contact1 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 A quick synopsis of my life for those unfamiliar with my story Currently married with one child. About to finish my schooling in where I will be entering a career starting close to six figure income and going well beyond that in a few year. Wife has her career who is also close to making that level of income. The "American Dream" of being able to own a home and live comfortably is easily within our grasp. Problems in the marriage itself, having gone worst over time. Biggest for me is the lack of any kind of emotional support from my wife. Starting (or have been rather) to realize how important this is to me. No comfort, no cheering up, no warmness when things are down. Wife fails to acknowledge this, refuses to go to MC, and it's "my problem". To make matters worst, I've come to realize she has a narcissistic personality, always has in fact. I just chose to ignore/overlook it for a long time. I've made another thread on this matter in the marriage forum and had already made the decision of a divorce being the only course left for my own sanity. Despite how well off we would be financially, I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman. The divorce itself has not been set in motion yet, as I want to have my schooling finished with a job for the sake of our child, to be able to provide for them. I won't lie and say I don't have doubts, they cross my mind almost daily. Am I doing the right thing? We could easily go to own our "dream home", what we had discussed for so long now. Am I really ready to throw that all away? Maybe it will get better? But she refuses to see anything is wrong. Am I being stupid? What will divorce bring me, having to go looking for another woman that could provide me the emotional support I need when I am down? Or is that not possible? People in a relationship are suppose to help bring their partner up when they are down, at least that's how I feel it should me, maybe I'm naive in that way. In the end of all this doubt, I can only affirm my decision in that I know deep down inside, I would rather be alone than in this marriage. For my sanity and emotional psych, if it meant being single the rest of my life, I know I would be happier. So I make this post to get the thoughts of others of this situation, and also to hear stories from others, where they may have chosen to end a relationship despite many other aspects of it being well. And maybe I do it just to remind myself why I am doing what I plan to do, to not fall back in being just "OK" with what I am in...
salparadise Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 ...lack of any kind of emotional support from my wife. Starting (or have been rather) to realize how important this is to me. No comfort, no cheering up, no warmness when things are down. Wife fails to acknowledge this, refuses to go to MC, and it's "my problem". To make matters worst, I've come to realize she has a narcissistic personality, always has in fact. I just chose to ignore/overlook it for a long time. No amount of money is going to make the situation tolerable, and the fact that you'll both be making six-figure incomes means that there will be plenty to support your daughter and make a good life on your own. Have you been to counseling on your own? If not, I suggest you do it now; you need clarity of mind before you begin, and you'll benefit from the support, objectivity and self-awareness throughout the process and well into the future. Your daughter will benefit as well (from you being in therapy). Of course, we have no way of knowing if your wife actually has NPD (labels don't matter) or if it's just the way it seems to you due to circumstances, but... if she does, or if she treats you as if she does, then there is no question that you need to get away for your own sanity. And understand that it's not fixable. Do your best to avoid a nasty, hard fought divorce for your daughter's sake. If your wife is NPD then she's likely to be combative and easily triggered. It will be largely up to you to absorb a lot of crap and prevent escalation. But don't give away the farm either... 50/50 on the property and custody. If she agrees maybe it will be fairly easy. It will be to your benefit to get this done, if possible, before you finish school and start making six-figures. She'll still be able to recalculate child support once you're making more, but it's not going to look good if she puts you all the way through school and the second you graduate and start making money you file for divorce... it will look calculated. Definitely go for shared custody (equal) or else you'll end up paying her a third of your income... and because your daughter needs plenty of time with her father and the parent who is not NPD. Yes, I've been there- done that. Don't feel like writing the whole story but everything I said here is based on experience, not merely opinion, from a very similar scenario. 3
bathtub-row Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Go with your instincts. Finish your degree and then finish your marriage. If you don't end it, more and more time will be wasted on this relationship. Your wife will not change, and things will not get better. While I'm a big advocate of money and having lots of it, all the money in the world will not fix being miserable with someone. 1
