My ex says she doesn't care about me and isn't attracted to me anymore, but why would

[That Guy99]

I was also in a similar situation.

 

Ok, I'm able to give a lengthier response now. I'm glad to have the opportunity to speak with someone else directly that can relate so closely to the things I'm saying.

 

My ex was very insecure to. Although she's very pretty, she never believed it when I told her. I couldn't understand AT ALL how she couldn't see that she was beautiful. It never made sense to me. My girlfriend ended up feeling neglected and without attention also. Eventually I did stop giving her much attention or time, though. I mean, who wants to be around someone when all they want to do is argue? She never wanted me to hangout with friends either. She would talk trash on all my friends and family, even though my family treated her like a member of our family.

 

There were times I could see how big her heart was, however. There were times when she would be so vulnerable and actually let me in. These were the times we were the closest. Those moments became increasingly fleeting as our problems persisted and grew, though. It hurt because in those moments, it felt like I could look directly into her soul and feel her hurt and feel her pain and I knew all she wanted was to be loved--as does everyone. I wanted to love her and protect her SO BAD. I was so patient and loving with her for a long time, but I refused to let my respect be compromised.

 

She began arguments with my ex, she would leave hickies on my neck all the time and period blood on my sheets so other girls would know I have a girlfriend, she even messaged several random girls on Facebook I used to talk to before her and asked if I was going to see them one night because I went with my brother and cousin to stay at a friend's house that lived in a neighboring town. She texted me off a different number before pretending to be another girl, she deleted all my contacts from my phone before because there were some girls numbers I had stored on there before her, she would always say she wished I wouldn't cheat and the list goes on. It was never ending and eventually it pushed me away. I tried to explain things to her, but she would literally refuse to listen sometimes and she always felt attacked and would get defensive. Although I was very particular to never word things in a way that seemed accusatory. I would just simply say how certain things made me feel sometimes and I tried to be so sincere. There was never any changes, so eventually I became tired of it and I did start showing her less attention, I did start calling her names back and engaging in arguments. I just felt like if I can love someone so much and they don't show me respect and love in return, then she doesn't deserve my respect. This may be a flawed way of thinking, but I have learned very much from my relationship with her.

 

I did have regrets because she used my actions near the end of the relationship to justify her irrational ways, but after my second attempt with her where I once again was very patient and attentive, I was finally given some closure because it finally sunk in that NOTHING I did would have worked. I really did everything imaginable and it killed inside to always try so hard, but to never be appreciated and to never receive the same consideration in return.

 

And in regards to your comment about your ex cheating, I don't believe my ex began to stray until the end. She was SO obsessed with me, that I know for sure (or as sure as one can be) the first 2.5 yrs she wasn't doing anything behind my back. She would tell me often how I'm the sexiest man alive and she would even get frustrated at times because she would say I'm TOO perfect. She romanticized me to the fullest and I think that contributed to her paranoia. But I was suffocated. I just don't get how she couldn't see it. I explained to her that her actions are universal in many relationships, and her actions have the same result in all relationships; it pushes the partner away.

 

And with her parents, both of them were/are serial cheaters as well. Both of her sisters are serial cheaters. She has been surrounded by nothing but infidelity her entire life. So I can understand her fear of abandonment. That's the sad thing to me, I can understand why she has the issues she has, but there's nothing I could ever do about it. These impulses are so deeply rooted within her, that they may be permanent. And it's a tragedy because I really did see SO MUCH in her. I still believe she possess great potential. It truly breaks my heart. But that's life I suppose. People who are preconditioned to certain things and have certain parents are practically powerless in how they turn out. Although I don't want to use that as a cop out for her actions or void her of responsibility, I can completely understand from a behavior theorist perspective.

 

I don't mean to make my comment so extremely long, but I just wanted to add my thoughts in regards to upbringing... People really don't understand how much upbringing has an affect on people's lives. I mean people ARE only composed of nature and nurture. And to this day, it's still not fully understood how the two coincide to manifest into who people become. Although many well renowned behavior theorists would argue that environment has a far greater impact than many realize. The most famous behavior theorist John B. Watson once said "Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and I'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select--doctor, lawyer, artist, merchant-chief, and, yes, even beggarman and thief, regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations, and race of his ancestors. I am going beyond my facts and I admit it, but so have the advocates of the contrary and they have been doing it for many thousands of years."... He even acknowledged that his view point may be to the extreme, but I believe it's true for the most part.

 

I think people have a responsibility to seek becoming the best person they can be, I can still understand it when people don't turn out for the best. I mean people ARE only composed of nature and nurture, so when your parents are screwed up and your subject to terrible environments, having some mental issues is inevitable in my mind. It's just sad I couldn't save my ex from the things she was exposed to. This is a cruel world we live in, and sometimes all the love in the world isn't enough to conquer some demons. It's devastating to me as someone who has been exposed to great pain growing up myself.

[myheartaches]

I am sorry that you are going through stuff like this. I just wish that everyone could be happy, and that once you are in a happy relationship, it shall never end!

 

I am a 22 year old female who is very insecure. We females are pretty rough because we honestly hate ourselves, so why would we think other guys would like us? We see flaws in ourselves, while thinking every other female is so beautiful. There really is absolutely nothing that you can do to help someone love themselves. I can totally understand how constantly reassuring someone that you love them can be very annoying. Sometimes us insecure people need a little more affection.

 

NC is going to be a little rough for you since you have a baby together. Her saying "I don't care" probably means that she does care.

 

I totally understand you putting your ex on a pedestal. I have that problem with my ex! I thought that he was so perfect, and so very very smart. We would have such intellectual conversations about deep stuff. I thought that he was so perfect and beautiful, and it tormented me because I thought I would never find someone so perfect again!

 

But then!! After 5 months of heartbreak so far! I realized that he's a butthole and that there are plenty of other fantastic men out there! I love my guys to be extremely mature and smart! But please don't worry! There are actually more females in college than men, so that means finding an attractive smart woman will be easy!

 

I know it's confusing, but definitely focus on your little girl. She is your princess, and she could never break your heart!

[ta777]

Ok, I'm able to give a lengthier response now. I'm glad to have the opportunity to speak with someone else directly that can relate so closely to the things I'm saying.

