Was marrying too young a factor with infidelity for you?

January 25, 2015

I've noticed in many cases that couples got married or have been together since late teens and early twenties.We all change so much over the years and I wonder if marrying young without enough maturity was a factor with infidelity in your situation.

It's almost as though there comes a need to step outside the marriage through regret or something with the fact they their spouse has been either their first or second sexual partner.Do unfaithful spouses who married young feel they missed out on things like partying, dating more etc?

It's not an excuse, but I just think so many people get married way too young without knowing what their getting into and realising the commitment required to make a marriage work.

I wouldn't want my children to get married quite so early There is so much living to be done before taking on the responsibility and commitment required for a successful marriage.

Thanks

January 25, 2015

I've noticed in many cases that couples got married or have been together since late teens and early twenties.We all change so much over the years and I wonder if marrying young without enough maturity was a factor with infidelity in your situation.

It's almost as though there comes a need to step outside the marriage through regret or something with the fact they their spouse has been either their first or second sexual partner.Do unfaithful spouses who married young feel they missed out on things like partying, dating more etc?

It's not an excuse, but I just think so many people get married way too young without knowing what their getting into and realising the commitment required to make a marriage work.

I wouldn't want my children to get married quite so early There is so much living to be done before taking on the responsibility and commitment required for a successful marriage.

Thanks

No, I refused to marry before 30. The infidelity in our marriage was due to my stbxh having personal issues he had never shared nor addressed in his life. He now says he was a selfish, immature coward for cheating. I agree with him 100%.

January 25, 2015

I wholeheartedly believe it does. I think two factors come into play 1) maturity and 2) experience. Someone who gets married older has a better concept of what marriage entails. Not to mention, they grown more as a human being. They got their selfish desires out of the way. Sexual and life experience are huge factors. I wasn't surprised to here that virgins cheat as much as they do. You are constantly wondering what else is out there. More important, with some of the threads i have seen on this site, they felt that they had to do it. I recall one thread in which a woman had a PA for two months because she didn't have enough experience before getting married. She eventually caught her husband in affair as well (karma). Life experience is important as well because you don't want lingering regrets. I think it goes without saying that when you get married and have kids, you have to give up a lot. One of the reasons my wife and I decided to wait to have kids is because I wanted to finish my education and we like to travel.

January 25, 2015

I don't believe age is the factor ..infertility I believe is a character flaw ..you have to lie to 2 different people and constantly and continously maintain the lie ...plus you need to justify the lying in your head to make what you are doing feel right and beneficial to you ...you discard reasoning and focus on what you made feel RIGHT in your head ...your B's may not be a bad person at all but you exaggerate things in your head to make what you are doing feel right ...that's a character flaw.

For eg: my wh finds it very easy to lie ..He will look you right in the eye and lie ..me I cannot keep a straight face and can get very overwhelmed if I am required to lie ...He has a character flaw ..I don't .

January 25, 2015

Let's put it this way. If you marry young, you have a longer chance to experience infidelity.

If the you marry late, you'll be older. There is no need to try to equate experience with infidelity because the real issue is not knowing how to address your need to step out.

My WS was about 35 when we married,, she cheated when she was 50. I suppose had we met and married at 20 I'd be dealing with infidelity at 35.

Not going to blame that on youth or inexperience.

January 25, 2015

I'm treading very carefully on this one because I don't want it to sound like an excuse. However, I do think age and situation had something to do with it in my case. My H was 23 when I met him and freshly divorced. I was 21 and had dropped out of a university after 3 years of going. I had no clue to what I wanted in life. My H cheated on me after being together for a year, before marriage. I cheated on him about ten years or so later.

Neither one of us were mature enough to get into a serious relationship when we met. We both caused a lot of damage to the relationship within the first four years. It caused a lot of built up resentment to develop. Plus I went through a lot of changes and trying to figure myself out which also hurt the relationship. I'm not saying that my age or his age was the reason infidelity has rocked our relationship, but I do think our immaturity levels caused a lot of damage that almost destroyed us. My idea of what marriage was in my head and the reality of it were two different things. I would never advise a person under 25 to get into a serious relationship.

January 25, 2015

I don't think it's a matter of getting "wild" out of your system...

I think when people marry too young, they do not take the time to develop themselves and figure out who they are.

I mean, back in the day, women didn't have options. It was pretty much get married and have kids so, they didn't have no self-development.

Now a days, women have options. So, if they hunker down and marry before they finish college and/or haven't embarked on their own - they may wake up one day and realize they never got out there and found out who they really are and want to do.