littleblackheart Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Studies and marital difficulties don't gel very well in my experience, and one can have a very bad effect on the other (chicken and egg situation). I'd advise to tend to what is your priority first, and discard any issues of money or custody at this point in time. Going through a divorce whilst studying is a nightmare and the emotional turmoil, practical considerations and all paperwork involved will take a lot of time away from your studies - a lot more than you think. If you've reached crisis point to the point where it's impacting on your schooling, if you have explored all other avenues of reconciliation with your wife and if she's fully aware of the situation, if your daughter's welfare is being attended to, then go for divorce but prepare yourself by taking time out from your studies, if that's at all possible. If you think all of this can wait until you finish your studies, then focus on that and leave the marital doubts behind. Just a thought: often times, when you are close to reaching your goals, the cumulated stress and anticipation tend to alter your view on how the situation really is, and make you doubt everything - could it also be that? In any case, you have my thoughts. 1
Gloria25 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I say buy a Dr. Laura Book - "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and see if she reads it. Also, try counseling. Try sitting her down and laying out to her that you didn't sign up for the lack of affection/attention and w/o that you two are roommates - no matter how much money you two are gonna make. I mean, you guys have a kid. I suggest trying to work it out all you can before you call it quits. Yes, kids are resistant and all that, but they'd prefer an intact home rather than visitations and re-marriages. The family is that kid's "nest" and imagine your nest being ripped apart. But really, can you just stick it out till the kids are 18 and out? Keep yourself busy with work, hobbies, sports or whatever? Cuz, I mean we put on a good face for our employers, I don't get why people won't try/do the same in putting on a good face with the spouse for the sake of keeping the marriage together for the kids? BTW, Dr. Laura (again) was talking about that on my old podcasts this week. How after the kids the women just put the guy on the back-burner. I still am working on the mystery as to why women do that. 4
Imported Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Do you think your long time of being able to overlook her behaviour to now not being able to deal with it and you nearing completion of your degree and being able to make your own 6+ figure salary have something to do with each other? I ask because you seem to be painting a very bad picture of your wife and laying all the blame on her while trying to appear innocent of everything. How have you been contributing to the marriage while she worked and you went to school? Was she just the stepping stone for you getting ahead? I also agree you should end the marriage. More so for your wife than for you though. 2
salparadise Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 But really, can you just stick it out till the kids are 18 and out? Keep yourself busy with work, hobbies, sports or whatever? I don't get why people won't try/do the same in putting on a good face with the spouse for the sake of keeping the marriage together for the kids? Wife fails to acknowledge this, refuses to go to MC, and it's "my problem". To make matters worst, I've come to realize she has a narcissistic personality, always has in fact. I just chose to ignore/overlook it for a long time. ...already made the decision of a divorce being the only course left for my own sanity. Despite how well off we would be financially, I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman.. He's saying in language that's not difficult to understand that the marriage is dead, that she has refused to go to marriage counseling, and that he believes she is personality disordered. It doesn't seem fixable based on the information we've been given. And holding it together for the kids isn't really doing the kids any favors... unless both are actively working on the marriage. Life is too precious to spend it chained to someone who doesn't give any support or appreciation. If it's going to end in divorce anyway, the sooner you get it done the sooner you can start to heal and begin anew. It's better for the kids to see the parents separate and thriving than together and miserable.
Tiger Lily Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Has your wife been financially supporting you for a long time while you study? Did your wife have a child, who she is also supporting? Despite the feminist movement, I think, ultimately, women have a hard time being the primary breadwinners, especially when a child is involved. I imagine it's wrecked some havoc on your wife's own emotional state, and she probably has less to give to you. It seems like you are both stressed. Hope you can make it through this rough patch. My advice: Are you really going to be thinking about your fancy home on your death bed? Wouldn't you rather remember a happy marriage and children? I don't recommend divorce. You'll most likely pick another partner with her own emotional challenges. And it wouldn't be fair, now that you're about to become a self-sufficient partner (finally).