 

My ex was very insecure to. Although she's very pretty, she never believed it when I told her. I couldn't understand AT ALL how she couldn't see that she was beautiful. It never made sense to me. My girlfriend ended up feeling neglected and without attention also. Eventually I did stop giving her much attention or time, though. I mean, who wants to be around someone when all they want to do is argue? She never wanted me to hangout with friends either. She would talk trash on all my friends and family, even though my family treated her like a member of our family.

 

There were times I could see how big her heart was, however. There were times when she would be so vulnerable and actually let me in. These were the times we were the closest. Those moments became increasingly fleeting as our problems persisted and grew, though. It hurt because in those moments, it felt like I could look directly into her soul and feel her hurt and feel her pain and I knew all she wanted was to be loved--as does everyone. I wanted to love her and protect her SO BAD. I was so patient and loving with her for a long time, but I refused to let my respect be compromised.

 

She began arguments with my ex, she would leave hickies on my neck all the time and period blood on my sheets so other girls would know I have a girlfriend, she even messaged several random girls on Facebook I used to talk to before her and asked if I was going to see them one night because I went with my brother and cousin to stay at a friend's house that lived in a neighboring town. She texted me off a different number before pretending to be another girl, she deleted all my contacts from my phone before because there were some girls numbers I had stored on there before her, she would always say she wished I wouldn't cheat and the list goes on. It was never ending and eventually it pushed me away. I tried to explain things to her, but she would literally refuse to listen sometimes and she always felt attacked and would get defensive. Although I was very particular to never word things in a way that seemed accusatory. I would just simply say how certain things made me feel sometimes and I tried to be so sincere. There was never any changes, so eventually I became tired of it and I did start showing her less attention, I did start calling her names back and engaging in arguments. I just felt like if I can love someone so much and they don't show me respect and love in return, then she doesn't deserve my respect. This may be a flawed way of thinking, but I have learned very much from my relationship with her.

 

I did have regrets because she used my actions near the end of the relationship to justify her irrational ways, but after my second attempt with her where I once again was very patient and attentive, I was finally given some closure because it finally sunk in that NOTHING I did would have worked. I really did everything imaginable and it killed inside to always try so hard, but to never be appreciated and to never receive the same consideration in return.

 

And in regards to your comment about your ex cheating, I don't believe my ex began to stray until the end. She was SO obsessed with me, that I know for sure (or as sure as one can be) the first 2.5 yrs she wasn't doing anything behind my back. She would tell me often how I'm the sexiest man alive and she would even get frustrated at times because she would say I'm TOO perfect. She romanticized me to the fullest and I think that contributed to her paranoia. But I was suffocated. I just don't get how she couldn't see it. I explained to her that her actions are universal in many relationships, and her actions have the same result in all relationships; it pushes the partner away.

 

And with her parents, both of them were/are serial cheaters as well. Both of her sisters are serial cheaters. She has been surrounded by nothing but infidelity her entire life. So I can understand her fear of abandonment. That's the sad thing to me, I can understand why she has the issues she has, but there's nothing I could ever do about it. These impulses are so deeply rooted within her, that they may be permanent. And it's a tragedy because I really did see SO MUCH in her. I still believe she possess great potential. It truly breaks my heart. But that's life I suppose. People who are preconditioned to certain things and have certain parents are practically powerless in how they turn out. Although I don't want to use that as a cop out for her actions or void her of responsibility, I can completely understand from a behavior theorist perspective.

 

I don't mean to make my comment so extremely long, but I just wanted to add my thoughts in regards to upbringing... People really don't understand how much upbringing has an affect on people's lives. I mean people ARE only composed of nature and nurture. And to this day, it's still not fully understood how the two coincide to manifest into who people become. Although many well renowned behavior theorists would argue that environment has a far greater impact than many realize. The most famous behavior theorist John B. Watson once said "Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and I'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select--doctor, lawyer, artist, merchant-chief, and, yes, even beggarman and thief, regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations, and race of his ancestors. I am going beyond my facts and I admit it, but so have the advocates of the contrary and they have been doing it for many thousands of years."... He even acknowledged that his view point may be to the extreme, but I believe it's true for the most part.

 

I think people have a responsibility to seek becoming the best person they can be, I can still understand it when people don't turn out for the best. I mean people ARE only composed of nature and nurture, so when your parents are screwed up and your subject to terrible environments, having some mental issues is inevitable in my mind. It's just sad I couldn't save my ex from the things she was exposed to. This is a cruel world we live in, and sometimes all the love in the world isn't enough to conquer some demons. It's devastating to me as someone who has been exposed to great pain growing up myself.

 

It was the exact same thing for me, she would never believe that I thought she was beautiful. I remember one time where we had finished having sex, and she got and started scratching her entire body with her nails. She said she didn't feel beautiful. I had to stop her from harming herself even more. I didn't know how to handle the situation, I just couldn't believe it. I ended up reassuring her that she was beautiful, that she shouldn't hurt herself like that ever again and that she needed to stop putting herself down. Other times she said she had suicidal thoughts because of her appearance. I didn't really know what to think of it at the time, I thought maybe it was attention seeking but now I realize something is truly wrong in her head. Your ex was doing this because she felt abandoned. They need to have all the attention and time dedicated to them. Although my ex said I was giving her enough attention, I was seeing her almost every day of the week. We go to the same college so I'd see her every day of school, I would also see her very often after work. There were some days where I had work or a day planned with friends and family and this was when she was out cheating on me. My ex and I would also argue a lot, but it was over trivial things like her drink order being messed up or something along those lines. BPD people start arguments over the simplest of things so I understand why you would distance yourself from her. I couldn't take it sometimes either so I would just get up and say I was going to leave. This is when my ex's fear of abandonment would be triggered and she would literally start begging me crying and holding on to me so that I wouldn't leave. I never understood why she acted this way but it made sense after learning about BPD.

