dumped with no answers

[wicksee]

well, wicksee to summarise, it would appear that certainly she was to blame for exiting the relationship on apparently false pretenses, knowing Ben as she already did....

 

Maybe you were partly responsible for some of the near break-up crap, but if she was awful at communicating, then I'm certain it was far more on her side than originally appeared in the thread....

 

I posted elsewhere about the three must-have, absolutely vital components of a relationship...seems it was severely lacking...

 

I think right now you need to stop focusing on the whys hows and wherefores, and concentrate instead on your own progress and coming out of this.

 

If this is how she behaves, you can feel partly sorry for Ben.....

 

because she seems to make a habit of this....

Insanity is constantly repeating the same behaviour and expecting a different result...

Looks like she may be a case of 'nutsville'....

 

Thanks Evanescence, and I do/have appreciated all your responses.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to help me out.

 

I agree I need to stop focusing on this. Perhaps the real answers don't actually matter anymore.

[evanescentworld]

You're right, I don't think they actually do...

I think you're looking for a form of 'closure' but as the NC Guide clearly states, that, sadly, comes from you, not the dumper.

 

In this case, I think she's got her own set of problems....

[Chi townD]

Yes, that is true but if they had both looked after their respective 50%s, she may not have cheated. It's because he took his eye off the ball. He admitted as much. He has owned his part.

She kept her eye on the ball until she realised that no matter how many times she bounced it to him, he was never going to bounce it back.

 

At that point, she gave up.

And it was only at that point that he realised he should have joined the game with her.

 

No, sorry. I can't agree with that. She made a choice. No one forced her to cheat. She did it willingly and with the knowledge that she ALREADY dedicated herself to the OP. If she didn't want to work on the relationship, then she should have ended it with him before starting a relationship with someone else. That wasn't fair to him.

 

 

This wasn't his fault. It was her choice. And her choice was to betray.

[evanescentworld]

No, sorry. I can't agree with that. She made a choice. No one forced her to cheat. She did it willingly and with the knowledge that she ALREADY dedicated herself to the OP. If she didn't want to work on the relationship, then she should have ended it with him before starting a relationship with someone else. That wasn't fair to him.

 

 

This wasn't his fault. It was her choice. And her choice was to betray.

 

Jeezus, people are STILL not getting it, are they?

 

I don't know why I bother....

 

OK. Let me try again in short-syllable words.

 

She cheated.

Totally her FAULT.

She is to BLAME.

Bad choice.

Very BAD choice.

Completely Wrong.

 

She went about all she did, in completely the wrong way.

 

Relationship with op:

 

50/50 from the get-go.

Relationships always are.

Both parties RESPONSIBLE.

Fo maintenance, upkeep, nourishing, feeding and caring.

For each other, and the relationship.

 

For a relationship to fail, something goes awry on BOTH sides.

 

Maybe only 45% from one and only 05% from the other.

The relationship is at half-strength.

 

She devoted 0% of her side by abandoning. GUILTY. To BLAME. WRONG.

OP admits his shortfall.

 

Certainly he did not abandon the relationship, he is not to blame for what she did, he is not guilty for what she did.

 

He is responsible for his 50% and at some point, he didn't put in all his share. How much of his share? I can't tell. Nobody can.

 

This may have been the catalyst that caused her to withdraw, but we don't know. All we know is that she reacted completely inapproprately, and did the wrong thing.

 

Now, is that clearer?

[wicksee]

I think you're both correct. ;-)

 

 

We've been NC since Tuesday 13th Jan. This morning, this drops into my inbox:

Hi

 

I have been in two minds, toing and fowing, talking myself out of it, talking myself into it, and all sorts of things going through my head as to whether to reply to you. Even now, I'm still not sure it's the right thing to do.

 

With regards to having time and respect for you; you lost that right the moment you called me a ****. I know your emotions are running high and that you want to express your feelings and tell me how you feel, but there are ways of doing it.

There's a big difference between telling someone how you feel, and being nasty and spiteful. You've made assumptions about me!

 

You say you don't want communication to stop between us, but how can it carry on when you behave that way? I never know what kind of message I'm going to get next.

