Day 2 of NC after many attempts...(Updated)

[texxxxas]

I have been reading many threads on here and wanted to share my story as I am starting NC for what feels like the millionth time and I know it's going to be a struggle...

 

I met someone at a birthday of a mutual friend in June 2013, our friends had been friends for 10+ years and I had heard of him however had never met him before. We started seeing each other straight away and got really close really quickly and were seeing each other all of the time and talking on a daily basis. At about the 6 week mark, he initiated a discussion where he said he wasn't ready for a relationship as he'd recently come out of the worst relationship he'd ever been in and wasn't in the right frame of mind to be in another relationship just yet. He said he still wanted to continue seeing each other but it was my decision as to whether we remained intimate as he didn't want to hurt me.

 

I didn't talk to him for a few weeks after this as I had already developed pretty strong feelings for him and none like i'd ever experienced for anyone else before. We eventually started seeing each other again and it all went back to the way it was prior to that discussion. We were seeing each other, going on dates, staying over, he helped with my new apartment, surprised me on my first night there, asked me away for weekends etc. Talked about our families meeting and everything else.

 

In December of 2013, he had gone away and I text him saying i missed him and to hurry up and come home and he cooled off a lot. I didn't hear from him until Christmas Day where he said he'd see me in the new year. Mid-Jan he apologised for giving me the 'cold shoulder' however he felt I was getting really strong feelings for him and he wasn't in the right frame of mind for a relationship. I stupidly said what are you talking about, i've never said anything about a relationship, you're the one putting so much pressure on it all etc.

 

He got angry and didn't talk to me until March where I received a text saying 'Hi, what are you doing?'. I cared so much about him so I let him back in, we saw each other constantly until he had to go away for work for about a 6 weeks where we still talked pretty much daily.

 

When he came back from his work trip, I saw him two more times and that was it. Once in May and once in June where I cooked him dinner and he stayed the night.

 

I kept trying to see him however he wasn't giving me much, and contact became sparce. Eventually, I text and he said he'd been seeing someone for about a month but lets catch up another night. I text back all of my feelings for him, all the feelings i'd never had the guts to express to him because I didn't want to push him away because I was naive enough to trust when he said he wasn't ready. He said he was speechless and had no idea I felt the way I did. I know that sounds ridiculous but I am such a boy when it comes to feelings and I don't express them well at all. Even when he came back from his work trip, he asked if I missed him and I blurted out 'As if!' where all I really wanted to say was that I missed him with all my heart. I think him putting that limitation on what he wanted scared me away from saying anything where everyone in my life was screaming at me to just tell him.

 

A couple of months passed and I had tried to contact him to get him to talk but he wouldn't have a bar of it. So I started to move on in a way.

 

Then in late November 2014, a big bunch of friends were getting together as it was the anniversary of when my brother passed away. He turned up and I froze, didn't know what to do or why he would be there.

 

I managed to pull him aside to talk and we talked for what felt like forever. I asked him what he was doing there and he said that he knew how much the day meant to me and that he wanted to be there to support me (the year before he had taken me out on the anniversary and bought me chocolates and told me jokes to cheer me up). He said he was so happy to see me and how it felt when he saw me the first time that day and I asked him why he cut me out of his life etc and he asked why I was so shy with him and why didn't I tell him how I felt and I was absolutely crying, he said we'd be together if he had have known and I said I felt like I ruined my life and how it was all my fault and he said that it was his fault too and that he thinks a lot about it. I said I could pin point a million times where I should have told him and it was killing me.

 

He said he was still seeing that girl however he didn't love her and was not in a relationship with her but he was going to give it a go. He kept asking what I cared about and I told him how much I cared about him and wanted him in my life. It was like he couldn't understand that I cared as much as I did. I told him I cared about him for exactly who he was. I told him that I hadn't been with anyone else since I met him and he got such a shock, he tried to match it and say he wouldn't pick up either but of course I know he did.

