Gloria25 Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 I think I already made up my mind, but am still putting this out there for in put that will much be appreciated Anywho, doin' the OLD thing and getting some e-mail traffic - haven't moved into meet-ups and stuff cuz my budget is kinda tight for now and besides, it's too cold outside to do much with a group. Anywho, the thread I did on dissing guys got me thinking about how I'm gonna present myself so that I won't be treated like a sperm receptacle in a FWB thing while getting my needs for limited contact met (actually I WILL NOT use the words "casual" and/or "FWB" in response to a guy asking me what I'm looking for). Also, I have no intention of explaining "why" I'm looking for what I'm looking for. I am not gonna explain my childhood to more guys. It sucks enough that my ex crush seen what I posted here. There's days I don't even wanna go home and/or cross paths with him cuz now he "knows" me and there's no need to "know me" unless I plan to have kids and/or marry some guy. I'm hoping that a guy I am gonna meet will look at me and respect who I am and my decision for what I want with him, cuz I'm going on 40 and know what I want and am not gonna compromise who I am just to have regular sex and someone to see. I mean, even if I "fake it", our true personalities shine through eventually, and I'm not gonna waste some guy's time. Ok, This is what I'm thinking to do.... Just tell the guy that "I'm looking for a relationship. Someone to share activities with - but, with my schedule, sometimes the time I am available is limited." So, what do you think? Will that give the message that I don't want to be treated like a FWB/sperm receptacle - but he won't get freaked when we don't chat/see each other all the time? Thanks for your replies in advance
preraph Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 It will certainly limit (and confuse) guys. Maybe something like that you're looking for just someone who just wants someone to do things with once a week. Or word it "who would like to have a regularly scheduled date night just once a week" to just have fun and nothing too serious.
Ebelskiver Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 If you figure this out, let me know! All you can do is try it and see if it works. In my FWB relationships what I've found works best for me is sleeping with someone I don't actually like all that much. The sexual attraction is there but maybe he's a bit too cocky, too dumb, too lazy, whatever. I put him in a box. The box of "This could NEVER be a relationship." It leaves me free to enjoy my time with him, appreciate his good qualities, and be glad when he leaves. Of course, it usually takes a bit of back and forth before I put him in the box. Initially I usually want more. But after the attempt at a relationship fails, some time has passed, I'll reapproach with the FWB offer. A number of times it's worked out to be a nice casual relationship that drops off and picks back up depending on our mutual dating of others. I had one that lasted 4 years. Now I have a bf and a FWB. They both know about each other and everything is cool. Oddly, it's the bf that I have the most stress about. It's so hard to be vulnerable. To lay yourself out there, warts and all, and hope he keeps coming back. It's so much easier to just connect sexually for a few hours than to build true intimacy.
Author Gloria25 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 If you figure this out, let me know! All you can do is try it and see if it works. In my FWB relationships what I've found works best for me is sleeping with someone I don't actually like all that much. The sexual attraction is there but maybe he's a bit too cocky, too dumb, too lazy, whatever. I put him in a box. The box of "This could NEVER be a relationship." It leaves me free to enjoy my time with him, appreciate his good qualities, and be glad when he leaves. Of course, it usually takes a bit of back and forth before I put him in the box. Initially I usually want more. But after the attempt at a relationship fails, some time has passed, I'll reapproach with the FWB offer. A number of times it's worked out to be a nice casual relationship that drops off and picks back up depending on our mutual dating of others. I had one that lasted 4 years. Now I have a bf and a FWB. They both know about each other and everything is cool. Oddly, it's the bf that I have the most stress about. It's so hard to be vulnerable. To lay yourself out there, warts and all, and hope he keeps coming back. It's so much easier to just connect sexually for a few hours than to build true intimacy. Oh no, there was a time I'd be in casual situations with guys I'd normally not date...but, over the years, I've been picking as FWB/casual situation with guys who have qualities of a guy I'd normally date - which makes it bad cuz it sucks when it ends But no, I can't do a bf and FWB. I barely have the time for one limited guy situation and I just can't wrap myself around being intimate with more than one person simultaneously. Now, I don't wanna offer FWB AT ALL here. I just hope that the way I present my "limited" contact situation I can get my needs met w/o being put into the FWB box....risky, but we'll see if it pans out.
