Sunfire73 Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Well, can't she have nice things? Especially if she can afford it? I'm generally frugal, but have some nice things. In general, women love accessories. I don't think it's a big deal. I won't count her out, I will need to get to know her if there are other areas we are compatible. 2
Anela Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 But Chimp, and sorry if I lump you in with some other member's replies in another post, weren't you one of the ones siding with my last romantic prospect who tacked me with a Red Flag for listing my age preferences as 27-35? She assumed certain things about me based on that preference. And a lot of women on LS agreed with her. You did that? I probably would have thought the same thing if I'd seen that. If you're over 35, that is. I have done this before, though, when I was on a site. Not with everyone, but there was a pattern of seeing one thing mentioned, and I wondered how far their feelings went on the matter. You probably would have been in that group (they talked about being anti-consumerist). I wasn't looking for someone to buy me presents, but I have an uncle who goes to extremes in trying to save money, and he kept coming to mind. 1
losangelena Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Ehn. I hope she surprises you. When I was doing OLD, I noticed that sometimes those answers were quite sincere, and sometimes tongue-in-cheek. Granted, I probably would've rolled my eyes if a guy had listed his Gucci belt on there, but that wouldn't have kept me from meeting him if he seemed cool in other ways. My BF typically wears witty t-shirts and jeans, but has his share of designer clothes for nice occasions. Does he have that stuff because he's shallow? Heck no, but he does value looking nice and presenting himself well. He's more fastidious in his appearance than I am! Myself, I love high fashion, consider some of it akin to art, but have neither the budget or the body for most of it, so I admire it from afar. My environmentalist, recycle-crazy, composting roommate has several Burberry pieces. Why? Well, again, they may be more expensive, but they also last forever. She's a professional woman in her 40s—should she eschew nice things just because someone might think her vapid? Of course not. She also loves karaoke! My point is, I think we are all a mix of values.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I get where you're coming from. People lie along a spectrum when it comes to materialism. Like you, I'm more on the artist/hippie side. Nice things are nice, but other things in a life are more important. Routinely spending a lot of money on designer accessories isn't something I can relate to. I get having a few designer items that feel glam or swaggery for you. I myself splurged on a pair of Chanel sunglasses at a time when my business was really kicking butt. They were expensive, but they were the nicest pair in the shop that suited my face, and a classic shape that will never go out of style. I wear them all the time. Designer labels are status symbols. Sure, many designer clothes and accessories are nice and well-made, but not so much nicer that they justify such a high degree of price inflation. My opinion is that people who pay very inflated prices for multiple versions of the same designer accessory lack a sense of connection with the big picture, and are more self- and status-focused. No matter how much money I had, I can't see myself feeling good about buying multiple $1,000+ purses, when I could be perfectly happy with one or two and use the rest of the money for something a bit more meaningful than more "luxury" and status.
GravityMan Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 At least give the woman a chance, OP. Just because she likes Prada handbags doesn't automatically mean that she's horribly materialistic and status-oriented. Just go on the goddamn date and see how you two connect with each other. If she does turn out to be very status-focused and you don't like it, then just don't ask her out on a second date. Simple. Also, many profiles on OKC and other dating sites are meant to be at least partially humorous and/or tongue-in-cheek. No surprise, a sense of humor is attractive to nearly everyone and is often a crucial component to bonding with others. You are taking dating way too literally and seriously. It is meant to be fun. Loosen up. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Also, many profiles on OKC and other dating sites are meant to be at least partially humorous and/or tongue-in-cheek. I agree. But it still says something about you. If the answer was "my BMW", "my Gucci loafers", whatever, I'd still be like... no
Author SycamoreCircle Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 I did go on the date. She was really sweet and really seemed to like me. When there was a comfortable rapport between us I brought up the handbag. She grew a little defensive and in an impassioned tone talked about how she grew up with nothing and how now that she's a career woman, sometimes working on Wall Street, the handbag is something which makes her feel validated. I listened to her responsibly and then asked, "but do you ever think 'aw, I could have put that money towards a really nice vacation'?" "I can do that and have a nice vacation." She followed up by asking, "now that you've met me, do you think I fit the impression you had of someone who prioritizes Prada handbags?" "Definitely not." The date ended well. That said, I wasn't really physically attracted to her. She was very nice, very easy to be with. I did feel she played the I'm an artist, too angle a little heavy handedly. Unconvincingly. It's sorry because I'd like to like her. But when you come away from a date just thinking about your ex, there's no lying to yourself. Oh boy.