 

He said he'd been really depressed as he'd lost his job when their company lost their contract so he hadn't worked and the only thing keeping him going was his family. He said I deserved someone who could look after me and give me everything I wanted and how he had nothing in life and nothing to his name so how could he look after me if he can't look after himself. I told him I cared about him for him as a person and how all of those things will come to him. He looked like such a mess. He also talked about how he thinks about marriage and how he's not sure if he should get married because there's no good relationships in his life so how is he going to break the cycle etc. I told him that he's the most traditional person I know and that if he wants it he will make it happen.

 

Basically it was a big emotional chat about everything. I was crying the whole time and he was getting really upset and was about to cry himself. When he walked away, I asked him if he walked away from the table was that it for us forever and he said no.

 

I messaged him the next day to offer my support for the tough time he was going through and to let him know that I meant what I'd said the day before. I also messaged him on Christmas and included a line about how I missed him. He didn't respond to either of those messages however he messaged me for new years saying 'Happy new year, luv ya!!!'.

 

I have seen a photo of him and the girl he's seeing on Facebook that was posted two weeks ago and it just killed me, also doesn't make any sense from looking at her/her posts/her friends comparing with the type of person he is. It just kills me to see so I obviously will not be doing any more stalking...!!!

 

As a bit of a knee jerk reaction to seeing the picture I messaged him this week to ask to chat/catch-up about to see how he was going with his job search and to chat about the last conversation we had and how he's feeling however he didn't respond. I feel really stupid actively showing that I am willing to wait for him.

 

I feel so helpless, i'm doubting everything, like I know realistically we weren't in a relationship however it very much felt like there was something there. I definitely feel like I could have manned up so to speak and told him how I felt and acted more affectionate etc to show him how much I cared because I really was hopeless at it and he very much thought I was in it for superficial reasons. It's so funny too like i'd been thinking how I should have been more affectionate and didn't tell him that but when I saw him he said about being more affectionate like it's like we'd been thinking the same things and just didn't talk to each other. We severely lacked communication. I honestly have not felt like this about anyone in my life before and he's the first person I've ever met that can see a future with and I don't know what to do. I guess there's nothing I can do to win him over.

 

I feel like I can't escape him either, my friends are going to a wedding where he will be at in a couple of months and things like that, I just feel like it's so hard having so many mutual close friends in common.

 

I have been such a mess, I cry at night and then when I finally do sleep I wake up with chest pains, cry at work and I am sure my friends are sick of me. I feel like it's the most excruciating thing. I have deleted his contact information and don't have him on Facebook and deleted all of our messages. I am on day 2 of NC and seriously, I don't know how I am going to do it but know I HAVE to do it for my dignity as much as anything else... I secretly hope he will one day return and that we will have learnt our lesson regarding open communication instead of thinking too much and making stuff up about each other but I know my chances of him returning are pretty slim... so here goes NC!

 

Sorry for the big vent, but I really needed to do it!

Edited January 16, 2015 by texxxxas

[bigtrouble]

Truly it is sad, and so difficult to go NC, the first few days is really tough, but hang in there, it slowly gets better.

[texxxxas]

Thanks bigtrouble, it means a lot.

 

I am just looking forward to getting past this early stage, I feel like I have been repeating it over and over, trying to make contact to plead my case and make sense of/fix things but just making it worse... Don't think I've made it past 2 weeks in the entire time since this has happened.

[bigtrouble]

Thanks bigtrouble, it means a lot.

 

I am just looking forward to getting past this early stage, I feel like I have been repeating it over and over, trying to make contact to plead my case and make sense of/fix things but just making it worse... Don't think I've made it past 2 weeks in the entire time since this has happened.

 

I too had trouble with NC, because I would usually break it to contact her, finally I just did one last text message and wished her the best, and went to NC I'm on my 8th day, its tough, I still get that missing her, panic attacks, still could not sleep, but I feel better than I did when I was frantically reaching out and was just being ignored.

 

Hang in there we find strength here, let those who got pass the trials serve as inspiration, let their words be wisdom. And one day will come out on top of this.

[texxxxas]

I too had trouble with NC, because I would usually break it to contact her, finally I just did one last text message and wished her the best, and went to NC I'm on my 8th day, its tough, I still get that missing her, panic attacks, still could not sleep, but I feel better than I did when I was frantically reaching out and was just being ignored.

 

Hang in there we find strength here, let those who got pass the trials serve as inspiration, let their words be wisdom. And one day will come out on top of this.