While men aren't in the same boat as women - cuz men even back in the day could also be forced by society to buck up and get married ASAP, now that women make their own money and will have sex w/o being married - guys have no incentive to marry. A guy can put off marriage until he's done traveled, had his fun, got his career and education out of the way, and found out who he is/what he ideally wants in a mate.

IMO, also, when people marry when they aren't financially ready for it - that just adds more stress to the work it already takes to be married.

January 25, 2015

I think the idea that people go through great changes between 18-30, and, if they marry young, they may become very different people is valid. I even think it is valid to say that those changes can cause conflict in the marriage. But since infidelity is basically a character problem, unless you are saying all people who marry young have faulty character, then I do not think age enters into it. It is a choice, and I don't think people who marry young are less capable of choice than people who don't. After all, they did choose to get married.

January 25, 2015

I think the idea that people go through great changes between 18-30, and, if they marry young, they may become very different people is valid. I even think it is valid to say that those changes can cause conflict in the marriage. But since infidelity is basically a character problem, unless you are saying all people who marry young have faulty character, then I do not think age enters into it. It is a choice, and I don't think people who marry young are less capable of choice than people who don't. After all, they did choose to get married.

I think it varies on the young person. Some people are more mature than others. Some people, like myself, think they are more mature than the really are at a young age. Except with the cases of serial cheating, I personally think infidelity is a direct result of conflict avoidance, poor communication and coping skills. At young ages a lot of people are still learning how to develop these skills. Throwing a serious relationship into the mix when you're not ready can cause a disaster.

January 25, 2015

Marrying too young is a huge factor in breakups later on because your brains aren't even fully formed to be able to understand consequences of your actions and realize full intelligence until mid-twenties. Plus hormones raging add a dimension of often uncontrolled chaos. Now, marrying young and enjoying a childfree lifestyle for as long as it's good for you both could be a wonderful thing, but usually people who marry young also have kids young and find themselves in a quagmire they couldn't even fathom and won't be equipped to handle. Their self-development comes to a screeching half (or at least the woman's) and is by necessity set aside because all energy is needed now to raise a child. She stops her young adult development while he may continue with his to some degree. Even without the kid factor, young twenties are simply the time of greatest change and expansion and exploration -- or should be.

I watch a show on TLC called "What Not to Wear," and about half their makeovers are women who had kids too young and never went through their phase of learning how to be a young adult woman. They actually have arrested development and in their late 20s, early 30s, are still trying to dress just like they did at whatever age they got pregnant. And of course, they look ridiculous and like losers. They missed all that period of development when people grow into their own sense of self (and style) because they went straight from their mom buying their clothes and telling them what to devoting all effort to taking care of someone else and never got to develop their own individuality. They wake up at 40 when and if their kids leave home -- lost and unsure of who they are.

I don't think you can reasonably expect a young marriage to last because the individuals haven't yet developed into their true adult self yet and may go in divergent directions. But as long as you keep kids out of the equation by faithfully practicing birth control (and not "natural" method), marrying young could be fun for as long as it lasts and then easy to move on from if you find you're growing apart. Plan to wait until at least about 28 to have kids to see if your marriage will last that long. Because a single mother with a toddler at 25 is going to have a much harder time of it and have a very limited man pool, and men as well.

January 25, 2015

I didn't get married young but the overwhelming majority of my generation in my demographic did and I noted the most marked period of meeting MW's was from age 20 to age 28 or so. After that, MW's seeking my attentions as a single man dropped off drastically to practically nil. I don't know if that was a reflection of my personal attractiveness or just a general trend. I can state that it was during that period (late 20's) when the first round of divorces began occurring and my ability to date single women started to improve, with those single women actually being divorced, generally mothers. TBH, I've only met a smattering of MW's since, most occurring while I was married in my 40's and they also being similar age.

Looking back, the 20's were a huge period of change and I can certainly see how change can impel choices like infidelity. Some folks make the choice, others don't consider it as valid for them.

January 25, 2015

It was definitely a factor in our marital issues, not sure it directly led to infidelity.

January 25, 2015

I've noticed in many cases that couples got married or have been together since late teens and early twenties.We all change so much over the years and I wonder if marrying young without enough maturity was a factor with infidelity in your situation.

It's almost as though there comes a need to step outside the marriage through regret or something with the fact they their spouse has been either their first or second sexual partner.Do unfaithful spouses who married young feel they missed out on things like partying, dating more etc?

It's not an excuse, but I just think so many people get married way too young without knowing what their getting into and realising the commitment required to make a marriage work.

I wouldn't want my children to get married quite so early There is so much living to be done before taking on the responsibility and commitment required for a successful marriage.

