sfbvarela Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I've been with my ex for about 2 years and 10 months before we finally legitimately broke it off. We met back in junior year high school and we were really high school sweethearts. We were admired by a lot of our peers and were considered like a "model relationship" from where they base a good relationship. We went through it all and we really had good times. Our relatives know about us and it felt like she was the one. In the early parts of our relationship we were immature and we fought just about the smallest of things. But we matured and we grew up as individual persons together. We chose and currently we are in the same college(which is really hard for me right now) As the relationship lengthened, we both felt that it was starting to decline, and after one big fight, she ended it. 2 years and 10 months. After 1 month of NC, (October 2014), I contacted her. We ate together and really had a good time, something we both thought we had not felt in a really long time. After this "date" as friends, we started becoming FUBU or FWB (BAD IDEA WITH AND EX), and we had a deal to not fall in love again. Obviously, the inevitable happened, and we started "falling in love" again, or maybe what we thought was love. It was like the feeling when you're just starting a relationship. We felt like we were back at the prime of our relationship. Then things started to decline again and just about 2 weeks ago, she called it off. I was shocked because it was so sudden, because out of nowhere she just said she "loves me but is not in love with me". I already knew that, and i feel like i also had the same feelings for her, that I was just used to being with her. So after 1 week of NC, I talked to her just as a friend. Everything was going fine until she mentioned that she had been seeing this guy just 1 week after she called it off, whom she met December 2014, but did not really entertain because we were "together". That's basically the timeline of our relationship. Now my ex and I were the kind of people who were awkward with other people. We drink with friends and but we were not the type to party like really party. We were the sit-down drinkers, just plain talk with friends. I'm also not the "cool dude" but I wouldn't say I was a loser as well, I'm just the average nice guy I would say, which really matched her personality because she was the same. Now, this guy she had been seeing is the "cool guy", the "douchey" kind of guy, and I know this guy since high school. He's the type who knows his way around the bar with girls. She told me that a lot of her friends told her that this guy was a no no, and in that one day we met, I constantly kept on telling her not to entertain the guy, to the point that I even said I was willing to set her up with some of my friends. Just anyone not that guy. She has an idea of who this guy is but she seems blinded. I thought I had moved on, but just to know that they are dating makes my heart ache. She seems to care about me and my advises when we were with each other in person but when we talk in text or on phone she seems to not give a $h1t at all. I've been going out again and meeting girls in bars but it only kills the heart ache for the mean time, but when I'm already alone, all I can think about is her and our times together, and how she moved on so fast, how she seems to not care about me, how she seems so blinded by that guy. No matter how drunk I get when going out in bars, when I go home, my eyes want to sleep already but I can't, since the thought of her makes my heart beat really fast, so I can't sleep. It just hurts so badly, this is the first time I felt something like this. I really thought she was the one, and up to now I still can't believe we're done. I'm even tearing up just writing this whole story, I don't even know if writing this is healthy for me since I'm inviting more memories. But I really need advise. All my friends tell me to just move on, they invite me to go with them all the time to meet other girls, and that it will get better with time. But after constant nights of drinking, hanging out with them, it's all just some temporary solution to this seemingly permanent pain. Just for cultural context, we're Filipinos. But any advise from your own experiences will greatly help me.
LovelyDaze Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 It just hurts so badly, this is the first time I felt something like this. I really thought she was the one, and up to now I still can't believe we're done. I'm even tearing up just writing this whole story, I don't even know if writing this is healthy for me since I'm inviting more memories. But I really need advise. All my friends tell me to just move on, they invite me to go with them all the time to meet other girls, and that it will get better with time. But after constant nights of drinking, hanging out with them, it's all just some temporary solution to this seemingly permanent pain. Heartbreak takes time to recover. There is no going around it, just right THROUGH it. You shouldn't worry about your ex in the sense of any new relationship she has now. Especially I wouldn't set her up with a friend as you have suggested because you know and I know you don't want that. You want her back. Be honest with yourself. Now, if you think to be honest with yourself about that then the best advice I can give is NC(No Contact). From what you said, I have a feeling your ex will contact you first and fairly sooner than you think if you did go NC. If that DOES occur? You would have to use your head and past(negative) experiences to know how genuine her intentions are. Just remember that if you do contact her and/or reconcile so soon before resolving any serious issues that brought you two to break up in the first place, just be set to feel the way you do right now...again.
Light Breeze Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 You have to understand that her behavior (i.e. going out with someone suddenly after she breaks it off with you the second time as FWB) is really not quite surprising. You assume that she has the same feelings as you do right now, but the truth is, she checked out of this relationship a long time ago. You, being FWB, is probably her way of getting her physical needs satiated until she finds someone she would feel those butterfly thingies again, which she did by the way. You were wondering then why did you had the same feelings (bf-gf)while you were FWB? It's probably because sex does that to our brain, but after the effects, it's back to same old ILYBNILWY speech. Also, you are both young (early 20's I assume?). Quite normal that highschool romances don't survive college most of the time. You know, new environment, guys, friends, excitement etc. Going out and drinking your brain cells dry is not helpful in my experience. Aside from it doesn't mend heartache, you're also at risk of being arrested for unruly behavior, or worst figure out in an accident. The best thing you can do ime, is that, you grieve and heal. Time certainly does wonders in terms of healing heartbreaks but while waiting for its magic, distract yourself by: Finding yourself new activities, hobbies, learn to play the flute or whatever. Go to the gym, I'm pretty sure you'll drain All those negative thoughts while your bench pressing twice your body weight, plus you'll look damn good. Go out with family. Most importantly NC, NC, NC. You're young, and there is someone else in the future for you.
