jphoenix Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Hi, This is my first thread so this is so odd... This is going to be so long, because I'm very confused and feel knowing the whole situation would help you guys to advise me.... Basically, my situation: In summer of last year, I slept with one of my best friends and then we started speaking... after a few months we made it official. Between Summer and when we got together (about 4 months) we got on amazingly and everything was fine, but due to past insecurities and betrayals, I was keen to 'put a label' onto our relationship. He said that there were obstacles that he needed to sort out first, and when those were sorted he asked me out properly. We were so happy for the first month, and then things started to become tense and we argued basically every day. We weren't happy. Nevertheless, I did absolutely everything for him: scan his documents, print his work, stay up late waiting for him to go to sleep so we could say goodnight together, doing everything with him, not meeting up with my guy friends, bought him lovely things, stuck by him when he was going through difficult times. We were only together for 2 months, but I liked him when he was still with his ex (he was with her for a year and a half) and I waited so long for him. Throughout our relationship, he still wanted to speak to his ex and be friends with her, and I was never against that because obviously being with her for so long, he would still care and that was fine. He also had a female best friend. I don't like her, I don't like her morals or how she lives her life and he always put pictures of her everywhere and spoke to her in corners at parties and said that he wasn't going to change how he was just because I didn't think it was correct. We argued about her a lot. Also, despite all the care and effort I showed him, none of it was reciprocated. We went from wanting to spend every day together (and actually spending every day together - we go to the same school, take the same classes, stayed at each other's houses every weekend) to hardly seeing each other for the last month of our relationship. When he broke up with me, he said it was because he wasn't happy; he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and I was acting immaturely. He was my best friend and I love him very much, part of me still thinks we have a chance one day in the future if we restore our friendship first. But right now, I just want my best friend back. He wants to be friends with me and obviously I want that too, but I'm still grieving the relationship. We argued a lot after the break up, even though it was fine for the first couple of days and we got on like our old selves. In the end, we agreed not to argue anymore and just be friends. He said that I hurt him by the things I was saying in the argument (I called him a pr*** and told him he never cared about me and used me)... to show me he cared, he sent me a picture of our initials on the Love Lock Bridge in Paris, which he was going to show me on Valentine's but obviously that can't happen anymore. I reacted coldly to this initially saying it meant nothing now he had dumped me. I admitted that I had reacted horribly and said harsh words in the heat of the moment, but I was reacting to what he put me through. Since the break up, he's posted pictures of his female best friend who I dislike, and I think he's back in contact with his ex because she re- followed him on Instagram. I don't know if he'd ever go there again, I wouldn't rule it out, but just wondering what they speak about and knowing they're on good terms is really painful. He is an amazing person, and I admire him very much. Although our relationship didn't work, I do want us to be friends because I'm grateful to have someone like him in my life. However, when I know he is back in contact with his ex (I think she's still in love with him) I feel very upset at wondering why they get on so well still even though she didn't make as much effort as I did, and she was horrible after the break up. I dwell on these things a lot because I have been hurt before and so I get jealous because my feelings weren't taken care of. Bearing in mind we are in the same classes, where we sit next to each other, and we have the same friends, can I really be friends with him? Or will I just keep getting annoyed and hurt at his actions? I want to ask what the situation is with his ex but at the moment I feel like it's not his place... He means well, but it hurts... Thank you in advance! (Especially after reading my essay lol)
OK_computer Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 I was never able to be friends with any of my 5 exes, and if they did want to be friends (the amazing ones always did), it never lasted. My exes are all out off my life where they should be.
wicksee Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Hi j I can see a lot of what you're going through in my own situation, being dumped, wanting to be friends, lashing out and calling names. I can only tell you that staying in contact will only hurt you again, as you WILL feel rejected time and again. I've no doubt he may still care about you but it seems he does not want the relationship to continue. There's very little you can do about that and all the advice says that NC is the best way to win someone back. The arguments no doubt caused both of you to be unhappy. He's not willing to back off from his best friend for your sake. If he can't do that, then what can you expect of him in the future? From what you've said, this all seems quite one-sided in terms of effort. Carrying on like that is sure to lead you down a road of disappointment and probably, hurt. You clearly want him back or at least to be friends. I want that from my ex too. They were after all our BEST friends at one point. Unfortunately after a break up, everything changes in one or both of your minds. He may still think of you as his friend but may not want to give you false hope or encouragement, knowing that you will get hurt again. You will need to be civil to him as you see him often (which doesn't help matters). Do that, but steer clear as much as you can. Hopefully you've got the name-calling out of your system (I did this too).
sober and dry Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Personally I never could be friends with any ex until this day, no matter how the BU ou the RS was, good or bad. There is always some connection between us that doesn't work in a friendship.
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