Gloria25 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) He's saying in language that's not difficult to understand that the marriage is dead, that she has refused to go to marriage counseling, and that he believes she is personality disordered. It doesn't seem fixable based on the information we've been given. And holding it together for the kids isn't really doing the kids any favors... unless both are actively working on the marriage. Life is too precious to spend it chained to someone who doesn't give any support or appreciation. If it's going to end in divorce anyway, the sooner you get it done the sooner you can start to heal and begin anew. It's better for the kids to see the parents separate and thriving than together and miserable. Well, I don't get it here....people just don't turn into pumpkins after you put a ring on their finger. Their personality and/or red flags should have shined through if you took the time to date/know them well before marrying them. That's why IMO, people shouldn't get married till they are in a place where they can handle the demands of a marriage (finances, kids), cuz like Imported mentioned, maybe this is a case of the OP wanting an "upgrade" now that he's finishing college and getting a career. Also, IMO, people shouldn't rush to have kids when they get married...cuz, while people don't normally turn into pumpkins after you put a ring on their finger, there's a shift in mentality once it's "official". Now, so about 3 years nurturing the "marriage" would be good to do before you bring kids into the picture...so, if your spouse wants to turn into a pumpkin now that they "got ya", you can see it before kids are in the picture. Edited January 24, 2015 by Gloria25
Author contact1 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Thanks for all the replies everyone, I will try to address them all. No amount of money is going to make the situation tolerable, and the fact that you'll both be making six-figure incomes means that there will be plenty to support your daughter and make a good life on your own. Have you been to counseling on your own? If not, I suggest you do it now; you need clarity of mind before you begin, and you'll benefit from the support, objectivity and self-awareness throughout the process and well into the future. Your daughter will benefit as well (from you being in therapy). Haha firstly we have a son, not daughter, just to clarify that Don't think I said daughter or her/she, but if I did, that would have been a typo on my part. As far as therapy yes, I have been going on my own. And despite how much I have plead for her to come with me, and even saying that I need her to come because it could mean the end of our marriage (last time I attempted to get her to go) if this doesn't get resolved, she still refused and stuck with the "it is your problem" stand. Of course, we have no way of knowing if your wife actually has NPD (labels don't matter) or if it's just the way it seems to you due to circumstances, but... if she does, or if she treats you as if she does, then there is no question that you need to get away for your own sanity. And understand that it's not fixable. Do your best to avoid a nasty, hard fought divorce for your daughter's sake. If your wife is NPD then she's likely to be combative and easily triggered. It will be largely up to you to absorb a lot of crap and prevent escalation. But don't give away the farm either... 50/50 on the property and custody. If she agrees maybe it will be fairly easy. It will be to your benefit to get this done, if possible, before you finish school and start making six-figures. She'll still be able to recalculate child support once you're making more, but it's not going to look good if she puts you all the way through school and the second you graduate and start making money you file for divorce... it will look calculated. Definitely go for shared custody (equal) or else you'll end up paying her a third of your income... and because your daughter needs plenty of time with her father and the parent who is not NPD. Yes, I've been there- done that. Don't feel like writing the whole story but everything I said here is based on experience, not merely opinion, from a very similar scenario. Yes, I've come to the realization that it really is not fixable, because it is in her character. Whether or not she really has the BPD doesn't matter, like you said, it's her behavior that stands out and the repeated occurrence of it. I agree in that having a 50/50 custody is important, to be apart of my child's life. However I know also that she is a very good mother, and I'm not out here to call her the most horrible wife in existence, she has good qualities as a person also. But as you said, for my sanity, I can't continue this. And yes it would look calculated, but it is now, for the best situation of my child. I think I should clear up a bit that the situation isn't where she works and I just go to school, I work also while in school, and we both watch over our child. The amount of parental time is a bit more on my side, as I currently have a much more flexible schedule. Go with your instincts. Finish your degree and then finish your marriage. If you don't end it, more and more time will be wasted on this relationship. Your wife will not change, and things will not get better. While I'm a big advocate of money and having lots of it, all the money in the world will not fix being miserable with someone. Agreed, and honestly, I would be perfectly fine shacked up in a loft with a few things, I have very little material needs. Studies and marital difficulties don't gel very well in my experience, and one can have a very bad effect on the other (chicken and egg situation). I'd advise to tend to what is your priority first, and discard any issues of money or custody at this point in time. Going through a divorce whilst studying is a nightmare and the emotional turmoil, practical considerations and all paperwork involved will take a lot of time away from your studies - a lot more than you