dumped with no answers

[wicksee]

I was dumped by my gf about 8 weeks ago, after a 2-year relationship. She left saying she was unhappy in the relationship. I haven’t seen her or even heard her voice since then. All communication has been through email/text/Whatsapp/FB.

 

I had no idea she was unhappy, this came out of the blue for me. I knew we had niggles, but nothing so serious that couldn’t be fixed (as far as I knew!). Consequently, I was not very receptive to her when she came home to ‘talk about things’. She handed me a piece of paper with her thoughts and feelings (she’s not good at discussing feelings, or confrontation). I read the paper and became a bit agitated/frustrated, it seemed from what she’d written that it was all over. It said things like “I feel we’ve lost our connection and I don’t know if we can get it back”. I wasn’t angry or shouty, but I must’ve seemed dismissive or irritated or something. She then suggested that she go and stay with her sister, and went to pack an overnight bag. She came downstairs and said “should I leave or not?”. Now, I should’ve said “NO! please stay”. I guess that’s what she was digging for. But I didn’t. In my shocked state, it was her idea to leave, who am I to stop her? If she doesn’t want to stay, I’m not going to beg! So I said “if you *want* to leave, then you should leave”. That was the last time I saw her. She was gone. All I could see out the window was she was trying to hold back tears as she drove away. I so wish I’d asked her to stay.

 

After that we still had contact sporadically. She told me it was all over a few days later, by email. I had to ask for an answer as I was being physically sick with worry. I was away for the weekend and when I came home, all her stuff was gone, and the key was posted back through the letterbox (the house belongs to me). She left a note asking me to forgive her, and that she wanted to be friends one day. I wrote her a huge email with all my jumbled thoughts, acknowledging that maybe things weren’t as good as I thought, but that we could try to fix them. I pleaded with her to try again. It took 9 days for the reply. The reply was also a long email, explaining that she’s not in love with me anymore, and that she feels she made the right decision.

 

We continued sending long emails to each other (always initiated by me), I was desperate for answers. In some of them it seemed like there were glimmers of hope, others seemed cold and distant. None of them answered my questions – she either ignored a question or said she just didn’t know the answers. I said this was really hard for me, she said she’d found it hard too, and that she’d cried 3 times today alone, and that she was really sorry for causing me pain. I found this confusing. Throughout all this I’d been hearing from mutual friends that she was crying a lot, not sleeping, wondering if she’d made the right choice. This of course gave me hope, yet her answers mostly shut that hope down quite quickly.

 

We stayed as friends on FB until near xmas (about a month post-breakup). I got so tired of obsessively checking her FB page for clues as to what went wrong, that I unfriended her. A few days after that, I blocked her, as I was still checking her FB page for clues. I did it for my own sanity, not out of any spite or malice.

 

We didn’t talk for a week. After New Year, I contacted her asking if we could talk on the phone. At first she said she didn’t think I wanted anything to do with her, as I’d blocked her on FB! (I guess she was checking my FB page– how else would she know that?!). She then agreed to a phone call, but she was going away for the weekend, so she said she would contact me when she got back. She never did. 5 days later I text her again, and said she’d made her feelings clear by not contacting me. She said she didn’t know what to say to me and that it wouldn’t do any good. This made me frustrated and feel rejected again. I told her to just forget it!

 

A few days later (by this time it’s 6 weeks post-breakup) a friend told me she’d posted something on FB, tagging a guy called Ben. The day she walked out, she left her laptop here. I logged on and checked her browser history for clues (that was the first and only time I’d ever done such a thing – I trusted her implicitly and had no need). I found she’d been FB messaging the very same Ben for at least a month prior to her walking out. At the time I dismissed it, I’d never heard of him so assumed he was an old school friend or something. But now after this FB post things started adding up in my mind. I found this guy’s address in the phone book, and the next night I went round there. Lo and behold – her car was outside!!! This was at 11pm, way past her regular bed time! My world collapsed, I felt sick to the core. It was a dark, horrible feeling of betrayal, jealousy, anger, hurt, misery, sickness, a shattered ego and a broken heart. She’d just destroyed my faith in her, everything I thought she was, was a lie. I sent her several text messages, swearing and calling her names. Not very gentlemanly I know, but I was in a state. I’d certainly never done that before, our relationship was always quite calm, we very rarely argued.