Thanks

I was the OW and for the guy I was with I think that definitely played a role.

He wasn't married but he had been dating the same woman since high school and they got pregnant right after high school. I think while he loved her , as teenage relationships often go, perhaps if they had not had a child together they'd have probably eventually gone their separate ways. But I think since they had a child that made it make sense for them to continue to be together and she was his first and up until then only serious relationship. I think it was a case where the situation fell into place and he continued along with it. In that, they had a child, and nothing was wrong with the relationship, so they stayed together and raised their child.

They broke up (after our A was long over) and in talking to him about relationships and what happened between us he had explained that he loved her, she was his first real love and nothing was wrong with her or the relationship except that he realized that they were better as friends and lasted so long because of the comfort and their child but perhaps had they not had the child they'd have gone to college separately and would have eventually dated other people. He said when he met me was when he realized that he'd grown as a person, wanted other things, but even during the A he had said he loved her and he loved me too. I think for him he eventually realized that while he loved her, they weren't the same high school sweethearts, but because she was his HS sweetheart and mother of his child he will always have a special place for her but had to expand his horizons beyond being with her forever. It was also telling that they never married. I asked him about it, as I figured maybe he just wasn't into marriage, but surprisingly he said he does want marriage but he'd never really thought of getting married to her even though they were together and it was probably subconsciously because he didn't want to make that permanent commitment.

Edited January 25, 2015 by MissBee

January 25, 2015

For us personally, yes. It was not a matter of not having enough sexual partners or anything like that. It was the emotional component. I believe I didn't have enough time to work out issues I now realize had a huge impact on my marriage and led to me cheating.

January 25, 2015

I've noticed in many cases that couples got married or have been together since late teens and early twenties.We all change so much over the years and I wonder if marrying young without enough maturity was a factor with infidelity in your situation.

It's almost as though there comes a need to step outside the marriage through regret or something with the fact they their spouse has been either their first or second sexual partner.Do unfaithful spouses who married young feel they missed out on things like partying, dating more etc?

It's not an excuse, but I just think so many people get married way too young without knowing what their getting into and realising the commitment required to make a marriage work.

I wouldn't want my children to get married quite so early There is so much living to be done before taking on the responsibility and commitment required for a successful marriage.

Thanks

Yes, yes and YES!

My H and I married when I was 18 years, he was 21.

He was the one that had the A(s). Us (him) being immature and still wanting to carry out the "single life" played a HUGE factor in his infidelity. He was partying at the time and well... Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll play hand in hand. He, nor I was ready for marriage however we had a child so it seemed to be "the right thing to do".

HUGE lesson and influence in teaching my own children (5, teens and young adults) that marriage young doesn't officially make anyone "grow up and be responsible". Having a baby outside of marriage also doesn't mean a done deal at being destined to be together, forever. Of course for 18 years at least co-parenting but just because you were able to procreate together doesn't mean you are meant for each other.

I believe marriage is hard work, obviously but it certainly doesn't have to be painstakingly, devastingly hard.

January 26, 2015

It was definitely a factor in our marital issues, not sure it directly led to infidelity.

This. I think it can contribute to marital problems. But unless the implication is that people who married young weren't old enough to know adultery was wrong, I don't see how marrying young has anything to do with choosing to cheat...unless we are implying that marital problems justify cheating.

January 26, 2015

Combination of factors. serously low self esteem and foo issues resulted in me hitching my wagon to someone who wasn't very nice from a very young age. In hindsight I should have walked away when he told me at 23 he was dumping me because I was too big (I was a size 6).... Instead I begged him back.

Instead I plodded along, married before 30 a bunch of kids and really only found myself in my mid thirties. Wish I had waited. But I wouldn't have my kids. Double edged sword

Now I'm cheating. Like I said... Combination of factors..

January 26, 2015

My guy said it was. They married young and stayed married until he hit fifty. I think for him loneliness played a part as well. Our lives are very different now and for that I am grateful.

January 26, 2015

Maybe. It did with me when I had my EA 20 years ago. I am not so sure it did with H. We didn't marry until I was 27 and H was 30 but we had been together on and off since I was 17. We didnt have children early though - my first baby was born just before my 32nd birthday.

With my EA I remember thinking how amazing it was that this other person found me so fascinating and attractive and was prepared to risk his relationship with me (it didn't occur to me until much later that I was doing the same thing ). He made me feel like I was walking on air. He did or said nothing that H hadn't done a million times but because it was 'new' it meant more. When you know someone so well it can be hard to actually hear them when they say the same things over and over again. And from all that H has told me about his a and the OW's behaviour, he was immensely flattered and felt similarly to me but I think he more ripe for it because of our situation with the children Neither of us stopped loving each other or ever really meant to leave the marriage.

