SycamoreCircle Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Detective: Do you know what a handbag is? Culprit: An accessory. Tonight I have another OKC date. This time with a 35-year-old woman who lives in Bay Ridge and speaks fluent Russian. She seems really nice and has been very accommodating, even agreeing to reschedule the date when something came up this week. There's just one thing: she listed in her 6 Things You Cannot Do Without gum and Prada handbags!!! Now, in a field where most people list things like family or God, I guess you could fault her for being original. When she seemed gung-ho about a date with me, I even brought it up. I said something like---Just fair warning, I'm a pretty artsy kinda' guy. I like spending time in the outdoors, cooking at home, tending to my houseplants, playing weird musical instruments, museums etc. And what makes you think I don't? I gently contended that gum and Prada handbags suggest a certain style and attitude. And while I don't inherently have a problem with those things, I've never dated a girl who prioritizes them. "Oh boy," she said, and went on to explain that she's very artistically and culturally involved even dabbling in music herself. She mentioned karaoke! The more I piece this out, the more it just sounds like someone who doesn't know themselves well enough, right? I mean...if you follow the Kardashians and go to bed at night in a ProActiv avocado masque, that's your business but to think you're going to gel with a guy who has a favorite shirt and whose greatest equity is a fixee bicycle is not knowing yourself, right?
Diezel Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Are you purposely trying to sabotage your dates before they even happen? Why not just show up and try to enjoy a night out with someone else. You came off as very judgmental. TRUST ME, I know what you are trying to do and the reason you are doing it, but to her, it could sound like you are putting her down and already disqualifying her or even yourself (depends on perception). Why not let her find out the kind of man you are while on the date and you measure her up there too? 18
Omei Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 (edited) Two of the things I listed was eyeliner and leggings. Her mention of prada hand bags to me only suggests shes huge in fashion as most girls that dress very nice are. Edited January 23, 2015 by Omei 1
idoltree Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Sooo, you're already judging her as an inferior person? Because she's shallow and judgmental? ... How very open-minded of you. Many people write hooks in their profile to give people something to message them about. It could be she gets lots of messages asking her why she picked gum and Prada handbags. It could be a very wise move on her part. The more I piece this out, the more it just sounds like someone who doesn't know themselves well enough, right? I mean...if you follow the Kardashians and go to bed at night in a ProActiv avocado masque, that's your business but to think you're going to gel with a guy who has a favorite shirt and whose greatest equity is a fixee bicycle is not knowing yourself, right? Well, why is the uber-hip antiestablishment guy who loathes someone he considers superficial and unworthy going out with her? Furthermore, why is he coming online to brag about how awesome he is in comparison, not noticing that he's painting a picture of himself as very illogical in his decision-making? 4
Author SycamoreCircle Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 Sabotage is such a strong word. I guess I'm pointing the finger at myself, really. What am I doing going out with a woman who would waste money on that sort of stuff? Admittedly, it's kind of sexually alluring. It suggests ultra-femininity, I suppose and a kind of vapidity that's sexually charged. Judgmental? You can only gauge people by what they value, no? Should I think she's a very spiritual person?
Author SycamoreCircle Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 I don't judge her inferior. I just suspect we have different values. What am I bragging about? I think you may be mistaking being clever with being a jerk. I enjoy writing. I'm also a very emotional man. That's the sum of it.
idoltree Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 You can only gauge people by what they value, no? Should I think she's a very spiritual person? 6 things you can't do without is an OKCupid thing. OKCupid is pretty lighthearted, and not everyone is serious answering the questions. In fact, someone with a sense of humor and who sets themselves apart from the others is someone who will do quite well on there. Someone who answers the question seriously demonstrating zero creativity is not required. And, no, you should not judge people by what they value. How does a jokey prompt about what someone can't "do without" correlate to someone's core values? Also, judging someone for their values is indicative of narcissism and thinking that you hold the true key to the universal moral ground. You don't. People are different. That doesn't make them better or lesser than you. The more I read what you wrote, you seem to loathe this girl and think she's got bad judgment for going out with you. I think think there's an element of truth there, but it's more due to bad luck on her part. 1
GemmaUK Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Sabotage is such a strong word. I guess I'm pointing the finger at myself, really. What am I doing going out with a woman who would waste money on that sort of stuff? Admittedly, it's kind of sexually alluring. It suggests ultra-femininity, I suppose and a kind of vapidity that's sexually charged. Judgmental? You can only gauge people by what they value, no? Should I think she's a very spiritual person? Much as I don't do designer anything unless by accident ..and used to have a friend who told me her bag cost £700 and to me it looked like a cheapo one.. Gucci lovers but it looked tacky! JMO though. She has these bags so she funds her passion herself I suspect. She has a passion. I like a man who has a passion.
