OK_computer Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Why are there so many cycles before it's over for good? And is it ever really over for good? I have not intention of breaking my NC of 1 year to find out...but why do they go along for as long as they do?
evanescentworld Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Could you be more specific as to what cycles you mean? Basically, if I read you right, it's due to a lack of the Three Vital Components: The Tripod which holds a relationship aloft: Respect Communication Trust. Love is the main component of a relationship, but without any of these three, it is meaningless and goes nowhere. Remove one, or damage one, and the other two cannot support the relationship on their own. It takes all three, and Trust is the one that is most difficult to repair. 2
Author OK_computer Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Could you be more specific as to what cycles you mean? Basically, if I read you right, it's due to a lack of the Three Vital Components: The Tripod which holds a relationship aloft: Respect Communication Trust. Love is the main component of a relationship, but without any of these three, it is meaningless and goes nowhere. Remove one, or damage one, and the other two cannot support the relationship on their own. It takes all three, and Trust is the one that is most difficult to repair. Evanescent, I like your tripod model, it makes total sense. I'm talking about fight after fight, breaking up, and making up again, only to know it's going to end the same way. Maybe in the 10s of times over years. After it ends, each time it's the 'final' one, the 'last straw.' But it never really ever ends. When my ex broke it off with me, it would start all over again with her looking at me in class, her friends saying she's hurt, but she's the one that would break it off! This last time, I broke it off, one year NC. But it's as if we fought yesterday, still angry looks, or trying to get my attention. I know she misses me, but when ever I get back with her, which i have no plan on doing as 1 year is a precious amount of time for NC, she pushes me away in less than a week. She acts so strange when i'm around, like she's seen a ghost. It's been a year since i talked to her and I still have her glancing, or its awkward..My question is why is it still weird for her? It's like the fight was yesterday for her! It's been a year. My thinking is she thinks it's still just another cycle...and the last thing I want is to think it is too. I feel horrible about doing this, on and off thing, it really destroyed everything about our relationship. It's basically like an addiction and to this day a year after NC, it still has an effect, the chance--or for her the belief that this will start again, in just some more time. I feel bad for being in such a stupid cycle. I broke it off, and I've grown and matured, but it's sad to see the effect it's had on her, for some reason, I feel it's all my fault. And it eats me up the guilt, and the pain i put her through. Maybe I shouldn't be feeling these things, and i haven't in months But i am again.
evanescentworld Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Evanescent, I like your tripod model, it makes total sense. I'm talking about fight after fight, breaking up, and making up again, only to know it's going to end the same way. Maybe in the 10s of times over years. After it ends, each time it's the 'final' one, the 'last straw.' But it never really ever ends. When my ex broke it off with me, it would start all over again with her looking at me in class, her friends saying she's hurt, but she's the one that would break it off! This last time, I broke it off, one year NC. But it's as if we fought yesterday, still angry looks, or trying to get my attention. I know she misses me, but when ever I get back with her, which i have no plan on doing as 1 year is a precious amount of time for NC, she pushes me away in less than a week. She acts so strange when i'm around, like she's seen a ghost. It's been a year since i talked to her and I still have her glancing, or its awkward..My question is why is it still weird for her? It's like the fight was yesterday for her! It's been a year. My thinking is she thinks it's still just another cycle...and the last thing I want is to think it is too. I feel horrible about doing this, on and off thing, it really destroyed everything about our relationship. It's basically like an addiction and to this day a year after NC, it still has an effect, the chance--or for her the belief that this will start again, in just some more time. I feel bad for being in such a stupid cycle. I broke it off, and I've grown and matured, but it's sad to see the effect it's had on her, for some reason, I feel it's all my fault. And it eats me up the guilt, and the pain i put her through. Maybe I shouldn't be feeling these things, and i haven't in months But i am again. Communication and respect are both lacking. Think about it, you might have communicated, but it was not effective. There are skills needed in order to validate both people, and ensure they are given a chance to speak, and are listened to. It seems you both lack the necessary skills to make it work. What is it YOU want, exactly?