 

I too was patient and loving to my ex for all those years. I loved her and wanted her to know she was loved, especially because of her almost non-existent relationships with both her dad and mom. She lived with her mom but they hardly ever talked, my mom sort of took on that role with her and they were very close. I think this is what hurts us so much, that we truly loved them and gave them our all but they took us for granted. It's not because of us but rather their condition. It's just a never ending cycle for them it seems, it'll just keep happening in every relationship. I don't know your situation but the main issue she had with me was me using instagram and just the internet in general. She was always paranoid that I was looking at porn, and girls on the internet. She would force me to promise her that I would stop or she would leave me she said. I, not knowing what to do, would always agree but I never stopped. I felt she had no right to that, and yea I shouldn't have lied about it but there was no other way with her. Its not like I made it public or did it in front of her. Initially I felt bad after the breakup because she said she left me for this reason in addition to the "lack" of attention and affection but after I learned things from her ex best friend it made me realize I wasn't the bad guy at all. I learned that throughout our relationship she was talking to guys behind my back, even going out with them when she would initiate breaks between us. She was emotionally cheating on me the whole time and I never knew, but she always painted me as the bad person who looked at models on the internet. She made me feel bad about it but in reality she was the bad person. My love was never enough for her otherwise she wouldn't have needed the attention from all those guys she was talking to. I just can't believe how hypocritical she was, she said I was a bad guy for looking at girls on instagram but the things she was doing were way worse in my opinion.

 

I can't relate to the "branding" that you went through or the confrontations with exes. Interesting, my ex did the same thing by texting me from a friend's phone pretending to be a coworker who had a crush on me. I knew it was her based on the area code her friend was from and because when I asked questions about work they didn't know the answers. This is crazy behavior in my opinion. I confronted her about it and she denied it all the way through never to say it was her. My ex would always feel attacked as well, and then get all defensive about it. I would tell her that she needed to trust me, that I loved her more than anything in the world and would never cheat on her. I told her I had zero tolerance for cheaters and would never do that to another person. I also began to get tired but I never called her names during arguments, I always knew she was sensitive and emotional and knew it would make things worse. I would actually tell her she was acting like a child sometimes but little did I know she literally had the emotional capacity of a child. You're not wrong in thinking that if respect isn't giving to you, you shouldn't give it back, I would feel the same way.

 

You're right, nothing you did would ever have worked. I've begun to come to terms with that. I was reading on the nimh.gov site that people with BPD feel as if what their partners do for them is never enough. Look it up and you'll see what I'm talking about. BPDs act irrationally and will always put the blame on you. They're unable to take responsibility for their actions because they're essentially a child emotionally.

 

Same thing happened to me, I was idolized for a long time as the perfect man. This is how they hook people in. I never though about it that way but I think you're right about the whole paranoia thing. If they believe we are so perfect and handsome then we must be desirable to every other girl out there. So you would say you felt you were put on a pedestal? My ex wanted me to put her on one, she said I never complimented her enough but when I did she would shoot me down and say "that's all you have to say?" or "I'm just cute?", like you said it was never enough. Reading some of her posts after the breakup she talked about how this new guy showers her with affection and compliments and that she deserves it because she is a princess. Those were literally her words. As for the infidelity on my side, I don't know the exact details because I didn't want to know but physical cheating wasn't ruled out, and her talking to guys behind my back had been going on for years if not the beginning.

 

My ex had something similar happening around her and that was failed marriages. They were spread out throughout her family on both sides, it was pretty sad. She noticed this and would say things like I'm never getting married but yet she told my mom once that she wanted to marry me. I feel you in that respect man, it all started when they were young as a result of their upbringing. It's sad but I can't void her responsibility either. I saw a lot in my ex too, thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her so it also breaks my heart that things ended in this way.

 

I agree with you about a child's upbringing and how it shapes them to be who they are. I think genetics play a role as well with mental illnesses. For example, my ex's mom was bipolar and her dad has high blood pressure. Both of these conditions are linked to BPD in some way. I almost positive my ex had high blood pressure because she always threw temper tantrums and was easily set off. She had a short fuse. She was also very impulsive and wouldn't put much thought into things before doing them.

 

If you need to talk some more I'm more than willing! Let me know.

 

EDIT: I apologize for writing this as if it was confirmed your ex has BPD. For some reason I assumed that. You should do some research on borderline personality disorder, specifically on bpdfamily.com. After doing that I realized that my ex has to have this condition. It answered almost all of the questions and concerns I had about her behavior and the way she went about things. It explained a lot of the things I couldn't understand. It can maybe help you out as well.

Edited January 28, 2015 by ta777

[kevcon64]

Hi,

Reading this was interesting to me. My situation is somewhat similar. My situation, I met my girl 2 years ago out at a club I am 40 and she is 23. Before you judge please read. When we first met I had my **** together and was confident and I pushed her away because she was too young.

 

 

We lived about 45 minutes away from each other but randomly she would be in my town and call me to meet her for happy hour. Eventually I gave in and took her on some dates and offered her to stay in my spare bedroom. The first night she stayed over she slept in my bed and told me she can't believe how comfortable she felt with me. We had many similarity's love of travel and going on day hiking trips. She is very beautiful and when we would go out other guys would hit on her and she would brashly push them away saying she was with me. I never had someone look at me with so much passion and love. I have never felt so good I was the best high ever and after two months we got together and she moved in.

I got her a job as a hostes and the first couple of months together were amazing. Then about 5 months in I lost my job and got very depressed. She would say she was missing her family and that she wanted to go home on her days off to see them. I was fine with that but one night early in the morning I noticed I saw a post on her page that she was at a party. My phone pings when someone I am following on facebook posts something. The next day she deleted it. That night she said she was going to bed early and called while in bed. So she lied to me. Then when she came home I looked at her phone, she apologized for deleting the post the guy had made on her page and said she did not want drama with me.

I called her out on it. I didn 't mention I saw her phone just the post. She lied to me again stating the guy posted on her page but she was at home.

 

 

After this I started checking her phone and discovered she was going to parties when she went home, which was fine with me I know she is young. But she was giving her number out and meeting up with the new guys she was meeting. She also had guys she was meeting guys after work that she worked with.

 

 

I truly loved this girl but when I saw the emotional cheating I became even more stressed. I didn't know how to deal with it and tried to make excuses for her that they were just friends. But my gut was twisted and It caused me anxiety. I couldn't even concentrate on finding a job I started reading sites trying to see what to do. I started getting passive aggressive and would put her down at times. I hurt myself when I did this. But I felt disrespected and subconsciously I kept doing it. She was also tunning me down for sex saying that I needed to be more romantic. This frustrated me and I figured it was because she was sleeping with someone else. So I started watching porn and serviceing myself in order to get to her.

