Sexual rejection?

[4givrnt4gtr]

My newlywed husband (not even 6 months yet) rejected me last night for the first time ever since we met (3 years ago). By all intends and purposes he has the highest libido, always pawing at me, kissing me, just very sexual. In the three years we have been together he has never, not once, said he didn’t feel like having sex. He has had times when if he feels “pressured” to perform (like for instance he feels like he is “expected” to have sex after a long trip where we are separated or after I throw him a party for his birthday) he has a hard time performing but he has never ever outright said no to me.

 

Unfortunately we had a bit of a quarrel last weekend, when he took me to a surprise camping trip for my birthday. Though I appreciated it, I had been traveling for business the previous two weeks, basically living in airports, arriving the day we were supposed to head out to camp so I was exhausted. I told him that I loved the place he took me to, but I didn’t really want to go on hard hikes (which he loves to do). He agreed and said that it was completely up to me what we did.

 

Well the next day we got to the camp (which he knows very well as it is his favorite place to go), he told me that there were two “walks” that were really easy, one of which was to a waterfall, about a mile long and the hardest part would be at the beginning. Trusting him I chose the waterfall walk, only to find out as we were hiking up a steep, rock filled mountain that it was anything but a walk. I tried to be a good sport and go with it, even telling him to go ahead of me as he wanted to take a photo and the light was dwindling fast (I'm a very very slow hiker).

 

Long story short the next day was very similar, though this time he really didn’t know it would be that hard of a hike. I ended up even more exhausted, sore and irritated. As we were leaving he asked if I wanted to go to this other place, and I just couldn’t help but be snappy, saying I was tired and sore. I think this is where I made a mistake, by telling him to please next time we go camping to actually describe the hikes we would do instead of saying they are “easy” so I could make an inform choice. That I didn’t like to be tricked into doing things I had said I didn’t want to do.

 

Ofcourse he was upset and hurt, though he initially denied it. However, after a bit he said he thought I was being ungrateful, and whiny. I explained that I wasn’t being ungrateful but I was exhausted and I really didn’t want to hike, so he said I should have told him what I wanted to do, that I needed to take more initiative and “leadership”. This comments hurt and I told him they did. He apologized but said that he wasn’t labeling me as whiny, just that I was BEING whiny.

 

The thing is that we don’t ever “argue”, we just talk about this. There is never a real temper flare from either one and usually after we talk things seem to be “back to normal”. Except they aren’t.

 

As I said this was last weekend, and after that over the week he has been noticeably sadder so I tried to talk to him again. He blamed it on his lack of real job prospects (he has been working on his own for the last year or so) and nervousness about his career future. He admitted he was sad but refused to said it was because of what happened over the weekend. We talked some more and after a while his mood seemed to lift.

 

Yesterday to help him feel better I took him out on a date. We watched a movie, took him to dinner. Everything seemed back to normal, with him joking and playing as usual. When we got home and went to bed he climbed on top of me and we started making out. I sort of let him know I wanted to have sex and he just said “I’m not feeling sexy right now” and climbed off of me and cuddle me instead.

 

I am confused as to how to take all this. First, was I really being that ungrateful? Should I not have said anything about the hikes and just be grateful he took me anywhere (he didn’t do much the year before for my birthday).

 

Second, I am hurt about his rejection last night, but I'm not sure I have the right to say anything about it (after all, he doesn’t owe me sex or anything of the sort). I'm not sure how to deal with all this.

 

This question is for both guys and girls out there.

 

For the girls, have you ever been rejected by your boyfriend/husband sexually? The first time it happened how did you react? What did you do? Did you say anything?

 

For the guys, have you guys ever rejected your partner? If so, why? What trigger the sudden “not in the mood?”

[autumnnight]

My gut says that you both need to say your apologies and put the camping thing to rest. Just tell him you are sorry that you didn't tell him at the outset you were too tired to camp, that you realize you seemed ungrateful, and that you'd like to move forward.

 

I don't think one rejection is really worth a "big talk" because that will make it bigger than it is. But if you feel like you need to say something, I would approach it from the standpoint that you know you have had a bit of conflict lately, and that last night you were concerned that it was creating distance and getting in the way of intimacy and want to reconnect.

[4givrnt4gtr]

My gut says that you both need to say your apologies and put the camping thing to rest. Just tell him you are sorry that you didn't tell him at the outset you were too tired to camp, that you realize you seemed ungrateful, and that you'd like to move forward.

 

Thank you for your response. I apologized several times (actually may have over-apologized) for sounding ungrateful and assured him over and over again that I liked the trip but was just too sore which made me irritable. He accepted my apology and like I said, seemed to go back to normal happy go lucky (he didn't apologize, I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong).

 

An issue we've had that we've tried to resolve during pre-marital counseling is that he tends to "pretend" he is happier than he is because he doesn't want to cause problems. This seems to be what its happening now. Like he SEEMS ok, but he clearly isn't and isn't telling me what is going on. I feel lost and like my hands are tied. Im not sure how to deal with it as I've told him several times that he needs to let me know what is going on with him otherwise I can't make it better if its my fault or be there for him if it isn't.

[Priv]

I have rejected gf's before plenty of times. Usually it is is just not in the mood (tired, just getting up, needing to eat first whatever) at which point as far as I can remember give them a timeline... give me 30 min, or other act or eat first or whatever.