StanMusial Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Mixed signals. Nobody finds love on their own terms. None that's worth a damn anyways.
salparadise Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) so that I won't be treated like a sperm receptacle... Now, I don't wanna offer FWB AT ALL here. I just hope that the way I present my "limited" contact situation I can get my needs met w/o being put into the FWB box....risky, but we'll see if it pans out. I'm trying to understand... you are saying you essentially want a FWB situation (no intimacy, just sex) but you don't want to call it that, and you don't wanted to be treated like a sperm receptacle? What exactly is sperm receptacle treatment? How do you want the guy to perceive the arrangement, and how do you want him to behave? What do you need from him, and what do you offer him? Edited January 25, 2015 by salparadise
Timshel Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Hi Gloria, well, it's all about what you want. If you are sure of what you want then you will have it. At this point, you have said that you prefer FWB and clubbing, so that is what you get. If you decide you want a LTR, then your desire for that will project in action and words. The "dudes" (ha) that want a ONS will no longer pursue you OR after a convo or two will decide that you aren't going to play. Whatever is important to you and your personal goal is what you project and others will respond in kind. Do you feel ready for that? Gloria, describing yourself as a sperm receptacle; I think you choose how others treat you by what you allow. There will always be the takers and likewise you don't have to give.
Divasu Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Does one really have to discuss expectations straight out of the gate? Why not date, see how it goes/how you're feeling after a month or so and then assess? I'm not sure if that is the "correct" method but, one really can't predict how the other will feel until you've spent some time with that person. I do think though it is important to determine for yourself, what it is you're "open to". Sometimes you find yourself in a situation, not expecting anything only to find you've fallen for that person. 2
preraph Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 I tend to agree that if it's just casual sex you want (though you did say go do things too, which is something else), best to just find a player and condom up and tap him once in awhile. Finding someone casual who also wants to go spend money with you doing activities will not be as easy as it sounds. Best left for the girlfriends, I'd think, to keep things simple.
lovexocoach Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 The term "relationship" carries certain expectations with it. When you say you want a relationship but your time is limited, a guy could think that you won't make time for him. That's a turnoff. So that might knock out some guys who want a relationship. A guy who is interested in you and who wants a relationship will want to spend time with you and it will frustrate him if you're not available. He will want the relationship to progress and that means he has to spend time with you. So you could be setting yourself up for some drama if you're not clear in your expectations from the outset or use the term "relationship." Because usually - not always - emotions are involved or get in the way as time goes on. You have to qualify guys whether you want a relationship or something occasional. That means finding out if he wants or is okay with what you want and if you're somewhat compatible. Even with casual dating a guy could develop feelings for you and want things to turn into a relationship. Or what if you found a guy under the arrangement you want, fell for him, and he just wants a casual thing? It sounds like you're looking for either (for want of a better term) casual dating with one guy (exclusively?) or FWB based on your previous post ("all I want is a dude to consistently boink me and take me out to an occasional movie/dinner/event now and then. I don't even want to see/hear from him every day. Is that too much to ask for?") You're narrowing the field quite a bit even though what you want might sound like a dream to some guys. What you want sounds reasonable but it might not be easy to find. If you don't word your profile properly or clearly tell guys what you're looking for chances are: You'll get players. You'll get guys who want one night stands. You'll get short term hookups and then onto the next guy - which doesn't sound like what you really want. You're looking for a guy who doesn't want to settle down, or doesn't want commitment, or has been hurt in a previous relationship and doesn't want anything serious, or is so busy he's happy with a casual dating arrangement (although that might not be exclusive to you). He's probably out there. You just have to find him. And you have to make sure he's okay with what you want. And hopefully no emotions get in the way as time goes on. How to avoid being a "sperm receptacle"? Find a quality guy who is a giver, not just a taker. And no sex until you and he are exclusive and monogamous. But then, that's starting to sound like the definition of a relationship, isn't it? So why not just say you're looking for occasional dating with one guy or exclusively with one guy? FWB just doesn't sound classy. And you don't have to explain yourself. That's what you want. I hope you find what you're looking for.
gaius Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 The thing I find most charming about you is your blunt honesty Gloria. I would suggest rather than putting that kind of vague thing about wanting a relationship but on your terms you explain it on there exactly how you explain it on here. That you want a guy but don't really want to talk to him every day, etc etc, but you're not looking for disrespectful FWB either, that kind of thing. Especially if you're looking for a more dominant guy, that makes you sound like you want to bend the guy over. 1
autumnnight Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Now understand I am out of the loop, but could you use the word companion instead of relationship? Like, I'm looking for a companion to connect with and spend some time with when our schedules allow. I have no idea, just tossing stuff out there.
Quiet Storm Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 Gloria, I agree with gaius. Keep it real. 1
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