questionsforthenouns Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I've tried to write my story about 3 times now and every time it comes out wrong. Not because I'm not being truthful, or that the writing is bad, it's because I know what everybody's answer is going to be. "Go NC." "Forget her. NC NC NC." My ex gf made a lot of mistakes and treated me like crap along the way. But she loved me and I loved her and we tried to make it work. Now she is off "trying to align herself" and "spending time trying to find who she is and become a better person for me" and there is no closure. I have no idea when, or if, she will contact me. And honestly, I am surprised I am this upset about all this. But I am. I haven't been taking care of myself. All this has given me a ton of anxiety, so I'm not eating and sleeping right, and I've been drinking a lot and finding difficulty in completing even the most simple daily tasks. I just need some reassurance about all this. I am finding it extremely hard to accept the doctrine of NC. Maybe you guys could offer some wisdom. Thank you
Pier Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I'll go against the grain. Keep doing whatever you're doing now to cope. Whether its hanging on to hope...or breadcrumbs. ..memories. Whatever it is. When you've HAD ENOUGH PAIN, all by yourself, you'll know when that is, you'll do what you need to recover. You already know what you need to do. You're just not ready. When you've had enough pain, you'll stop resisting. 2
BC1980 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I believe in the power of NC to heal you. Right now, you are prolonging your pain and putting off the inevitable. At some point, if you intend to move past where you are now, you've got to go NC. Yes, it's brutal, but it's about long term gain. You're not looking and the big picture right now. You said you are finding it difficult to accept NC, which is nornal for many of us. I was very resistant to NC after my last breakup, but I now swear by it. The reason you find NC difficult to accept is because you find it difficult to accept the finality of the relationship. Unfortunately, you must accept that it's over for good, and NC is a very good way to force yourself to accept it over time. 1
LovelyDaze Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 We all certainly have been there where you are now. Hang on. Do best to not drink too much if it adds on new problems(DUIs, missing work, physical altercations, etc). Of course many of us will recommend NC as you expect. With how long it has been(last fall, correct?), it is the best thing for you so you can start healing your heart and feel amazing about things again. It is always YOUR choice if you want to break NC, if you feel deep down whatever response you get from her will get you what you hoped for. Just be aware, contacting an ex could bring different things: they will give you NO response, a hurtful response, and/or an empty promise they later break putting you back at Square One. 2
Author questionsforthenouns Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 I'll go against the grain. Keep doing whatever you're doing now to cope. Whether its hanging on to hope...or breadcrumbs. ..memories. Whatever it is. When you've HAD ENOUGH PAIN, all by yourself, you'll know when that is, you'll do what you need to recover. You already know what you need to do. You're just not ready. When you've had enough pain, you'll stop resisting. I know what you mean, but I feel like I've already had enough pain and yet I am not quite willing to let go. We had a long, rocky road during our relationship and it was very painful. But I get so absorbed with my own pain. I can't compartmentalize my thoughts so I begin to obsess..god d*mn it. I just want to let go and to have no feelings for her anymore 1
bigtrouble Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I've tried to write my story about 3 times now and every time it comes out wrong. Not because I'm not being truthful, or that the writing is bad, it's because I know what everybody's answer is going to be. "Go NC." "Forget her. NC NC NC." My ex gf made a lot of mistakes and treated me like crap along the way. But she loved me and I loved her and we tried to make it work. Now she is off "trying to align herself" and "spending time trying to find who she is and become a better person for me" and there is no closure. I have no idea when, or if, she will contact me. And honestly, I am surprised I am this upset about all this. But I am. I haven't been taking care of myself. All this has given me a ton of anxiety, so I'm not eating and sleeping right, and I've been drinking a lot and finding difficulty in completing even the most simple daily tasks. I just need some reassurance about all this. I am finding it extremely hard to accept the doctrine of NC. Maybe you guys could offer some wisdom. Thank you Sorry for your loss... I am like you... I could not do NC, I want her back so badly I contact her... for 2 weeks after BU, and I was reading some stuff here... It only pushed her further from me, I get ignored and its the worst feeling ever... Day by day I was getting worst... NC scares me for 2 reasons... She is on NC and wants to forget me... I am afraid she will... If I go NC I will forget her (I am in denial) But I was a wreck couldn't hold a job... depressed, no sleep, can't eat... bills piling up... while she is having the time of her life with a new partner... Heck, I said to myself why am I doing this to myself, she don't care... So I fought it, I no longer have the urge to contact her... But I do miss her like hell, I look at her FB status less and less... I know NC is a bitter pill to swallow... But sooner or later you will grow tired of hoping and chasing... You need to live, you need to love yourself... though I miss her so much... NC is needed for us to heal and improve... I thinks she left me because I am a lesser Man than I was before... Seriously, I don't see her coming back to a Man so broken down... I am taking it slowly, but eventually we all get there... Acceptance.... NC is all about us, it is a way to get us back on our feet... Its you heart and life, you have to decide for yourself... Only you can help you... 3