think. If you've reached crisis point to the point where it's impacting on your schooling, if you have explored all other avenues of reconciliation with your wife and if she's fully aware of the situation, if your daughter's welfare is being attended to, then go for divorce but prepare yourself by taking time out from your studies, if that's at all possible. If you think all of this can wait until you finish your studies, then focus on that and leave the marital doubts behind. I agree that the best situation is to be patient until the studies are done. Trying to do a divorce, while studying, working, and attending to our child would just be a mess, not to mention that when the divorce does happen, I want to have as much time to do damage control for the sake of our son. Just a thought: often times, when you are close to reaching your goals, the cumulated stress and anticipation tend to alter your view on how the situation really is, and make you doubt everything - could it also be that? In any case, you have my thoughts. Yes it is and in fact the very thing that opened my eyes to the lack of emotional support. I had sensed the coldness before, but took it as I can get through it on my own type approach. When things started to get really bad and I would look for some support or just try to talk about it, she would either just stare, say "I don't know what to tell you" or turn it about herself and go on for an hour. And I get that it is hard for her also, and everyday she is venting or complaining about things. I do my best to listen and hear her out, but day after day and than when I need the support, I don't get it, I just can't take it. I have been able to find some relieve through going to a therapist on my own and also in learning mediation techniques, but honestly, if that is the only way I can find peace of mind, what's the point of this marriage? We're just roommates at this point. I say buy a Dr. Laura Book - "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and see if she reads it. Also, try counseling. Try sitting her down and laying out to her that you didn't sign up for the lack of affection/attention and w/o that you two are roommates - no matter how much money you two are gonna make. LOL that's so funny, because she does have this book. She use to listen to Dr. Laura some years back and I had gotten her this book. As far as I know she never finished it and nothing seemed to have changed when she had read it. The MC thing, I have tried every possible way to discuss it with her, she won't go. Her view is that my stress is my problem, and that I have to find a way to solve it. I mean, you guys have a kid. I suggest trying to work it out all you can before you call it quits. Yes, kids are resistant and all that, but they'd prefer an intact home rather than visitations and re-marriages. The family is that kid's "nest" and imagine your nest being ripped apart. But really, can you just stick it out till the kids are 18 and out? Keep yourself busy with work, hobbies, sports or whatever? Cuz, I mean we put on a good face for our employers, I don't get why people won't try/do the same in putting on a good face with the spouse for the sake of keeping the marriage together for the kids? Stick it out for another 15 years? No, no way I can just stay in this marriage for 15 years for the "sake of the child". And if anything, it would do more damage to our child being in a bitter, resentful marriage for so long. BTW, Dr. Laura (again) was talking about that on my old podcasts this week. How after the kids the women just put the guy on the back-burner. I still am working on the mystery as to why women do that. Heh, I wouldn't know the answer to this either. Do you think your long time of being able to overlook her behaviour to now not being able to deal with it and you nearing completion of your degree and being able to make your own 6+ figure salary have something to do with each other? No, I have been able to fully support myself during my schooling before even being with my wife. The reason behind overlooking the behavior is in me thinking I would still be okay with it, because she does have a lot of other good qualities. It is as of late I am starting to realize that I can not go through this for the rest of my life, and her refusal to try to do anything for it, for the sake of our marriage, seals the decision for me. I ask because you seem to be painting a very bad picture of your wife and laying all the blame on her while trying to appear innocent of everything. How have you been contributing to the marriage while she worked and you went to school? Was she just the stepping stone for you getting ahead? I fail to see the notion of everything being her fault and I being innocent in everything, when "everything" was not discussed in this thread, that's more of your assumption. As far as contributing to the marriage, not even sure how to answer that, in regards to her, our child, everything, housework? If you are getting the notion I just go to school and do nothing else, that is far from the case. I also work as does she, watch over our child as does she, though parental watching does fall a bit more on me than her. I cook dinners just like she does, I take out the trash and maintain the outside of the home, just as she cleans the inside. Time together are planned, etc. I could go on but the point is both of us do things in the marriage. As I stated before, she does have other qualities that do make for a good wife and partner, it is not so black and white in that she does nothing, or that I am saying she does nothing at all but make my life miserable. But the lack of that emotional connection, I can not live with for the rest of my life, despite how good she may be in other aspects. And her refusal to even try MC together just makes it my only course of action. I also agree you should end the marriage. More so for your wife than for you though. It's nice to try to stir up hornet's nest, and to just make leaps of assumption of a situation, rather than inquire more on it.