 

I’m not sure if she cheated on me (probably not), but she was messaging this guy for a while before she ended our relationship. In my mind she was laying the foundations, emotionally cheating. And sleeping with him just 6 weeks after dumping me seemed far too soon. It just feels like she has nothing left for me anymore, while I’m still here madly in love with her. It seems so unfair.

 

Since I sent those abusive texts, she told me not to contact her again, she’s blocked me on FB and Whatsapp, and won’t answer my emails. I did text to apologise for calling her names, she said “apology accepted”. Whether it is or not, I have no idea. I’ve now deleted her number from my phone. Our relationship has deteriorated so far, so quickly, and I have no real idea why?! We were deeply in love at one point!

 

She is still FB friends with my sister though, and she hasn’t deleted any of our pictures together. If she hates me so much now, why wouldn’t she do so? Will we ever be friends again? Or is there no hope? Has she moved on already? How can she move on so quickly?? What does she think of me? Does she still care? I’m still not over her, and can’t see that happening for a while yet. I’m not interested in any other women. I want our relationship back, but my head knows it can never happen. I’ve never been so confused over a breakup before.

 

She said she never intended to walk out that day, but my reaction made her feel bad. I can understand that. She’s also said we both got complacent in the relationship, and that’s also true. But we were both to blame for that (me more so probably), so why do I want to fix it and she doesn’t??? how can she just walk away? She said she thought we were for keeps, and so did I. She used to joke that I’d never get rid of her, that I was stuck with her for life. Now she’s just thrown us away.

 

We’re now in no contact, for just over a week and I’m starting to miss her like mad, and am worried sick she’s moved on already. Do we just continue like that forever? What happens now? Will I ever speak to her again? I think I’ve realised we’ll never get back together. But I still miss her as my friend, desperately. Does she miss me too?

 

I feel I’ve been treated quite poorly since the breakup, am I wrong to feel that?

[JonjMie]

Mate I have had similar done to me, I had the gut feeling and I found out I was right, this was january last year.

 

She wanted to go my friend, the bit about should I go or not is bull****, she was going anyway, and it hurts but she would have probably at the very least got to a meeting stage with this Ben before she walked out on you, some time has passed so you should now concentrate on yourself and let her go. You dont have a relationship with her, dont contact her anymore and move on my friend or your going to delay the pain.

[KBarletta]

You were blindsided by this, and to you it seems sudden. "How can she move on so soon?"

 

The answer is, she was quietly moving on before she left, without telling you. Chances are quite good that she had been mulling this in her head for weeks before, maybe months. Thus, she did a lot of her grieving before leaving, if you will. That's why it seems so sudden to you that she's moved on, but it's really just that she was doing her moving on already, without telling you. Not fair, but there's nothing you can do about it.

 

She had (at least) an emotional affair before she left. Sounds as if it's turned into a physical one. Not easy to accept, but, again, nothing you can do.

 

The best things you can do for yourself right now are:

 

1. Accept that she's gone and don't try to get her back. She doesn't want you to contact her, so if you do you are only going to upset her and make her lose respect for you. Resist that urge.

 

2. Take care of yourself. Talk to people, get good sleep, eat right, drink lots of water. Exercise, etc.

 

3. Use your time wisely. You admit you made mistakes in the relationship. Work on remaking yourself into a better person. Become the guy you always wanted to be.

 

Remember, the only thing you control in this situation is yourself, so that's what you need to focus on.

[LovelyDaze]

We are so sorry for your pain, wicksee. Obviously, many here have been there where you are or are still going through it. You have support.

