lumarielle Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 First post! I've noticed a pattern in the relationship I'm currently in. My boyfriend always makes vague plans and commitments. Often, we'll say we'll see each other the next day, and I won't hear at all from him, then receive a text half a day later saying something along the lines of, "Sorry, I was at the grocery store, gym, etc-fill-in-the-blank. Wanna come over now?" Last Valentine's Day, he went MIA and was unreachable for almost the entire day, and it turns out that he had his phone on do-not-disturb mode due to a project at work. I'm sure he's never lying when he's preoccupied, but he never tells me, like, "Oh, I'm planning on running some errands in the morning, but let's do something in the afternoon" or anything like that. I've talked to him about how it's frustrating to be left hanging all the time, but things have not really gotten any better... When I invite him to do that he isn't super-interested in (i.e., company dinners, movies, etc.), he'll always respond with, "Maybe." Or "Possibly." He's so noncommittal! He'll usually find a way to see me but end up backing out of my invitation. Sometimes I don't even feel like a girlfriend. We almost always eat with his friends (even though he has his arm around me and I'm clearly "his") or just end up going for walks, staying in with Netflix, etc. Don't get me wrong, he is not the best boyfriend I've ever had, but no one has made me laugh more, and I really do enjoy the heck out of any time we spend together. Otherwise, he texts me constantly throughout the day, but he doesn't do anything unless it's convenient FOR HIM. I don't know...Sometimes I get the feeling like I'm not actually a girlfriend. For reference, I'm 25, and he's 28. Can anyone help me figure out this situation? Does he not actually care about me? Is he just selfish and immature? Should I be worried? Is he only interested in sex, a good time, and companionship but not a full-fledged relationship? Why?
Yookie Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 First post! I've noticed a pattern in the relationship I'm currently in....Sometimes I get the feeling like I'm not actually a girlfriend. That's because you're not his girlfriend. You are the girl he spends time with when he doesn't have something better to do. This behavior is not likely to change so your only option is to find a guy who makes you a priority or be satisfied with the crumbs and leftovers you get from this guy. 7
Author lumarielle Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) That's because you're not his girlfriend. You are the girl he spends time with when he doesn't have something better to do. This behavior is not likely to change so your only option is to find a guy who makes you a priority or be satisfied with the crumbs and leftovers you get from this guy. Thanks for being straightforward. We did have a "relationship" talk, and we are in a relationship. He says I'm his girlfriend and he isn't seeing anyone else. I've debated whether or not we have differently definitions of the word "relationship" or if he's taking me for a fool. I don't have any sisters, female family members, or close friends with enough dating experience to go to for a levelheaded point of view/advice, so if anyone else has input it would help! Edited January 25, 2015 by lumarielle
newlyborn Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 your boyfriend has lots of activities (and even mundane errands), and he makes sure to get them done. his relationship with you is just one part of his life. and he treats it as such. so, for example, when he has a serious project at work, he turns off his phone and focuses on it. and he knows that you will be there waiting when he's done. you, on the other hand, have prioritized the relationship far more than the other parts of your life. the best way to balance things and have your boyfriend respect your time is to make him less of a priority. stop brooding and complaining about him. get busy and happy.
Gloria25 Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Thanks for being straightforward. We did have a "relationship" talk, and we are in a relationship. He says I'm his girlfriend when he isn't seeing anyone else and, whom he sees when he doesn't have anything else going on. Fixed it for ya. Title of "girlfriend" or not, his actions resemble someone who sees you when they don't have much going on and do not have much invested in you. I mean who goes MIA on V-day? Would it kill him to come over with flowers? Geesh. 3
Leigh 87 Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 He's just not that into you. I have had non committal and non rrelationship oriented men actually stick to plans....
