phaedra Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Hi there, I'm a new member and after looking through some of the post on this forum and seeing some great support and advice given I thought I might share my current situation. Hopefully it is not to lengthy. I'm currently experiencing a whole lot of confusion, pain and utter sadness after my ex boyfriend ended our relationship of just over a year about 3 weeks ago. Emotionally, I went through quite a bit throughout the duration of our romantic relationship. My insecurities, low confidence, anxiety and inferiority issues did considerably effect our relationship at times but above that our relationship seemed to remain strong and I definitely considered my ex boyfriend to be my best friend whom I have shared so much with and have never felt so comfortable and myself around another person. However due to these issues I have been going to counselling for the last four months so I can improve myself and love myself a little more as well as to stop worrying about not being good enough or losing the relationship. Therapy did and is helping me a lot however I would still get insecure and depressed from time to time and I think my ex boyfriend completely lost his patience and I could not speak to him about these issues any more or it would end up in us fighting. My ex boyfriend was also going through a rough period during our time together having some money issues and feeling a bit directionless or unfulfilled. Lacking confidence, I would sometimes feel as though his mood and problems were because of me and would constantly apologise or not feel good enough. This may sound like a complete disaster of a relationship but we really did have a lot of amazing times together and I felt as though we supported each other as best we could. I really tried with everything I had to stop my problems from straining or relationship. However the breakup was really surprising as things had been looking great. We decided to meet the next day after he made the decision and we cried and talked for a few hours. We both expressed the sentiment that maybe one day we could make things work again however I needed to sort out some of my issues and gain some confidence and he needed his own time. For about a week or two after the break up he was still talking to me online every day and it sort of took away the sadness for those bits of time until I would have to say goodbye again. I started to feel like I was reliving the break up over and over again. About a week ago I expressed that I was confused by a lot of things and that I still had so much feelings that I could not detach from and that I was finding it difficult to talk as friends and so casually. He replied saying that he has been avoiding talking about this stuff as he does not want to give any impressions because he has not made any decisions yet. He has contacted every couple of days since then and I have tried to remain as casual as possible but still feel as though I am getting caught up in the hope that we will get back together when I know that the only chance of that happening would be if I let go altogether so I can improve myself. I'm still extremely confused as to whether I should not reply or contact him any longer as I'm constantly putting myself through pain and getting caught up in the relationship when I know I have to focus on myself. I feel as though I have not had my space to grieve and cannot sleep and have constant butterflies. I'm extremely scared of losing the relationship altogether though as my ex boyfriend is such an important person to me. I'm very sorry if it's a bit hard to follow but I would greatly appreciate any advice that anyone has to offer or If anyone would like to share a similar experience. Thank you for reading!!
Hija77 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 In my opinion, you should go NC. Although you listed several of your ex's faults in your post, the overall tone makes it sound as though you pretty much blame yourself entirely for the break-up. You never mentioned any catastrophic mistakes you made. You didn't cheat, you didn't stalk, etc. If you ever hope to have a lasting relationship with him again, you NEED to recognize his part in what's happened. What did he do? What didn't he do? Without that knowledge, you'd go back into the relationship flying blind again. You would most likely also worry, compromise, and overcompensate to try to keep things going smoothly. If going NC for awhile means you lose him, it wasn't meant to be. 1
dumbass2 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) The key is that you are confused and staying in contact with him will not lessen that feeling, only make it worse at this time. He is not going to forget about you any time soon. Go NC completely for at least another 30 days. It will give you both time to be away from each for awhile. You really need to try and do that. It will give you a different perspective on things. Without contact it will allow to start looking at things more clearly and go through this process. Write things down if it helps (never send anything, it's just for you) and talk to a close friend or family member (don't confide with too many people on this, too much advice can add to confusion). You will go through blaming yourself, but then it will turn to him and then you will just concentrate on yourself and things you might improve on. Not for him, but for whatever relationship you are in next. You need to look at the relationship as a whole and ask yourself if it was really what you want long term, because there is probably a better fit out there for you that will more than likely make you even happier. I'm not saying NC forever like some might say because who knows at this early stage because you still want him. I would say that you let him know right now, if you want, and ask him to respect your decision and that you two may contact again a little later down the road. It will take some time. You both wont be over each other in another month, but you might have a clearer understanding of what you both want and and it may just end up that you know it is best to just completely try to move on at that point. If you stay in contact, you will just slow the process down and further your confusion. You need to do what is best for YOU. Edited January 24, 2015 by dumbass2 1
LovelyDaze Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 If you stay in contact, you will just slow the process down and further your confusion. You need to do what is best for YOU. Great advice from dumbass2. Remember that if your ex does contact you that you think with your head and not your heart. When dumbass2 advised for you to do what is best for you, I would recommend that for sure as well and to make sure you do that for the long run and not just to end the hurt you are feeling.
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