Does my boyfriend even care about my feelings?

[orangetree]

Hi,

 

The relationship of me(27) and my bf (30) is most of the time peaceful and uncomplicated, but then we have those days where I feel like he doesn't care about me at all. Let me explain.

Btw we've been together for 2.5 years and live together.

 

Today he was asking me how old a friend of mine is. I told him 31, he said wow, she looks much younger. He then asked the age of a few other friends. Then he just said "And you look like 30 I think". I looked at him and asked if he's kidding (since I'm three years younger than 30 and I don't have wrinkles yet, usually people who don't know me guess that I'm a bit younger or at least my own age). He said he's not kidding. It hurt me a lot but I just dropped the topic since I didn't want to start a fight. But I was really sad about it and confused that he would say that to me, do I guess I was pretty quiet and acted a bit sad while we continued our lunch. I tried though to not show it too much, so of course I didn't give him the silent treatment and I even kept offering him food from my plate.

 

Then he said suddenly that I seem to be in a bad mood and that we shouldn't talk at all because I seem like I don't wanna talk (he seemed pissed). I told him no, I want to talk, but I can't change that I'm quite disappointed about the age thing you said to me. He got angrier and said 'Apparently I cannot even say the truth', I said 'Well and I cannot control the way your words make me feel'.

 

Then we paid and started walking home, he seemed pissed and didn't talk, I was sad and didn't talk. Then suddenly he said 'If you want just walk on the other side of the street, apparently you don't wanna be here', in a very angry voice. I was like 'What, of course not..' and he interrupted me directly, said 'yea sure' and kept talking. When we got home I couldn't help myself but start crying. I have never raised my voice towards him, today neither, but I felt like he doesn't care at all how I feel about things he says to me. When I cry he evrn gets angrier and ignores me completly.

 

So we got home and I cried, he just went straight to the bed room and lay down and fell asleep. He seriously slept while I was crying. I really dunno how to handle him. I mean, did I do anything wrong?

 

We had a couple of situations like this, it makes.me feel like he doesn't care about my feelings and just likes me when I'm all smiles and happiness. If you want I can explain similar situations later.

 

Would greatly appreciate your opinion and advice. Thx

[ddlovexx]

Being a sensitive girl myself, I have to be honest... you overreacted. So he said you look 30 instead of 27... so what? He didn't say you were ugly or anything... 30 isn't old nor do I think that is an unattractive age at all. I know 40 year olds who look 30 and 20 year olds that look 30. It's kinda just what it is.

 

I don't believe your boyfriend was trying to hurt your feelings. I don't know why you guys kept bickering afterwards, him telling you to walk on the other side of the street is childish. I would've laughed.

 

I get your feelings are hurt but take a step back here... he didn't say anything mean. I'm 24 and if someone told me I looked 28 I'd be like "oh. cool. never got that one before."

 

Brush it off girlie. There are plenty of worse things that can be said! Have a glass of wine and forget the convo happened.

[preraph]

I think you need to speak up to him more. If you've been trying not to rock the boat when he's being insensitive, then he thinks you're tough-skinned and that nothing bothers you. You need to call him on it anytime he says something you consider insulting. Him going to bed with you crying sounds to me like he doesn't mind making you miserable, and that's not good.

[Satu]

He sounds like an idiot.

 

Take him back to the toyshop.

[orangetree]

Being a sensitive girl myself, I have to be honest... you overreacted. So he said you look 30 instead of 27... so what? He didn't say you were ugly or anything... 30 isn't old nor do I think that is an unattractive age at all. I know 40 year olds who look 30 and 20 year olds that look 30. It's kinda just what it is.

 

I don't believe your boyfriend was trying to hurt your feelings. I don't know why you guys kept bickering afterwards, him telling you to walk on the other side of the street is childish. I would've laughed.

 

I get your feelings are hurt but take a step back here... he didn't say anything mean. I'm 24 and if someone told me I looked 28 I'd be like "oh. cool. never got that one before."

 

Brush it off girlie. There are plenty of worse things that can be said! Have a glass of wine and forget the convo happened.

 

 

But it's not just about him thinking I look older. After he said that I dropped the topic andtried to act normal. The point is that he got ANGRY about me being a bit sad about it, and getting even mkre angry when I started to cry because he doesn't seem to care that I was hurt.