 

 

I couldn't afford to do the things we once did and I tried to control things. I made a boundary she cannot hang out with a guy until I meet him. Then one day she went bowling with a guy from work and I told her she needed to leave. I told her I didn't think she loved me and I needed to be with someone that appreciated me.

The next day we talked through things and I told her she could stay. She said she wouldn't go home as much and we would work on our relationship and she would try to work on sex with me. However, I kept looking at her phone and she was still talking to other guys. This hurt then for the New year of 2013 I made romantic plans for us but she said she couldn't go because she had to celebrate her best friends birthday. I told her that was fine we could go together. Then the day before we were going to go she said her friend didn't want me to go. I kind of understood because it was her Girl Friends 21 birthday. Then when she got back I looked at her phone and the whole time she was up there she was telling a guy she was moving back home and that she was done with me.

Then later in the week after she got home from new years she mentioned she is going to start looking for a new job. I asked her where and she said back home. I broke up with her. However, I agreed to let her stay until she could find a job. She never looked and was still talking to other guys. Finally I called a contact and got her a job where she lived.

She moved out and I didn't call her for 21 days. I wanted her back and when I asked if we could work on things she told me she was seeing someone Later I found out it was one of her "best friends". She was having the time of her life going out all the time and going on dates. I asked if we could work on things she declined and said she thinks there is someone better for her and we weren't meant to be.

I said ok and went NC She called me a week later when she was in town and I agreed to meet her for happy hour. I had been talking to a girl who was blowing my phone up while I was out with my ex. My ex got jealous and said she couldn't believe I moved on so quickly. That night she F___ed my brains out. She became aggressive like in the beginning of our relationship. I started to fall in love with her again and we were having the best sex we ever did. I folded and stopped talking to the other girl and asked to work on things with her. She flat out said she wants her cake and eat it too. I told her that is fine but I am going to date other people as well. She said she couldn't do that and said she needed space to work on herself..

I went contact for 30 days and contacted her for her birthday. I asked to take her out for drinks for her birthday. She agreed but said not to pick her up and she would meet me out. When we met up out of habit I reached out to grab her hand she pushed me away. She said she didn't want to get back together with me. She said she never loved me. Also that I should want her to move on because she deserved better. I actually cried it hurt to hear that she never loved me.. This was in may. Then after that I was upset a couple of times I drunk dialed her confessing my love to her. She told me to move on and that she never wanted to be with me again. I waited another month and contacted her to hang out. She wrote back that she wanted 100% NC and not to contact her again.

Then my best friend passed away and I found him. I was messed up I drove down and showed up at her work to see if she would talk to me because I felt she would make me feel better. She called me a stalker and said she hadn't changed her mind and she wants 100% NC.

I have not talked to her sense. I have never felt the love I had for her and I find myself still loving her after 4 months NC.

 

 

My question do you think she has MPD, sociopath Narcissistic, or just young? I still love her and think about her. I have never experienced the strong connection we sometimes had. I know I need to move on but I haven't been able too. Sorry for the length and thanks for your help!

Kevin

 

 

Question

[That Guy99]

It was the exact same thing for me, she would never believe that I thought she was beautiful. I remember one time where we had finished having sex, and she got and started scratching her entire body with her nails. She said she didn't feel beautiful. I had to stop her from harming herself even more. I didn't know how to handle the situation, I just couldn't believe it. I ended up reassuring her that she was beautiful, that she shouldn't hurt herself like that ever again and that she needed to stop putting herself down. Other times she said she had suicidal thoughts because of her appearance. I didn't really know what to think of it at the time, I thought maybe it was attention seeking but now I realize something is truly wrong in her head. Your ex was doing this because she felt abandoned. They need to have all the attention and time dedicated to them. Although my ex said I was giving her enough attention, I was seeing her almost every day of the week. We go to the same college so I'd see her every day of school, I would also see her very often after work. There were some days where I had work or a day planned with friends and family and this was when she was out cheating on me. My ex and I would also argue a lot, but it was over trivial things like her drink order being messed up or something along those lines. BPD people start arguments over the simplest of things so I understand why you would distance yourself from her. I couldn't take it sometimes either so I would just get up and say I was going to leave. This is when my ex's fear of abandonment would be triggered and she would literally start begging me crying and holding on to me so that I wouldn't leave. I never understood why she acted this way but it made sense after learning about BPD.

 

I too was patient and loving to my ex for all those years. I loved her and wanted her to know she was loved, especially because of her almost non-existent relationships with both her dad and mom. She lived with her mom but they hardly ever talked, my mom sort of took on that role with her and they were very close. I think this is what hurts us so much, that we truly loved them and gave them our all but they took us for granted. It's not because of us but rather their condition. It's just a never ending cycle for them it seems, it'll just keep happening in every relationship. I don't know your situation but the main issue she had with me was me using instagram and just the internet in general. She was always paranoid that I was looking at porn, and girls on the internet. She would force me to promise her that I would stop or she would leave me she said. I, not knowing what to do, would always agree but I never stopped. I felt she had no right to that, and yea I shouldn't have lied about it but there was no other way with her. Its not like I made it public or did it in front of her. Initially I felt bad after the breakup because she said she left me for this reason in addition to the "lack" of attention and affection but after I learned things from her ex best friend it made me realize I wasn't the bad guy at all. I learned that throughout our relationship she was talking to guys behind my back, even going out with them when she would initiate breaks between us. She was emotionally cheating on me the whole time and I never knew, but she always painted me as the bad person who looked at models on the internet. She made me feel bad about it but in reality she was the bad person. My love was never enough for her otherwise she wouldn't have needed the attention from all those guys she was talking to. I just can't believe how hypocritical she was, she said I was a bad guy for looking at girls on instagram but the things she was doing were way worse in my opinion.

 

I can't relate to the "branding" that you went through or the confrontations with exes. Interesting, my ex did the same thing by texting me from a friend's phone pretending to be a coworker who had a crush on me. I knew it was her based on the area code her friend was from and because when I asked questions about work they didn't know the answers. This is crazy behavior in my opinion. I confronted her about it and she denied it all the way through never to say it was her. My ex would always feel attacked as well, and then get all defensive about it. I would tell her that she needed to trust me, that I loved her more than anything in the world and would never cheat on her. I told her I had zero tolerance for cheaters and would never do that to another person. I also began to get tired but I never called her names during arguments, I always knew she was sensitive and emotional and knew it would make things worse. I would actually tell her she was acting like a child sometimes but little did I know she literally had the emotional capacity of a child. You're not wrong in thinking that if respect isn't giving to you, you shouldn't give it back, I would feel the same way.