Author OK_computer Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Communication and respect are both lacking. Think about it, you might have communicated, but it was not effective. There are skills needed in order to validate both people, and ensure they are given a chance to speak, and are listened to. It seems you both lack the necessary skills to make it work. What is it YOU want, exactly? Yes, respect was lacking because I broke her trust, and then the communication died. I didn't cheat on her or anything, but would get into deep emotional fights with her, and she wouldn't be able to take it. What do I want you ask? That's a tough question when you put it so bluntly. I guess I want her not to hate me, to forgive me in some way for my shortcomings, as this time in NC has shown me it wasn't always HER who was at fault. But that healing...it takes a long time...and it starts from scratch... I guess I also want to learn how to not repeat being such a futile situation, where 2 parties cannot stand each other, but still have 'feelings' (whatever that may constitute) for each other. It's both of our faults..I never want to feel this horrible again, the fact I played on someones emotions because I couldn't control my own. Idk evanescent
Ieris Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 This on and off cycle only happened to me once when I was 18. We would use a break up as a threat, to get our way when the other person wouldn't do something and only get back together when they do it. More of my female friends did this rather than their boyfriends. It was childish. As we got older, we take the words break up much more seriously and wouldn't say it unless we really mean it. Once we break up, we're done.
NopeNah Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Could you be more specific as to what cycles you mean? Basically, if I read you right, it's due to a lack of the Three Vital Components: The Tripod which holds a relationship aloft: Respect Communication Trust. Love is the main component of a relationship, but without any of these three, it is meaningless and goes nowhere. Remove one, or damage one, and the other two cannot support the relationship on their own. It takes all three, and Trust is the one that is most difficult to repair. This is spot on! As for the respect part...with the going back and fourth multiple times, could be due to lack of self respect...That was my issue.
evanescentworld Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 This is spot on! As for the respect part...with the going back and fourth multiple times, could be due to lack of self respect...That was my issue. Yes indeed. For brevity's sake, the three "legs" of the tripod were given as single terms. But as you say, Respect is certainly a quality to be given both ways. Just as 'communication' has to be effective and meaningful, and Trust has to be bestowed and accepted..... In the case of Trust, if a partner is having to rebuild that Trust, it is a worthy virtue of the other partner to Respect that effort, and to not maintain and direct resentment. Trust has to be re-built but both must play their part.... 1
Author OK_computer Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Yes indeed. For brevity's sake, the three "legs" of the tripod were given as single terms. But as you say, Respect is certainly a quality to be given both ways. Just as 'communication' has to be effective and meaningful, and Trust has to be bestowed and accepted..... In the case of Trust, if a partner is having to rebuild that Trust, it is a worthy virtue of the other partner to Respect that effort, and to not maintain and direct resentment. Trust has to be re-built but both must play their part.... Very Wise words. But this stuck out to me, and this is where it's fishy. If after so many cycles, this rebuilding is tried, the other party may have grown weary due to the years 'trials.' They will 'try' or 'acknowledge' that I am trying to make amends/etc. BUT I will never be able to bring things back to the way they were, and if things were to ever go awry next time, it will just validate their point. That direct resentment has to be, dissipated, otherwise a real amends could never happen, right? Plus, after all times in a oaoa relationship, that resentment would have built up. Is there a way to divert resentment?
