toffeecream77 Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Here is some background: I came out of a long term relationship (2 years) a couple of months ago. Since then, I have moved countries for a new job. I'm settling in nicely. Joined a dating site. For the last 6 weeks, I was emailing a nice guy. First two dates were a little odd. I was not my usual cheery, bubbly self (probably because of all the changes in my life, perhaps I shouldn't have started internet dating so soon). He seemed completely blown away by me on the first date. He asked how many dates I was going on etc and I replied 'none' and somehow from other stuff we talked about, he inferred that I wanted to only date him. He said he was 'honoured' and he also liked to only date one person at a time. Second date, he was more intense...asking all kinds of odd questions about my relationship history, what I am looking for, what's going on between us. Next day, he emailed to say he couldn't read me at all, probably because I did look at him a bit strange when he looked confused and asked what was going on between us....I mean, too soon or what to be having these discussions?? In my reply, I explained that I am a slow burner, it takes a while for me to get to know somebody, to get something going and that I was enjoying getting to know him. He then said he was glad we were on the same page. A couple of weeks later (last Saturday) we met up for the third time. Things started off very well, but I got very tired towards the end and I didn't talk much...just enjoyed listening to him talk. It was awkward saying goodbye, he became quite serious and intense again. Anyway, he sent me a message later that night to say it was very nice to see me. The next day, I decided to text him for a change. Usually, he would email me the next day after a date. I just text him something simple like 'how's it going' but he didn't reply. And he didn't email. Two days on, I assumed he wasn't interested (tho he could have been busy preparing for a two week work trip later this week) so I messaged him that while I do like him, I didn't think we were going to be compatible in the long run and that I'd like to be friends with him. The next day, he agreed that our date was fun, and that he enjoys my company, "even if maybe we're not relationship material" and that we could hang out. He even listed the date he'll be back from his work travels. Thinking I made a mistake (because of how vague he was "maybe not" and how I jut wanted him to reply), I messaged him a long reply saying maybe i spoke too soon, could we pick up where we left off, what i liked about him etc along with other stuff, including my week etc... it was a long email, but it was nice. A couple days after not hearing from him again, I messaged him again to say that I shouldn't have gone back on my gut feeling, that he should ignore my latest message and that he is invited to my workplace for lunch and the party at my apartment as friends. He replied the following morning saying how busy he is, and that while he has enjoyed my company, he thinks my gut feeling is right. He said he was confused because usually things are either on or off for him, and that he has never strayed into a friend zone so much on the dating scene, but that he is very happy to give it a go (being friends) and thanked me for the invites. I simply replied that I hope his trip would go well and that I am glad we are on the same page. I see he is active the dating site again in the last few days. He's off on his travels for two weeks from tomorrow. Advice anyone? Do you think he'll get back in touch? Maybe he was just being polite. Or maybe he's saying these things to save face because I called off the dating and asked to be friends? But remember, he didn't contact me and then I did backtrack...he just didn't reply, but was appearing online on the dating site, so he couldn't have been that busy. Yes, I know I should have been less impulsive and just waited to see if he got in touch or I should have asked him out for another drink after our third meeting. So please no comments giving me a hard time about this. I know. I've learned my lesson. I'm surprised at how sad and disappointed I am after meeting him only 3 times, especially after how cool I was the first two times. I'm bummed because I really started to like him towards the end of the third date, things were picking up for me....but he became disinterested. Why? Maybe he's used to more interest from women? I don't know...
