joyyu22 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 We have been together for almost 3 years and recently I have been staying with him on the weekends because it was closer for work. Keeping in mind he still lives with his family. Recently, out of no where, his brother confronted me about how my bf has been really on edge lately and he feels like he doesn't have a brother anymore, and he can't talk to my bf especially when Im always around. They have never been close and constantly fight so I was very taken back with this. The brother also mentioned that we have been very loud around the house, which I wasn't aware, but I could respect that and watch the volume. On top of that he thinks when me and my bf argue, it reminds him of his parents, who are divorced. I think that's really unfair and not okay to say to someone. He often thinks he can butt into other peoples business and it's perfectly normal. Then he goes on and guilts me not to tell my bf he's been saying all this stuff cause that's just gonna cause a huge fight, once again. At this point, I don't even know what is going on or what to do anymore.
darkmoon Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) fact is you must ignore him you are under no oblogation to respond and would be a bit inexperienced to get further involved, let him talk himself up a tree unless your boyf has openly objcted to you/him about your arguments, only that, but then, i hate arguments i think bro wants you too, it is possible, so go easy on him, poor guy Edited January 24, 2015 by darkmoon
preraph Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I don't blame the brother for not wanting to listen to fighting. I don't like being around it because it touches a very young child in me listening to my parents go at it. Your bf needs to get his own place, or you need to stop staying over there since it's upsetting family. 3
SpiralOut Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) I am wondering why you think his brother hates you. It sounds to me like he has concerns and is talking to you about them like a mature adult. I very much doubt that this confrontation "came out of nowhere." Likely he has been feeling bothered for a while and tried waiting for things to improve on their own, but they haven't, so he finally decided to say something. You are making your fights his business by doing it within his hearing, so yes it is okay for him to confront you about it. This is his home and your behaviour is making him feel uncomfortable. It also sounds like he cares about his brother, despite not getting along that well with him. He sees that he has changed for the worse and it worries him. . Spend less time at their house for a while. Edited January 24, 2015 by SpiralOut 2
Author joyyu22 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Maybe saying he hates me is not the best way to put it. I don't blame him for not wanting to hear fights but we really don't argue that much and there really is no need to yell "shut up" from the next room during a heated conversation. It just stirs the pot. He also likes to bring up alot of my bf's problem behind his back to me.
darkmoon Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 he has asked you nicely, he has yelled out shut up - there may be no need for you but there is for him just say yes ok to him and stop thinking of this as such a terrible thing to go along with
Omei Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I don't blame the brother for not wanting to listen to fighting. I don't like being around it because it touches a very young child in me listening to my parents go at it. Your bf needs to get his own place, or you need to stop staying over there since it's upsetting family. I don't blame is brother for being upset in a way he lived in his family home with his family and now suddenly has to deal with the change of a woman who is of no relevance to him staying within his home to him he probably feels its an invasion of his home life that and dealing with the arguments within his home so it does become somewhat his businesses. You have your own place I suggest you stop crashing their family life every weekend sometimes staying with your bf is nice but it sounds like your overstaying your welcome. 4
Zahara Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Maybe saying he hates me is not the best way to put it. I don't blame him for not wanting to hear fights but we really don't argue that much and there really is no need to yell "shut up" from the next room during a heated conversation. It just stirs the pot. He also likes to bring up alot of my bf's problem behind his back to me. Take your heated arguments somewhere else. No one wants to hear that crap. Go and fight in your own apartment. It's not your home. It's a home belonging to your boyfriend's parents and his brother. It's rather disrespectful that you and your boyfriend choose to bring your drama over there and disrupt their peace. 4
Author joyyu22 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) I have been feeling like I'm overstaying my welcome But my bf have been insisting I haven't. But now I know for real I am, at least for the Family. I don't have my own place. when we do fight, I just so happens to be at the house. I don't "choose" to bring drama there Edited January 24, 2015 by joyyu22
you_can_not_see_me Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 He probably doesn't like you being there that often, which on some level is understandable. Sometimes some couples get too caught up in their relationship and their relations with other people start to suffer. Your BF and his brother might be growing even more distant than before and his brother resents you for that. Since you have known your BF's brother have you tried to be on good terms? or did you go into this thinking he'd be irrelevant and that you don't need to concern yourself with him? You might think you don't owe him anything, but consider the fact that you have entered this guy's living space and the least you could do is try to be friendly with him and be considerate. part of this is probably your boyfriend's fault, he should have tried to make you are his brother be on good terms but he probably doesn't care. 1
Zahara Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I have been feeling like I'm overstaying my welcome But my bf have been insisting I haven't. But now I know for real I am, at least for the Family. I don't have my own place. when we do fight, I just so happens to be at the house. I don't "choose" to bring drama there You don't know how to restrain yourself? When you feel a fight coming on, you don't know how to tell your boyfriend, "Look, we need to respect your parents home, their space and their peace, we can talk about it another time outside of their home. This is not the place and time." Or you just both go at it without considering who else is in the home? It's disrespectful. You said you stay with him on weekends. Where do you stay the rest of the days.
