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I may have ruined my 6 year relationship, and totally regret it

lizzy12

By lizzy12
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Rainoflight Member

Rainoflight

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Wait a bit, there are some unclear facts here.

 

Did she ask him to go out together in this time? To have those moment out together or alone?

 

It is very important after they moved there if she wanted to go out alone or with him. And for me, that thing, flirting with other men, that was bad. After 6 years when we presume that all was really nice, you don't do that.

 

Did he knew?

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lizzy12 Member

lizzy12

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Posted
Lizzy12:

 

Asking some details in point form.

 

You said the attention guys gave you got to your head a bit, was that before you decided to ward off flirting?

 

Would you be cool with women flirting with your boyfriend if he says he didn't initiate the flirting?

 

What things do you regret saying to him?

 

How often did he hang out with you before and after your new life?

 

How did you neglected him in the last six months?

 

Did he ever joined you on one of those outings?

 

In the meantime,i believe he took your 2 weeks break suggestion as you are willing to risk losing him forever.That along with the six months of neglect,including your idea that he seems more boring than your new excitement made him feel disposable.

 

To answer your questions:

 

So the attention that the other guys gave was more like being friendly and interested in me, like saying hi when they saw me, being my friend, introduce me to more people, laughing, joke around, etc, or invite me out to hang out in a group for food, ice cream, the beach. Nice guys. One of the guys did try to flirt with me, but I told him that he shouldn’t do that cos I have a boyfriend, so after a while he did back off and now we're just friends. Other flirting was just random guys at the gym who would say ‘Hi. What’s your name? I see you in class, which ones do you do?’ etc etc and of course I would reply back and if I see them again then I’ll just say hi.

 

I guess it got to my head because normally my bf doesn't pay that much attention to me. He is a good listener when I need someone to listen to me. He is a good comforter. Usually at home for the past 5.5 years, we will each do our own thing. He does his own thing on his laptop (work) or play computer games and I will do my own thing (laptop) and it would be a 'companionable silence' until it’s time for bed. My boyfriend says he really loves that. He finds it really fun that we are together at home, and he plays his computer games or work and I will be sitting there next to him.

 

I have said many times that 'omg I'm so bored right now, and let's do something together'. He would tell me to go find something to do. He’d say why don’t you go read a book or something. Sometimes I would say ‘Don’t you feel like we should find some hobbies?’ He would say ‘you go and do what you want, I’m happy’. Sometimes I would say ‘you know you should have some hobbies, instead of just working all day and at home too’. He would say that he does have a hobby, his hobby is his work, and he just really really enjoys his work. I would say ‘yeah, but you still need something else, you can’t just work all the time’. He would say ‘look, I’m not stopping you from doing anything, if you want to do hobbies, you go and find hobbies, but I’m happy as I am’.

 

I said that I would like to make new friends. My boyfriend would say that I shouldn't need to 'feel' like I had to find people to make friends, if people are meant to be friends, there should be no work involved. I suggested things that we could do together, like dancing groups, rowing groups, maybe he could do some sport like football or learn the guitar. He would say that he is just too busy in his life right now to have the luxury of ‘making friends’ or doing hobbies. I said it would make him a more rounded person, but he says he is happy just the way he is.

 

In terms of how much we hung out together, we have been living together from the first 2 weeks of meeting each other (we couldn’t get enough of each other), actually studied together in the same university, and even the same subject and class. 'Hanging out' meant spending 24/7 in each other's company for 6 years. Literally wake up together, go to college together, come home together, cook together and then sleep. That was our routine. We would hang out together every weekend having coffee, movies or go shopping. Occasionally we would see friends for dinner. We used to travel a lot before we moved to another country, and take weekend breaks away. We had this 'bubble' where it was just us.

 

I wouldn't mind that other women flirt with my boyfriend because he wouldn't ever flirt back. Instead he would come home and laugh at whoever tried to flirt with him that day. He wasn't interested in anyone else. He is quite a picky guy!! He isn't the type who would flirt around or look at another woman. He actually says that 'most women are totally gross'.

 

The things that I regret saying to him (ok I know I'm mean here but I said somethings on impulse): 'I'm just not ready to settle down yet, you know if you asked me to marry you, I would say no', 'Sometimes I'm not sure if we are compatible', 'maybe we found each other too young', 'I can't just be stuck at home doing nothing', 'sometimes I do feel bored', 'I just want some freedom to do things right now’. I did say sorry I didn’t mean that I wanted freedom from you or that I wouldn’t marry you, it’s just I don’t think I’m ready right now.

 

In the way I neglected him, I suppose because he wouldn’t like to go out at the weekends anyway, I would ask ‘do you mind if I go out with my friends this Saturday, do we have any plans?’ he would always say ‘no, I’m just going to sleep in. you do what you want’. Later on he did tell me that I went out too much, that I was just hardly ever there at home anymore, it was like my brain was somewhere else. It was hard to reach me. It was like I just wanted a single life.