venusishername Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Here is some background: I came out of a long term relationship (2 years) a couple of months ago. Well, do you really think you are really ready for something serious? Sounds to me like this guy was very clear he was ready. Sounds like you are not. There's nothing wrong with that! Gotta be honest with yourself (and others). Second date, he was more intense...asking all kinds of odd questions about my relationship history, what I am looking for, what's going on between us. Next day, he emailed to say he couldn't read me at all, probably because I did look at him a bit strange when he looked confused and asked what was going on between us....I mean, too soon or what to be having these discussions?? Well, I think so. That would be a major major red flag to me. BUT I know everyone is different... so not sure how YOU feel about it. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, you should listen to your gut. ...so I messaged him that while I do like him, I didn't think we were going to be compatible in the long run and that I'd like to be friends with him. The next day, he agreed that our date was fun, and that he enjoys my company, "even if maybe we're not relationship material" and that we could hang out. Why would you want to be friends? Are you just interested in 'hanging out' with a guy who is clearly looking for a girlfriend?? Why bother? I messaged him a long reply saying maybe i spoke too soon, could we pick up where we left off, what i liked about him etc along with other stuff, including my week etc... it was a long email, but it was nice. A couple days after not hearing from him again, I messaged him again to say that I shouldn't have gone back on my gut feeling, that he should ignore my latest message and that he is invited to my workplace for lunch and the party at my apartment as friends. Oh no. Please stop now. Why are you chasing this guy? He replied the following morning saying how busy he is, and that while he has enjoyed my company, he thinks my gut feeling is right. He said he was confused because usually things are either on or off for him, and that he has never strayed into a friend zone so much on the dating scene, but that he is very happy to give it a go (being friends) and thanked me for the invites. I simply replied that I hope his trip would go well and that I am glad we are on the same page. Well, he could not be more clear that he now sees you as only a friend. Advice anyone? Do you think he'll get back in touch? Maybe he was just being polite. No, I don't think you'll be hearing from him. I think he was being very honest, not necessarily just 'polite'. I'm surprised at how sad and disappointed I am after meeting him only 3 times, especially after how cool I was the first two times. I'm bummed because I really started to like him towards the end of the third date, things were picking up for me....but he became disinterested. Why? Maybe he's used to more interest from women? I don't know... It happens to all of us. It's ok! You are human for feeling sad and disappointed. You wanted it to happen. We don't know why people become disinterested. But.. it sounds to me like you aren't in a position to be dating at a level that this guy was in any case... Why don't you try focusing on people who aren't looking for a serious relationship, or just looking for new friendships first, or hey... how about yourself? It took me over three years to even come close to being ready for another serious relationship after my break up. Don't force yourself to date.
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 Thanks for your reply, venusishername! Very useful observations. I am ready...this guy made me think about it. At first, I wasn't i hadn't even thought about it. I really want to date this guy again....any advice? I worry my messages put him off, I mean how many guys would really come back and say "oh sure, yeah, let's try again?"
losangelena Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Yes, I know I should have been less impulsive and just waited to see if he got in touch or I should have asked him out for another drink after our third meeting. So please no comments giving me a hard time about this. I know. I've learned my lesson. I won't give you a hard time about this, but I do believe it's the crux of your problem. In this instance, you may have to cut your loses and learn for next time. He said he thinks your gut instinct is correct. I would listen and believe him. This is probably impossible to come back from.
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 He said he thinks your gut instinct is correct. I would listen and believe him. This is probably impossible to come back from. Did he say this because I ended it? Because I didn't mean to. No idea why I did. I just panicked after I didn't hear from him for a few days. Or if he was more into me, would he have suggested meeting up again? I'm not sure...will men have their egos burised and go back to a woman who says she wants to be friends?
VedderisBetter Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 To me, this guy wants quick attachment from a woman. If he doesn't get immediate satisfaction, he loses interest. I admit, I struggle with patience in the dating game, but I hope to learn lessons from each date I go on. The current girl I am talking to wants to take things slow with whoever she dates so I will have to take her word that if she's worth it, I will try my best not to push a relationship on her.
Diezel Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 So you were kinda okay with him but then you didn't want him and now you want him again... all in the space of 3 days or so? Not surprised he's not into trying anymore and is back on the website.
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 I never not wanted him....I just panicked when he didn't message for a few days, I sensed he wasn't interested, so I took the lead to 'end' it, but I didn't really want to.
Ebelskiver Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Acckkk! Do not go back! Trust your gut! One of the biggest warning signs there is is the push for intimacy too soon. It's a sign of BPD, narcissism, sociopathy, Bi-polar disorder......Obviously not everyone who is excited about a new relationship is suffering fro mental illness, but those who do, exhibit the behaviors you were seeing. It made you uncomfortable because normal healthy relationships usually start with a slowly progressive disclosure of more and more personal information. With a generally parrallel deeping of feelings. Having someone who is talking exclusivity on a first date, overstating intense emotions on the second, and then "BOOM" dissappears is an almost textbook narcissist move. How many times in my life I wish I had listened to my gut! There was never a bad relationship that my subconscious didn't insistantly warn me of beforehand. As women we should trust ourselves more. Also you've been snagged by the very effective "withdrawal of attention". When someone drasticly changes their esteem of you in a romantic relationship it triggers a chase respnse, even if YOU were the one who wanted the relationship to end. If the other just shrugs their shoulders and says, "Yeah, I'm ready for this to be over too." you immediately go into rejection mode. To make your ego feel better you want to "make" this person love/like you again. It's a very predictable response, it doesn't mean you two are meant to be.