Author lumarielle Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 your boyfriend has lots of activities (and even mundane errands), and he makes sure to get them done. his relationship with you is just one part of his life. and he treats it as such. so, for example, when he has a serious project at work, he turns off his phone and focuses on it. and he knows that you will be there waiting when he's done. you, on the other hand, have prioritized the relationship far more than the other parts of your life. the best way to balance things and have your boyfriend respect your time is to make him less of a priority. stop brooding and complaining about him. get busy and happy. Fixed it for ya. Title of "girlfriend" or not, his actions resemble someone who sees you when they don't have much going on and do not have much invested in you. I mean who goes MIA on V-day? Would it kill him to come over with flowers? Geesh. Exactly! newlyborn, it would be fine it it was any other day to go MIA, but Valentine's Day? I've always thought it was common courtesy to let your significant other know, "Hey, heads up, I'm working on a big project tomorrow, but we'll talk after work." I just want plans that are not always up in the air until the last minute. Is that asking for too much? He's just not that into you. I have had non committal and non rrelationship oriented men actually stick to plans.... Why have we been together for so long? Should I break it off with him? He's always super into me when we're together and over text (I know, I know, texting isn't everything)...And I really like him. Dangit.
Leigh 87 Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) Why have we been together for so long? Should I break it off with him? He's always super into me when we're together and over text (I know, I know, texting isn't everything)...And I really like him. Dangit. Girl, we have all been there! Men are simple; if they are crazy about you, they just MAKE the time to set plans with you and they follow them through! I understand that that you are in love with him and YOU want to believe that, just because you have been dating for a while, that he MUST be crazy about you.. Wrong. I was with a guy for nearly three years; he was attached to me, he was close to me.. but he was not into me in on a romantic level. He just thought I was a really unique and special person in general. He never made dates, never once took me out and shouted me a date..He just wants to hang out with me whenever he felt like it, because having me around to "cuddle" and " make his lunch":sick: was convenient. The sex was good too so yeah. Why not! Just because a guy opts to stay with you for years, that does NOT mean he is that into you. I have also had men that WERE really into me in the beginning stages, who then ..well, became NOT that into me once they got to know me! And yes, texting is NOT a great indicator of a mans interest. Some men enjoy texting a lot to girls they like - it doesn't mean they are crazy about you! I have had guys who were into me.. truly into me.. ask me to "pretty please" just see them, even just for 5 minutes when they have a small break during the week.... Men that truly adored me found any little excuse to see me. Spending time with me was something that rated highly for them. A man should be making strides to plan dates with you and keep them. Men that don't are simply NOT that into you. It is honestly that simple. I am sure you would rather bend the truth and do mental gymnastics in order to keep this guy. Of course, you are comfortable and happy... YOU love him and want him badly... And it will hurt like hell to break it off. So you are going to find any which way to hang onto him and convince yourself that " hey... he really is crazy about me.. it is all ok.. after all, he does text me heaps and tell me how much he likes me, right?!" We cannot help you I am afraid. You really cannot see the forest from the trees. Enjoy. Edited January 25, 2015 by Leigh 87
newlyborn Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 i would never say that what you are asking for is too much. it is actually quite basic. what i will say is that you have two choices here: get your own busy life, so that you will neither be available for him last-minute nor obsessive about him, as you seem to be now. or leave. guys don't respond as much to whining as they do to action.