 

It will be really, really tough but try not to DELAY your healing by doing things that will further harm it: Looking at her FB, driving by places you know she might/will be, calling/texting her for answers, looking at the supposed new guy's FB, etc. Doing those things is like getting a terribly open wound. Instead of putting antibiotics and a warm bandage to heal it in time, you keep cutting with a sharp, dull, rusty blade. How does that help??

 

What you are going through right now is a kaleidoscope of high drama that your heart and mind does NOT need right now. Go NC and work on your own self worth and healing. Imagine if you both were "stuck" with each other and she was seeing that Ben behind your back for years and years. You don't deserve that.

 

Most of us who had our hearts broke believe if we could just get our exes to have a good heart to heart over coffee, the most mind-blowing sex night than we ever did as a couple, a long, lengthy e-mail pouring out our heart in bloom, go beating on their door on our hands and knees with gift in hand...they will see and REALIZE we were truly the one and take us back.

 

People on here have said "Oh we would go to counseling too" " We will go back to being friends first, of course" "We would talk over ALL of our mistakes and fix them". Nope. That's why when ANYTHING breaks, it is never quite the same as it was in it's original form. It is still cracked or torn or shredded or shattered in some way.

 

It takes a LOT for the value of it to be appreciated more than it was before and that takes much work on both parties. That's why going back with an ex is usually not successful. One usually never changes and doesn't want to do the work. Just read some stories on LS where someone took an ex back and the same thing happened(cheating, lying, physical/mental abuse etc.), leaving the dumpee having to go back to DAY ONE in the healing process where if they didn't take the ex back, they could have been happy in their lives and in lots of cases,in love with a great new boyfriend/girlfriend!

 

I know you can't see it now, but trust us, it WILL get better in time. Trust yourself that you are a man that deserves to be loved by a great woman who will treat you right and will be happy to have great communication with you. Just work on that yourself and don't go backwards.

[towardthefuture]

Sounds like she cheated on you with Ben and left you for him. I know it's tough and you're going to be wondering how you can get her back, but take it from me -- you can't put that genie back in the bottle. Don't make the same post BU mistakes I did. Don't talk to her. Just work out, go through the process, and eventually you'll find another girl.

[evanescentworld]

She laid hints.

She desperately wanted this to work.

She wanted you to 'fight for her'.

But the fire from you, to her, faded long ago.

 

She wanted you to at least try to re-ignite the spark.

 

You only behaved the way she wanted you to react, AFTER the door was closed.

 

It seems she got into an EA with this 'Ben' guy.

 

Why?

Because he provided what you didn't.

Whether that was reasonable or not o her part, is beside the point.

There was a vast gap, a lacking in your relationship.

 

...(she’s not good at discussing feelings, or confrontation)

I used to write letters to my H.

It wasn't because I wasn't good at discussing my feelings or bad at confrontation.

It's because he wasn't.

it's because he listened, but didn't 'hear'.

 

I suspect that she may have felt the same way with regard to your responses.

She had a way of communicating but you were unresponsive and/or unreceptive...

 

And in fact, you now admit that you said things in reply to her letter, and her question, that in hindsight you shouldn't have.

 

She NEEDED to hear something from you.

And you never gave it to her.

 

I read the paper and became a bit agitated/frustrated, it seemed from what she’d written that it was all over. It said things like “I feel we’ve lost our connection and I don’t know if we can get it back”. I wasn’t angry or shouty, but I must’ve seemed dismissive or irritated or something. She then suggested that she go and stay with her sister, and went to pack an overnight bag. She came downstairs and said “should I leave or not?”. Now, I should’ve said “NO! please stay”. I guess that’s what she was digging for. But I didn’t. In my shocked state, it was her idea to leave, who am I to stop her? If she doesn’t want to stay, I’m not going to beg! So I said “if you *want* to leave, then you should leave”.

 

You actually have answers.

You're just not listening again.

 

so why do I want to fix it and she doesn’t??? how can she just walk away? She said she thought we were for keeps, and so did I. She used to joke that I’d never get rid of her, that I was stuck with her for life. Now she’s just thrown us away.