 

You're right, nothing you did would ever have worked. I've begun to come to terms with that. I was reading on the nimh.gov site that people with BPD feel as if what their partners do for them is never enough. Look it up and you'll see what I'm talking about. BPDs act irrationally and will always put the blame on you. They're unable to take responsibility for their actions because they're essentially a child emotionally.

 

Same thing happened to me, I was idolized for a long time as the perfect man. This is how they hook people in. I never though about it that way but I think you're right about the whole paranoia thing. If they believe we are so perfect and handsome then we must be desirable to every other girl out there. So you would say you felt you were put on a pedestal? My ex wanted me to put her on one, she said I never complimented her enough but when I did she would shoot me down and say "that's all you have to say?" or "I'm just cute?", like you said it was never enough. Reading some of her posts after the breakup she talked about how this new guy showers her with affection and compliments and that she deserves it because she is a princess. Those were literally her words. As for the infidelity on my side, I don't know the exact details because I didn't want to know but physical cheating wasn't ruled out, and her talking to guys behind my back had been going on for years if not the beginning.

 

My ex had something similar happening around her and that was failed marriages. They were spread out throughout her family on both sides, it was pretty sad. She noticed this and would say things like I'm never getting married but yet she told my mom once that she wanted to marry me. I feel you in that respect man, it all started when they were young as a result of their upbringing. It's sad but I can't void her responsibility either. I saw a lot in my ex too, thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her so it also breaks my heart that things ended in this way.

 

I agree with you about a child's upbringing and how it shapes them to be who they are. I think genetics play a role as well with mental illnesses. For example, my ex's mom was bipolar and her dad has high blood pressure. Both of these conditions are linked to BPD in some way. I almost positive my ex had high blood pressure because she always threw temper tantrums and was easily set off. She had a short fuse. She was also very impulsive and wouldn't put much thought into things before doing them.

 

If you need to talk some more I'm more than willing! Let me know.

 

EDIT: I apologize for writing this as if it was confirmed your ex has BPD. For some reason I assumed that. You should do some research on borderline personality disorder, specifically on bpdfamily.com. After doing that I realized that my ex has to have this condition. It answered almost all of the questions and concerns I had about her behavior and the way she went about things. It explained a lot of the things I couldn't understand. It can maybe help you out as well.

 

In regards to my girlfriend, she had never tried to harm herself or attempt suicide. It's my understanding that a high percentage of people with BPD attempt suicide at some point, though. There was only one time she ever mentioned suicide, and it was because I was going to my brother's college graduation party. It wasn't anything major either, just friends and family mostly. And I knew she wasn't serious, she just wanted to persuade me not to go.

 

I'm not entirely sure what her exact diagnosis would be, personality disorders can have so much overlap and it can be difficult sometimes coming up with a distinct diagnosis, but she definitely has characteristics that pertain to having some form of personality disorder. She had an immense fear of abandonment, she always played the roll of the victim, in addition to frequent mood swings. She would also cry out of nowhere sometimes and be very emotional. She even admitted to me last week that she was in her room crying for 2 days and was asking me what the meaning of life was. I told her that before I would have gladly talked to her and comforted her and given her my thoughts on things and been someone to listen, but that's no longer something I'm willing to do after everything that has happened. I told her we need to speak strictly about our daughter and that I want to see her and deal with her the least amount possible.

 

I'm someone who has a lot of pride, however, I still do everything I can to remain humble and be open minded, and I like to have compassion for other people. I try to be as well rounded as possible. I had forewarned her in the beginning of the relationship that one thing I take VERY seriously is someone abusing my love. I told her that if I love someone and give my all to them and they step all over it or abuse my love, then I will meet fire with fire. Although I think I was probably too aggressive. I learned from this there are other ways I can maintain my respect in a relationship similar to this other than putting her down in retaliation and making her feel bad. And as I mentioned, for a very long time I was extremely patient and would always thoroughly explain anything she may of been worried about, but it never sufficed. She would still be paranoid and accuse me of stuff and make me feel like I'm in the wrong all the time. So eventually my patience wore thin. I would do everything I could to always explain, but she would be disrespectful and refuse to listen often-times and after she got pregnant (mid-way through the relationship), she said she fell out of love with me and wanted an abortion. I couldn't understand how I could do so much for a person, but they could behave in such a way. So eventually I said some very nasty things. I exploited her insecurities. I said things about her body, I mentioned things about her being abused growing up, I made comments how I had sex with her sister before we were together, and pretty much the nastiest things someone could say. I understand all of this sounds harsh, and it is, but this was after she had made comments such as she wished someone else would have gotten her pregnant and that she never loved me and things like that.

 

Things were pretty tumultuous early on, but I failed to see the signs. There were some things that really contributed to her issues, also. We began dating the beginning of one summer I was back home on college break. We had sex all the time and she was absolutely my type 100%. Really big ass, with a gorgeous face, and overall sexy body. I couldn't get enough of her. Eventually I went to college, never anticipating talking to her again because I expected just a summer thing, but we both began to miss each other. I started coming down every weekend and it was like pure ecstasy. We would be in my room naked all weekend, having passionate sex. It was amazing. But she started to get insecure. She hated that I went to school at a big University an hour and a half away. She would go INSANE if I went more than 15 minutes without responding to a text or call. I could understand her fears, so I was very patient. After she got pregnant, I even enrolled in a smaller college in my home town for a semester to take care of her and I let her move in with me. I bought her clothes, paid her phone bill every month, gave her a car to drive; everything. Her parents were also in prison at this time, so their influences were kept at a distance. Another thing that I alluded to that she hated was that I had sex with her older sister before we were together. She didn't know about this until she was already in love with me, however. Her sister actually cheated on her boyfriend with me. Apparently her sister used to always talk about how attractive I am and mentioned she was thinking about cheating on her boyfriend with me, and my ex told her she shouldn't do that. So that's apparently why she never told my ex we had sex because she thought she would say something about her cheating...