soyou Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 I'm sorry to break your heart but this guy is definately not into you. As you're reading people's advices here, You may shake your head andwont listen to us because you're in love with this guy and it's difficult to break up with him just-like-this. One day very soon, you will come back to this forum and tell us that your boyfriend has found somebody else and dumped/cheated on you with her. Your dignity and confidence will be crushed and it may take forever to get healed. Every women must be in your shoes one way or the other, what counts in the end is how you walk away from it. Some people choose to chin up, head high, and hust walk away. They dont like to be treated as a part-time entertainer. Some will choose to stay until things get nasty and sour. Choose your path wisely. The choice is yours. Your life lies on your own hands. Nobody can force you!! 5
princessdreamz Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Start pulling back. Don't be so available or receptive. Don't always answer his calls. Try going MIA yourself. See if this makes him notice your absence and if he starts to chase you. Personally, I think he's not that into you and he's too young. Sorry, it sound harsh. But life is too short to waste it with an ungrateful selfish jerk. 2
lovexocoach Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 You've asked very good, insightful questions. You probably already know the answers. Does he not actually care about me? Only he knows. He doesn't demonstrate it very well from what you've said. Is he just selfish and immature? Sounds like it. Should I be worried? Worried about what? It sounds like he is not very thoughtful and doesn't always treat you very well. Are you okay with that? Is he only interested in sex, a good time, and companionship but not a full-fledged relationship? Probably. Doesn't sound like he's too invested in the relationship or in growing the relationship. He seems to be happy with the way things are. Are you really compatible? Is he treating you the way you want to be treated by a boyfriend? Why? Maybe he's selfish and immature or he just likes the single life with you as a part of it for the things he wants. Sounds like he has you at his beck and call. There should be some give and take in a relationship. There will obviously be some things he won't want to do with you. Other things he should do even if he doesn't really want to do them because they are important to you. You have your own life, your own interests, and your own friends. Are those being put on the backburner to be with him? (They shouldn't.) By now you should know that "maybe" and "possibly" mean "no" and make your plans accordingly. If you weren't so available for things like sex and companionship what would happen? Would he sit up and take notice and be more attentive? Would he not care? Would you drift apart and would the relationship fizzle out? Is there romance? Do you love each other? You don't mention those at all. Bottom line is that you're not being treated the way you want to be treated but you are getting something out of the relationship or you wouldn't be in it. 1
writergal Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) OP, never make someone a priority who only treats you like an option. I'm in agreement with everyone here: your boyfriend doesn't treat you like a priority in his life because's he's just not that into you. This relationship talk you two had didn't change anything did it? He had that conversation with you as a way to placate you, to stop you from being angry enough to break up with him. It also sounds like you over-prioritize his needs, in place of your own. Don't do that. You deserve to have your needs met from him as well. It's extremely, EXTREMELY selfish for your boyfriend to be non-committal and vague with you regarding plans. How is it ok that he can put his phone on DND on Valentine's Day, to work on a work project (i.e. possibly another woman) instead of spend the romantic holiday with you? When you are in a relationship with someone, your time is equally valuable to theirs. It needs to be balanced, 50/50. This "relationship" you're in, is not a real relationship, because it's basically you chasing after him to spend time with you. No woman (or man, for that matter) should ever lower themselves to the point where they have to chase after the person they are supposed to be in a relationship with. It's demeaning to have to chase after someone. Let him pursue you. Put him in the position of having to commit to dates ahead of time with you, if he wants to spend time with you. Prioritize yourself from now on. Ask yourself: What do I get from this relationship? Do I feel valued? Does he treat me as a priority? Does he make an effort to plan ahead a date to spend time with me? If the answer to those questions is "no," then ask yourself why you are in a relationship with this guy. What do you get out of being the option in his life, instead of the priority? Why do you allow yourself to be second fiddle? Edited January 25, 2015 by writergal 1
Arieswoman Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 OP, OP, never make someone a priority who only treats you like an option. This ^^^ x 100. If he's not calling you or making future plans with you, then he isn't that interested, sorry. x 1
