 

Our friend is fine, she's off her meds with no ill effects. Small quirks (I saw your post!) are creeping in - all harmless.

 

that is good to hear!

 

and yes, I adore my plans meanon :laugh:

Posted

they change your life, there is no doubt about that, but about 99.99999% of the time it really is for the better. i was 32 when my son was born and i'm glad i wasn't younger. i felt i'd had time to do the things i really wanted to do before kids and i was ready. well.... as ready as anyone can think they are before they hand you that adorable little screaming creature! :p

 

i can't imagine my life any other way than with them in it. there is just no way to describe the feelings. yes, they're frustrating at times and each year brings new challenges but the rewards outweigh the challenges. mine are now entering the challenging teen years and watching them change and grow up before your eyes is bittersweet. my son will be 14 soon and it still melts my heart (well, maybe more now than ever before) when he tells me he loves me. i'm on that brink of it no longer being "cool" to want to sit next to mom on the couch to watch tv ... and it feels like it's already the beginning of having to let go. and that is a wonderful terrible thing.

 

work was an adjustment, and it still continues to be. new moms tend to be out more with sick kids, it seems. at my kids age, it's school events, sports and orthodontist appts.!!!! but i've been lucky and have a very understanding boss who happens to be a single parent too!

 

and one word of advice.... tofu given to children who are not potty trained is a fate worse than death :sick:

  • Author
Posted

thanks..I am so enjoying reading everyone's responses.

 

izzybelle..got it. no tofu. :p

I also feel that I have done and achieved a lot already, so will be more 'ready' than if i was younger.

 

One thing we will eventually need to decide, is whether to settle near our parents (which is where we currently live), or to move to a younger more vibrant town.

Part of us wants to move, but we also know having grandparents close, once we have kiddies, will be a huge help.

Posted

Having grandparents close is good, my mother and grandmother live across the street... but I would suggest a bit of distance if they tend to get too involved in your life, my ex MIL used to show up unannounced and offer advice a bit too much...

 

Having young children does change things, I do highly recommend you take as long as you can to build your marriage before you build your family, and after kids take lots of time to still be lovers, the happiest marriages I know are people who tend to take at least one weekend a month to be together just the two of them.

 

I wouldn't trade my kids for the world, they make me laugh, make me think, challenge me to be a better person, and dare me to try new things. We are best friends and spend a lot of time just talking, it's amazing how much they teach me.

 

I'm still a fairly strict parent in many areas, but I spend more time talking that I do disciplining and listening more than I correct.

 

I was 21 when I became a parent, and now have three ages 11, 8, and 6... The up all night nights were pretty limited, my kids all slept through the night by 6 months at the latest. Those first six months are pretty exhausting, but seek help any time you feel like you need it. Take a lot of long warm baths... it won't hurt to put a fussy baby down for a half hour soak, and it will keep you from draining too fa down. Sleep when the baby sleeps, it's very important you get your rest.

 

I think the hardest part of parenting in the beginning was isolation, we moved and I didn't have time to make any new friends so I got to where I would crave adult conversation to the point I was best friends with the ladies at 7 to 11... you find yourself pouring adults half glasses of milk, and cutting peoples food for them. It's amazing how fast you become Mommy-fied. You'll figure this out the first time you go somewhere without the baby and you keep feeling like something is missing.

 

A lot of stuff just rolls off of you, as a mother of twins told me when I asked how she did it... you just do because you don't have a choice, you don't even think about it... the sacrifices just become a part of you.

 

But my kids have helped me become a better person, and I am so glad I chose to have them. Now they are all in school and I have baby fever something fierce, but I'm starting to get back to my life now, enrolled in college (from home) Running a business etc. The nice thing is I can still be there for them AND work since I own my own business and I'm really truly happy...

Posted

It changes your life - forever!

 

Two things that people told me that always came back to me as very true:

 

1) you are never 'finished' being a parent - there is never that final 'touch down' when it is all over. I know for a fact, I am starting to worry how my kids will be able to afford houses when they grow up if the double in price every ten years, and may salary hasn't doubled!

 

2) not that anything will happen, but always approach having children as if you are going to be a single parent. Can you handle 1? 2? 3? 4? 5? kids on your own?

 

anyway, hope my humble advice helps :)

Posted

One friend says having kids is like walking around with your heart outside your body. Dr. Phil says you're only ever as happy as your saddest child.

 

I don't mean to rain on the parade, Thinkalot, but I think parents don't consider all the potential situations before having kids. Like what if you have a badly handicapped child, for instance. Or what if a catastrophic disease hits.

It's easy to believe one is ready to cope with the cute little bundle that you get to dress up and play with, but I think people need to be equally ready to cope with, say, paralysis or brain injury. Of course one hopes, wishes, prays that no such thing will befall you - but also that you'll be ready for everything.

Posted

My Wee people are 7 and 4 and I cannot imagine my life without them..

 

Having children does change your life.. it certainly did mine.

 

It changed the way I live, the way I think and the way I view things.. there is nothing like getting down low with my Kiddo's and seeing the world through their eyes for a moment.. makes me appreciate what I have around me.

 

It's hard.. the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.. days I've wanted to pull the covers up over my head and just be Merin for the day.. but couldn't because I've got 2 little people who need something right then :laugh:

 

From my own experience however I can honestly say there aren't 2 other people in this world who inspire me the way my kid's do, that drive me (sometimes to distraction) the way my kids do, that keep it real for me the way my kids do, that crack my ass up the way my kids do, or that I've ever felt such a strong deep connection with in the way I do with my wee peeps :love:

 

Best wishes with whatever choice you and your future hubby make;)

  • 3 weeks later...
Posted
Originally posted by moimeme

One friend says having kids is like walking around with your heart outside your body. Dr. Phil says you're only ever as happy as your saddest child.

 

I don't mean to rain on the parade, Thinkalot, but I think parents don't consider all the potential situations before having kids. Like what if you have a badly handicapped child, for instance. Or what if a catastrophic disease hits.

It's easy to believe one is ready to cope with the cute little bundle that you get to dress up and play with, but I think people need to be equally ready to cope with, say, paralysis or brain injury. Of course one hopes, wishes, prays that no such thing will befall you - but also that you'll be ready for everything.

 

For god sake! Are you having a bad day, Moi? :confused:

Posted
For god sake! Are you having a bad day, Moi?

 

It's reality, RP. Hard, cold, unpleasant reality. There are whole hospitals just for children. Lots of nasty things can happen to them. And I think it's unfair to everybody not to take that into account before you have them.

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