idoltree Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I never not wanted him....I just panicked when he didn't message for a few days, I sensed he wasn't interested, so I took the lead to 'end' it, but I didn't really want to. Lesson learned. In the future, sit with the discomfort and uncertainty. It sounds like you're not good at self-soothing, and you instead become impulsive, looking for instant gratification from the discomfort. Dating involves feeling uncertain and discomfort sometimes. It's just something you have to learn to deal with yourself. Don't be tempted to preemptively break up with someone. I mean, it's sort of weird to contact someone who hasn't contacted you in a few days to tell them you are no longer interested. If they pop back up and contact you, then it's time to tell them that. Otherwise you're presuming they still want to pursue you in spite of the fact that they haven't contacted. If they're on the fence about you, you've just ensured they're done with you. Secondly, do I even need to go into breaking up with someone as a manipulation tactic? Break up with someone when you mean it, because you most times you can't take it back. Don't do it to get them to do what you want. Also, I think the fact that you acted impulsively, then tried to impulsively reverse the impulsivity, then impulsively tried to reverse the impulsivity-squared turned him off. It makes you seem unstable. I hope you take all this as constructive criticism. You're clearly a nice thoughtful gal. You've just got to become comfortable with taking rejection (or suspected rejection) gracefully because it comes with the territory of dating. Take some time to think if your recent breakup is making you a little more nervous about dating. If so, you may want to wait a little longer until you're better healed. 3
LostOnes05 Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Did he say this because I ended it? Because I didn't mean to. No idea why I did. I just panicked after I didn't hear from him for a few days. Or if he was more into me, would he have suggested meeting up again? I'm not sure...will men have their egos burised and go back to a woman who says she wants to be friends? From a guy's perspective, there were two separate times he overtly expressed his interest in you. You rebuffed him, then decided against it, then decided against deciding against it. And now your deciding against...well you get it. If a woman shows disinterest in me or says let's just be friends, I back off and give them exactly what they want....friendship. Unfortunately, just like you have experienced they often end up seeing my best qualities at that point and want more. He sounds like a decent guy, he might give you another chance...might not. You have to be prepared though either way, if he gives you what you asked for. Personally, I would be hesitant if I were him.
TiffanyLum Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 The most important thing or lesson learnt is this - just be yourself and have fun. A relationship is not something you ask for - it's like asking for a best friend and you can't force it. Also, 'liking' someone is actually a symptom that you enjoy being with the person, but that doesn't mean you want to be together with him for marriage, etc. Just take it slow, relax, and find someone you truly enjoy being with, and who makes you laugh .
losangelena Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I never not wanted him....I just panicked when he didn't message for a few days, I sensed he wasn't interested, so I took the lead to 'end' it, but I didn't really want to. Okay, in the future, don't do that. That's not a great way of getting someone's attention, but you run the risk of the guy calling your bluff (like this one did).
Ebelskiver Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I don't think you're really ready to start dating either. Every intereactin is going to be too emotioanl because you just want to be done feeling bad. I'd give myself a few more weeks, maybe a month before getting back on that horse.
thecrucible Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Hey I can totally relate. I got out of a serious relationship a few years ago and ever since, I just want to take it slow and I find I often want to take it slower than the guy. I'm an emotionally impulsive person. I've recently tried to curb it. To me though I've curbed it so much that a lot of my spontaneity is gone. I find it hard to be receptive to a guy's advances in a way he would like. (I can't get really awed by a guy straight away because of being hurt before). Although you did act impulsively, if you channelled that emotional energy in a new direction it would serve you well - you're clearly good at expressing yourself openly and sharing your feelings. I wish I could do that. I know it's disappointing now but there's a lesson learnt and with enough time passing, you might just see it as something that never would have worked out anyway. Sometimes timing is everything and it happens when it's meant to happen.
lovexocoach Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Follow up on your invitation to him about the lunch and the party if they're still on when he gets back from his trip and see if you can reconnect. Then take it from there. If you can't reconnect, move on, and chalk this one up to experience.