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Joy: consider that the brother maybe spoke out-loud what everybody else is thinking in the household. It being more convenient to get to work is not a good reason enough to live at a boyfriend's parents house every weekends. When your boyfriend has his own place then he can have you over every weekend if he wishes. Right now you are in these people's house, in their personal space, using their shower, eating their food and imposing on them you and your bf personal problems. 2
Ieris Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I agree with what other members have posted. Just because it's convenient for you, doesn't mean its convenient for them. He's not butting into your business, you're the one their house and having fights with his brother. I remember how I hated having my siblings girlfriends/boyfriends round our house every weekend and I made damn sure they knew it. Saying things like, "Wow you're here again? Don't you have a life? Don't you have any friends?" So in comparison I think his brother is being pretty nice about it and expressing his thoughts like an adult (not bitchy and immature like I did). 1
Author joyyu22 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 look, we are a normal couple, we don't get to choose when we can talk things through all the time. I have been nothing but nice to him. I cook for the entire household, I do more for the house than he does. I eat the food, I buy them groceries and cook for them too. I do the dishes and the garbage. I don't take my staying there for granted. But I do understand my over staying.
Zahara Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 look, we are a normal couple, we don't get to choose when we can talk things through all the time. Whether you are a normal couple or not, it's not their problem to accommodate your fights. You don't take your issues into their home. You have no place else to argue, go outside and duke it out.
Ieris Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I think it's nice that you do all that for his family I'm sure they don't hate you but just need some space I guess, don't take it personally. Unlike my siblings girlfriends/boyfriends who were rude and didn't clean up after themselves so I was pretty horrible to them. They got dumped soon after so.. "Hooray!" 1
Author joyyu22 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Whether you are a normal couple or not, it's not their problem to accommodate your fights. You don't take your issues into their home. You have no place else to argue, go outside and duke it out. Okay I can appreciate this helpful comment. Thank you for not repeating how disrespectful we are.
Author joyyu22 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 I think it's nice that you do all that for his family I'm sure they don't hate you but just need some space I guess, don't take it personally. Unlike my siblings girlfriends/boyfriends who were rude and didn't clean up after themselves so I was pretty horrible to them. They got dumped soon after so.. "Hooray!" You're right. Space is well needed. Thank you for being so helpful.
Zahara Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Okay I can appreciate this helpful comment. Thank you for not repeating how disrespectful we are. You keep making excuses to justify it. And you are welcome.
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 look, we are a normal couple, we don't get to choose when we can talk things through all the time. I have been nothing but nice to him. I cook for the entire household, I do more for the house than he does. I eat the food, I buy them groceries and cook for them too. I do the dishes and the garbage. I don't take my staying there for granted. But I do understand my over staying. That is very nice of you. You know what they say about visitors? We love them when they arrive and we love them even more when they leave. :-) You don't have to completely stop spending your weekends there but you could do it a couple of times a month instead of every single weekend. 1
Author joyyu22 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 You keep making excuses to justify it. And you are welcome. Well I'm not trying justify it. In no way am I saying I have all the rights in the world to be fighting in the house.
soyou Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Why dont you set up a little talk with 3 of you to straighten things out? Let your bf aware of the situation too. If its the issue is between the two brothers, let them deal with it themselves. No need to get you involved. If the issue is involved with you and the fact that you stay there too often, your boyfriend needs to man up and handle his brother, not you! You come to his house per invite so I dont see why you have to suffer from it.
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