Dontfindme Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I did go on the date. She was really sweet and really seemed to like me. When there was a comfortable rapport between us I brought up the handbag. She grew a little defensive and in an impassioned tone talked about how she grew up with nothing and how now that she's a career woman, sometimes working on Wall Street, the handbag is something which makes her feel validated. I listened to her responsibly and then asked, "but do you ever think 'aw, I could have put that money towards a really nice vacation'?" "I can do that and have a nice vacation." She followed up by asking, "now that you've met me, do you think I fit the impression you had of someone who prioritizes Prada handbags?" "Definitely not." The date ended well. That said, I wasn't really physically attracted to her. She was very nice, very easy to be with. I did feel she played the I'm an artist, too angle a little heavy handedly. Unconvincingly. It's sorry because I'd like to like her. But when you come away from a date just thinking about your ex, there's no lying to yourself. Oh boy. I would just like to opine here that if you came out of the date thinking about your ex, then the woman wasn't the problem- despite the incompatibility. You are just not over your ex, which you should work on. 7
hopefullove Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Wow I can't believe she even agreed to go out with you even when you couldn't let up about the hand bag thing. I would have said, wow, someone has a complex, and said next. Cus, you know nothing about her. You can't get to know someone on an online profile, and the fact that you think there is some basis where you can judge a person on that... perhaps you need to rethink your strategy with online dating. Like, she's really patient that she could dignify a response in you incessant demands on her Italian leather goods, cause why not? She can buy anything she wants, I have a friend who buys Celine handbags, now those are in the $5000 category, she's successful, the most caring and loyal friend, naturalist, photographer, who the EFF CARES. It's her money, she can do whatever she wants with it, why does she have to answer for anything, and why do you feel that she should answer for it. If you have SUCH a problem with a woman buying things for herself, why did you even want to go out with her? I don't get it. Do you rather someone who generically writes "iphone, family, friends, air, water, passport," Some reason you're trying to convince us you're an artist. Who needs to convince anyone of anything. Just. why. I don't understand this post. 6
writergal Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I did go on the date. She was really sweet and really seemed to like me. When there was a comfortable rapport between us I brought up the handbag. She grew a little defensive and in an impassioned tone talked about how she grew up with nothing and how now that she's a career woman, sometimes working on Wall Street, the handbag is something which makes her feel validated. I listened to her responsibly and then asked, "but do you ever think 'aw, I could have put that money towards a really nice vacation'?" "I can do that and have a nice vacation." She followed up by asking, "now that you've met me, do you think I fit the impression you had of someone who prioritizes Prada handbags?" "Definitely not." The date ended well. That said, I wasn't really physically attracted to her. She was very nice, very easy to be with. I did feel she played the I'm an artist, too angle a little heavy handedly. Unconvincingly. It's sorry because I'd like to like her. But when you come away from a date just thinking about your ex, there's no lying to yourself. Oh boy. You seriously confronted her (strong word, ok, how about broached the topic) of her Prada handbag while on your 1st date with her tonight? She was right to act defensive. It's a bag. That's it. It doesn't reflect her social-cultural values. It reflects the fact that she can afford an expensive handbag and bought one. If I could afford a real Prada purse, I'd buy one too. Doesn't mean that I have superficial values or am a shallow person, or not artistic. Well, at least on the upside you recognize that you are still pining for your ex girlfriend. No woman you meet online will be that desirable to you, if you are emotionally hung up on your ex-girlfriend. So maybe you shouldn't date until you've healed. Or, find someone to have a rebound with, to get your ex-girlfriend out of your system. I don't do rebounds myself, but supposedly they work as a buffer after a breakup for the person broken up with. Stop judging women by their bag label. And start judging women by their character instead maybe? 2
VikingPrincess Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I would have been annoyed if you asked me about my bag too. You can buy Prada second hand you know. It's her money to spend as she wishes. While I appreciate your frugal values OP I do not appreciate the judgement. Also work on getting over your ex. 1
Eighty_nine Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I did go on the date. She was really sweet and really seemed to like me. When there was a comfortable rapport between us I brought up the handbag. She grew a little defensive and in an impassioned tone talked about how she grew up with nothing and how now that she's a career woman, sometimes working on Wall Street, the handbag is something which makes her feel validated. I listened to her responsibly and then asked, "but do you ever think 'aw, I could have put that money towards a really nice vacation'?" "I can do that and have a nice vacation." She followed up by asking, "now that you've met me, do you think I fit the impression you had of someone who prioritizes Prada handbags?" "Definitely not." The date ended well. That said, I wasn't really physically attracted to her. She was very nice, very easy to be with. I did feel she played the I'm an artist, too angle a little heavy handedly. Unconvincingly. It's sorry because I'd like to like her. But when you come away from a date just thinking about your ex, there's no lying to yourself. Oh boy. What wasn't physically attractive about her?
