paradox Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 When would you expect a guy to say the "L" word? I've been with my one for 7 months now, but he still just "(really) likes me". I don't know if I expect too much to soon or if it's better to break up soon before I fall too much for him.
alphamale Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 if he really luvs you it will be around the 6 month mark, give or take a month or two.
TouchedByMoreThanAnA Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 It took me about 2 months to say I love you to my fiance. I with my only other long term relationship I was in your exact position. I stayed with her for a year and never heard it - I fell hard and she just didn't. In my opinion 7 months is plenty of time to know if you love someone or not. Has he been hurt by someone really badly - that might play into it.
Merin Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 Maybe the L word just makes him uncomfortable... My BF has told me he Loves me.. but yeah.. the word scares the crap out of him Ever told your BF you love him?
Author paradox Posted March 30, 2005 Author Posted March 30, 2005 Thanks alphamale!I'll probably give it another months, though i must say if anything it will be quite difficult to break up after such a long time
Author paradox Posted March 30, 2005 Author Posted March 30, 2005 No Merin never did. I want it to come from the guy first. Anyone has any idea how they behave when they are in love?
Author paradox Posted March 30, 2005 Author Posted March 30, 2005 He had some long term relationship before me and he did say it didn't go that well, but don't think he was hurt 'cause he didn't love that girl either.
hanksandbubbles Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 hmmm..signs that someone is in love with you...i think you would just 'know' if someone was. But i'll try to give my best account of this. Well, the person would look deeply into your eyes as if trying to see into your soul. If this action alone gives you the flutters, that would be a good sign. This person would also want to meet their family, friends and any other important people in their life. Ummm...I really don't have any other idea. I was actually just thinking about when to say the "L" word. I agree with you that the guy should say the first "I love you". Though if you really feel something now and he still hasn't said anything (especially if you guys have been together for about 7 months) I would mention something casually about your feelings for him. I think this is best rather than to scream "I LOVE YOU" randomly one day ..hope this helps..and good luck!
hanksandbubbles Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 hmmm..signs that someone is in love with you...i think you would just 'know' if someone was. But i'll try to give my best account of this. Well, the person would look deeply into your eyes as if trying to see into your soul. If this action alone gives you the flutters, that would be a good sign. This person would also want to meet their family, friends and any other important people in their life. Ummm...I really don't have any other idea. I was actually just thinking about when to say the "L" word. I agree with you that the guy should say the first "I love you". Though if you really feel something now and he still hasn't said anything (especially if you guys have been together for about 7 months) I would mention something casually about your feelings for him. I think this is best rather than to scream "I LOVE YOU" randomly one day ..hope this helps..and good luck!
Cecelius Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 Depends on the guy, but most men figure they make the first phone call, they'll wait till she says it first
alphamale Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 I believe that the woman should ask the man to be an exclusive couple but of course this comes before the "I luv you" from either party. I still haven't figured out who should say "I luv u" first. I guess it is just a case by case basis. Sometimes I said it first (usually during the throes of steamy sex) and somethimes she has said it first.
Donut Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 Within the first three months. I think the guy should say it first.
Author paradox Posted March 30, 2005 Author Posted March 30, 2005 Yea it's difficult to say. He calls me everyday, always wants to have sex when we are together, would always prefer to touch my breasts.,etc rather than simply hug and kiss. At the same time I did see one of his relatives and he says im his best gf so far. All this is a bit confusing..
lovelylady Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 You know, I just really don't think it's possible to say when the "right" time is for someone to say they love you. It all depends on the two people involved and the dynamics of their relationship. Some people just are not that communicative. I love my boyfriend - in fact, i've been wanting to say "I love you" since - well it's been months - and I still can't say it because I want him to say it first. On the one hand, I realize it's silly to wait, and on the other hand, knowing him, it makes all the more sense in my mind to wait. We were "lumpily" together for 10 months and now have been firmly together for the last 3. 13 months and no I love you's from either one of us. No, I don't think it's the norm, but I also don't think is a "right" time frame within which such a declaration should be made. There just isn't. Every one is different and so is every relationship.
Author paradox Posted March 31, 2005 Author Posted March 31, 2005 Lovelylady does your bf behaves like he is in love? Do you feel that he is? If i would feel that with my one i probably wouldn't even raise the issue, but i don't and i don't want to be used or had for fun..
curiousnycgirl Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 My b/f said it at about 6 or 7 months, so I guess Alphamale is right. I still haven't been able to bring myself to say it! I don't know what's stopping me and I know it bothers him, but I just can't. However I do tell him that I love specific things about him, etc. Paradox I am confused the actions you described, specifically always wants to have sex when we are together, would always prefer to touch my breasts.,etc rather than simply hug and kiss. does not sounds like love as much as lust to me. Of course lust is a very important part of the equation - but its not all of it. I'm not saying he's not there, I just don't think the example you gave is all that good. My overwhelming feeling on this topic is that actions speak far louder than words. I don't really care what they say, but pay careful attention to what they do.
