Lilygreen818 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Hello, I have been dating my friend since last October, but we'd been friends for a few months prior to that. In the past month or two, we realized there is a lot of passion between us, but also we fight pretty much on the reg. When things are great, things are amazing. But when they're bad, they're really bad. When we do fight, we make up and we do move forward better than before, and the last time we had a giant blowout, we made up so well that we decided to become official. He is a great boyfriend - very communicative, texts/calls all the time, initiates convos about 95% of the time, very affectionate and attentive. Things were fantastic for a while, but that proved to be a band aid for the relationship because a few weeks later, we were fighting yet again. We realized that the fighting has been an issue of him maybe resenting me because he isn't ready for a relationship right now - yet it is very clear that he doesn't want to lose me. We are very compatible, have a very strong connection and we are very close friends in addition to dating - we are very supportive of each other and he comes to me for advice; we are very important to one another in that way. Also, he's never really been in a serious, healthy relationship before, so this is new territory for him. We are both, I believe, sort of blind sighted by our feelings because I don't think either of us has quite felt this way before - in both good and bad ways. After that fight (which was, I admit, primarily my fault) I apologized pretty hard, and he said "I just need some time to think." He's stated that he's scared he doesn't know if he's in a place where he can fully accept a girlfriend into his life and give 100%, and he knows I have my life together and I'm sorted, so I am in that place. I've gave him said space, and a couple days later he sent me a poem he wrote for me, basically stating that this fight wasn't my fault. Because we are part of the same friends group, he is friends with my friends, and he's said that after my apology he wanted to make up right then and there, but forced himself not to because he wanted to be clear headed when he made the decision - either be all in, or all out. They've also told me that it seems very evident that in his heart, he wants to be with me - they know our connection and see how we are together, so I suppose they do know first hand. He just doesn't want to make up right now and in a couple weeks the same thing happen again. He needs to think about if he really is ready for a relationship or not. One thing that is pretty evident is that this isn't about him wanting to hook up with other girls or sleep around and explore his options. It's just a matter of not knowing if he's ready for the responsibility of a relationship. So I guess I am asking, has anyone else been through this type of thing? If so, how did it turn out? Should I stay positive that he'll step up and come back to me, or maybe just move on? It's only been about 4 days since our initial fight, and it was just yesterday that he sent me the poem, so it hasn't been that long. My friends say that it seems like he will step up and be back, ready to commit, and they seem to be pretty confident in that, as if I'm worrying about nothing. However I want to get outside opinions so I don't end up getting my hopes up for nothing. Also, and this isn't totally my main concern because I do feel like I'll just follow my gut, but how long do I just wait around? I'm feeling quite vulnerable in this position. I'm just wondering what the line is between desperate and understanding. Any response is appreciated!
preraph Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 He's not ready for the responsibility of a relationship. He probably resents that you are more together than he is too. He knows he would have to make some foundational changes to commit. He may not feel qualified to be able to commit. This is very daunting for those who maybe had bad relationship modeling. Plus you fight all the time, which isn't pleasant. You never did say what you fight about. If you are fighting about commitment, then you need to stop pressuring him because it will only make him not want to commit. If it's little everyday things and you're both losing your tempers or one of you is over small everyday stuff, you both need to take anger management before moving forward so you don't sign up for a lifetime of that hell.
Author Lilygreen818 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Most of the time we're fighting because one of us is hurt about something the other said or did. And it's difficult for us to let things go, so tiny things end up blown way out of proportion. It's something we'd both have to work on if we wanted to commit to each other. Is it ridiculous to think he would step it up and come around? Or should I assume it's over and move on?
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