Author SycamoreCircle Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 6 things you can't do without is an OKCupid thing. OKCupid is pretty lighthearted, and not everyone is serious answering the questions. In fact, someone with a sense of humor and who sets themselves apart from the others is someone who will do quite well on there. Someone who answers the question seriously demonstrating zero creativity is not required. And, no, you should not judge people by what they value. How does a jokey prompt about what someone can't "do without" correlate to someone's core values? Also, judging someone for their values is indicative of narcissism and thinking that you hold the true key to the universal moral ground. You don't. People are different. That doesn't make them better or lesser than you. The more I read what you wrote, you seem to loathe this girl and think she's got bad judgment for going out with you. I think think there's an element of truth there, but it's more due to bad luck on her part. Well, she also has a picture posted of herself with a Prada handbag. I presume it's Prada. I guess she's taking that joke pretty far. Judging someone for their values is indicative of narcissism? I challenge that statement. 1
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 The more I piece this out, the more it just sounds like someone who doesn't know themselves well enough, right? I mean...if you follow the Kardashians and go to bed at night in a ProActiv avocado masque, that's your business but to think you're going to gel with a guy who has a favorite shirt and whose greatest equity is a fixee bicycle is not knowing yourself, right? The more I read your posts, the more it just sounds like someone with a supernatural ability to blame others without ever glancing back in the mirror. This isn't the first time you've proclaimed how foolish or shortsighted you think some woman must be because she thinks she could be attracted to a ~*tOtAlLy WaCkY*~ guy like you. I think you mean for it to be self-deprecating, but it comes off as incredibly shallow and judgmental. Your basis for incompatibility as cited above is: pop culture, acne masks, a shirt, and a bicycle. Nothing about values, character, dreams, priorities. It's just stuff. They're things that you buy, not indicative of who you are. You imbue this stuff with so much meaning because it suggests you don't know any other way to evaluate a person beyond the things they own. You keep trying to show off how amazingly unique you are but you come off as far more shallow than anyone with a subscription to People magazine and a lifetime supply of acne masks. 5
GemmaUK Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Judgmental? You can only gauge people by what they value, no? Should I think she's a very spiritual person? Had to answer this bit too. I value all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons. Are all women who own expensive handbags not spiritual in any way? ..or say..a men who own expensives car or iPhones/iPads? Are there stats for that? 1
Author SycamoreCircle Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 The more I read your posts, the more it just sounds like someone with a supernatural ability to blame others without ever glancing back in the mirror. This isn't the first time you've proclaimed how foolish or shortsighted you think some woman must be because she thinks she could be attracted to a ~*tOtAlLy WaCkY*~ guy like you. I think you mean for it to be self-deprecating, but it comes off as incredibly shallow and judgmental. Your basis for incompatibility as cited above is: pop culture, acne masks, a shirt, and a bicycle. Nothing about values, character, dreams, priorities. It's just stuff. They're things that you buy, not indicative of who you are. You imbue this stuff with so much meaning because it suggests you don't know any other way to evaluate a person beyond the things they own. You keep trying to show off how amazingly unique you are but you come off as far more shallow than anyone with a subscription to People magazine and a lifetime supply of acne masks. Chimp, from the vehemence of this reply and previous replies you've provided me, I think it's safe to say "we're not a match." I'm sorry that my perspective rattles you so much. Let's say I am horribly shallow and horribly common. Now can we begin again? The Bible is an object. If I see a person walking around with one, I'm going to assume certain things about their personality, about their character. I may be totally wrong. But people surround themselves with things that give their inner life expression.
Maleficent Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I don't judge her inferior. I just suspect we have different values. What am I bragging about? I think you may be mistaking being clever with being a jerk. I enjoy writing. I'm also a very emotional man. That's the sum of it. You jumped to conclusions a little quickly there. Not sure how you can assume someone's values are fundamentally different because she values a handbag. 2
Ebelskiver Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I make subconscious judgements of people all the time. So does everyone. The key is to actively act against the judgements. I would go out with her if I were you. Expand your mind. My first impressions have been so off so many times, I at least give most people an opportunity. My life is definitely better because of it. 1
Author SycamoreCircle Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 I am going out with her. In about 40 minutes, actually. These are suspicions I have. That's all. It's territory for the NY dating scene, piranha filled waters. People blast me for my perspective, but that last date ended up writing me a farewell note alluding to suicide! Would you still support that Titanic!?