mammasita Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 You're not a priority. He has things in his life waaaaaaaaaay more important than you. That's not a man I'd want as my boyfriend. 1
applej4 Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 OP, you're not his girlfriend. He might have a gf, but it's not you. Sorry, but you're just something to do when he has nothing better to do. He's a liar and because you so badly want to be in a relationship you put up with it. Leaving you hanging is a huge red flag. Face reality and move on. Find someone who actually cares about you with actions to back up his words. 1
preraph Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 You've enabled him to be like this by letting him be unreliable and then having no consequences for it. Whether talking about a lover or a friend or a relative, the only cure for this is to completely STOP being available until they step up and give you a proper invitation at least a couple of days in advance and then show up on time. If they're supposed to be there at 7 and not there by 7:30, don't answer the door. Tell them you assumed they'd blown you off and went out with friends instead or over to your mom's for pot roast. Whatever. Don't accept last-minute invitations. Don't always text or call right back and don't text or call back at all if you know it's them just looking to come over right now at the last minute. You can control this, but it's all up to you. Don't even talk to him about it. Just get busy making other plans and when he tries to come over at the last minute, text him you already have plans. Do not ever go into any detail what the plans are or be apologetic. Then if he calls later to see what's up, don't act all mad. Just tell him you had no idea he wanted to do something or you assume he'd have let you know that a couple of days ago so you'd make yourself available. 2
kendahke Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 When I invite him to do that he isn't super-interested in (i.e., company dinners, movies, etc.), he'll always respond with, "Maybe." Or "Possibly." He's so noncommittal! He'll usually find a way to see me but end up backing out of my invitation. Sometimes I don't even feel like a girlfriend. We almost always eat with his friends (even though he has his arm around me and I'm clearly "his") or just end up going for walks, staying in with Netflix, etc. Hmmm... he doesn't appear to want to be seen out in public with just you, as one would with one's girlfriend. If it was me, I'd be wanting to know why that is... and I would have a list of times that this has happened, since, as you say, it's a pattern of behavior. The time might be rapidly approaching where you have to either fish or cut bait with him. Meaning: the next time you invite him someplace and he hems and haws, stop what you're doing and just say "yes or no". If he says "no" or if he says "yes" then backs out, be prepared to say "Ok. I'm done. I'm not going to beg you for your company." And leave him where he is. You go on and do your thing. He is acting like someone who is marking time, waiting on someone else to become available; As if he's keeping his options open should something better to do arises, but he'll kick it with you until that something better comes along. I dealt with a guy who was like that in college... things never went anywhere with us and I eventually moved on. He would call me and ask me what I was doing. I'd tell him and when I would ask him what he was doing (silly me, thinking he wanted to go out or something) he'd tell me what he was getting ready to do and it didn't include me. Boy, bye! Well, he contacted me on Facebook this past November, talking about how he had been searching for me for years and wanted to explore us getting back in touch and developing something-how did he put it? "healthy". What happened? He started doing exactly what he did 30 years ago--disappearing, not returning texts, not returning calls, then reappearing and acting like nothing happened. So much for "healthy". I ground that mess to a halt: blocked him from contacting me. I didn't even waste my time calling him and announcing anything. I'm not going through that anymore with anyone, least of all him. Unless you want to be treated like an option, you may want to reconsider the wisdom in investing your time, feelings and energy into someone who doesn't appear to be very invested in you and your life. 2
Author lumarielle Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 So the common consensus is that he's not treating me like a serious girlfriend. Just to clarify some things, we've been out in public many many times so he's not afraid of being seen with me. Even when we eat with his friends, we're usually at a restaurant. We did spend Valentine's Day evening/night together. He got me flowers and chocolate and had a vague plan in mind, which means he didn't make reservations. So we went to three restaurants before we were able to get a table for dinner. Bottom line is maybe he might not be thinking of anything more than a casual relationship... What IS a casual relationship anyways? I'm pretty sure there's no other woman physically in the picture, as we spend every other day with each other. I'm going to take everyone's advice and be distant for a while. If he doesn't up his game, then I'll have no choice but to break things off... Thanks for all the advice!