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 Follow up on your invitation to him about the lunch and the party if they're still on when he gets back from his trip and see if you can reconnect. Then take it from there. If you can't reconnect, move on, and chalk this one up to experience. This is what I was thinking of doing, but I am so paranoid after all my messages to him and his lack of interest. I know it's so stupid what I've done. I just don't know how he has perceived this all? I mean, he can't have been that interested because he didn't contact me after the third date (that's why I messaged him to begin with, to say let's be friends) and he agreed my gut is right (or was he just saying that to save face?) after I backtracked again, so maybe this is what he wanted as well - to stop dating. Can he see through my actions (my backtracking) and see I like him? Also, maybe it is best to see if he contacts me eventually - that way, at least I will know he has some interest at some level?
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 OK, I think I'm just going to forget about him for the next couple of weeks. If he gets back in touch, great. If not, no big deal. But I don't think he will get back in touch. Despite how enthusiastic he was in his messages, I think he will reflect on it and think 'what's the point'. Don't you agree?
princessdreamz Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Just wait to see if he contacts you. If not, contact him. He probably thinks you like him, but are confused. And so what what he thinks. Life is too short. If you want him, go for it.
thecrucible Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Follow up on your invitation to him about the lunch and the party if they're still on when he gets back from his trip and see if you can reconnect. Then take it from there. If you can't reconnect, move on, and chalk this one up to experience. I agree with this. Give it enough time until he's back from his trip then reach out with something light-hearted about the party/lunch like "Hey, you still heading to the party this weekend?" you know something low key like that. Then you see how/if he replies and play it by ear. You'll be able to tell then if he's still into it. Just be laid back about it. It's the best you can be at this point. You will be okay. In the meantime, seek out other romantic possibilities, connect with other guys. Don't put your sole focus on him. This will add clarity to the situation too.
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 Thanks for the advice. I know this is the reasonable thing to do. But i'm so worried that he will still think I like him (I mean, come on, he's not a fool - most men would be able to tell from my messages that I like him, right?) and my intentions aren't innocent. I don't want to put myself out there like that.
thecrucible Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Thanks for the advice. I know this is the reasonable thing to do. But i'm so worried that he will still think I like him (I mean, come on, he's not a fool - most men would be able to tell from my messages that I like him, right?) and my intentions aren't innocent. I don't want to put myself out there like that. Well if he likes you, surely he'll like the fact you still like him? This is why I suggest something low key to ask him because that way you're still putting yourself out there and making him aware of you, but you're not doing it in a particularly exposing way... Don't be scared to risk rejection. Men do it all the time. Hell I just sent out this text to a guy I've been in an iffy situation with and he hasn't replied but whatever I honestly don't feel as bad as I could do 'cause I gave it a go... I admit that it may not be right for you in this case but I don't know - I really don't think you'd be a fool for trying. It's only a casual text.
Author toffeecream77 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 Well if he likes you, surely he'll like the fact you still like him? But if he liked me, surely wouldn't he have replied to my second message and agreed to give it another shot? Rather than not replying for a couple of days, so then I backtracked and told him to ignore my message and that I should not have gone back on my gut feeling? He agreed my gut is right.
thecrucible Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 But if he liked me, surely wouldn't he have replied to my second message and agreed to give it another shot? Rather than not replying for a couple of days, so then I backtracked and told him to ignore my message and that I should not have gone back on my gut feeling? He agreed my gut is right. I would go with what feels right for you. Just trust yourself more. Since you have agreed to be friends...although you may like him as more, I hardly think a text asking him about his plans for this party is going to come across as too strong. Or you may see him at this party and you can strike up conversation there... If he did like you and feels rebuffed he may be cautious, but if you're brave enough to have a heart to heart, it may or may not lead to it giving you what you want but at least you would have had the courage to find out rather than 'what if?'... Whilst I agree with the general principle of ball being in guy's court to win you...I also think if a guy feels any kind of subtle rejection, he'll take a step back and may need the right indication to show that if he's still interested and wants to come back, his efforts won't be in vain. Since you are a bit emotionally impulsive (like I am ), maybe it's best to leave serious conversation for in person and not in messages. Sometimes I can say something in an email but it's really just cover for my fear of talking about it in person. This may not be the case with you...however if you want to talk about it with him, you could in person. If not, you could leave it.
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