 

Also, she was aware that I had been with many girls from around the area. She even had a confrontation with another girl at the park one day during the summer we initially started seeing each other, because I had slept with this other girl a few times and she was practically in love with me. Although I never gave this girl the impression that I wanted a relationship. She had also heard other girls talk about me before and say things about me being attractive and other things like that. And my ex before her was attractive to, so she always felt she was in competition with her also. But I did EVERYTHING I could to mitigate these thoughts and tell her nobody ever compared to her and would say everything I could. I know these things may sound bad, but anything I did before our relationship I couldn't change, and I couldn't change the fact that I went to college so far away. These were circumstances that existed before she even came along. But considering everything I have mentioned, I understood her insecurities. So that's why I was even as patient as I was. When you combine all of these things with her underlying issues though, I don't think there was anything I could have done.

 

I have tried to mention things here that could paint a better picture from her perspective, but as I said, I couldn't reverse time and undo things. All I could do is love her and never make her feel inferior to anyone else; which I did. And those are things I had whole-heartedly believed. I loved her more than I have ever loved anyone, more than I ever loved any ex. I felt a connection in our souls it felt like. I desperately tried to show her that. But some things really just aren't meant to last, I suppose. I think my lust for her really blinded me to. It's extremely difficult considering she was exactly what I was looking for in so many ways.

Edited January 28, 2015 by That Guy99

[That Guy99]

Hi,

Reading this was interesting to me. My situation is somewhat similar. My situation, I met my girl 2 years ago out at a club I am 40 and she is 23. Before you judge please read. When we first met I had my **** together and was confident and I pushed her away because she was too young.

 

 

We lived about 45 minutes away from each other but randomly she would be in my town and call me to meet her for happy hour. Eventually I gave in and took her on some dates and offered her to stay in my spare bedroom. The first night she stayed over she slept in my bed and told me she can't believe how comfortable she felt with me. We had many similarity's love of travel and going on day hiking trips. She is very beautiful and when we would go out other guys would hit on her and she would brashly push them away saying she was with me. I never had someone look at me with so much passion and love. I have never felt so good I was the best high ever and after two months we got together and she moved in.

I got her a job as a hostes and the first couple of months together were amazing. Then about 5 months in I lost my job and got very depressed. She would say she was missing her family and that she wanted to go home on her days off to see them. I was fine with that but one night early in the morning I noticed I saw a post on her page that she was at a party. My phone pings when someone I am following on facebook posts something. The next day she deleted it. That night she said she was going to bed early and called while in bed. So she lied to me. Then when she came home I looked at her phone, she apologized for deleting the post the guy had made on her page and said she did not want drama with me.

I called her out on it. I didn 't mention I saw her phone just the post. She lied to me again stating the guy posted on her page but she was at home.

 

 

After this I started checking her phone and discovered she was going to parties when she went home, which was fine with me I know she is young. But she was giving her number out and meeting up with the new guys she was meeting. She also had guys she was meeting guys after work that she worked with.

 

 

I truly loved this girl but when I saw the emotional cheating I became even more stressed. I didn't know how to deal with it and tried to make excuses for her that they were just friends. But my gut was twisted and It caused me anxiety. I couldn't even concentrate on finding a job I started reading sites trying to see what to do. I started getting passive aggressive and would put her down at times. I hurt myself when I did this. But I felt disrespected and subconsciously I kept doing it. She was also tunning me down for sex saying that I needed to be more romantic. This frustrated me and I figured it was because she was sleeping with someone else. So I started watching porn and serviceing myself in order to get to her.

 

 

I couldn't afford to do the things we once did and I tried to control things. I made a boundary she cannot hang out with a guy until I meet him. Then one day she went bowling with a guy from work and I told her she needed to leave. I told her I didn't think she loved me and I needed to be with someone that appreciated me.

The next day we talked through things and I told her she could stay. She said she wouldn't go home as much and we would work on our relationship and she would try to work on sex with me. However, I kept looking at her phone and she was still talking to other guys. This hurt then for the New year of 2013 I made romantic plans for us but she said she couldn't go because she had to celebrate her best friends birthday. I told her that was fine we could go together. Then the day before we were going to go she said her friend didn't want me to go. I kind of understood because it was her Girl Friends 21 birthday. Then when she got back I looked at her phone and the whole time she was up there she was telling a guy she was moving back home and that she was done with me.

Then later in the week after she got home from new years she mentioned she is going to start looking for a new job. I asked her where and she said back home. I broke up with her. However, I agreed to let her stay until she could find a job. She never looked and was still talking to other guys. Finally I called a contact and got her a job where she lived.

She moved out and I didn't call her for 21 days. I wanted her back and when I asked if we could work on things she told me she was seeing someone Later I found out it was one of her "best friends". She was having the time of her life going out all the time and going on dates. I asked if we could work on things she declined and said she thinks there is someone better for her and we weren't meant to be.

I said ok and went NC She called me a week later when she was in town and I agreed to meet her for happy hour. I had been talking to a girl who was blowing my phone up while I was out with my ex. My ex got jealous and said she couldn't believe I moved on so quickly. That night she F___ed my brains out. She became aggressive like in the beginning of our relationship. I started to fall in love with her again and we were having the best sex we ever did. I folded and stopped talking to the other girl and asked to work on things with her. She flat out said she wants her cake and eat it too. I told her that is fine but I am going to date other people as well. She said she couldn't do that and said she needed space to work on herself..

I went contact for 30 days and contacted her for her birthday. I asked to take her out for drinks for her birthday. She agreed but said not to pick her up and she would meet me out. When we met up out of habit I reached out to grab her hand she pushed me away. She said she didn't want to get back together with me. She said she never loved me. Also that I should want her to move on because she deserved better. I actually cried it hurt to hear that she never loved me.. This was in may. Then after that I was upset a couple of times I drunk dialed her confessing my love to her. She told me to move on and that she never wanted to be with me again. I waited another month and contacted her to hang out. She wrote back that she wanted 100% NC and not to contact her again.

Then my best friend passed away and I found him. I was messed up I drove down and showed up at her work to see if she would talk to me because I felt she would make me feel better. She called me a stalker and said she hadn't changed her mind and she wants 100% NC.

I have not talked to her sense. I have never felt the love I had for her and I find myself still loving her after 4 months NC.

