seiko600 Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 I'm 28/M, and after three years of being single (but still fooling around with a few random girls here and there), I decided to try to enter the dating scene again. Meeting girls was becoming difficult because my social circle is tight between me and my four closest male friends, I have a full time corporate job and am also going back to school, so I decided to give internet dating a shot. After using one of the major sites, I met a girl (28/F, lets call her N) and we hit it off instantly. We met at a coffee shop as a "get to know you" date, and what should have been an hour easily stretched into four, and I ended the date as I had to bail. Two weeks later, we started "exclusively" dating and have been seeing each other for about two months now. I found myself drawn to "N" as she struck me as independent, fierce, driven, loving, intelligent, hard working - she has her stuff together and has pretty much all the things that the girls I dated previously didn't bring to the table. N works a full time job and has a side business she started. She has a large group of friends and goes out with them often. Her life is the most emotionally stable of her friends as of now, and assumes the role of "caretaker" for her friend group. One of her friends is going through a divorce and recently started living with her. To make things more stressful, the divorcee friend is sharing N's bedroom/bed until N's roommate moves out, and then the divorcee is going to assume her lease. Her friend is going through some major stuff with her soon to be ex, and N is providing emotional support during this time. As you can imagine, N's life appears to be quite stressful and time bound. While things between N and I appear to be going great, I have some complaints and I'm not sure if they are normal/healthy or not. When N and I started seeing each other initially, we would see each other 2-3 nights a week, where N would invite me over for impromptu dates and I would schedule other outings. That has dwindled down to one night a week and maybe a lunch date here and there since school started and N's friend began staying with her. I understand that the two of us have very stressful lives and N's living situation isn't necessarily the best for hosting a date night, so things are going to be a little rocky for a while. Instead, I've tried to communicate more with N over text message, but she's incredibly flaky and will either wait hours to respond to a message or flat out not respond at all. I know she checks her phone often for messages from her friends, so I'm assuming that her lack of response is completely voluntary. I'm not trying to be clingy, so I haven't directly mentioned her lack of texting or scheduling. Instead, I either wait for her to reply or I initiate conversation if there's been more than 12 hours of dead air. I saw her Friday night and made a passive/aggressive comment (didn't mean to have it come out as it did) about her being busy all the time, to which she replied "It won't always be like this". She's burnt out with everything in her life right now, so I'm inclined to believe her. I know it's only been a couple months, but the other women I've dated have all been younger and have wanted to move faster and communicate more often than N and I do, and I'm not sure if this is normal or not. When N and I are together, she's a great person to be with, we get along well, we have a great sex life, and we're up front and honest with our thoughts. I feel like we both care about each other and want to continue seeing each other, but the distance wears on my patience and confidence. I want to see this "exclusive" dating relationship blossom into something more, but I'm not sure if my concerns are legitimate or if I'm just being needy. Advice?
dragonfire13 Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 Sometimes, life just gets on top of people. It does sound like she has a lot going on. Of course, there is the possibility that she is losing interest, though it doesn't seem so. But if she has, she will soon let you know by flaking out on plans. For now, I would take a step back for a while and let her come to you, especially if she's ignoring your text messages (although some people really do hate texting, Im like that sometimes, especially if I know I'm going to talk to that person later). 2
Pinkdisney Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 My thought about these things is that dating should not be this hard, especially at the few month mark in. Relationships have to move forward, not slow down, to blossom and I also feel timing is everything. May be the right girl but wrong time. I agree to cool off, let her come to you. If she can't have the time for you unfortunately it's unfair to be exclusive at this point.
Author seiko600 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Posted January 26, 2015 Thanks for the replies. I sent her a text on Saturday afternoon in response to a message she sent and haven't heard back from her since, so I'm just going to wait it out and see what happens.
lovexocoach Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 Sounds like this is a normal progression as you get to know each other. Things will slow down a bit and get into a rhythm as you both go about your lives. She's busy. She has stresses in her life. She's burnt out. And you want more time with her which is normal. Those are conflicting things right now. Don't expect quick replies to your texts. Make some of your texts supportive and let her know you're thinking of her - she'll appreciate that. Be careful not to overwhelm her with texts. What you're doing so far sounds fine. I'd suggest to continue being patient and understanding as you have been. If you push or let your frustrations get the better of you, she will start feeling pressure and be overwhelmed. Be careful you don't come across as needy or smother her. Otherwise, you could very well ruin something that sounds very promising. Hang in there!
