sunshinesarah Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 So, I am fairly old, but this is happening to me now for the very first time. I've been through many break ups and a divorce, but I have never had a relationship going well, then a big disagreement and . . . poof! We work together and have many mutual friends. We are both 40, and this odd break up feels so immature! Who does this? Gets upset during an argument and then quietly gives your stuff back, rearranges their workday habits, and ignores any and all attempts at establishing a regular close to the whole thing? At first I thought we were both angry. Then I realized it was over. Now I am wondering, "What is this? Is this hate? Why are we not speaking?" Yes, people have a right to do what they want, I get that. But I am so furious! I can't believe I am being forced to figure out how to handle both my hurt feelings AND my physical self! At this age! Like I am in high school! Everything feels awkward and worrisome and wrong, no matter what I do or where I go! I am embarrassed and humiliated by our lack of maturity, and it's not even my fault! I am afraid to see him at work because when I do, he is so mean! I won't even tell our/my friends because it just doesn't feel right to drag them into the middle. But eventually they will notice. Is there anything we can do when someone treats us this way? Anything at all? I did know that he didn't do well in relationships, so the fact it didn't work out does not surprise me. But I had NO idea the end would be so weird and compromise my sanity in so many ways. I just want to go to work and say, "Hi. How are you?" And have him answer. Like normal people. If I text (and I have, probably too many times), any response (even one word) would be more sane. He has not uttered a single word back. Why not? Why do people give the eternal silent treatment to someone they loved about a second ago?
zen2475 Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Age is no guarantee of maturity. Sometimes what where little "quirks" in youth grown into full blown pathologies later in life. This guy's behavior is no reflection on you. You are left holding an emotional bag you have no idea what to do with because this guy sounds very toxic and immature, if not narcissistic. People who give others the silent treatment are not healthy adults who can deal with problems face on and with respect for themselves or the other individual. If he refuses to act like an adult, so be it. You can't change that. I would suggest No Contact and not even try to fix anything with him. Sure, a relationship takes two, but he has shut things down without so much as a conversation, and has removed you from the process. As such, you need to do the same and proceed with your life. No...this isn't game playing; it's not allowing toxic behavior into your life. Only you can allow this to affect your sanity. You make the choice in how to react to his behavior. Yes, it hurts, but you don't have to play into it. Walk away with dignity. He has shown you who he is, and you need to pay a whole lot of attention to that. 2
idoltree Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 You've gotten some good advice from zen2475. I've just got a few things to add: Some older/more mature people are single precisely because they treat all their relationships in this dysfunctional way. The proportion of these people in the available singles increases with age, because the people capable of handling the normal emotions and conflicts that happen in relationships have settled down with someone. So it's a matter of carefully weeding these types out. I second Zen's advice about narcissism. Giving someone the silent treatment and effectively withholding love is a favorite punishment tactic of the narcissist. It frequently triggers the abandonment complex of the other partner, and makes them go slightly crazy trying to figure out what is going wrong. The narcissist feeds off of this, because they take a silent glee in the chaos that they have created in the partner's world. This guy is no good. You're not going to change him - this is who he is. You will always be treated this way because he can't handle an actual adult relationship. Let go of who you thought he was; evidence points to something else entirely. Don't try to be friendly with him, because even that is feeding his ego. By doing that, you are handing over all of your power to him. I would put up iron-clad boundaries, and say "hello" if you pass by him in the hallway, but don't give him anything more than that. Treat him like a difficult co-worker: someone you have to be polite with, but are smart enough to not engage with. And expect that after awhile of you upholding your boundaries and not feeding his ego, he'll start sniffing you out again. See it as it is - a desire for him to obtain that narcissist ego supply that you had previously been willing to give him. Don't fall for it; it's a classic behavior pattern in narcs. 1
beach Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 So, I am fairly old, but this is happening to me now for the very first time. I've been through many break ups and a divorce, but I have never had a relationship going well, then a big disagreement and . . . poof! We work together and have many mutual friends. We are both 40, and this odd break up feels so immature! Who does this? Gets upset during an argument and then quietly gives your stuff back, rearranges their workday habits, and ignores any and all attempts at establishing a regular close to the whole thing? At first I thought we were both angry. Then I realized it was over. Now I am wondering, "What is this? Is this hate? Why are we not speaking?" Yes, people have a right to do what they want, I get that. But I am so furious! I can't believe I am being forced to figure out how to handle both my hurt feelings AND my physical self! At this age! Like I am in high school! Everything feels awkward and worrisome and wrong, no matter what I do or where I go! I am embarrassed and humiliated by our lack of maturity, and it's not even my fault! I am afraid to see him at work because when I do, he is so mean! I won't even tell our/my friends because it just doesn't feel right to drag them into the middle. But eventually they will notice. Is there anything we can do when someone treats us this way? Anything at all? I did know that he didn't do well in relationships, so the fact it didn't work out does not surprise me. But I had NO idea the end would be so weird and compromise my sanity in so many ways. I just want to go to work and say, "Hi. How are you?" And have him answer. Like normal people. If I text (and I have, probably too many times), any response (even one word) would be more sane. He has not uttered a single word back. Why not? Why do people give the eternal silent treatment to someone they loved about a second ago? Who does it? A person who is conflict avoidant! A person with poor communication skills. A person with no ability to solve or work through disagreements. A person who is stunted emotionally. 3
Author sunshinesarah Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 Yes, you are all correct. And my mature, wise, rational side knows it. But this "not gonna speak to you or look at you ever again" thing makes me want to have a temper tantrum. Like a three year-old. I know my worth, my self-esteem is good. So why has this bothered me so much? Would it bother anyone this much, or am I handling it worse than most? Idk. I will say that I feel so powerless, and that is not a feeling I am used to. I am all about empowerment, so maybe that's why I am so angry. I am also angry that people can and will drop you from the top of the ride. Why not back out slowly? I know it would still hurt, but why not allow some shallow interactions so that I could process some anger of my own before I was let go? Instead I was kicked off my very high pedestal, where I thought I was truly valued and appreciated. Guess not. 2
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