 

You want to fix it, and she doesn't.

She's been wanting you (both) to 'fix it' for ages.

You even had the opportunity to start fixing it when she gave you the letter.

 

For her, now, there's been too much water under the bridge, and the stable door is shut, but the horse has bolted.

 

Too little too late.

Women can never find it again, once it's gone.

 

SHE hasn't 'thrown you away'.

This was a joint effort, dude.

 

Stay NC, maintain NC face the fact it is well and truly over, delete all possible avenues of contact, block same, and move on.

 

And learn from the experience.

When women want to talk, be receptive.

 

Listen.

 

It will pay dividends.

[towardthefuture]

She laid hints.

She desperately wanted this to work.

She wanted you to 'fight for her'.

But the fire from you, to her, faded long ago.

 

She wanted you to at least try to re-ignite the spark.

 

You only behaved the way she wanted you to react, AFTER the door was closed.

 

It seems she got into an EA with this 'Ben' guy.

 

Why?

Because he provided what you didn't.

Whether that was reasonable or not o her part, is beside the point.

There was a vast gap, a lacking in your relationship.

 

I used to write letters to my H.

It wasn't because I wasn't good at discussing my feelings or bad at confrontation.

It's because he wasn't.

it's because he listened, but didn't 'hear'.

 

I suspect that she may have felt the same way with regard to your responses.

She had a way of communicating but you were unresponsive and/or unreceptive...

 

And in fact, you now admit that you said things in reply to her letter, and her question, that in hindsight you shouldn't have.

 

She NEEDED to hear something from you.

And you never gave it to her.

 

 

 

You actually have answers.

You're just not listening again.

 

 

 

You want to fix it, and she doesn't.

She's been wanting you (both) to 'fix it' for ages.

You even had the opportunity to start fixing it when she gave you the letter.

 

For her, now, there's been too much water under the bridge, and the stable door is shut, but the horse has bolted.

 

Too little too late.

Women can never find it again, once it's gone.

 

SHE hasn't 'thrown you away'.

This was a joint effort, dude.

 

Stay NC, maintain NC face the fact it is well and truly over, delete all possible avenues of contact, block same, and move on.

 

And learn from the experience.

When women want to talk, be receptive.

 

Listen.

 

It will pay dividends.

 

This is true. Exact same thing happened to me, OP. Read this post twice.

 

I'd give me left foot to go back in time and do it again. But there aren't any do overs in life.

[wicksee]

Thank you all for your honest answers. I wanted to hear this from her.

I'd be the first to admit I haven't been perfect. At times I've been lazy, complacent and unreceptive to her. At other times I was a model bf.

 

On the flip side I could say the same about her sometimes. Between the 2 of us, I guess we screwed it up. Such a shame, we were a beautiful couple and so close at one point. Things had gone stale in the last couple of months. Our sex life went off the boil (no idea why!). We both seemed to lose interest, looking back on it.

 

I totally agree I screwed up on that day. I think she really did want me to stop her leaving, to show some fight . One thing's for sure I'll never make that mistake again! I was just in total shock, I didn't think things were so bad!

 

As for the EA well that's something my ego finds difficult to accept. She is much better at expressing her feelings through written words, and finds it impossible to verbalise them. That's how me and her got together - emailing each other at work. I think she found it impossible to talk to me verbally at home, but possibly easier to do by FB with some other guy. I do wonder if this pattern will repeat in her future relationships.

 

The one thing you all agree on is that it's well and truly over. I think I know this, but can we ever be friends?

[evanescentworld]

.....The one thing you all agree on is that it's well and truly over. I think I know this, but can we ever be friends?

 

Sure you can.

But only when you have both reached a level of 'benign indifference'.

No animosity, resentment, anger.... but no feeling of love, pangs of regret, and 'if only'.... in other words when you can look at one another with a 'meh.... that was then, this is now'....THEN - you can be friends.

[wicksee]

This is true. Exact same thing happened to me, OP. Read this post twice.