Dontfindme Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I don't get why spirituality (the Bible) is being brought up to contrast...a handbag. Also, Prada makes good bags. The lady has nice taste. Is she asking you to fork over money to fund them? 4
Ebelskiver Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 You jumped to conclusions a little quickly there. Not sure how you can assume someone's values are fundamentally different because she values a handbag. I have to disagree. These purses cost $5,000-25,000, or even more. Someone who is carrying a legit Prada, and collects them, can fund the GDP of some small countries. That absolutely makes a statement about their values. They value elite brands.....why?.....because it proves they are elite. It's a big neon sign that says "I value status, money, and fine handbags." It's not a judgement on their worthiness as a human being. It's a judgement of how they are presenting themselves. When I was an angst ridden teen, it was important to me that people know how unique and special I was just by looking at me. So I would dress and dye my hair crazily and pierce things all over. This way, people could see by my outward presentation that I was anti-establishment, I was different, I was special! For example, who sees a urine soaked man stumbling through traffic and think, "There goes another Fortune 500 CEO."? Nobody, he's presenting himself as drunk and homeless and it's a pretty good bet he actually is.
todreaminblue Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 You jumped to conclusions a little quickly there. Not sure how you can assume someone's values are fundamentally different because she values a handbag. maybe she values her handbag because she saved up for it.....went without......nurtured that little money egg till it birthed prada...I agree with you..deb 2
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Chimp, from the vehemence of this reply and previous replies you've provided me, I think it's safe to say "we're not a match." I'm sorry that my perspective rattles you so much. Let's say I am horribly shallow and horribly common. Now can we begin again? The Bible is an object. If I see a person walking around with one, I'm going to assume certain things about their personality, about their character. I may be totally wrong. But people surround themselves with things that give their inner life expression. Oh, dear. "Rattled"? "Vehement"? We've found the male equivalent of "they're just jealous because I'm beautiful". I know you would like to think I just can't handle someone as awesome as you are but not all women find this degree of self-absorption charming or quirky. Your example is telling because even a less-than-imaginative person could incent dozens of scenarios. Maybe the woman carrying a Bible is a churchgoer, a theology student, a Sunday school teacher, a bailiff on her way to court, a classicist specializing in Koine Greek, etc etc. Of course everyone judges on first glance, but we also have to realize how wrong those first judgments often are. And we certainly don't presume to know other people's personalities immediately because of those judgments. I enjoy Olympic lifting, military history, and single malts. What would you think if I told you that? Would you naturally assume I must also love sewing, baking, and pictures of kittens? Because I do. Likewise, my boyfriend loves hacking, video games and The Modernist Cuisine. One of these does not at all imply the others and most adults don't make those kinds of assumptions. You are either unwilling or unable to accept people as more than collections of tics and stuff. It's just...unfortunate. Your dating life will improve profoundly once you stop trying to shove people into predetermined boxes. 7
Gaeta Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 So you mean people take really seriously what we do put in those OK cupid list? I would just put on there silly things to make men smile. Anyway............ I am reading in between the lines you are prone to self-sabotage. Standing by for a post-date update. 1
Author SycamoreCircle Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 But Chimp, and sorry if I lump you in with some other member's replies in another post, weren't you one of the ones siding with my last romantic prospect who tacked me with a Red Flag for listing my age preferences as 27-35? She assumed certain things about me based on that preference. And a lot of women on LS agreed with her. Now how is it right to jump to a conclusion based on age preference but an exorbitantly priced handbag says nothing? BTW, you once wrote "I relax with a bubble bath, a nice scotch, and a big book of military history." I liked it and quoted it to someone.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 For example, who sees a urine soaked man stumbling through traffic and think, "There goes another Fortune 500 CEO."? Nobody, he's presenting himself as drunk and homeless and it's a pretty good bet he actually is. I see your point, but don't think it's applicable here. This isn't about her lifestyle; it's a single question about "what six things can you never do without" on an online dating profile. How are you supposed to answer without sounding a little silly, shallow or downright weird in some way? Literal answers like "oxygen" are just cliche. You have to say something. I remember two of mine were King Arthur Flour and elastic hair bands. Reading that much into a single question on a profile is such an overreaction it's absurd and something we usually associate with teenage girls poring over the meaning of a three-word text message. "Oh boy" is about the kindest thing you can say in response to something like that. 4
GemmaUK Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I have to disagree. These purses cost $5,000-25,000, or even more. Or a lot less. I just went to Prada UK and found a bag at £426, roughly USD $645. That's not so much for a passion really is it? A new iPhone costs more than that in the UK. In fact most bags were a lot less than you have stated there. Maybe they sell for much more in the US? Most on the UK site were between £400 to £1050. 3
Ebelskiver Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I still don't agree. Those 6 things and other profile questions are the only thing you have to judge the person you are willing to meet with on. I really tried to leave an honest protrait of myself on my OLD profile, because in a nutshell I NEED them to know I'm looking for a relationship, I value fitness, outdoor crap, I'm driven, successful, and very intelligent with a screwball sense of humor and an unnatural attraction to very small turtles. These things are important to me. I wouldn't want an overweight man, who plays video games all day, and loathes precious tiny turtles. So if that's in his profile I'm going to judge that we would not be a good match. It's OK that I do that. I don't have time to give every guy a date, I don't want to waste their time or mine, so I judge them on their profile and pictures, and I hope they judge me on mine. 1
Dontfindme Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I'm so curious - for all the people judging the hell out of the bag lady- what an appropriate '6 things you couldn't live without' would be. Please enlighten. 2
Recommended Posts