Author questionsforthenouns Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 We all certainly have been there where you are now. Hang on. Do best to not drink too much if it adds on new problems(DUIs, missing work, physical altercations, etc). Of course many of us will recommend NC as you expect. With how long it has been(last fall, correct?), it is the best thing for you so you can start healing your heart and feel amazing about things again. It is always YOUR choice if you want to break NC, if you feel deep down whatever response you get from her will get you what you hoped for. Just be aware, contacting an ex could bring different things: they will give you NO response, a hurtful response, and/or an empty promise they later break putting you back at Square One. But how do I deal with my emotions? Sometimes I can't see how anybody can handle a break up..the feelings of helplessness to the situation and thinking about them with other people..how does anybody handle it? I feel like my head is gonna explode somtimes
BC1980 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I know what you mean, but I feel like I've already had enough pain and yet I am not quite willing to let go. We had a long, rocky road during our relationship and it was very painful. But I get so absorbed with my own pain. I can't compartmentalize my thoughts so I begin to obsess..god d*mn it. I just want to let go and to have no feelings for her anymore NC is really the only way to emotionally detach from her. It just won't happen otherwise. You will be stuck in an endless cycle of pain if you keep picking at the scab. I know it seems crazy and unrealistic to go NC because I once felt the same way. It's very common to feel that way, but trust me when I say that you can get to a point where you will not have an interest in her anymore. I did it, and many others have done it. We have all felt the depths of your pain, and many have been able to break through this. But you must go NC. Are you willing to consider NC? Are you to that point yet? If not, you might simply have to force yourself to do it because you may never feel ready. 1
bigtrouble Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 But how do I deal with my emotions? Sometimes I can't see how anybody can handle a break up..the feelings of helplessness to the situation and thinking about them with other people..how does anybody handle it? I feel like my head is gonna explode somtimes We all go through, its painful, scary and so lonely... but after a while, it gets less and less... Hang in there it will slowly get better... but you have to help yourself...
BC1980 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 But how do I deal with my emotions? Sometimes I can't see how anybody can handle a break up..the feelings of helplessness to the situation and thinking about them with other people..how does anybody handle it? I feel like my head is gonna explode somtimes You need some outside help. You can't do this on your own. Have you looked into counseling? I just get the feeling from your posts that you need some extra support to help you navigate all of this and channel your recovery into something positive. What about some books to read on grief and breakups? I can give you some suggestions if you are open to them.
texxxxas Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 But how do I deal with my emotions? Sometimes I can't see how anybody can handle a break up..the feelings of helplessness to the situation and thinking about them with other people..how does anybody handle it? I feel like my head is gonna explode somtimes I have been feeling the same way you have for a while now, I was crying at work on and off for months, not sleeping, not eating and suffering anxiety. I've never experienced anything like it, it has been completely consuming me and I couldn't see a way out however that's slowly starting to change. I was in sort of the same situation as you, not really sure what was going to happen but contacting him was just bringing me more and more pain and I wasn't getting any better. I am on day 9 of NC and I can't recommend it enough, it will help you reach a point where you won't be obsessing over it as much. I am not going to lie, I am not even nearly recovered but I am feeling a whole lot better than I was 9 days ago. Do it for yourself if not for anything else. It will ease some of the intense pain you're feeling. It will help to heal your heart, i promise. 2
dyna85 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Being in contact for me was torture. First 2-3 weeks of no contact also torturous. Now that I'm a month in, I'm feeling somewhat more at ease and finding more closure from within with each passing day. So it does help. I agree with Pier that you just kind of instinctively know when the time is right to go NC. For me, I always know when it's time to get serious because as painful as the detachment process is, the alternative is wayyyyyy more painful. 3
texxxxas Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Being in contact for me was torture. First 2-3 weeks of no contact also torturous. Now that I'm a month in, I'm feeling somewhat more at ease and finding more closure from within with each passing day. So it does help. I agree with Pier that you just kind of instinctively know when the time is right to go NC. For me, I always know when it's time to get serious because as painful as the detachment process is, the alternative is wayyyyyy more painful. So true! You just know when enough is enough...