Els Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Boyfriend leaves me hanging. Is he clueless, selfish, or jerkish? All three, is my guess. How long have you been together? Sounds to me like he's only good for a casual fling - if you want anything deeper you'll have to move on.
lucy_in_disguise Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 (edited) I think many posters are being overly harsh to go so far as to imply you're his side-piece. What I see is a younger guy treating the relationship as a happy, but not essential, part of his busy life. Which for some reason on loveshack, comes with extremely negative connotations, but if you thonk about it, is normal and healthy when one is young and not actually ready to commit to a lifelong relationship due to other aspects of life (ie career etc) needing to be resolved first and therefore taking precedence at that time. I dont think hes not that into you. I think you may not be on the same page about what youre looking for, tho. It does seem like you consider (or at least desire for) the relationship to be more serious than he does. I would evaluate whether thats something you are really ready for tho. In my opinion theres a benefit to taking relationships more lightly and focusing on work/ school/ personal development/ friends while you are young. On the other hand, there is no excuse for his flakiness. I would have a more serious discussion specifically about this behaibior, establishing explicit expectations re: making and keeping plans. This is an area where i feel like expectations can differ widely, so it doesnt hurt to be as direct as possible. unless you are looking to end it, i would keep accusations like "youre just not that into me" out of it... most men dont respond well to those claims so if you want to address his behaivior, stick to that. Edited January 27, 2015 by lucy_in_disguise 2
kendahke Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 (edited) So the common consensus is that he's not treating me like a serious girlfriend. Just to clarify some things, we've been out in public many many times so he's not afraid of being seen with me. Even when we eat with his friends, we're usually at a restaurant. We did spend Valentine's Day evening/night together. He got me flowers and chocolate and had a vague plan in mind, which means he didn't make reservations. So we went to three restaurants before we were able to get a table for dinner. Outside of Valentine's day--you and him, alone, out on a date with no one else in tow. That has happened how many times? Bottom line is maybe he might not be thinking of anything more than a casual relationship... What IS a casual relationship anyways? I'm pretty sure there's no other woman physically in the picture, as we spend every other day with each other. Your relationship is more of a convenience relationship--when it's convenient for him, he'll engage you. If it's not, he won't. If it's more convenient for him to engage you one night out of 365 for a one on one date, or when he's out with a group or if given the choice of following through with set plans with you or doing something more exciting to him, he's going to do what is more convenient to him. There really doesn't have to be another woman involved for him to have low interest in investing with you. Generally speaking, when someone has high interest in you, they don't leave you hanging. They can still kick it with you on a daily basis and have low interest in you, too--as long as doing it is convenient to them. It's a selfishness thing on his part. Edited January 27, 2015 by kendahke 1
curlygirl40 Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 (edited) With all of the questions you've asked on this thread, there's a very obvious question you should be asking yourself. Is this working for me? He is your boyfriend, he does like spending time with you, he's not ashamed to be seen with you, he is thinking about you, etc, etc., etc. However here's the imbalance. He's having the type of relationship he wants. You are not. It doesn't mean he's not committed or that he doesn't like you or that he's not into you or anything like that. It just means he's having the relationship that he wants to have and you are allowing it. This is who he is. It might be selfish, it might be immature. But there's possibly no changing it. So you need to do what's best for you. I would not recommend having the talk with him because you've tried that. Either tell him that this relationship is not working for you and you're going to move along and find a boyfriend who makes you a priority (This is not a 'I need more from you' conversation, this is like a break up talk, and stick to it!) or you can do it without those words and just be less available. When he asks you last minute, you can say sorry you have plans but you would love to see him so you wished he asked you sooner. You can go out with your friends or be involved in a hobby and put your phone on do not disturb. Make him wonder what you're up to. You deserve more for sure. It doesn't make him a bad guy or means that he's only wanting a casual relationship. It's just the relationship he wants. And it's not working for you. Men do what they want. It's up to us to decide if it's enough for us. Good luck Edited January 27, 2015 by curlygirl40
Bellaisa Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I personally think that's just his relationship style, and if you stay in the relationship then you are telling him that you are cool with that. I don't think he would change if you tell him that you are unhappy. He might, but that's not very likely. I don't blame you for being unhappy. He sounds very selfish in a lot of aspects, and I wouldn't put up with it.
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