salparadise Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Well, I don't get it here....people just don't turn into pumpkins after you put a ring on their finger. Their personality and/or red flags should have shined through if you took the time to date/know them well before marrying them. That's why IMO, people shouldn't get married till they are in a place where they can handle the demands of a marriage (finances, kids), cuz like Imported mentioned, maybe this is a case of the OP wanting an "upgrade" now that he's finishing college and getting a career. Also, IMO, people shouldn't rush to have kids when they get married...cuz, while people don't normally turn into pumpkins after you put a ring on their finger, there's a shift in mentality once it's "official". Now, so about 3 years nurturing the "marriage" would be good to do before you bring kids into the picture...so, if your spouse wants to turn into a pumpkin now that they "got ya", you can see it before kids are in the picture. Interesting thought process. I must've missed the part where he asked if he should've married and had a kid with this woman. Don't you think perhaps that you should've enlightened him several years ago?
amaysngrace Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 People don't change. Who she is now is who she will most likely stay being especially because she doesn't think she has a problem. Living with a narcissist makes you doubt yourself. It's a very common side effect. You will get done whatever you set your mind up to do. If you plan to finish college you will. If you plan to own a home you will. I was in a much better financial place when I was married. Isn't everybody? But there are some things that are more important than money. Personal well-being is at the top of that list. 2
Author contact1 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Has your wife been financially supporting you for a long time while you study? Did your wife have a child, who she is also supporting? She does make more money than I do, however I was self-sufficient prior and could have paid my own way through school. She does not have any other children, just the one with me. Despite the feminist movement, I think, ultimately, women have a hard time being the primary breadwinners, especially when a child is involved. I imagine it's wrecked some havoc on your wife's own emotional state, and she probably has less to give to you. It could be, however I think it is important to bring up in regards to that point, back when we were dating, I use to have a strong stance of not wanting to go into a marriage or have a child until I was done with my career. She had pressed on and convinced me otherwise on the matter, in the marriage, well honestly I can't even remember what exactly she had said to making me change my mind on the marriage anymore. For the child she stressed the increased risks of having a child at an older age, so we had our child shortly after being married. And the kicker to the whole child situation that really made me snap inside? In one of our arguments, she said "Well obviously you were not ready for children yet, you shouldn't have wanted to have one so soon in the marriage" I don't want to get further in that, makes my blood boil whenever I think about that day. It seems like you are both stressed. Hope you can make it through this rough patch. My advice: Are you really going to be thinking about your fancy home on your death bed? Wouldn't you rather remember a happy marriage and children? I don't recommend divorce. You'll most likely pick another partner with her own emotional challenges. And it wouldn't be fair, now that you're about to become a self-sufficient partner (finally). I agree that I would want to be in a happy marriage for our child(or children) in the future. But she is so dead set in not wanting to even try to address the situation, no matter how I plead, ask, bring up, etc. She just doesn't "get it", how important that kind of support is