I am glad to hear you're starting to feel better than you were on your first couple of days and from reading people's stories on here I know that if we push through, it will get easier as time goes by. The pain will start to fade.

 

I had started to feel better prior to seeing him where he came to support me on my brother's anniversary and the big conversation we had because he hadn't given me anything in terms of how he felt about everything so I knew I just had to move on and there was nothing I could do.

 

Even though I am still in the position of not being able to do anything and having to move on, ever since having that conversation where we both acknowledged that if we had have been open with each other we'd be in a relationship has just been eating at me. Even him just coming in the first place confused me. I guess I am just struggling to accept the fact due to not being as open as we should have we're not even going to have a chance to give it a go. Having truly never felt this way about anyone I am scared I am going to be stuck on these regrets for a long time.

 

Anyway, I only started to reply to you to give you my support and tell you to keep going not to start on myself again... its been a rough day.

 

We definitely can get through this, come out on top and I am sure, be stronger for it. Just wish time would pass a little more quickly.

[texxxxas]

I am on day 10 of NC and I feel horrible. I feel like there's no one I can talk to right now because I am sure my friends are so sick of me, they've heard it all before.

 

I've just had a day spent with thoughts swinging from regrets to nostalgic feelings/memories to thoughts that he never even cared at all.

 

I know I have to push through this so I can heal, not to mention the fact that there's no other option (i received silent treatment from the get go).

 

I feel like such a whinger and could almost laugh at myself because this so unlike me to sit in these emotions but this whole thing has knocked me about.

 

I just wish more than anything that I could fast forward time...

[Light Breeze]

It's very difficult in the early days, but as time goes by you just get sick of counting the days you've been in NC. Happened to me at least.

 

I have very little support system yet I'm surviving it so I know you can do too.

 

Distract yourself and push through. You can do this!

 

Stay strong sister.

[towardthefuture]

I feel you. I put my brother through so much whiny relationship talk. Maybe for two weeks? Now I don't bring it up so much. That's what's good about LS, it's a much better outlet. Therapy is good for that too -- pay someone to listen to your baggage.

 

It'll get easier. It's pretty much a physiological withdrawal, like kicking heroin. Just stay NC and the waves of emotions will get farther and farther apart, and duller.

[StrongLass]

Hang in there! I know it SUUUUUUUUCKKKKZZZZZZZ for a while but eventually you'll look back, be moved on & realize you've lost count! Hang in there! It really does get better if you let it!

[sunshinesarah]

I was just posting the same thing in another thread. I went through a very bad breakup 3 years ago, and I felt like a superhero after surviving that. But this new guy was a friend first, and I never saw the silent treatment coming. I never envisioned this kind of breakup with someone who was a friend first.

 

It is the worst kind of insult + injury. I am not the superhero I thought I was. I am doing well on days of NC, but I have had several days during the last six weeks where I have sent long, chatty texts. It definitely hurts (and angers) when he does not say one word back. Who does this? Gives people the silent treatment like they are trash? I am 40, and this is the first time I have seen it in my life. I am shocked at how upsetting it is to break up this way. Nobody has ever treated me so badly.

 

Try to find some outlets. Write here, write back to others on their threads, keep a journal, get some self help books. All of those things together will keep you sane. Most of my days are good, but when my mood is great, I write my ex-friend and reinjure myself. Stupid. Don't be me. We cannot understand the mind of someone who could be so cold, which is why we will forget and then live through their ice out over and over again. I am an extremely warm and outgoing person with lots of friends, so his behavior is very foreign to me.

 

Take care of you.

Be really good to yourself.

Whatever you want like food or new clothes or candles, go for it.

[sunshinesarah]

Also, "silent treatment from the get go"? What happened to cause the break up? And day 10 of NC means you have continued to chase him with messages (like me) but received zero replies, or is that not right?

 

 

So sorry.

It all sucks.

[dyna85]

I feel your pain. Day 33 of NC for me and everything went to hell last night. Felt fine during the day yesterday and then at night, all of the negative thoughts and feelings crept in and then I had really crappy dream about him and woke up and now I'm feeling crappy still. Ughh. Like you, I so just want to fast forward through this torture. Sometimes it truly aches. Like my body physically aches at times when I think of how coldly I was cut off in the end.