For H I really beleive that it was the children that started the damage - or rather H's self-centredness regarding them. He had had me to himself for all these years and I started paying attention to these little children. He had been a perfect dad to our first two kids but DS2 was unexpected and a real shock to both of us and he reckons that was when he started feeling unhappy - he had calculated a certain number of years before the kids stopped demanding so much of our time and attention - and then suddenly it was extended by another 10 years or so. Of course the fact that DS2 in on the autistic spectrum just makes things harder (and more delightful - DS2 is a gem!) . H sort of made DS2 into my child in his head and was a semi-detached father to him for a long time. Forcing me to spend even more time and love on him. Vicious circle.

Of course I dont think I was the most loving wife to him but I had had enough at that point. I had already told him once in an argument that I should have left him years ago - I'm not proud of that but I was at the end of my tether and for the few years prior to his A he was not a nice man to be around at home.

H has been forced to grow up a great deal since Dday - he has had to look at his behaviour throughout the marriage and realise that I have been given no choice about being the grown-up in our relationship time and time again. I just girded my metaphorical loins, took a deep breath and got on with taking charge because he refused to. He began to see again and again where he hadn't stepped up to the plate. Were we mature when we got together? No. Did we change and mature over the years? I did. H not so much perhaps - but since dday he has. He held up a mirror to himself and didn't much like what it showed him. I have seen a whole other side of him. He has rebuilt the relationships with his older children that had been hurt by his behaviour before and during the A, and built a solid loving relationship with DS2 for perhaps the first time.

Right now it's good. H's growing up has been bloody painful but worth it. Maturing and changing never stops - if it does you might as well give up and die. The rest of it we are gonig to do together.

January 27, 2015

I was 22, new college graduate, and thought I knew it all, new career job, where my OM co-workers got my ear. After listening to them, they made my First Ex look so bad in my eyes, made me believe that I was entitled and that if I did get caught he would beg me to come home. Got caught and he walked and never looked back.

January 27, 2015

IMO it has nothing to do with age, it's character and maturity that come into play here.

I married my first husband when he was 25 ( I was 24 ) we were both university graduates who had lived away from home for some time and had built careers. (I actually earned more money than he did)

I believed he was emotionally mature, but I was wrong.

He cheated when he was 32, with a girl at work 10 years younger than him who had no educational qualifications and was as thick as a brick.

I believe he cheated because he had poor boundaries, poor coping skills and couldn't deal with my success. Hence he picked a woman who wasn't going to intellectually challenge him.

January 27, 2015

I think the real issue is the social pressure surrounding monogamy and marriage. Marriage isn't the problem for the simple reason that adultery occurs outside of marriage and for pretty much the same reasons.

Monogamy is something that people cannot easily understand beyond a merely conceptual level.

It's one thing to say you are monogamous, it's another to have internalised monogamous desires And to really enjoy that acceptance..

January 27, 2015

Let's put it this way. If you marry young, you have a longer chance to experience infidelity.

If the you marry late, you'll be older. There is no need to try to equate experience with infidelity because the real issue is not knowing how to address your need to step out.

My WS was about 35 when we married,, she cheated when she was 50. I suppose had we met and married at 20 I'd be dealing with infidelity at 35.

Not going to blame that on youth or inexperience.

I think there is a lot of truth to this.

Asking someone to be completely monogamous for the rest of their lives is asking a lot. Asking someone who marries at 35 and asking them to be monogamous for the next 40+ years is asking a lot.

Asking someone who marries at 20 to monogamous for life, which will include an additional 15 years of their sexual prime is asking a Hurculean task.

While this statement is controversial at best, The sex and relationship columnist Dan Savage asserts that people who have been married for 40 years and only stepped out a time or two are actually good at monogamy and are not the failures.

January 27, 2015

I think there is a lot of truth to this.

Asking someone to be completely monogamous for the rest of their lives is asking a lot. Asking someone who marries at 35 and asking them to be monogamous for the next 40+ years is asking a lot.

Asking someone who marries at 20 to monogamous for life, which will include an additional 15 years of their sexual prime is asking a Hurculean task.

While this statement is controversial at best, The sex and relationship columnist Dan Savage asserts that people who have been married for 40 years and only stepped out a time or two are actually good at monogamy and are not the failures.

Wow, that's definitely a different way of looking at it. I guess they would still make an A if they were graded on a percentage scale.

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Was marrying too young a factor with infidelity for you?

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