 

I'd give me left foot to go back in time and do it again. But there aren't any do overs in life.

 

I've read it 5 times. I think it is true and I am kicking myself.

[wicksee]

Sure you can.

But only when you have both reached a level of 'benign indifference'.

No animosity, resentment, anger.... but no feeling of love, pangs of regret, and 'if only'.... in other words when you can look at one another with a 'meh.... that was then, this is now'....THEN - you can be friends.

 

Hmm. That's going to take a while.

[Satu]

We’re now in no contact, for just over a week and I’m starting to miss her like mad, and am worried sick she’s moved on already. Do we just continue like that forever? What happens now? Will I ever speak to her again? I think I’ve realised we’ll never get back together. But I still miss her as my friend, desperately. Does she miss me too?

 

I feel I’ve been treated quite poorly since the breakup, am I wrong to feel that?

 

You're not wrong to feel the way you feel. Nobody is. We feel how we feel.

 

I'm sure that she will miss you at times, but she'll be getting on with her life, and probably won't be thinking about you very much.

 

The best course of action for you now is total no contact.

 

No direct contact.

No contact through third parties.

No contact through 'little birds' that feed you news.

No social media where you will see her activity.

 

Some short term counselling might help you adjust to your new situation.

 

Other than that, its all about being good to yourself.

[towardthefuture]

I've read it 5 times. I think it is true and I am kicking myself.

 

Looking back I'm not sure I would get all the signals a second time around. But the take-away, at least for me, is, besides trying harder to decipher the female communication style of passive hinting, is it's important to have regular sit downs and check ins about your relationship with your partner and solicit some more direct communication. Aka talk about your relationship and what's going wrong.

 

Basically the same thing you would have done had you done marriage counseling.

[KBarletta]

Looking back I'm not sure I would get all the signals a second time around. But the take-away, at least for me, is, besides trying harder to decipher the female communication style of passive hinting, is it's important to have regular sit downs and check ins about your relationship with your partner and solicit some more direct communication. Aka talk about your relationship and what's going wrong.

 

Basically the same thing you would have done had you done marriage counseling.

 

 

This is good advice, and something I wish I could go back and do differently. It can be frustrating when a partner is passive in their communication and expects you to pick up on subtle hints instead of coming out and stating exactly what they are thinking. And when they do that and you don't pick up on it, then they get frustrated too and it becomes a viscous cycle.

 

Regular "state of the union" conversations are a good idea for anyone, but especially when you have at least one partner with a passive aggressive style of hint-dropping.

[wicksee]

No joke, when we first started out, if she felt something, she'd post it on Facebook using one of those meme things. Stuff like "if you want me, show me" etc., and I had to get my cues from that.

 

As recently as I can remember we were still professing our love for each other; I'm not sure what I was supposed to have picked up on.

 

I guess check-in sessions are the only answer to this!

[EuTuBrute]

 

And learn from the experience.

When women want to talk, be receptive.

 

 

It will pay dividends.

 

 

When women want to talk is key. Mine had communication skills of a 3 year old. I would have loved for her to talk. That would have saved my relationship

[wicksee]

When women want to talk is key. Mine had communication skills of a 3 year old. I would have loved for her to talk. That would have saved my relationship

 

Whilst not absolving myself of responsibility, I do agree with this. If I'd known about the problems sooner (whatever they were, I'm still not sure!), then I do think something could've been done before it was too late.

 

I'm not very good at picking up subtle signals - from anyone - and I don't think she was very good at giving them either. Between the 2 of us, I guess it wasn't a good recipe.

[Kevin_D]

When will they every learn...? When will they eeeeveeer learn?

 

I was so aware of how frequently this happens to young women, I even talked to my ex about it:

 

"There will most certainly come a time in the future, when you will fall for somebody and begin to question our relationship. This is very natural after a few years when the spark is not as strong, but it means nothing".

 

She cried the entire night, accusing me for "not believing in" us...

 

Fast-forward 5 years and the exact thing happened.