[orangetree]

I think you need to speak up to him more. If you've been trying not to rock the boat when he's being insensitive, then he thinks you're tough-skinned and that nothing bothers you. You need to call him on it anytime he says something you consider insulting. Him going to bed with you crying sounds to me like he doesn't mind making you miserable, and that's not good.

 

I think he rather thinks I'm thin skinned because I always tell him when I think he acted mean or so. He usually gets angry about it.

 

A few weeks ago we were on a trip with our car and stopped at a breakfast place. I asked him in a really nice voice if he can unlock the trunk because I wanna take my bag out because my wallet and other things where in there and I was worried that someone might break the trunk and steal it (we weren't in the best neighborhood). He got angry and said that this is ridiculous, I didn't want to start a fight so I said ok, I'm gonna leave it here. He then opened the trunk and said no, take it. When I took it he got angry again and said 'what, the whole bag and not just the wallet? Seriously? Are you goibg to do that every time we stop?'

 

I don't get his anger. I didn't ask him to carry the bag, I just wanted him to open the trunk. I said that to him, he kept being angry and we didn't talk for like an hour, then he pretended like nothing happened. Not even a 'Sorry'.

[thecrucible]

Him going to bed with you crying sounds to me like he doesn't mind making you miserable, and that's not good.

 

 

I agree with this. I had an ex boyfriend who upset me once and left me crying in a corner for hours...he just said something like "Well I'm f**ing fed up with this. I'm going to bed". Then he punched a hole in the wall.

 

 

He was really selfish. He never did apologise and his behaviour only got worse.

 

 

I look back and I realise that as a vulnerable 18 year old, I was too sensitive. However I now realise that the extent of his lack of caring of leaving me like that even if I did overreact speaks volumes. I have male friends whose girlfriends have overreacted and they respond by trying to sooth her as much as they can. Or if they react and upset her, they try and apologise and/or discuss it afterwards.

 

 

I hope he comes back and tries to smooth things over with you.

[elaine567]

He set you up, he deliberately made you upset by the age thing.

Everyone knows that saying someone looks older than they really are is upsetting, and he compounded it by complementing your friend and saying how young she looks.

He knew exactly what he was doing there, do not try to excuse his behaviour. He pulled your string and you went into meltdown.

He then went on to further upset you, and then didn't care when you were crying. He punished you for some reason and then refused to pick up the pieces.

Lack of empathy is actually a red flag.

 

I guess your relationship is coming to the end of the road here, he may be interested in your friend, dare I say it.

OR he is one of those abusive types, that 2.5 years in, decide they are not happy with you, and will try to make your life hell in order to control you.

 

OR he may be having a hard time elsewhere and instead of talking about it, he is internalising and then taking his fear/anger/frustration out on you.

Is there anything else happening in your relationship, his family, his friends, his job, his career etc. that could be causing him upset.

[orangetree]

He set you up, he deliberately made you upset by the age thing.

Everyone knows that saying someone looks older than they really are is upsetting, and he compounded it by complementing your friend and saying how young she looks.

He knew exactly what he was doing there, do not try to excuse his behaviour. He pulled your string and you went into meltdown.

He then went on to further upset you, and then didn't care when you were crying. He punished you for some reason and then refused to pick up the pieces.

Lack of empathy is actually a red flag.

 

I guess your relationship is coming to the end of the road here, he may be interested in your friend, dare I say it.

OR he is one of those abusive types, that 2.5 years in, decide they are not happy with you, and will try to make your life hell in order to control you.

 

OR he may be having a hard time elsewhere and instead of talking about it, he is internalising and then taking his fear/anger/frustration out on you.

Is there anything else happening in your relationship, his family, his friends, his job, his career etc. that could be causing him upset.

 

What I know is that he's def not interested in my friend. She's older than we are, is married with kids and he barely knows her. I also doubt she's his type. Plus, he has said about some friends of mine that they look younger, others older. Doesn't make it better ofc.

 

And I also don't think he wants to end it. He has more or less always been like this, throughout the whole relationship. And he recently started bringing up topics like children and future.

 

I don't get it.