Author contact1 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Well, I don't get it here....people just don't turn into pumpkins after you put a ring on their finger. Their personality and/or red flags should have shined through if you took the time to date/know them well before marrying them. I agree, and it was there, at the time though I thought it was something I would be okay with, that her other good qualities would outweigh it. That's why IMO, people shouldn't get married till they are in a place where they can handle the demands of a marriage (finances, kids), cuz like Imported mentioned, maybe this is a case of the OP wanting an "upgrade" now that he's finishing college and getting a career. Agreed with the part of the marriage timing, it would have been best to wait till I was done with my schooling, and had that stance before, as mentioned in my last post. However this isn't me in trying to "upgrade", it is a lack of something I do need, and my wife will not acknowledge it. Trying to find someone else is the furthest thing in my mind at this time. Also, IMO, people shouldn't rush to have kids when they get married...cuz, while people don't normally turn into pumpkins after you put a ring on their finger, there's a shift in mentality once it's "official". Now, so about 3 years nurturing the "marriage" would be good to do before you bring kids into the picture...so, if your spouse wants to turn into a pumpkin now that they "got ya", you can see it before kids are in the picture. Haha, agreed also and just repeats what I said in the last post. Not sure about the whole pumpkin thing, could be possible, never thought about it, though from what I remember, my wife has always been like this.
Jessie1231 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 What you're going through sounds a lot like what my ex-boyfriend went through when his marriage ended. From what he told me, he thought the world of her and they were very good friends. They had two kids and he wanted to make things work for them. He and his wife did get along, but there wasn't any kind of romantic chemistry there. They went years without having sex, they both sort of gave up on it. He said she was sort of emotionally supportive, but in the way a friend is, not the way he thought a wife would be. He said he was no better really because it seemed they both lost interest in figuring out how to be a married couple not long after they married. He earned a lot of money, and he knew if they divorced he would be giving her half of everything or maybe more - she hadn't worked during the marriage. He worried about funding their separate lives as they both enjoyed really nice things (travel, cars, etc). Eventually she had an affair which was the breaking point, and they weren't able to move past that and he decided to leave. Of course he was scared at first, but he said that once he did it he realized that he had a whole life ahead of him that he was excited about. They split up very amicably, and while their marriage was amicable in that they hardly ever argued, he said he was excited about the idea of his kids seeing him happy finally instead of seeing him in a loveless marriage. He ended up paying her half of his income monthly, but he said it didn't feel bad since he knew it was going towards supporting his kids. My point is that he was worried mainly because of the financial part of it and because of hurting his kids. He said after he left he realized that as long as he made sure the kids were doing ok with it, the money part ended up not being a very big deal at all. It sounds like you and your wife are each able to support yourselves independently, so I don't think the financial part of divorcing will be as hard as you think.