 

 

But... I will reject someone every time I don't feel connected. Makeup sex really isn't my thing. If there is still something in the air I am not going to have sex. Maybe your bf is the same. And honestly, you did not handle that trip well at all.

[stillafool]

Yes of course my husband has declined sex because he was too tired or didn't feel well. Just as I do sometimes. I don't think because he rejected you once that you should be this upset.

[evanescentworld]

An issue we've had that we've tried to resolve during pre-marital counseling is that he tends to "pretend" he is happier than he is because he doesn't want to cause problems. ....

Pre-marital counselling;

 

Did you participate in a group, during a 'workshop weekend' or did you opt for this, voluntarily, and privately as a couple, one-on-one with a counsellor?

 

have you ever tried the 'speaker/listener technique'?

 

Would you be able to remind him tactfully of his counselling 'admission' that he 'pretends' happy in order to appease the situation?

 

I ask all this because i used to work with a counselling organisation that ran obligatory pre-marital workshops, for those determined to marry in church.

'Obligatory' as se down by the church, as a condition....

[4givrnt4gtr]

 

But... I will reject someone every time I don't feel connected. Makeup sex really isn't my thing. If there is still something in the air I am not going to have sex. Maybe your bf is the same. And honestly, you did not handle that trip well at all.

 

Thanks everyone for the comments.

 

I agree, I have the sense that there is still something there but he won't tell me what it is. He keeps saying he is ok, no longer sad and despite the rejection, he acted this morning like nothing.

 

But tell me, from your point of view why did I not handle that trip well at all? What did I do wrong?

[4givrnt4gtr]

Pre-marital counselling;

 

Did you participate in a group, during a 'workshop weekend' or did you opt for this, voluntarily, and privately as a couple, one-on-one with a counsellor?

 

have you ever tried the 'speaker/listener technique'?

 

Would you be able to remind him tactfully of his counselling 'admission' that he 'pretends' happy in order to appease the situation?

 

I ask all this because i used to work with a counselling organisation that ran obligatory pre-marital workshops, for those determined to marry in church.

'Obligatory' as se down by the church, as a condition....

 

 

We went to one on one pre-marital counseling. Mostly my suggestion. This was when after two years together and five months engaged he unraveled after I made us late for something and said he thought he had proposed too soon and wasn't sure he wanted to marry me or even loved me. Before this we had never had any major problems and I swore up and down that we both were madly in love with each other from what he showed me throughout all that time.

 

This was a major issue (of course) that almost ended our relationship. I moved out for a few days after he said he wasn't sure what he wanted. I gave him the time and space to think things through. I gave him the ring back saying that once he really thought it through and actually wanted it, he could give it back. Otherwise, we could cut our loses then and move on.

 

This lasted about a week, where he literally unravelled. Couldn't go to work, couldn't do much of anything and even ended up sick. After a while we talked it over and he gave me the ring back. During our talks it came out that he had been really hating his job since they changed his responsibilities but since I insisted that he get a job before quitting his current one he had continued to suck it up even though he was miserable.

 

I apologized for making him feel pressured to stay in a bad situation agreed to trust him in whatever decision he made regarding his job. He quit that same week and hasn't had a steady job since then but has been working in the field he likes on a freelance basis. Since then I don't make any suggestions or comments about his work even though I know he is tense that he doesn't have anything secured.

 

Anyway, because of all that we went to pre-marital where he agreed to tell me what bothered him before it would get to that point where he would unravel like that. To be honest since then I have always been on edge that it may happen again, which is why this current situation concerns me.

[evanescentworld]

Leaving aside this latest episode, I get the impression you're walking on eggshells.

 

The level of communication you guys have, is found wanting....

 

And if this issue is manifesting after 6 months.... well, actually, i think it's a symptom.

Not a problem in and of itself.

it's part of a bigger issue, I feel....

 

Somethings awry here.....

[Got it]

Leaving aside this latest episode, I get the impression you're walking on eggshells.

 

The level of communication you guys have, is found wanting....

 

And if this issue is manifesting after 6 months.... well, actually, i think it's a symptom.

Not a problem in and of itself.

it's part of a bigger issue, I feel....

 

Somethings awry here.....

 

I agree. You guys don't seem to be honest with each other, or he isn't being honest about his feelings. You need honesty to work through things.

 

In regards to rejection, honey that happens all the time (not all the time but it happens). Wait for a pattern to start getting worried but men can be just as easily not in the mood as women.

 

In regards to your birthday, yeah I don't know. I think I would have clearly stated what I wanted for my birthday (and as a person who travels a lot I have put the lid on immediate personal traveling as well), and I can't say I wouldn't have snapped earlier. You have apologized and he either accepts it or not and should discuss why he can't.

 

You guys will definitely have to compromise in a marriage but I think it is concerning that you guys don't fight. Fighting in a healthy manner is healthy. Not fighting can me you guys aren't being authentic and may be conflict avoiding. In my first marriage, we didn't fight. At all. But we also didn't work through issues either. We just ignored them.

 

I HIGHLY recommend reading, by John Gottman, " The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". Really helpful for my husband and I. Also the Five Love Languages is a really good book as well.

 

And if you think there is any area you guys could improve on, go back to couples counseling. There is nothing wrong with that and you are just working on building a stronger foundation for your marriage. That is a proactive move!