[thecrucible]

He set you up, he deliberately made you upset by the age thing. Everyone knows that saying someone looks older than they really are is upsetting, and he compounded it by complementing your friend and saying how young she looks. He knew exactly what he was doing there, do not try to excuse his behaviour. He pulled your string and you went into meltdown. He then went on to further upset you, and then didn't care when you were crying. He punished you for some reason and then refused to pick up the pieces. Lack of empathy is actually a red flag.

 

Totally agree with this too. I think men know what they're doing with this. Men know how sensitive women tend to be about their looks.

 

 

Like my ex said to me "your boobs are okay. I wouldn't pick them from a shelf full of boobs". This seems just like a random comment but it really upset me, not least because I have never liked my boobs. But I had never asked him to critique my breasts so it came out of the blue...no effort to make me feel better afterwards so it showed his lack of respect for me. I wish I had a cut and run then.

 

 

Looking back I think he got some sick pleasure out of messing with me.

 

 

Anyway there is definitely some warning signs coming from your guy. I would like to see if he at some point comes back and tries to make up for it. I also want to understand more about what the relationship in general is like.

[orangetree]

I do agree that he is kind of abusive. But he doesn't seem to see that at all.

 

Plus he can ve the sweetest boyfriend, brother, son, friend. He always takes care of his family, is the best, nicest, generous and funniest son and friend you can imagine, and to me he is also sweet and nice most of the time.

[kendahke]

I do agree that he is kind of abusive. But he doesn't seem to see that at all.

 

Abusers never do.

 

Plus he can ve the sweetest boyfriend, brother, son, friend. He always takes care of his family, is the best, nicest, generous and funniest son and friend you can imagine, and to me he is also sweet and nice most of the time.

 

There seems to be a pattern of behavior with him taking an innocuous statement or request by you and allowing his anger to go from zero to a gazillion in 2. 5 seconds. He appears to have some anger issues and you are an easy target for him to pick on.

 

In the grand scheme of things, being told one looks 3 years older than they do shouldn't make one feel like crap, but your feelings were hurt (honey, if someone told me I looked 30, I'd be jumping for joy and taking them out for a drink) and as far as he's concerned, that should matter enough for him to have flipped into damage control mode, not damage wreaking mode. "Babe, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings" should have come out of his mouth.

 

This sweetest, nicest, most generous and funny guy also appears to swing into vicious, impatient and mean with little to no sane provocation which leaves you crying by yourself while he peacefully slumbers.

 

Is that a fair exchange to put up with in order to have a relationship with this guy?

[orangetree]

Update- We didn't talk all day yday, then he asked if I want to go to eat something. I said yes, thinking maybe he wants to talk. Well, when we arrivwd at the place he said "So?" calmly, looking at me with a very serious face. I calmly asked back "So what?" which apparently wasn't the answer he expected, because he got a bit pissed again and just said "ah ok, then just forget it". I didn't answer because I didn't want to start another fight. Instead, we smalltalked a little bit during dinner and when we got home he went to another room to play guitar while I was in the bedroom. This morning we still didn't talk. A quick "good morning" and we each went our way.

[Erised]

Those interactions are not okay, and if he's not willing to confront that they are not okay and work with you on more productive communication between the two of you (even if you overreacted about the age thing- and I'm not sure just getting upset is because he complimented others first and what's the reason? It wouldn't have upset me really but I can totally see where it would be upsetting.- the getting angry at you for being upset is too far) - then you need to move on.

 

Don't small talk and side step. Tell him directly you need to work on your communication to make this relationship work. Tell him what you need and be willing to listen to him (don't let him railroad you into thinking ever getting upset is wrong. That's your emotions. He can't judge them like that... but you can discuss behavior if he feels you're passive aggressive or whatever.) about what you need.

Plan of action.

 

If he can't do that, he's not concerned enough about you and the relationship.

[elaine567]

Update- We didn't talk all day yday, then he asked if I want to go to eat something. I said yes, thinking maybe he wants to talk. Well, when we arrivwd at the place he said "So?" calmly, looking at me with a very serious face. I calmly asked back "So what?" which apparently wasn't the answer he expected, because he got a bit pissed again and just said "ah ok, then just forget it". I didn't answer because I didn't want to start another fight. Instead, we smalltalked a little bit during dinner and when we got home he went to another room to play guitar while I was in the bedroom. This morning we still didn't talk. A quick "good morning" and we each went our way.

