Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 I've just been talking to a guy who I went out on a date with but he tends to read phcological books for fun so the guy is intelligent. He physco- analyzed already. He could tell I was nervous about the prospect of dating him. I'm not entirely sure if I like him but am flattered that he likes me so I'm willing to go out with him a second date. I noticed I tend to push guys away and I'm not sure why I do it. I haven't had a lot of boyfriends and he already said that he likes woman with a bit more experience. I have only had one proper serious boyfriend and maybe slept with a few guys but not enough to testify that as to being " experienced". I've been single for several, several years. He doesn't mind that I haven't had many guys and that my one boyfriend is enough experience but I kind of feel like I want to run under a rock. This fear wells up inside me and I am literally terrified he's going to hurt me and I haven't even had a second date with him. I have no idea where this fear comes from or why I feel this kind of panic. How have others dealt with this fear and has anyone got to the bottom of it?
evanescentworld Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 The fear with this guy is that he's going to psycho-analyse you to pieces - and that in itself is enough to make you run for cover. But I would suggest there's definitely an existing and underlying insecurity and fear there, and if I were you, while i would refuse to allow myself to be scrutinised by a book enthusiast and amateur, it may well pay to visit a qualified psychologist/counsellor, to stop this pattern repeating. 1
todreaminblue Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 If you dont mind me asking....was the break up of your one serious relationship bad? was it that you got hurt quite badly, why you have taken several years to get back into dating...why the long wait.......deb
AndrewTY Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 All I can say to you is if he wants to go on a second date with you then you are perfectly fine for him so you have no reason to worry about.If a guy dosen't like a girl he would not go on a second date with her! (Just my opinion) 1
gaius Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 You're uncomfortable with intimacy for some reason, you've had bad experiences with men, never had a really good sexual enounter, trauma in your past, you're really a lesbian but your religion doesn't allow you to consider the possibility. The list of things it might be is extensive. Without knowing you personally all we can really do is throw out pure speculation. =/ Maybe if that guy is as intuitive as he seems you should keep spending time with him and see what he thinks. 1
regine_phalange Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 How was the relationship with your parents? Was one of them or both uninvolved? This can leave someone with a difficulty to trust, difficulty to form attachments and constantly questioning how real and sincere an attachment is.
kendahke Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 I've just been talking to a guy who I went out on a date with but he tends to read phcological books for fun so the guy is intelligent. He physco- analyzed already. He could tell I was nervous about the prospect of dating him. I'm not entirely sure if I like him but am flattered that he likes me so I'm willing to go out with him a second date. I noticed I tend to push guys away and I'm not sure why I do it. I haven't had a lot of boyfriends and he already said that he likes woman with a bit more experience. I have only had one proper serious boyfriend and maybe slept with a few guys but not enough to testify that as to being " experienced". I've been single for several, several years. He doesn't mind that I haven't had many guys and that my one boyfriend is enough experience but I kind of feel like I want to run under a rock. This fear wells up inside me and I am literally terrified he's going to hurt me and I haven't even had a second date with him. I have no idea where this fear comes from or why I feel this kind of panic. How have others dealt with this fear and has anyone got to the bottom of it? Sounds like Christian Gray... Do you often pick guys who intimidate you?
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted January 26, 2015 Author Posted January 26, 2015 well the one guy I loved I was in a relationship for two years and he basically used me in the end. He didn't want to talk about feelings and I think basically saw me as a hole. After that, I would just get used for one nights or a few on going months of guys who just saw me as a stepping stone before they moved on to someone they actually wanted to be with. I just thought this was normal. Date the unavailable, never get close, never talk about feelings and leave the next morning or even that night. When a guy did want to get close or like me, it was so alien and foreign and crazy and weird to me that I ended up making some excuse to the guy that I am not really someone they should want to get to know or date. Somehow I've developed this idea that to be vulnerable= getting used. I haven't had that many guys and the guys that I have gotten close to don't want to be all that close with me. But the ones that do, I get scared and want to run away from. The guy that said he " prefers woman with experience" I was like well in that case that counts me out then. I said I had been single for more than a decade and I've only had a hand full of men. He said that's enough experience. The only thing he doesn't know is that I haven't been loved before so for me, to give my heart away now is a very costly and scary investment. The idea of him getting close to me leaves me clenched and crying. He told me he likes me even after one date. That again is weird to me. The guys I have been with before I can spend months " getting to know" for them to never tell me anything like that. My relationship with my dad used to be a bit volatile. He used to take his anger out on me and the whole family used to blame me for rocking the boat and causing problems, even though I was a little girl and didn't know what half of what I was actually doing. I think I know that this guys is not threatening although his tendency to physco-analyze is a bit unusual I might even find that a bit condescending. Getting close to a guy with the idea that he might manipulate goes through my mind every time I talk to him.
Gaeta Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 I'm not entirely sure if I like him but am flattered that he likes me so I'm willing to go out with him a second date. Do not give it more than 3 dates. If you don't know on the 3rd date if you like him it means you do NOT like him. When we like someone it's right there in our face and we can't deny it. I noticed I tend to push guys away and I'm not sure why I do it. You push men away because you date men you are not interested in or attracted to. Like this last man you had to break up with. You forced yourself to date him for months then break up. That is not pushing men away. That is dating the wrong man. When you meet a man right for you you won't push him away. Nothing is wrong with you. Don't let this new guy practice his psycho-analyze on you and put all kinds of ideas in your head. I want to run under a rock. This fear wells up inside me and I am literally terrified he's going to hurt me and I haven't even had a second date with him. I have no idea where this fear comes from or why I feel this kind of panic. He would annoy the hell out of me. He is the wrong man for you. Pick a man that does not intimidate you, one that does not think he's Freud and can read everything in you and pick your mind at will.
evanescentworld Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 ...... Nothing is wrong with you. Don't let this new guy practice his psycho-analyze on you and put all kinds of ideas in your head. ..... .....He would annoy the hell out of me. He is the wrong man for you. Pick a man that does not intimidate you, one that does not think he's Freud and can read everything in you and pick your mind at will. Yes, I think the term for someone who practises amateur psychology and asks questions they believe will be pertinent but really are frankly aimless and immaterial, is f*ck-o-lo-gist.... (See OP's first post/first line!) A term not coined by me, but extremely appropriate - and quite pertinent to some members on LS, too!
Recommended Posts