 

 

My question do you think she has MPD, sociopath Narcissistic, or just young? I still love her and think about her. I have never experienced the strong connection we sometimes had. I know I need to move on but I haven't been able too. Sorry for the length and thanks for your help!

Kevin

 

 

Question

 

As I mentioned in my last comment, it can be difficult coming up with a specific diagnosis sometimes. They have to persistently display certain characteristics to decide whether they may suffer from something such as a mood disorder or BPD. However, from the things you had mentioned, I would say her issues primarily lied within her age, as well as the age gap between the 2 of you. I can't speak from experience in regards to such a large difference in age in a relationship, and I don't judge you at all for that (I understand love really does work in mysterious ways), but she probably just grew bored as many young girls do. She probably wanted to party as you mentioned, and wanted to do things her friends were doing. I don't deny that she probably loved you. I'm sure you guys did share a deep felt connection. She probably just thought about things more seriously once she moved in and the seriousness of her commitment to you really sunk in, and some of the lust wore off. Nothing that you said would lead me to believe that she was abnormal, however, I obviously don't know her or know the whole story.

 

Also, I know it can be extremely hard resisting the urge to reach out to someone you love and miss, but she felt like she had the control and power. One thing I have always been conscious of was to NEVER allow my ex to see me as an option. To never allow her to think she can toy with my emotions and to allow her to believe I'll come running back as soon as she desired. Metaphorically speaking, the ball is in my court. I think that's the mentality you have to have with emotionally immature females. You can't allow them to think they control you, or then they lose respect for you. And once they lose respect for you, then they lose attraction for you. That's the mistake many guys make, they allow the female to make them seem weak (although I'm not implying that with you), and they think they can control them. I'm not going to say I didn't miss my ex and that I didn't try to make things work after I kicked her out of my house, but I always maintained my dignity and I always took swift action whenever she abused my love and trust. I was not going to allow her to make it seem like she could control me like some puppet master. As I mentioned in my last comment, my girlfriend said she fell out of love with me and wanted an abortion when she got pregnant. This was at the beginning of summer, and I didn't allow her to know it affected me. I actually went to a party soon after this and what do you know, she showed up. It was a bon fire type party, and I was working out avidly at the time, so I had no shortage of girls approaching me as I was there with a tank top on. My ex saw this and went crazy. She tried to start a fight with a couple girls that were talking to me and she was an emotional wreck. After this, she wanted to get back with me immediately...

 

I mention that story because it illustrates my point. She treated me as an option and acted as if I was around for her whenever she wanted, but I wouldn't allow that. I didn't allow her to know it hurt me, and I also made it evident to her that I was desirable to other women. That other women would love to have me if she didn't want to be with me. This drove her crazy... And although I got back with my ex for about a month, this was after her contacting me repeatedly and trying to get my attention. I ignored her for a very long time, but one night very late, we saw each other in a gas station after I had just got done working out, and she called me wanting to hang out. I was bored, lonely, and horny, so I picked her up. We tried to start things again, but she lied to me multiple times and acted distant. So I had no choice but to cut her off again. Now she has contacted me again about a certain movie I should watch, about how she questions life, about how she can't believe I'm talking to such and such; just dumb things. But I will NEVER get back with her again. She had her chance and blew it...

 

Ultimately, it just comes down to how much you value yourself. NEVER let a woman make you feel like you're inferior and like their feelings mean more than your own. I know it can be EXTREMELY difficult, but if you really want a female to love and respect you, you have to demand respect. You can't tolerate any head games or disrespect. They look carefully for your reactions to these things, and if they feel like they can control you, that's exactly what they will attempt to do. They will have you pining away for their love, all the while they are moving on to someone else. NEVER give them that satisfaction. And there are certain ways to garnering respect. I definitely could have done some things differently in my relationship in that regard. I tried to make her feel the same pain and hurt she made me feel, but that wasn't the right way. I inevitably caused irreparable damage. The best way to get respect is to not allow them to dictate your actions or feelings. When they begin the head games or act the way they do, simply let them know that you're not going to engage in that type of stuff, and if they continue doing whatever it is they do, you're going to end things. You can't ever show them that what they do affects you negatively. You have to hold your poker face and let things roll off your shoulders like you don't have a care in the world. It will drive them wild knowing they can't get to you. Knowing your so strong minded that you're practically impenetrable when it comes to mind games and immaturity... I know it can hurt though and everything I'm saying is far more easier said than done, but these things produce the results you seek--respect.

 

This whole life is such a learning experience, but I can't wait to employ the things I have learned from this past relationship into my next.

[EgoJoe]

If you click my profile link and read the threads, "She cheated and I left." And "Extreme denial of a cheater." A lot of ground is covered. My perspective evolved hardcore and erased much of my regression.

[That Guy99]

If you click my profile link and read the threads, "She cheated and I left." And "Extreme denial of a cheater." A lot of ground is covered. My perspective evolved hardcore and erased much of my regression.

 

Thanks a lot. I'm going to check it out

[kevcon64]

Guy99,

Thanks for the reply and info you really picked up on some things. I agree with you that she was just young. As I was spiraling downward after the loss of my job I put on weight and lost confidence. She was having young Abrocombe and Finch six pack guys, and rich older guys asking her out. She felt she could do better than me. She even told me that.

 

 

I was week and put her on a pedestal. After loosing my job and because I felt she was "the one" I was the typical beta guy. She DID lose respect for me. I think I was more stressed about losing her than not having a job. I agree about how you need to handle young girls and always be confident with them.

 

 

So after her last text she said she wanted 100% NC for a year. I have not contacted her in 4 months and I have not heard from her, even over the holidays. I deleted her from Facebook but a mutual friend has told me she is going out a lot but doesn't see her with any guys. Do you think there is a chance she will come back to me or a chance she will contact me again? I think in order to gain respect from her I cannot contact her again and only communicate with her if she contacts me.

 

 

However, I have also been told to send her something to try and spark an emotion with her because she has 0 interest in me right now. With 0 interest she will never contact me and she will just forget me.

 

 

I have gone on dates with other woman even did the online thing. It only makes me feel worse and want her more... So I have decided to just work on my career and trying to improve my overall self.

 

 

Again thanks for the advice and help. I have been to a shrink 2 times and they didn't help as much as you have!