 

I guess he wanted YOU to apologise.

If this kind of thing has happened throughout your relationship and he is as you say "kind of abusive" to you. I suggest you get out before it gets worse, things like this do not get better. Lack of empathy to the spouse/partner is a serious red flag.

Do not go all gooey eyed over his talk of a future and kids, I know some men do this deliberately to keep women on a string, compliant and under control.

YOU are already walking on egg shells, it is not a good place to be, believe me.

Many abusive men are seen as being wonderful people to everyone else, it is part of their box of tricks

Get out now, before you have kids and other baggage to worry about.

[BC1980]

At the very least, he's completely inappropriate with what he said. I mean, it's just common sense not to be so thoughtless. I think the bigger issue is that he didn't care that he hurt you. He could have said he was sorry to hurt you and didn't realize you would take it that way. That's all he needed to say to show some genuine remorse. Instead, he choose to turn it back on you and ignore you when you cried (understandably I might add due to his crass behavior after the fact).

 

Thd issue isn't what he said, though that was certainly uncalled for. The issue is the complete lack of care and respect for your feelings, whether he thinks you blew it out of proportion or not. A situation like this seems small, but it's a red flag to me. It's a window into how the other person views your feelings and how much they respect you. Has he done this before? I'd have a talk with him about it, expressing that you felt hurt and he didn't seem to care. Stuff like this builds up over time, but it can be worked out if both parties are willing.

[Treasa]

OMG. I read this thread and I KNEW that there was more to this, so I went back and looked at your previous threads. This was TOO familiar, and I knew I was right about this idiot.

 

He's broken up with you FOUR TIMES, lacks empathy, sometimes comes across as being super amazing, which throws you off balance when he's an *******, etc. Let me just reference a few of my old threads for you:

 

Boyfriend was screaming at me this morning

 

Hurting really badly - need support - In this one I mention how my ex broke up with me at least four times. Sound familiar?

 

The moron you're dating KNOWS he's hurting you. He knows it, he tries to provoke a negative reaction, and then he turns that reaction against you. It's called gaslighting.

 

I would bet every single dollar I have that he's going to break up with you again, and again...until you finally get sick of his ****. Please don't stay with this idiot for six years like I did with mine.

 

I didn't deserve that abuse, and neither do you. And that's EXACTLY what he's doing - verbally abusing you.

[Zapbasket]

I just went through a relationship like this. Please do yourself a favor and get out. You might be sensitive, but for the right guy that is a positive attribute. Besides, he was deliberately trying to hurt you with his comment; he knows exactly what he is doing and he will not stop this behavior. You very rightly picked up on his mal-intent and he turned it around on you because he will never own up to his manipulation.

 

Look at my profile and read my thread entitled, "Handling Teasing." Like you, I saw the problem and I kept making excuses for him rather than just leaving. Good partners don't leave you feeling this way. My heart hurts for you because I know well how you feel, and how such relationships ultimately end. He will NEVER examine his behavior. The problem will escalate and he will dump you without a care. I can promise you this; the pattern doesn't change just because the people are different.

 

You deserve much, much better than this piece of crap. And he really is exactly that. Who gives a f*ck about the "good points" of someone who would treat his girlfriend, his supposed #1, this way?

[Zapbasket]

Here's the thread I was talking about: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/233040-handling-teasing

 

You will recognize your situation immediately; you don't even need to read through the thread. But if you do, you'll see people advising me to get out, just as people here are advising you to do. I didn't listen in part because I couldn't understand why someone would behave this way. It's f*cked up, that's why. I ended up spending 3.5 years with the guy and while we did have some good times and there was a really sweet side to him that I loved, he just couldn't cut the mustard and the relationship ended as miserably as it began. I so wish I'd left in those earliest months. The years that followed, and the heartache that followed that, just were not worth it.

[preraph]

Orangetree, I'm afraid you've got a selfish or narcissistic jerk there that you will be happier without. You man should make you feel better, not worse. Should support you, should want to be kind to you. This one likes to belittle you. You can do better.