StanMusial Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Better to live on a corner of the roof... 1
Tiger Lily Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) It could be, however I think it is important to bring up in regards to that point, back when we were dating, I use to have a strong stance of not wanting to go into a marriage or have a child until I was done with my career. She had pressed on and convinced me otherwise on the matter, in the marriage, well honestly I can't even remember what exactly she had said to making me change my mind on the marriage anymore. For the child she stressed the increased risks of having a child at an older age, so we had our child shortly after being married. And the kicker to the whole child situation that really made me snap inside? In one of our arguments, she said "Well obviously you were not ready for children yet, you shouldn't have wanted to have one so soon in the marriage" I don't want to get further in that, makes my blood boil whenever I think about that day. I agree that I would want to be in a happy marriage for our child(or children) in the future. But she is so dead set in not wanting to even try to address the situation, no matter how I plead, ask, bring up, etc. She just doesn't "get it", how important that kind of support is Throwing the having-a-kid-early thing back in your face was very immature on her part . In no way I'm saying your wife is faultless. But the biological clock is a very real thing. Us women really don't have eons to have kids the way men do, and there truly does exist this primal urge to have kids at a certain point. At the end of the day though, you did make vows. And divorce won't really solve your problems in the long run, imo. Sorry for your pain OP. But congrats on the near-completion of your degree . Better to live on a corner of the roof... That's one part of the bible that can bug me sometimes, and seems a little biased as it's so dominated by male authors. They really need the proverb about how it's better to live alone (on a corner of a roof) than live with a man who won't pull his own weight. (OP -- this comment is not directed to you! Just in general, women have problems with their men too, but Proverbs seems to go on about nagging wives a little too much, imo ) Edited January 24, 2015 by Tiger Lily
Author contact1 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 What you're going through sounds a lot like what my ex-boyfriend went through when his marriage ended. From what he told me, he thought the world of her and they were very good friends. They had two kids and he wanted to make things work for them. He and his wife did get along, but there wasn't any kind of romantic chemistry there. They went years without having sex, they both sort of gave up on it. He said she was sort of emotionally supportive, but in the way a friend is, not the way he thought a wife would be. He said he was no better really because it seemed they both lost interest in figuring out how to be a married couple not long after they married. He earned a lot of money, and he knew if they divorced he would be giving her half of everything or maybe more - she hadn't worked during the marriage. He worried about funding their separate lives as they both enjoyed really nice things (travel, cars, etc). Eventually she had an affair which was the breaking point, and they weren't able to move past that and he decided to leave. Of course he was scared at first, but he said that once he did it he realized that he had a whole life ahead of him that he was excited about. They split up very amicably, and while their marriage was amicable in that they hardly ever argued, he said he was excited about the idea of his kids seeing him happy finally instead of seeing him in a loveless marriage. He ended up paying her half of his income monthly, but he said it didn't feel bad since he knew it was going towards supporting his kids. My point is that he was worried mainly because of the financial part of it and because of hurting his kids. He said after he left he realized that as long as he made sure the kids were doing ok with it, the money part ended up not being a very big deal at all. It sounds like you and your wife are each able to support yourselves independently, so I don't think the financial part of divorcing will be as hard as you think. The income part doesn't worry me too much, as your ex-bf said, the money is going to the kids, that's how I would see it also. It's more of a reflection of what could be if we stayed together and what it would be separated. The part of being able to just be happy rather than a loveless marriage is what I am hoping will be the result of all of this. It's just a scary notion, the thought of going to a divorce. I have no idea how she will react and if it will be amicable or some long, thrown out mud slinging fight, with our child being thrown in the middle of everything. The latter is what I want to avoid at all cost, he doesn't need any additional stress and confusion when the divorce does take place.
Author contact1 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Throwing the having-a-kid-early thing back in your face was very immature on her part . In no way I'm saying your wife is faultless. But the biological clock is a very real thing. Us women really don't have eons to have kids the way men do, and there truly does exist this primal urge to have kids at a certain point. At the end of the day though, you did make vows. And divorce won't really solve your problems in the long run, imo. Sorry for your pain OP. But congrats on the near-completion of your degree . Yea that was honestly the last blow when I seriously started contemplating divorce. Oh I get the whole biological clock, I've taken several course in relation to the medical field back when I had plans to become a doctor. As far as what would divorce solve or if it will make things better, even that I don't know, only that I know this isn't what I want. That's one part of the bible that can bug me sometimes, and seems a little biased as it's so dominated by male authors. They really need the proverb about how it's better to live alone (on a corner of a roof) than live with a man who won't pull his own weight. (OP -- this comment is not directed to you! Just in general, women have problems with their men too, but Proverbs seems to go on about nagging wives a little too much, imo ) Haha true, I've never even heard of this proverb till now.