 

Do you believe in karma? I mean, what kind of guy flirts with someone who has been in a long-term relationship? Can they actually feel joy when they ruin it? "Hahaha, they had been together for years but yet she picked me!!!".

 

It just seems so strange to me how people can be happy in relationships that started with emotional cheating.

[evanescentworld]

A high quota of relationships begin that way.

 

It is what it is.

 

If we're dissatisfied with our sofa, or a refrigerator , we start the search for a new sofa, or refrigerator.

But we continue to use that sofa/refrigerator, until we get a replacement.....

[Itspointless]

I mean, what kind of guy flirts with someone who has been in a long-term relationship? Can they actually feel joy when they ruin it? "Hahaha, they had been together for years but yet she picked me!!!".

I never understood that either. Yeah I understand the logic, I just do not understand how people are able to do that. But I guess I am weird as I see that happen so often. Or people who cheat just because they are bored. Do not get me wrong some people are married with a-holes or witches, but usually I guess people are just lazy.

[KBarletta]

I mean, what kind of guy flirts with someone who has been in a long-term relationship?.

 

 

Most likely one thinking with his d*** and not his head. Not always the best basis for a long term relationship.

[Chi townD]

I've read it 5 times. I think it is true and I am kicking myself.

 

 

 

No, stop kicking yourself. THIS WASN'T YOUR FAULT! If there were problems in the relationship then you can own up to 50% of those problems and she can own up to the other 50%, but her cheating on you was 100% on her! That wasn't your fault.

 

 

And she was cheating on you. She had an emotional affair with this Ben guy and it was probably physical to some degree. And her cheating on you and becoming emotionally invested in this other guy that made her decide to leave. So, for the most part, forget about what you read 5 times. Because, when you think about it, she gave you every excuse on why she was leaving and it was that she wasn't in love with you anymore because YOU didn't do this, that or the other. Never once did she say that she was leaving you for another man. Never once did she mention this Ben guy. YOU had to find out for yourself. Therefore, she hid it from you. Thus, she's a cheater. She left you because she's a cheater. That wasn't your fault. She left you because she lied and betrayed you, that wasn't your fault. She continues to lie to you.

 

 

So, stop kicking yourself and blaming yourself. She was the one that was shady, not you.

[evanescentworld]

No, stop kicking yourself. THIS WASN'T YOUR FAULT! If there were problems in the relationship then you can own up to 50% of those problems and she can own up to the other 50%, but her cheating on you was 100% on her! That wasn't your fault.

 

 

And she was cheating on you. She had an emotional affair with this Ben guy and it was probably physical to some degree. And her cheating on you and becoming emotionally invested in this other guy that made her decide to leave. So, for the most part, forget about what you read 5 times. Because, when you think about it, she gave you every excuse on why she was leaving and it was that she wasn't in love with you anymore because YOU didn't do this, that or the other. Never once did she say that she was leaving you for another man. Never once did she mention this Ben guy. YOU had to find out for yourself. Therefore, she hid it from you. Thus, she's a cheater. She left you because she's a cheater. That wasn't your fault. She left you because she lied and betrayed you, that wasn't your fault. She continues to lie to you.

 

 

So, stop kicking yourself and blaming yourself. She was the one that was shady, not you.

 

Yes, that is true but if they had both looked after their respective 50%s, she may not have cheated. It's because he took his eye off the ball. He admitted as much. He has owned his part.

She kept her eye on the ball until she realised that no matter how many times she bounced it to him, he was never going to bounce it back.

 

At that point, she gave up.

And it was only at that point that he realised he should have joined the game with her.

[Light Breeze]

OP, can learn from those mistakes and not repeat them in the future.

 

However, whose fault it is or not is irrelevant at this point.

 

Cheating is cheating, it can't be justified no matter what.

[evanescentworld]

OP, can learn from those mistakes and not repeat them in the future.

 

However, whose fault it is or not is irrelevant at this point.

 

Cheating is cheating, it can't be justified no matter what.

No, it IS her fault.

 

It is THEIR responsibility.