Kevin

[That Guy99]

Guy99,

Thanks for the reply and info you really picked up on some things. I agree with you that she was just young. As I was spiraling downward after the loss of my job I put on weight and lost confidence. She was having young Abrocombe and Finch six pack guys, and rich older guys asking her out. She felt she could do better than me. She even told me that.

 

 

I was week and put her on a pedestal. After loosing my job and because I felt she was "the one" I was the typical beta guy. She DID lose respect for me. I think I was more stressed about losing her than not having a job. I agree about how you need to handle young girls and always be confident with them.

 

 

So after her last text she said she wanted 100% NC for a year. I have not contacted her in 4 months and I have not heard from her, even over the holidays. I deleted her from Facebook but a mutual friend has told me she is going out a lot but doesn't see her with any guys. Do you think there is a chance she will come back to me or a chance she will contact me again? I think in order to gain respect from her I cannot contact her again and only communicate with her if she contacts me.

 

 

However, I have also been told to send her something to try and spark an emotion with her because she has 0 interest in me right now. With 0 interest she will never contact me and she will just forget me.

 

 

I have gone on dates with other woman even did the online thing. It only makes me feel worse and want her more... So I have decided to just work on my career and trying to improve my overall self.

 

 

Again thanks for the advice and help. I have been to a shrink 2 times and they didn't help as much as you have!

Kevin

 

I appreciate the kind words. I think when speaking with someone who is any any profession where they have to frequently deal with peoples' issues... E.g. therapist, police officer, lawyer...etc. They kind of become desensitized, as if they're almost incapable of having true empathy. Now this is just my personal opinion, and I'm sure that any good shrink would be able to explain things very well from a technical perspective and offer good strategies and advice to improve positive thought, however, I think when you're speaking to someone who has been through very similar situations and has felt the pain you have felt and has desperately searched for answers just as much as you, then they're more capable of reaching you and relating to you on a deeper, more profound level. That's my view anyways.

 

And I can understand how your situation could of had a snow ball effect. You lost your job, you gained weight, she began to lose some interest in the event of these things, which in turn caused you to lose confidence. That's completely normal. Any reasonable person would of had a hit to their confidence in these circumstances. But you can't allow her to see that. With a woman that is committed and understands the trials and tribulations of a serious relationship, you wouldn't of had to deal with that, though. She would accept you at your best, as well as at your worst. The right woman would have uplifted you during harsh times, not add to the problems. But with a woman who isn't emotionally mature, you can't allow them to see you doubt yourself, especially at a time when their interest is beginning to fade; that perpetuates the problem. In saying this, and like I just mentioned, it shouldn't have to be that way though. I'm simply giving advice on how to play their games, but these are games that shouldn't even be played with the right woman.

 

And I think the ship may have sailed in your case. It's absolutely correct that you shouldn't contact a woman or chase them once they decide to go their separate way. Look up the opening scene on youtube from the movie "Swingers". One of the all time greatest movie conversations about relationships. It will definitely resonate within you. The whole movie is great, a matter of fact. I think you pursued her too much during the time when she was the most detached, which may have ultimately pushed her away permanently. But this isn't something you need to feel bad about by any means. Love can be very complex and crazy, but as I mentioned, with the right woman you wouldn't ever be in the position where you felt the need to chase her. You wouldn't ever be in a position where you have to exert dominance and use strategies for maintaining respect. With the wrong woman, I can go on all day about a multitude of situations where you should do this or do that to have the upper-hand, but with the right woman she will love you for you.

 

And I don't mean to sound cliche at all. Trust me, I know the pain you feel. I have searched THOUSANDS of articles and read a plethora of books and done so much in-depth research to understand things. I even took a class at my University on intimate relationships. I know the pain of trying to figure out what went wrong and not being able to find closure. Feeling like you could have done things differently. And I also know that NO MATTER HOW LOGICAL AND SOUND OF ADVICE YOU GET, the questions and doubt subtly creep back into your mind. I know these things because I have experienced it. I can read something or hear advice that explains EXACTLY what I'm going through, but then my mind would still pop up with questions. I have let go tremendously though. For me, my mind finally had enough. I finally reached my limit on the energy I had to exert to it. I still miss my ex every once in a while, but I have been able to move on some.

 

And I wouldn't send anything to your ex because not only am I sure she won't respond or be receptive, I believe if she was interested, she would contact you first. Also, don't give her that satisfaction. Don't let her know she still holds power over you, and that you still desire her. She doesn't deserve that. Also, I know what it's like to try and date women and then your thoughts about your ex are compounded when they don't meet certain expectations. I currently deal with this, I know this all too well. It just takes time. It sucks, but that's really the only way to move on. No woman will ever compare while you're still in love with her. You will always find some reason to reduce their value. But with time, eventually some woman will just pop up. You're right about focusing on work. Try to forget about a relationship if you can. Do things that are good for you. And again, not to be cliche, but doing things like working, or exercising, or doing things with family and friends, or doing ANYTHING that benefits you physically, mentally, or spiritually is the best way to move forward.

 

And with my ex, she still contacts me because I offered her something she doesn't get anywhere else. She actually is intelligent, and nobody around her stimulates her mind like I can. Nobody is able to entice her mentally like I can. The mind is a far more powerful thing than people realize, my friend. You mentioned guys with money and better bodies and all that, but when you have a mind unlike anyone elses that's capable of making her feel things that nobody else is capable of making her feel, then she will be hooked. Not only that, but the way you carry yourself and the confidence you exude makes a woman go wild for you also. You have so much power behind your words and thoughts. But only the right woman will value this. My first ex I knew she wouldn't have a hard time moving on, and neither did I, because our relationship was founded more on a physical level. But I KNEW my last ex would have a hard time moving on, because I know her mind has a thirst for something that others rarely offer. I can get inside of her mind and understand her like others can't. I can say things and make her feel certain ways with my mind that she strongly desires. However she has other issues that I have mentioned that ruined this.

 

I can say more, but I have to go for now. I'm more than happy to respond to anything else you have on your mind

[EgoJoe]

Nobody can make anybody feel anything other than sensation.

 

 

I think it's important to cast off any props or projections we have in order to facilitate true growth.

 

 

Whether they have other issues or not. The fact will always remain that they did not want to be in an openly honest and monogamous relationship or that they had poor personal boundaries/lack of respect for our boundaries.

Edited January 28, 2015 by EgoJoe