Radu Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Sounds like my cousin's ex-wife; i wouldn't call her narcissistic since she doesn't sound full blown or whatever, but she does sound incredibly self-involved to the point that she can't empathise with even her own husband's situation. This also reminds me of some of my ex's since i looked for emotional strength and i found women like these ... ice-princesses as i liked to call them. So now, for me a major test is weather or not they have empathy for others. Does your wife have empathy for others ? 1
loveboid Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Once a upon a time I lived with selfish people. They chose money over family. When I was down, they were the first to kick me away. When I was up, they were the first to take what I had earned. One day, I realized I didn't need them and left them. I lived happily every after. Some people really are selfish and mean and they will be like this until they die. They could have all the money and kindness given to them and they will still be selfish and mean. These are dangerous people in that they have intimate access to you when you are hurt and they will quickly take advantage of their proximity to strike and hurt you more. It is an illusion that they are there for you. The reality is only that you are there for them. You have my blessings to leave this woman for what it's worth. Men get bashed for leaving but sometimes it's the right thing to do. 1
still_an_Angel Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I understand your position with regards to being able to achieve the financial position that you will have with your W once you start earning the 6-figure income. It will benefit you both and your son, and this is what you both have been working for while you completed your studies. As someone having lost so much financially, materially, etc during my separation, I see your hesitation in this regard. After all, I have all my kids in my care so I know first hand how difficult this is. And yes I struggle to the back of my a** financially. But you won't be, you'll be making that 6-figure income and with only one child, surely this amount of income is enough to live on? There is no amount of money and financial stability that can compensate for your peace of mind and finding happiness in yourself (or with someone who can offer you the emotional support that you need). Think hard about this, if this is really what you want, then do what you have to do. Your son will benefit having 2 happy parents rather living in a house where emotional tension exists.
bathtub-row Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 A 50/50 split with the kid may be ok in terms of legal rights, but I don't think a kid's time should be split that way between parents unless you live down the street from one another. Just my thoughts.
Author contact1 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 Sounds like my cousin's ex-wife; i wouldn't call her narcissistic since she doesn't sound full blown or whatever, but she does sound incredibly self-involved to the point that she can't empathise with even her own husband's situation. This also reminds me of some of my ex's since i looked for emotional strength and i found women like these ... ice-princesses as i liked to call them. So now, for me a major test is weather or not they have empathy for others. Does your wife have empathy for others ? Hmm it's really hard to say. In her line of work, empathy and caring does play a big role, though I have never actually seen her work so I can't say to what degree it is there. But from my understanding, she is very good at her job and does get praised for her work. Outside of that, I don't know honestly. Sometimes she may be, other times she can be really cold. There is no consistency if you get what I mean, with the exception of myself, but that's more noticeable since I am there heh.
Author contact1 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 I understand your position with regards to being able to achieve the financial position that you will have with your W once you start earning the 6-figure income. It will benefit you both and your son, and this is what you both have been working for while you completed your studies. As someone having lost so much financially, materially, etc during my separation, I see your hesitation in this regard. After all, I have all my kids in my care so I know first hand how difficult this is. And yes I struggle to the back of my a** financially. But you won't be, you'll be making that 6-figure income and with only one child, surely this amount of income is enough to live on? There is no amount of money and financial stability that can compensate for your peace of mind and finding happiness in yourself (or with someone who can offer you the emotional support that you need). Think hard about this, if this is really what you want, then do what you have to do. Your son will benefit having 2 happy parents rather living in a house where emotional tension exists. Right, that level income is WAY more than enough, heck I could easily live off of 40k a year and be happy with that, while supporting my child. And that it is how I see it, for our son, it would be better for both parents to be happy if separated, than staying together with resentment. Though it still worries me when the day comes that I do tell her about the divorce. There have been a few arguments in where she has thrown something at me in anger, a remote control, cell phone, plate of food, the last one I remember a few years back was a bowl of peaches, the bowl didn't get tossed at me, rather the peaches themselves were thrown in my face. Each time I would have to remove myself from the room to not end up doing something really stupid on my part. In any case, that type of behavior worries me when the day does come. But it will be quite a while before that happens, so I have some time to figure the best way to handle it.
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