You want to know how I feel? I'm worried about you. Firstly, you went into my MacBook and looked up my browser history? I know you've said why you did it, but it's still doesn't make it right. And then to go and actually look up someone's address is also worrying to me. It doesn't matter how easy it was for you to find it, the fact you made an effort to get it worries me; it isn't normal behaviour and it made me feel uneasy and on edge.

If only I'd been so forth coming with my feelings earlier!

 

I don't want things to be bad between us either, but it's going to take time for us to be in a place where we can be friends again, for both of us I think. It's going to take you time because none of this is what you wanted, and it's going to take me time because I feel you've invaded my space and that I can't trust you.

 

I also want you to know that this message isn't about starting another argument, or antagonising you, or upsetting you in any way whatsoever; I just felt I had to reply to you to tell you how I feel and because I couldn't just leave things as they were.

x x

 

Context: I called her a **** in a text message, the night I found her car outside his house.

 

What do I do next please? I'm in the process of drafting a response and it looks like it's going to be a very long one. Do i send it? I think we both want to be friends eventually (NOT NOW!). Advice please.

[Light Breeze]

NO, DO NOT RESPOND. It's time for you to heal and move on, stay away from all this drama.

 

Too much hurt here to expect friendship if the future. If it (friendship) happens then it must come naturally.

Edited January 26, 2015 by Light Breeze

[JonjMie]

I think you're both correct. ;-)

 

 

We've been NC since Tuesday 13th Jan. This morning, this drops into my inbox:

 

 

Context: I called her a **** in a text message, the night I found her car outside his house.

 

What do I do next please? I'm in the process of drafting a response and it looks like it's going to be a very long one. Do i send it? I think we both want to be friends eventually (NOT NOW!). Advice please.

 

That's as near to closure as your going to get, she's had her say now stay away and don't contact her, it's a fairly intelligent letter actually as she isn't rubbing your nose in it about the other guy. She could have gone to town like you could have, sending another email reply isn't going to get you anywhere, like me, what do you expect to gain from it, be the bigger man and walk away now.

[Diezel]

Do not respond. This relationship is completely fractured and not even the thought of "being friends" should be crossing your mind.

 

For the first time in your life, control any emotions and DO NOT RESPOND.

 

If you want to, draft it and then type it in this thread, but do NOT. SEND. HER. ANYTHING.

 

Sometimes not responding is more therapeutic than responding at all.

[evanescentworld]

Job done.

you need say no more.

There is indeed, NOTHING more to say.

Part of her message is an ego-feed for herself.

 

"He is still paying attention, I can still connect with him. I can still gain his interest, I can still get to him, I still have what it takes to keep him on a string."

Furthermore, she is deflecting al her wrongdoings onto your shoulders.

You hd no right to call her a ***?

 

Oh really? No, I rather think you did....

 

you had no right to access her MacBook?

 

Paid off though, didn't it? had she not been guilty, it would not have mattered and she would not have minded. Those who have something to hide, are the most indignant upon discovery.

 

And this bit, confirms my piece on the 'Ego-Feed'...

 

I also want you to know that this message isn't about starting another argument, or antagonising you, or upsetting you in any way whatsoever; I just felt I had to reply to you to tell you how I feel and because I couldn't just leave things as they were.

 

 

I reiterate what you have now been told.

I join my fellow members in urging you to -

 

NOT RESPOND. DO NOT REPLY, REACT OR GIVE HER ANY HINT THAT YOU HAVE ANY INTEREST WHATSOEVER IN BREAKING NO CONTACT!!

 

Leave it be.

It's destructive and will eat away at you.

Give yourself closure, by shutting off all contact and preventing her from ever reaching you again.

 

Friendship be damned.

 

Really, is it worth holding out for friendship?

[Chi townD]

Do not respond to that garbage. That was sent to ease her guilt and put the blame of the demise of the relationship squarely on your shoulders.

 

 

She doesn't trust you? She was the one cheating and she doesn't trust YOU?!?! Dude, if you felt that things were off and not right, then you had every right to know what was going on with your relationship or to find out the real reason it ended. Because, you know damn well she wasn't going to be forthcoming with the truth. So, don't feel guilty about looking through her MacBook. She's just feeling guilty that you caught her out. She feels guilty because you now know the real reason. So, she sent that email to put the blame back on you. Trying to make you think that you're insane to go to those lengths. Well, if she wasn't cheating and remained faithful, I doubt you would ever had gone to those lengths.

