Author contact1 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 A 50/50 split with the kid may be ok in terms of legal rights, but I don't think a kid's time should be split that way between parents unless you live down the street from one another. Just my thoughts. Not sure why we would have to live "right down the street" for a shared custody to work, cars have been invented you know Unless you think a 50/50 is something like I get my son in the morning, and wife gets him in the evening, it wouldn't work like that. If anything it would be like 1 week with me, 1 week with her, or something to that matter.
Broom Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 What kind of examples of no emotional support? Do you have anyone else in your life you're currently interested in. I'm just asking because this seems like a rare situation for someone to want to D without anyone else holding their attention.
amaysngrace Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 What kind of examples of no emotional support? Do you have anyone else in your life you're currently interested in. I'm just asking because this seems like a rare situation for someone to want to D without anyone else holding their attention. Why do you say that? Just because a person feels unfulfilled in their marriage doesn't automatically mean there has to be somebody else they're interested in because being interested in themselves is enough. It's called self-love.
Radu Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 Hmm it's really hard to say. In her line of work, empathy and caring does play a big role, though I have never actually seen her work so I can't say to what degree it is there. But from my understanding, she is very good at her job and does get praised for her work. Outside of that, I don't know honestly. Sometimes she may be, other times she can be really cold. There is no consistency if you get what I mean, with the exception of myself, but that's more noticeable since I am there heh. You are with her for a long time, you went down the street with her holding hands ... look and talk at things. Anyway, you answered 'she may be but other times she is'. She may have empathy, and other times she is really cold. Yeah, that says a lot.
Radu Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 Right, that level income is WAY more than enough, heck I could easily live off of 40k a year and be happy with that, while supporting my child. And that it is how I see it, for our son, it would be better for both parents to be happy if separated, than staying together with resentment. Though it still worries me when the day comes that I do tell her about the divorce. There have been a few arguments in where she has thrown something at me in anger, a remote control, cell phone, plate of food, the last one I remember a few years back was a bowl of peaches, the bowl didn't get tossed at me, rather the peaches themselves were thrown in my face. Each time I would have to remove myself from the room to not end up doing something really stupid on my part. In any case, that type of behavior worries me when the day does come. But it will be quite a while before that happens, so I have some time to figure the best way to handle it. You are describing physical abuse. If it gets to this, you must have backup to protect yourself legally. Use a Voice Activated Recorder when you tell her this; check with a lawyer first. I would also look into talking to a lawyer who has had experience representing men who were in abusive relationships, not who were abusers. Keeping a journal over yrs might also help. 1
salparadise Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 There have been a few arguments in where she has thrown something at me in anger, a remote control, cell phone, plate of food, the last one I remember a few years back was a bowl of peaches, the bowl didn't get tossed at me, rather the peaches themselves were thrown in my face. Each time I would have to remove myself from the room to not end up doing something really stupid on my part. In any case, that type of behavior worries me when the day does come. But it will be quite a while before that happens, so I have some time to figure the best way to handle it. This says a lot about the nature of the relationship. Yes, that's physical abuse. I wouldn't be nearly as concerned about how she reacts to hearing that you want a divorce as I would about the implications of being in such a relationship. Living in a situation where you're walking on eggshells to keep someone from exploding is no way to live. Such behavior is way beyond not being affirmed and appreciated.
Quiet Storm Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 (edited) With her having clear BPD or NPD traits, and possibly a full blown personality disorder, I think 50/50 custody is a very bad idea. I think you should either stay married or go for 100% custody. With 50/50, you will be abandoning your child for half the time with a person who is very likely to manipulate your child or turn your child against you. The emotional damage that a personality disordered parent can do a child causes lifelong issues. You see her being a good mom to your toddler as proof of her being a fit parent, but this is just the beginning of childhood. You are being very naïve if you trust her to be a good mother. I know your marriage is dead and you want to end this and start a new life, but please keep your child's best interests at heart. At least now, you are there to buffer him from her. Once you leave, she will be angry, hurt and out for revenge, and your child will be the one that suffers for that. Personality disordered parents often appear to be good parents to small children, because a small child is a constant source of admiration and validation and also an adorable possession that they can show off. Once that wears off and the kid gets their own thoughts & ideas, once the kid isn't as cute and if the kid embarrasses or disappoints her...then the kid becomes another target. You won't be there to spot the subtle manipulation and counter her influence. There are others going through this, and I suggest you read some forums with people going through the same issues. The problem is that these types of people are very good at manipulating the system. They know how to play the part of "good mom". Another issue is that many are relentless in doing everything possible to cause drama and problems for the nondisordered spouse, so your life doesn't end up being less miserable. They also plant seeds in your child's mind that are hard to reverse when you aren't there to witness their subtle attempts at control and manipulation. There are many spouses that choose to stay married because they see it as the lesser of two evils. At least they can be there on a daily basis to buffer the child, and be the normal, stable and consistent parent in their child's life. I have a BPD sister and a ten year old nephew that is having emotional issues right now. His father is a great guy and has a strong presence in his life, but he wasn't able to shield the child from my sister's issues because he was only there half the time. I totally understand why you want to end the marriage and your suffering. You've accepted it's over and are planning your escape. But understand this- your child cannot escape. You are his advocate and his protector. No matter how great of a dad you are during the time you do spend with him, it's going to be a huge loss for him, especially as he ages and sees her true colors. He's not going to feel "I don't blame dad for leaving". He'll feel like you didn't love him enough to stay. I think a really big mistake is assuming she is a good mother. For NPD and BPD, it's often just a show. The care and concern for the child may be genuine, but it's a selfish and possessive kind of love, based on what the child does for them. It's a whole different story as the child ages. I suggest you read up on this before you decide. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201107/prognosis-is-gloomy-children-personality-disordered-parents Edited January 26, 2015 by Quiet Storm