NopeNah Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Yes indeed. For brevity's sake, the three "legs" of the tripod were given as single terms. But as you say, Respect is certainly a quality to be given both ways. Just as 'communication' has to be effective and meaningful, and Trust has to be bestowed and accepted..... In the case of Trust, if a partner is having to rebuild that Trust, it is a worthy virtue of the other partner to Respect that effort, and to not maintain and direct resentment. Trust has to be re-built but both must play their part.... When are you going to marry me?
evanescentworld Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Very Wise words. But this stuck out to me, and this is where it's fishy. If after so many cycles, this rebuilding is tried, the other party may have grown weary due to the years 'trials.' They will 'try' or 'acknowledge' that I am trying to make amends/etc. BUT I will never be able to bring things back to the way they were... Oh absolutely. Anything 'repaired' is never 'as good as new' ever again. If you buy a luxury cashmere sweater, and it's the bees knees, if you make a hole in it, even if it's invisibly mended, YOU know it is damaged, and has lost some of its original attraction to you... the beauty of it is marred.... and if things were to ever go awry next time, it will just validate their point. No, hold on a minute there. What you mean is, if ever YOU go awry again. (You flipped from third person to first, in your comment, above....) So, own it. What you mean is, "if ever I mess up, and screw up again - it will just validate her point." Well if you do it again, that's your fault, and you're guilty of looking for an easy remedy, rather than putting your shoulder to the boulder and facing the problem and working through it with her. If it validates their point, you gave them that validation. That direct resentment has to be, dissipated, otherwise a real amends could never happen, right? Plus, after all times in a oaoa relationship, that resentment would have built up. Is there a way to divert resentment? Effective Communication Trust, worked on by both Respect for Partner (in this case). It always boils down to, and comes back to, The Three. And if necessary, you effect the three through counselling.
evanescentworld Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 When are you going to marry me? Hang on, let me at least divorce this one.....!
Author OK_computer Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Oh absolutely. Anything 'repaired' is never 'as good as new' ever again. If you buy a luxury cashmere sweater, and it's the bees knees, if you make a hole in it, even if it's invisibly mended, YOU know it is damaged, and has lost some of its original attraction to you... the beauty of it is marred.... No, hold on a minute there. What you mean is, if ever YOU go awry again. (You flipped from third person to first, in your comment, above....) So, own it. What you mean is, "if ever I mess up, and screw up again - it will just validate her point." Well if you do it again, that's your fault, and you're guilty of looking for an easy remedy, rather than putting your shoulder to the boulder and facing the problem and working through it with her. If it validates their point, you gave them that validation. Effective Communication Trust, worked on by both Respect for Partner (in this case). It always boils down to, and comes back to, The Three. And if necessary, you effect the three through counselling. If only I knew these things years ago! I guess a lot of patience has to be thrown into the mix, because these things take a long time to heal. By following the triad some sort of path to a healthier relationship can be made, and it alleviates the tension and awkwardness. But all the time I spent is NC maybe for nothing, guess i have to decide on that...
evanescentworld Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I used to work with a relationships counseling organisation. I was asked to volunteer, initially, to help run weekend workshops for couples wishing to marry in church. it was a pre-requisite laid down BY the church, and it was compulsory attendance. That was it. "You wanna get married within these hallowed walls in 'the sight of God'...? You do the workshop. No workshop? No wedding." However, it's fair to say that the organisation itself did not only cater for married couples, or even those who were Christian. They were open and available to all types, sects and genders..... I initially began as an assistant (handing out paperwork and documents, preparing the hall, making coffees and refreshments for the breaks) and then I was rapidly asked to actually run the courses myself. After a while I was approached about actually taking their internal Counsellor's course, and qualifying (according to their criteria, not a national one) as a one-on-one Counsellor myself, but an international move prevented my finishing the course. However, during the course, we were asked to come up with the values we felt were vital to sustaining a relationship, and I came up with the Tripod Model. It took a fair amount of discussion to define and hone it down to these three essential Qualities, but I believe the idea has been adopted by the organisation as a tool for use during the Workshops they still run. I have to say, it hasn't failed me yet. Another technique taught during the workshops - and one for which I absolutely claim no credit for at all, but is brilliant - is "The Speaker/Listener technique". I recommend it. I also earnestly suggest people implement it with the assistance of a trusted, unbiased and mature friend, who would act as 'arbiter' to ensure both partners stick to the formula.... 1
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