Author sfbvarela Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) Thank you. I do want her back and NC for 1 month worked for me for the first time to get her back but I don't know if it will work for me now(in terms of getting her back). I started going to the gym again, but I just suck in almost anything I do. My grades in school are all going south. I can't concentrate on almost anything at all. The fact that I'm even here for support and that she's well and doing fine like nothing happened all the more make me feel horrible. I know this guy's got moves and I'm the first and only boyfriend she had and the first and only one she had ever sex with and my mind always plays games with me creating illusions that they're doing it and it really breaks me even more. I can't stop my mind from making all these illusions no matter how hard I distract myself. It's really hard for me. I find all sorts of things to do, but it just doesn't seem to help. I know NC, hobbies and time will help but I just can't seem to take her off my mind, especially knowing that the guy's just going to hurt her too and she can't see it. Also @LovelyDaze, how can you say that she's going to contact me when she's fine and doing so well it seems like she has no need for me Edited January 24, 2015 by sfbvarela
Author sfbvarela Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 I know I sound immature, and I'm not usually like this. But it's really turning me crazy
Light Breeze Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) Again, NC is a tool for healing and moving on. It is not used to manipulate your ex to jump back in your arms. Yes, you had her back the first time but it doesn't always work that way, especially now that she's in a new relationship. Chances are, she's so blinded by this new guy and the honeymoon phase, that she isn't really thinking about you. You are worried about her being hurt by this guy? Well, she isn't your responsibility anymore. Dude, it's time to think about yourself now. I know it's hard, I've been in that place (early weeks after BU), but I'm telling you, it gets better. Do NC, and Love yourself, vent here if it's too much to bear, people here wanna help. Just remember, she left you and is now dating another guy. It was a decision she made and you should respect that. She moved on and so should you. Brother, you deserve your happiness too. Edited January 24, 2015 by Light Breeze
LovelyDaze Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Also @LovelyDaze, how can you say that she's going to contact me when she's fine and doing so well it seems like she has no need for me Because you have been FWB before meaning it can be in option in your ex's mind whether she said so or not. It may SEEM she is doing great but looks are always deceiving. There are people right here on LS who assumed their relationships were going great until they were dumped out of nowhere. Your ex could contact you anytime. It truly happens.
Author sfbvarela Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Thank you so much. I'm letting her go. I just gave her a long "letting go" message, I couldn't do it on the phone or in person since i can't bare to hear her voice or see her. I don't know if what I did(messaging her) was right, but it's the only thing I know. I just really feel like ****. I've been crying all day, like one of those post-party depressions which is intensified by this break up. If she comes back, she comes back, If she doesn't, then fine. I really feel like **** today haha
LovelyDaze Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Thank you so much. I'm letting her go. I just gave her a long "letting go" message, I couldn't do it on the phone or in person since i can't bare to hear her voice or see her. I don't know if what I did(messaging her) was right, but it's the only thing I know. I just really feel like ****. I've been crying all day, like one of those post-party depressions which is intensified by this break up. If she comes back, she comes back, If she doesn't, then fine. I really feel like **** today haha You're doing great. If that "letting go" message allowed you to release some hurt off your shoulders then that is good. Glad you plan to go NC. Give your heart and soul a chance to heal and rest up. MANY of us can tell you that we know the heartache all to well. I wanted the earth to just stop. I wasn't sure if I wanted my ex to feel the same heartache or just take the pain away and be the same person I THOUGHT he was and we be in love again. I wanted to throw the pain into a jar and throw it into the garbage so I could just feel normal. It's more than tough. Show this heartache what you're made of and ram through it like a NFL running back! One small step in front of the other. You'll see
Author sfbvarela Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 It actually allowed me to release at least some. It's funny because I go to the gym, train different kinds of combat sports and do a lot of manly things, and then here I am crying because of her haha! Just have one question though... It's her birthday on Jan 26, are birthdays and occasions like Christmas etc exempted from NC? Obviously I shouldn't give her a gift. But should I greet her a simple happy birthday?
LovelyDaze Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) It actually allowed me to release at least some. It's funny because I go to the gym, train different kinds of combat sports and do a lot of manly things, and then here I am crying because of her haha! Just have one question though... It's her birthday on Jan 26, are birthdays and occasions like Christmas etc exempted from NC? Obviously I shouldn't give her a gift. But should I greet her a simple happy birthday? No contact means NO CONTACT and that includes our exes birthdays. I thought I had to restrain myself with handcuffs to an anchor to keep myself from sending my exes a Happy Birthday almost every time and every time I resisted...ALMOST. The one time I broke NC with an ex and sent a birthday message I got NO response and felt like crap. Look above on the original Breaks and Breaking Up Forum for the pinned All New No Contact guide (I think TaraMaiden is the person who posted it). It's really great. On another note, a man who cries IS a real man! The fact that men on here admit they feel the way they feel is bittersweet in a thread like this because it says that there ARE good men out there who want a love with someone great who wants the same. Edited January 24, 2015 by LovelyDaze
Author sfbvarela Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Wow. You're really cutting straight through me. Will read it. Thank you thank you thank you! This really helped me A LOT, at first I was really hesitant about NC but this really helped. Thank you! 1
Author sfbvarela Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 4th day of NC and im dying to contact her!!! Her number's not on my phone but it's in my head! What do i do!!! I literally think of her about every second of every day. Literally. Even when im distracting myself.
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