CALOVELY Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) You are exhaustive in your drama. I have no advice only to say for someone who claims to be so laid back and cool, you are anything but. Perhaps it is time to re-evaluate yourself. You are attracted to these types of people for a reason and yet hold them in contempt at the same time. Look within. Edited January 24, 2015 by CALOVELY 6
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I did go on the date. She was really sweet and really seemed to like me. When there was a comfortable rapport between us I brought up the handbag. She grew a little defensive and in an impassioned tone talked about how she grew up with nothing and how now that she's a career woman, sometimes working on Wall Street, the handbag is something which makes her feel validated. I listened to her responsibly and then asked, "but do you ever think 'aw, I could have put that money towards a really nice vacation'?" "I can do that and have a nice vacation." She followed up by asking, "now that you've met me, do you think I fit the impression you had of someone who prioritizes Prada handbags?" "Definitely not." The date ended well. That said, I wasn't really physically attracted to her. She was very nice, very easy to be with. I did feel she played the I'm an artist, too angle a little heavy handedly. Unconvincingly. It's sorry because I'd like to like her. But when you come away from a date just thinking about your ex, there's no lying to yourself. Oh boy. *shaking head* Not only you went on about that bag again but you even told her how she could better spend her money (Vacation). Could you have been more judgemental and dismissing, sigh.
GemmaUK Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I wouldn't go on a second date with someone who thought it was OK to question what I spend my hard earned cash on and asked me to explain myself. To some it could sound like nothing but to me that is a big old red flag. One that I would find amusing but a red flag nevertheless. On reflection it's a good thing that you were not interested and she learned so much about you in such a short space of time. If you did leave thinking about your ex though then perhaps you are not ready to date as yet. 1
Art_Critic Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I would just put on there silly things to make men smile. That is how I took it, it was just a line to grab the attention... No different than someone saying they are looking for their partner in crime kind of thing. I'd bet it wasn't even her idea to write it that she read it somewhere.. Whew.. 1
Art_Critic Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 oh.. and to me a handbag is no different then let's say.. a nice road bike...some guys spend their money on tools and guy stuff and some women spend their money on handbags and girl stuff.. cool huh ? 2
Author SycamoreCircle Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Part of my work to get over my ex is to date. Strictly date. I'm trying to act very responsibly towards other people. Meaning, I would never rebound or lead someone on. I talk openly about my dating history. Essentially, I'm meeting women for drinks and conversation. The last woman I dated(3 dates), more than any woman I've dated thus far, emotionally distracted me from my ex. But she had serious issues, which she recognized, and we parted. I'm bored with having to defend my instincts or concerns, but I will say this: the woman last night told me that she was still married. The split had happened three years ago, amicably. Now, I've never been married but if you'd split from your spouse, moved out, spoke of them disparagingly in conversations with strangers wouldn't you VALUE finalizing the split before entering the dating scene? That is what I mean by values, people and I'd damn sure hock my "Italian leather goods"(:laugh:love that, sounds so important) to preserve my values*. Also, I never called myself cool or laid back. That is what you are inferring. What you are doing is no different than what I'm doing to her. I'm evaluating her personality and our compatibility based on what information is available to me. Maybe me bringing up the handbag was indelicate and when she defended her position, I made no contest. But isn't seeing what pushes someones buttons a good indicator of their boundaries? Isn't it important, when looking for a potential mate, to try to gain some understanding of each other's boundaries? If she'd asked me about my ex and I flew off the handle, wouldn't that be a strong indicator that I was still hung up on my ex? The date didn't end with us mad at each other. She told me I was a really nice guy and that she liked my company. *Being bound to someone legally, I imagine, would have to be emotionally tasking. At least a little. I am someone who holds, in the highest regard, addressing and tackling emotional distress, first and foremost. It's like the soil in the pot. The plant won't grow if the soil is compromised. I didn't get the sense from this woman that she is very adept at tending to her emotional foundation.