 

You definitely learn who your true friends are in all this. I swear. It's kind of opened my eyes to that aspect of my life--who is truly there for me, and who is not--and good riddance to the uncaring ones. I would just recommend using this forum and writing out your thoughts and trying to keep yourself busy in small steps. I know it's hard. Deathly hard on day 10. There's no easy way though, and just like the title of your thread--just gotta push through.

 

I would say, exercise. Move around and do stuff. The key I think is getting off our butt, as unmotivated as we may feel. Setting goals. Realize that the likelihood that there is someone more suited for you is high. Someone who will treat you right and not leave you high and dry. No one deserves that.

[Hija77]

NC!!! NC!!! This guy sounds so manipulative. Push you away, pull you back. Try not to waste too much time analyzing things. It will only do you further harm. If I were you, I would accept that what comes out of his mouth is garbage. Look at what's he doing/done instead. Good luck!!!

[texxxxas]

Also, "silent treatment from the get go"? What happened to cause the break up? And day 10 of NC means you have continued to chase him with messages (like me) but received zero replies, or is that not right?

 

 

So sorry.

It all sucks.

 

It's all a bit confusing, he either got sick of me or thought I didn't care about him. Can't quite figure it out but I am sure it's the latter... he has this idea of me in his head because of fact I have a career, he hasn't met ant girls who cared about their career before and thinks I am some strong independent woman that doesn't need him which is not true at all.

 

Yep, you're completely right, I did the chase and I am absolutely cringing thinking of it.

 

Initially I tried to contact him to talk because basically when it all happened, I spewed out all of these feelings I had for him and then he just said he was 'speechless' and that was it. So I tried to contact him a few times after that to talk about things but had no success.

 

I am so bad with expressing my feelings that I honestly don't doubt the fact that he thought I was in it for something superficial when in actual fact I have never felt like this about anyone before. I know we're both at fault in this however I am not going to shy away from the mistakes I made in my inability to express myself to him.

 

I ended up seeing him about 2 months ago as my friends/my brothers friends were getting together as it was the anniversary of when my brother passed away and turned up to support me which was obviously the biggest mixed signal ever. He told me how he was there to support me because he knew how much the day meant to me as he had spent the day with me the year before.

 

He told me how it felt for him when he first saw me that day and had the biggest smile on his face. He also told me that the messages I had sent him meant a lot to him and he read them a lot (what an a$$**** thing to say) and that we'd be together right now if he had have known how I felt about him. He asked why had I been so shy with him and how I am such a beautiful person etc. Having said that he was seeing someone.

 

He also said he was depressed because he had lost his job when the company he was working for lost a big contract so he had been out of work and the only thing keeping him going was his parents. He wasn't in a good way at all. He was then talking about marriage and how he's scared he's going to mess it up and a whole bunch of other things. When he walked away from the table, I asked him whether if he walked away was that it for us forever and he said no. I cried throughout the whole conversation.

 

It was the first time we'd truly been open with each other and it was just what we should have been doing from the start and had been severely lacking.

 

I then contacted him a couple of more times and didn't get a response. He text me on New Years which I am sure was a drunk text. I messaged him once more but then decided enough was enough.

 

I was shameless in my chase and it would have just pushed him even further away. Yuck. I never gave him the space he needed or the space I needed either. The thought of him being with someone else too kills me...

 

It's all just a complete mess.

[texxxxas]

NC!!! NC!!! This guy sounds so manipulative. Push you away, pull you back. Try not to waste too much time analyzing things. It will only do you further harm. If I were you, I would accept that what comes out of his mouth is garbage. Look at what's he doing/done instead. Good luck!!!

 

I have come to the realisation that everything he said is garbage. There has been no action on his words and he's still with someone else so how could any of that have been true....?!

 

You're completely right, he's very manipulative. He's going to get a shock when he realises I've stopped running in circles around him and have dropped off the face of the earth.

 

Sticking with the NC!!!!!!!!

[texxxxas]

Also, thanks everyone for your support and encouragement - it means so much and definitely helps during the hardest times...