SawtoothMars Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 We met at a coffee shop as a "get to know you" date, and what should have been an hour easily stretched into four, and I ended the date as I had to bail. Two weeks later, we started "exclusively" dating and have been seeing each other for about two months now. Advice? Question. Why put quotation marks around exclusive? Do you have her clear verbal commitment to exclusivity? Generally speaking, I would not worry about this too much right now. Here is the thing... if you allow her to continue this type of behavior long term it will make you feel insecure and clingy. You may want to just give yourself an emotional buffer space for the moment. I don't think you want to get too attached to this lady too fast.
Author seiko600 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Posted January 26, 2015 Question. Why put quotation marks around exclusive? Do you have her clear verbal commitment to exclusivity? Generally speaking, I would not worry about this too much right now. Here is the thing... if you allow her to continue this type of behavior long term it will make you feel insecure and clingy. You may want to just give yourself an emotional buffer space for the moment. I don't think you want to get too attached to this lady too fast. The quotes were to emphasize that we were exclusive and not bf/gf. Don't know what difference it makes (to me, none) but it was something we defined without the bf/gf label. Seems weird but I'm rolling with it.
smackie9 Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 "I've tried to communicate more with N over text message, but she's incredibly flaky and will either wait hours to respond to a message or flat out not respond at all. " Please stop wasting your time on people like this. They will lie and tell you whatever to pasify you. This has NOTHING to do with age, this is just the type of person she is....not very interested, or just wants a little attention and nothing more. You have expectations, and they are not being met. This should be a red flag to you. It means you deserve what you deserve and that is much better than this. Time to move on and meet someone who DOES fulfill your needs, as much as you are willing to fulfill theirs.
True Gent Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 I personally couldn't be doing with the hassle. In these early stages if things are going well she should be dying to seeing you and eager to keep communication flowing IMO. If she hasn't got the time to put enough effort in, then she isn't that interested. 1
Author seiko600 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Posted January 26, 2015 Well, she finally replied this morning with a good morning text, much earlier than she usually does. This indicates to me that the lack of communication allowed her to pursue me, but now I'm wondering if I even want to play these games. She's a cool girl, but I don't want to have to monitor my every text to make sure she's interested. I want a girl who wants to have me in her life, not one that uses me to fill a gap in her time. I haven't replied to her text yet, I figure I'll wait until I get out of class tonight and send her a message then. So, do I keep pursuing this one in hopes that this is a temporary hiccup, or do I get ready to bail?
losangelena Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 What do you want to do? There's no right or wrong answer here. If you're unhappy with the amount of attention she's giving you or the effort she's putting forth, there's no reason for you to stay, or at the very least, stay silent. Don't be passive aggressive about this—bring it up if it bothers you. I find nothing more unfair than when someone tanks a potential relationship over issues they're unwilling to directly address. To me, it doesn't sound like she's game-playing, it sounds like she has a lot going on and is unwilling/unable to make you more of a priority at this moment. As she said, it probably won't always be like this.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I'm a very busy woman and I find it hard to spend time with my friends let a lone with my family or a potential boyfriend. If she's been single for a long time, use to being independent, doing stuff for others, the responsibility of a potential boyfriend may scare her a bit or overwhelm her. You have to work out what you want and why you want the things you want. Then question is why are you still hanging out with someone who doesn't quite match what it is you're looking for. You might have in your mental list somewhere; Number one: I am looking for a woman who has time for me and a relationship for example. There is nothing wrong with wanting to chase an already busy woman, you just might want to re-question your motives as to why you are chasing a woman who already has a full and busy schedule. If it's too much of a hassle for you, then don't do it.
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