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Just a note on the marriage thing. It took 10 years for my divorce to finally go through. What was I suppose to do stay home and hibernate for 10 years? I had a legal separation that protected me and my assets. I see your comment on her divorce not being final = being emotionally bonded as just a way of throwing rocks at her. Like you're not perfect but look at her her divorce is not final so she is not perfect either. Meh...
Author SycamoreCircle Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Well, admittedly, I don't know the slightest thing about divorce. I have heard that it's very expensive. She did allude to her ex being a deadbeat, so maybe all this time has been about making sure he doesn't take what's rightfully hers. 10 years? My God.
elaine567 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Problem here is that I think you do self sabotage to some extent. You go on dates, but with people that you have issues with and when it doesn't work out you are OK because it turned out just as you expected. A artsy hippie and a Prada loving woman are the stuff of rom-coms, not real life. You knew the date was not going to lead anywhere, because either she was incredibly superficial and you would reject her, or she would take one look at your lifestyle and think "Well he is never going to buy me Prada." BUT you set yourself up to fail, as failing is easier than having to go out there heart on sleeve. YOU are protecting your heart by choosing "interesting" women, but women who you already know, will not get into your heart. I guess you are not really ready to move on. 3
Author SycamoreCircle Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Problem here is that I think you do self sabotage to some extent. You go on dates, but with people that you have issues with and when it doesn't work out you are OK because it turned out just as you expected. A artsy hippie and a Prada loving woman are the stuff of rom-coms, not real life. You knew the date was not going to lead anywhere, because either she was incredibly superficial and you would reject her, or she would take one look at your lifestyle and think "Well he is never going to buy me Prada." BUT you set yourself up to fail, as failing is easier than having to go out there heart on sleeve. YOU are protecting your heart by choosing "interesting" women, but women who you already know, will not get into your heart. I guess you are not really ready to move on. I think this is partly true. I'm forgiving and resilient enough to be able to deal with most of these so-called obstacles. I'm usually angry at myself after some of these dates. It just sucks being in this position. -I can't seem to really fall for these women. -I can't seem to abstain from trying to date. -I can't be with my ex. -I can't make amends with my ex. -I love(d) my ex. -I'm not allowed to love my ex. -I can't have sex with these women. I just feel stuck.
kendahke Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Detective: Do you know what a handbag is? Culprit: An accessory. Tonight I have another OKC date. This time with a 35-year-old woman who lives in Bay Ridge and speaks fluent Russian. She seems really nice and has been very accommodating, even agreeing to reschedule the date when something came up this week. There's just one thing: she listed in her 6 Things You Cannot Do Without gum and Prada handbags!!! Now, in a field where most people list things like family or God, I guess you could fault her for being original. When she seemed gung-ho about a date with me, I even brought it up. I said something like---Just fair warning, I'm a pretty artsy kinda' guy. I like spending time in the outdoors, cooking at home, tending to my houseplants, playing weird musical instruments, museums etc. And what makes you think I don't? I gently contended that gum and Prada handbags suggest a certain style and attitude. And while I don't inherently have a problem with those things, I've never dated a girl who prioritizes them. "Oh boy," she said, and went on to explain that she's very artistically and culturally involved even dabbling in music herself. She mentioned karaoke! The more I piece this out, the more it just sounds like someone who doesn't know themselves well enough, right? I mean...if you follow the Kardashians and go to bed at night in a ProActiv avocado masque, that's your business but to think you're going to gel with a guy who has a favorite shirt and whose greatest equity is a fixee bicycle is not knowing yourself, right? Who asked who out on the date? If you're going through all of this, then you just need to back off and find someone else. You're really doing the most here. And for the record, there ain't nothing wrong with a Prada handbag.
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