Author contact1 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 With her having clear BPD or NPD traits, and possibly a full blown personality disorder, I think 50/50 custody is a very bad idea. I think you should either stay married or go for 100% custody. With 50/50, you will be abandoning your child for half the time with a person who is very likely to manipulate your child or turn your child against you. The emotional damage that a personality disordered parent can do a child causes lifelong issues. You see her being a good mom to your toddler as proof of her being a fit parent, but this is just the beginning of childhood. You are being very naïve if you trust her to be a good mother. I know your marriage is dead and you want to end this and start a new life, but please keep your child's best interests at heart. At least now, you are there to buffer him from her. Once you leave, she will be angry, hurt and out for revenge, and your child will be the one that suffers for that. Personality disordered parents often appear to be good parents to small children, because a small child is a constant source of admiration and validation and also an adorable possession that they can show off. Once that wears off and the kid gets their own thoughts & ideas, once the kid isn't as cute and if the kid embarrasses or disappoints her...then the kid becomes another target. You won't be there to spot the subtle manipulation and counter her influence. There are others going through this, and I suggest you read some forums with people going through the same issues. The problem is that these types of people are very good at manipulating the system. They know how to play the part of "good mom". Another issue is that many are relentless in doing everything possible to cause drama and problems for the nondisordered spouse, so your life doesn't end up being less miserable. They also plant seeds in your child's mind that are hard to reverse when you aren't there to witness their subtle attempts at control and manipulation. There are many spouses that choose to stay married because they see it as the lesser of two evils. At least they can be there on a daily basis to buffer the child, and be the normal, stable and consistent parent in their child's life. I have a BPD sister and a ten year old nephew that is having emotional issues right now. His father is a great guy and has a strong presence in his life, but he wasn't able to shield the child from my sister's issues because he was only there half the time. I totally understand why you want to end the marriage and your suffering. You've accepted it's over and are planning your escape. But understand this- your child cannot escape. You are his advocate and his protector. No matter how great of a dad you are during the time you do spend with him, it's going to be a huge loss for him, especially as he ages and sees her true colors. He's not going to feel "I don't blame dad for leaving". He'll feel like you didn't love him enough to stay. I think a really big mistake is assuming she is a good mother. For NPD and BPD, it's often just a show. The care and concern for the child may be genuine, but it's a selfish and possessive kind of love, based on what the child does for them. It's a whole different story as the child ages. I suggest you read up on this before you decide. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201107/prognosis-is-gloomy-children-personality-disordered-parents Hmm that's very tough, I get what you are saying, but the options aren't really good. To stay in the marriage for 15 years would be more damage to our son. As it stands, the plan would be as I go into my career, she would be cutting back on her hours, so me being a "buffer" wouldn't even be the case, she would still be in our child (or children's) life a great deal of the time. Add on to the fact that mentally, there is no way I could put up with this for 15 years, I'm afraid what my state of mind would become over time. So that leaves getting full custody, which I can not see ever happening unless she did something really extreme, that I could have proof of. Even if that were the case, I would be torn of completely removing her from our son's life, when she has not shown nothing but complete care and love for him, even when he acts up. In fact I see it being down right cruel, I could never do that unless I saw my son being in real danger. Will she plant seeds in his head, blaming me for the divorce? Quiet possibly but this is very likely in any divorce, with or without a disorder. My parents went through divorce and my mother did try planting those seeds in me when I was really young, but they never stayed. If that results to be the case, all I can do is assure my son it was for the best for everyone, and that he is loved no matter what, I can't control her actions and don't intend to.
Author contact1 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 You are describing physical abuse. If it gets to this, you must have backup to protect yourself legally. Use a Voice Activated Recorder when you tell her this; check with a lawyer first. I would also look into talking to a lawyer who has had experience representing men who were in abusive relationships, not who were abusers. Keeping a journal over yrs might also help. Very true, I do intent of discussing this nature to a lawyer prior to bringing up the divorce. As far as a recorder, as far as I know, the person who is being recorded as to be aware of said recording, permission is not required but they have to be aware of it occurring. May have to do it in a public place where she is forced to hold herself from acting up, but even than, not sure. Heh, I do in fact have a journal, but it is more so of my writing how I am feeling and what I am going through, not really detailed in accounts of what has occurred.
amaysngrace Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 My divorce lawyer is the one who advised me to get a voice recorder and hide it. I live in New Jersey.
Author contact1 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 This says a lot about the nature of the relationship. Yes, that's physical abuse. I wouldn't be nearly as concerned about how she reacts to hearing that you want a divorce as I would about the implications of being in such a relationship. Living in a situation where you're walking on eggshells to keep someone from exploding is no way to live. Such behavior is way beyond not being affirmed and appreciated. The eggshell thing really hit it on the nail, as there have been times where it has been like that, in trying to keep things calm so a situation wouldn't escalate.
Author contact1 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 What kind of examples of no emotional support? Do you have anyone else in your life you're currently interested in. I'm just asking because this seems like a rare situation for someone to want to D without anyone else holding their attention. Yes, my secret plot is to runaway with someone I met at school and never look back Why do you say that? Just because a person feels unfulfilled in their marriage doesn't automatically mean there has to be somebody else they're interested in because being interested in themselves is enough. It's called self-love. People just like to try to find drama in any thread made, would be my guess 1
Author contact1 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 My divorce lawyer is the one who advised me to get a voice recorder and hide it. I live in New Jersey. I would have to check, I'm in California myself, but I'm almost positive that they have to be aware of it recording for it to be usable in court.
amaysngrace Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Check on it then. In the meantime if she starts going off on you and throws things at you or breaks anything on purpose get pictures. Pictures are admissible in court for certain.
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