 

 

Now, she's upset that you (I assume) that you called her a sl*t. Well, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck.... She's upset that you've made assumptions about her. No you didn't! You found out the truth so you didn't have to assume anything. You found out the truth and now know that she is a cheating sl*t.

 

 

Time to move on dude.

[BC1980]

I agree with all the others. Don't respond. The email is typical because it vilifies you, which, in turn, justifies her actions. It's amazing how quickly exes begin that process and turn on you. The last thing you need to do is agree with her and beg forgiveness. Not think you would, but the email is looking for that.

[wicksee]

Thanks for your answers guys.

 

I've written a response (1,600 words! ), but don't worry I have no intention of sending it. It was for my own therapy.

It certainly doesn't include any begging or forgiveness. Quite the opposite actually.

 

This email has made me feel angry. *I* can't be trusted?! *I* invaded her space??? WTF?? Who invaded MY personal space and violated MY trust by inviting him into our relationship??? What is this, some kind of joke? I feel no guilt/remorse for checking her laptop or driving to his house.

 

And why has she chosen to send this today... 2 weeks into NC? I think this is the longest we've been NC since the breakup... is that why? Concerned I'm moving on??

[Chi townD]

And why has she chosen to send this today... 2 weeks into NC? I think this is the longest we've been NC since the breakup... is that why? Concerned I'm moving on??

 

 

 

Well, sort of. You haven't contacted her and she's had a couple of weeks to think about how things went down and that caused some guilt to creep in.

 

 

Up until you found out the truth, I speculate that you were contacting her a lot and trying to get her to listen to reason. Then, you discovered the truth on your own and she's heard nothing from you since. She probably thinks that you view her as a bad person and a LOT of girls can't handle that. You caught her out and she felt guilty. So, she concocted that email to try and justify it her head that her actions were innocent and YOU were the crazy one.

 

 

I GUARANTEE you that if you continued to talk to her, the next thing she would tell you, "This other guy isn't the reason why we broke up." So, it's just best that you ignore her and move on. We can help you with that if you want it. But, only if you're serious about moving on.

[KBarletta]

Thanks for your answers guys.

 

I've written a response (1,600 words! ), but don't worry I have no intention of sending it. It was for my own therapy.

It certainly doesn't include any begging or forgiveness. Quite the opposite actually.

 

This email has made me feel angry. *I* can't be trusted?! *I* invaded her space??? WTF?? Who invaded MY personal space and violated MY trust by inviting him into our relationship??? What is this, some kind of joke? I feel no guilt/remorse for checking her laptop or driving to his house.

 

And why has she chosen to send this today... 2 weeks into NC? I think this is the longest we've been NC since the breakup... is that why? Concerned I'm moving on??

 

 

You have a right to be angry, and it's one of the recognized stages of grief, so it is natural.

 

I would just caution you to stick to NC no matter what. Because another stage of grief is "bargaining" - when you will have thoughts like "If only we had done this, or she had done that, or I had tried to do this ... then we would have been OK." And that stage (at least in my own experience) is most tempting to break NC.

 

Stick to NC, take care of yourself, talk to people, do things you enjoy. You will feel better!

[BC1980]

Thanks for your answers guys.

 

I've written a response (1,600 words! ), but don't worry I have no intention of sending it. It was for my own therapy.

It certainly doesn't include any begging or forgiveness. Quite the opposite actually.

 

This email has made me feel angry. *I* can't be trusted?! *I* invaded her space??? WTF?? Who invaded MY personal space and violated MY trust by inviting him into our relationship??? What is this, some kind of joke? I feel no guilt/remorse for checking her laptop or driving to his house.

 

And why has she chosen to send this today... 2 weeks into NC? I think this is the longest we've been NC since the breakup... is that why? Concerned I'm moving on??

 

The more you distance yourself, the more she will vilify you because you aren't playing into her "let's be on good terms" card. She only wants you in her orbit if you are willing to play by her rules. Sadly (but not uncommonly), her rules include agreeing that you are completely to blame, and she did no wrong.