LovelyDaze Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 But how do I deal with my emotions? Sometimes I can't see how anybody can handle a break up..the feelings of helplessness to the situation and thinking about them with other people..how does anybody handle it? I feel like my head is gonna explode somtimes It will hurt royally. I hate to say this but it WILL help you to feel every emotion: anger, hurt, pain, sadness, envy, sorrow, longing, confusion, pessimism, optimism, hope, etc. ALL of it. Feel it and don't be ashamed because it is all normal. At this point, you will feel a myriad of all of those type of emotions at any given time of the day as the weeks roll along as you sort your feelings out in this process. At first it is terribly hard to picture them with anyone else. Feel those emotions, just don't act on them in anyway(driving by home, call/texting, FB stalking, etc) Trust me, in time. If they even stay with that person(most times they do not if they have a new BF/GF that fast), you will get used to it, then you just don't care. It's hard to believe but you will see. When I started on LS, the ex(who is STILL a coworker in another dept at my job) that dumped me married the girl he left me for, tried again with me sometime later(I thumbed that down!), divorced her and has since had ANOTHER failed marriage from someone else and a couple of other GFs in between these past 5 years! People assume the ex will be with their new one forever and ever in bliss. They have the same vulnerability and maybe/maybe not just like anybody. Hold on to that. Your job is to heal and work on being the greatest person you can be so that you can attract a healthy,whole, lovely girl who wants love like you do. 2
Author questionsforthenouns Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 I get what everybody is saying. It's just hard because I feel like there is a barrier between myself and the advice. I can't seem to accept it easily. I know exactly which of my emotions and thoughts are irrational, however I can't seem to stop them. That is the scary part. Earlier today I was feeling better, but for no good reason! All the sudden, out of nowhere, I started feeling a little better. And I feel worse now. That is the scary thing; not having control over the emotions. It's like a rollercoaster ride. No control. Yeah I've considered counseling. Not sure if I want to go down that road though
LovelyDaze Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 All the sudden, out of nowhere, I started feeling a little better. And I feel worse now. That is the scary thing; not having control over the emotions. It's like a rollercoaster ride. No control. Been there, Done that. Most of us go through this and it is just part of the normal process of healing. If you do feel you need counseling to sort out your feelings and help you out, that would be great. Nothing scary or bad about that at all.
Cedar27 Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) I'll go against the grain. Keep doing whatever you're doing now to cope. Whether its hanging on to hope...or breadcrumbs. ..memories. Whatever it is. When you've HAD ENOUGH PAIN, all by yourself, you'll know when that is, you'll do what you need to recover. You already know what you need to do. You're just not ready. When you've had enough pain, you'll stop resisting. I would suggest not doing this. If you ever want a chance of getting your ex back, do not give into your most basic emotions right now. Everything you want to do during a break up is the exact opposite of what you should do. Understand if you even want a chance at being back with her, you have to respect her and leave her alone (that is what she said right?). Understand this is NOT going to be easy. However START the process of going out there again and GETTING A LIFE AGAIN. Surround yourself with good people, good food, activities you enjoy, and experience life again. This will distract you enough for the time being so you can get back into the groove of things. If and when your ex contacts you, or you contact her, months from now she will see that you are an independent and strong person who has moved on with the mentality "with or without her". This will attract her back to you, OR, it will attract another woman into your life. That's about all you can do. But for gods sake do not break NC unless you and her have established you will still have some contact. If she has told you to leave her alone, respect her choice and space. Because if you don't, why would she ever want to come back to a man who didn't even listen to her one request while broken up? Leave a door open for her coming back to you, but act as if it will never happen. You will find love again, with someone new or with her. Whichever comes first. Just work on being strong and independent for now. Some here will say don't hold onto her, let her go, etc. I think you can let someone go without letting the option of them coming back into your life go. But right now this is all about you. You have no control over your ex, you cant' text or convince someone into coming back to you. What you can do is be a better man who is productive, healthy, and improved. If your ex ever decides to give you a second look you will be a lot more attractive then someone who's been sitting around bugging them for months. Edited January 25, 2015 by Cedar27 2
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