newlyborn Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 first off, please excuse the obvious gender stereotyping implied in the title of this thread! i just really want to know what people think. do men knowingly overstate their interest just to get a relationship going? or do they get caught up in the excitement and really not know if they want to be with the woman they are pursuing? one of my best male friends for over ten years one day admitted to me that he had fallen in love. it took some months to agree to date him, but i eventually did. cue the backtracking: he insisted on an open relationship, which ended 8 months later, as did our friendship. another ex pursued me for months for a date. i agreed and eventually fell in love. he then insisted to me for over a year that we had what it took for our relationship to last even when we became long distance (we were together for over a year in the same place.) six months into the distance, i was dumped by phone... most recent guy i dated often told me how much he adored me, kept in frequent contact, told me had visions of marrying me -- and then slow faded when i finally slept with him after two months. i feel that i have lost such faith in dating. so, i am just really wondering whether men (or people in general) can be trusted to articulate their level of interest and actually follow through? if not, how do you manage to be skeptical when dating but still build and emotional bond?
LoveRefreshed Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Are you serious? I think people are unrealistic to expect huge things and love in the first couple of months. Love is something that grows over time. What they are experiencing, and many women experience to the contrary of your thought process, is called lust. I think it is normal to confuse the two. Both are a form of desire, but with different intention and I think they are easily confused. Also, men are typically physical beings, so distance kills emotions like DDT slays birds. Slow, but eventual. LDR rarely work IMO. Maybe a married couple with a long history, sure, but two freshly dating, no way.. not unless you can see that person often. You also have it from both sides that sexual compatibility is a major issue, so naturally, after a first round of sex, people lose interest if it wasn't what they are needing. I have been dumped when I was new to sex on more than one occasion for my performance (two girls when I was new stopped seeing me the night after we had sex).... Also, men like the challenge of pursuing and what not. So once they've won the prize, made the kill or whatever you want it, they move on. Are they lying? I don't think so, just not realizing the nature of themselves. There are liars out there, and those are the guys who cheat and what not. Also, the open relationship is bull**** if you say you're in love. In love means you do not need anything else because it won't be nearly as good. Sex without a connection is a small step above masturbation. Doesn't need to be love, but I find it hard to form such a meaningful connection with someone else when I am in love. As a man, I sometimes struggle with infatuation and love. I realize that if I barely know someone (just start dating or for 3 months but never went through a struggle together) then you can not be in love. You can find it possible to love them, be infatuated with them, and a strong interest, but love? No. So don't believe it when a guy says he is in love, he may think he is, but I think it is just a feeling of desire they have. I blame the beatles for this nonsense. "Do you believe in love at first sight.. yes I'm, certain it happens all the time." should be "sight... Absolutely not." 7
Gaeta Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Not easy, isn't it.... I think men live more in the moment than women do. I had my shares of relationships starting with fireworks than slowly dying (or quickly dying). I think when men feel that strong attraction they do act true to their feelings (living in the moment). But I also think men are less good at identifying what it is they feel. If I am totally infatuated with a man I know it's infatuation and I will only be able to identify my true feelings for the man after that period. I know that. I am conscious of it. I have noticed a man will often not make a difference between infatuation and love. He puts all those feelings in the same basket and does his best to sweep you off of your feet without analysing what it is he's feeling. Just look on here. When a female poster starts a thread she analyses and compartmentalizes her feelings, she is self-aware of the different steps and fragility of love. When a man posts a thread he does not go into this analytic process, all he knows is he wants her and he wants to be advice on how to get her. He is in the moment. 8
Author newlyborn Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 Not easy, isn't it.... I think men live more in the moment than women do. no, it is definitely not easy for me. i am naturally fairly guarded. and i like to be friends first. so guys usually have to work pretty hard for me to even put romance on the table. i think that i naively mistake their romantic pursuit for building a friendship. and then i find myself feeling totally duped when it turns out that, no, they didn't actually care about me as an actual person. they just wanted me at that time, and now they don't.
No Limit Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 By all means don't start anything with friends if you want to keep them. There's a guy in my friend circle I fell in love with too because we simply click well together, we were overall pretty close, but I never acted on it because I want to be able to talk to this guy all my life, not just the few years until we hit a rough patch and break up. Relief of a sort came when he started dating a girl from our friend group and they got together. At first I thought everything would stay the same but it became apparent that it couldn't when he suddenly started getting 'touchy'. A friend who's closer to his now-GF luckily did the talking and eventually he backed up too. Would I love to be at his side? Yeah. Would it be worth the risk? No.
preraph Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Watch actions, not words, because a lot of guys will say whatever they think you want to hear just to get laid. And then you also have to factor in that many people, both men and women, have this ideal in their head and they project that onto the man/woman they think is attractive and sort of assume they are the same person as the ideal in their head and they never are, and then they finally realize that. 2
carhill Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 do men know when they are lying? Yes, when their lips are moving. Everyone who is mentally competent knows when they're lying. We all lie. Maybe not right now, this moment but we have at some point in life and will again. It's human. However, relevant to feelings and intimate relationships and sex, emotions are involved and emotions are as fleeting as the brain chemistry which impels them and the resultant behaviors. Hence a guy could sincerely have feelings of love for you and, after sex, not. Yes, he could be lying to get you into bed but, just as easily, his feelings could change. Changing one's mind is not exclusively the purview of women. Given that it is impossible to read the minds of others and know whether their words are lies or not, go with what works for you. If the interaction works, that. If not, that. 3
Assada Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 The common denominator is you OP Keep that in mind
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