lovelylady Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 Of course you don't want to be used Paradox, nobody does. I do believe my boyfriend feels love for me. I don't know if he feels that he is "in love" with me but I also don't think he himself knows exactly how deep his feelings are for me because he has real issues with dealing with his feelings (as a child, he was abandoned by his mom and then totally neglected by his other care-giver (grandma.) He's been on his own since he was 15 and he's now a 41 year old man who has never been married and has has only had 2 serious relationships. One when he was 18 that lasted a year and one when he was 37 that lasted two years (with a woman who cheated on him for 6 months of those two years.) Everyone person approaches a relationship with a past already under their belt - and as far as I'm concerned, the more you understand that past and any kind of hurt that person experienced in it, the more you'll understand how freely he/she allows himself/herself to love. I know he wants to be with me. For him, developing trust for another person (especially a woman) is a long, long affair. I knew it getting into it. I knew I would have to wait a LONG time. In the meantime, I just continue building the relationship - trying to make it the kind of relationship/friendship that he would never, ever want to lose or have change. It sounds to me like maybe you should have a conversation w/him and ask him where he would like your relationship to go - or perhaps where he sees it as heading....can you do that? have you done that?
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 It's ridiculous that you're all putting a timeline on love. No, there isn't one. Some people are very passionate/stupid and say it quickly, but I think it's more special if you wait until you're absolutely certain this is the person. Love isn't Hollywood, it's sacred. I'm always skeptical to see teenagers claiming to be in love, especially after only a number of months.
Author paradox Posted March 31, 2005 Author Posted March 31, 2005 Lovelylady I did ask him. He was never able to come up with some kind of answer. All he can say is that he likes me and that he likes many things about me Chariot if it's been a long time and i'm intimate with a person and feel for him, i do expect some feelings in return at least in actions form or else i don't see the point in the relationship.
lovelylady Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 You know Paradox, it really can be tough to figure out where a guy's coming from, especially if he seems not to be clear on it himself. We all have our own meter for when we feel things should be happening. Maybe you're simply further ahead in your feelings than he is in his. You can wait it out and keep things the way they're moving now, or you could maybe distance yourself a little bit and see how he responds (that's what i did and it worked very well.) OR, if you're feeling strongly insecure about where he's coming from, you could consider not seeing him anymore. However, I think that just because he hasn't said he loves you AND that he can't give you a clear answer on how he feels about you, DOESN'T mean he doesn't have strong feelings for you. Are the two of you in a committed relationship? Also, if you don't mind my asking, how old is he?
Author paradox Posted March 31, 2005 Author Posted March 31, 2005 It is committed relationship. Im 21, he is 36. Some of my friends say that with such an age difference they would expect to be treated differently. He does place too much emphasis on sex and I can't go on sleeping with him feeling unsure as to weather his feelings for me are real. Im gonna ask him this week what it's all about and if he'l be vague and uncertain again i'll end it.
RecordProducer Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 It took my BF a couple of months (LDR). He is the love of my life.
lovelylady Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Yeah, I think it's good that you press for clarification. All I can say about the age difference thing is - on the one hand, it doesn't make much difference - and on the other, it makes all the difference in the world, simply because someone 15 years older, has 15 years more experience than you do and a more sophisticated understanding of how to navigate themselves through relationships. 5 years ago when I was 26, I was seeing this guy who was 36 and he was very ambiguous as well - and once I started to accept his ambiguity, it was hard for me to stop accepting his ambiguity (it just became a habit - my being ok w/him not knowing where he stood) and he always said the same thing to me "I really like being with you" ...and I fell for him. The sex became a really powerful tool for him to sort of string me along (I won't even go into the complication of him being my boss) and I ended up staying in the relationship for 3 years. Which really wasn't a healthy thing for me to do. Very smart to get clarification now. And listen to your gut - it can help you make up for those 15 years of less experience.
Author paradox Posted April 1, 2005 Author Posted April 1, 2005 Lovelylady, thanks a lot for your advice. I'l try to sort things out with him this weekend. Im definitely not waiting for him for years. It's bizarre. I always thought if a guy is using you then he'l just do it with you and leave, but when he keeps staying and all he says is "i like you", "like many things about you", "being with you".,etc then I just don't get it.
lovelylady Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 you're welcome paradox yes, i understand not being able to understand long-term "using" - i had never experienced it before (and frankly, i really still don't understand it - it's more than just using someone for sex) i only know that it can certainly be harmful to the psyche.... BUT remember - you haven't had the conversation yet and you don't know that he is using you at all. good that you're going to discuss the situation with him and get a clearer picture of where things stand. Good luck! and feel free to post an update
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