 

He never joined me in any of the outings. I offered, but he said he had no interest, he said he was just too busy or tired (which wasn’t true), he didn’t like doing those things. At first, he was like ‘omg I can’t believe you are hanging out with the people from the gym!!’ and I was like ‘so? They’re really nice! They’re just normal people you know!’ he said ‘that’s just sooo not me, I see them like people you see in the checkouts at the supermarket or mcdonalds, you just don’t hang out with them. It’s just sooo weird.’ He does feel a lot of people aren’t worth his time and effort, maybe 1 out of 1000 people he will click with. He says he is more a ‘one friend’ sort of person, not many. I guess he feels like the others are ‘just a waste of my time’. I would protest and say ‘but they’re just people, I’m friendly to everyone, I don’t mind hanging out with them. I think of them as normal people. You can have many different types of friends you know’. He would say that ‘sure, you hang out with them then and have your fun.’

 

When we argued about it, I did say ‘hey. You did say I was allowed to do whatever I wanted to, you said you wanted me to experience things. You mean all this time you were judging me for it?’ and he said ‘yeah, of course I will judge you.’

 

Also, we moved to the new country a year and a half ago, we had different jobs, different schedules, I found I had more free time to socialise. The first year in the new country was basically carrying on in the same manner as the old country. It was only after a year that I decided to start socialising in the past 6 months.

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lizzy12 Member

lizzy12

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Posted (edited)

I would LOVE to know where he gets his information from. Since he, you know, never leaves the house or interacts with mere peons who have fun.

 

People with no family life are the only one's to stay to the very end? Nope. Not even a little bit true. Some of the most fun people, and happiest couples I've known know when to let loose and leave responsibilities at home for a night. Who have gone out, party, dance the night away, laugh, mingle with friends.

 

Life is not some "super serious" thing where all you do is moderate, and control, and behave so rigidly. For lack of better words, this dude needs to remove the massive pole that is shoved up his a.ss.

 

 

I did disagree with him there too, I said 'what's wrong with staying until the end, I'm really having a good time, and I guess I don't want to miss out'. he said only people who have nothing better to do, nowhere to go, will stay until the end. he told me to be 'cool' you should be the one who leaves after the first person leaves. If you stay until the end you'll end up with all the other losers who stay until the end too. He said I was being irresponsible and immature and if I wanted to have a life of fun, then you go and have your life of fun and see where that will take you.

Edited by lizzy12
KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
Posted
Wait a bit, there are some unclear facts here.

 

Did she ask him to go out together in this time? To have those moment out together or alone?

 

It is very important after they moved there if she wanted to go out alone or with him. And for me, that thing, flirting with other men, that was bad. After 6 years when we presume that all was really nice, you don't do that.

 

Did he knew?

 

Nothing here is unclear. They moved to a new area, she met people and new friends. She tried to get her boyfriend to come out with her and these new people. He flat out said "no" and has clearly stated he is above these people.

 

Did she ask him to go out alone? They've had SIX YEARS alone. And for the first time, this woman goes out and makes friends and all of a sudden it's a whole to do?

 

Furthermore, she was NOT flirting with other men. She clearly informed these people that she had a boyfriend... sooo...

 

People cannot control other people. A woman can't go out and expect that she's NOT going to get hit on if she's fairly attractive. The only thing that woman can do is be faithful and let the guys know she is taken. Which she did.

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KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
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I did disagree with him there too, I said 'what's wrong with staying until the end, I'm really having a good time, and I guess I don't want to miss out'. he said only people who have nothing better to do, nowhere to go, will stay until the end. he told me to be 'cool' you should be the one who leaves after the first person leaves. If you stay until the end you'll end up with all the other losers who stay until the end too. He said I was being irresponsible and immature and if I wanted to have a life of fun, then you go and have your life of fun and see where that will take you.

 

You know what? I think you should take his advice and go and have your life of fun. I think you should take this opportunity and run. You get one life. Do you know where a life of fun and adventure gets you? It gets you a good life. Rich in experience, and people. And walking your TRUE path will lead you to the right people you are meant to be with.

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Rainoflight Member

Rainoflight

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Posted
I did disagree with him there too, I said 'what's wrong with staying until the end, I'm really having a good time, and I guess I don't want to miss out'. he said only people who have nothing better to do, nowhere to go, will stay until the end. he told me to be 'cool' you should be the one who leaves after the first person leaves. If you stay until the end you'll end up with all the other losers who stay until the end too. He said I was being irresponsible and immature and if I wanted to have a life of fun, then you go and have your life of fun and see where that will take you.

 

 

I might midjudged the situation,

 

From what you said, you are right, he needs a wake up call, but sadly, i think he did not understand anything about what was going on.

 

I am with you, but i can give you a small neutral opinion about the ”stay until the end”. I had the same problem, but mine situation was different because it was LDR, but a man dislikes that because he is feeling that his girlfriend might be interested in someone there and it feels like you act like you are single.

Riou Established Member

Riou

Posted
Posted (edited)

Lizzy12:

 

Somehow your relationship doesn't sound like a relationship at all.He would rather work or play computer games than do a hobby together.That's very odd.From what you said,it seems that he grew up with the idea that if you have fun you will never get anywhere.It also seems that he is emotionally distant to people which explains why he is not open to the new experiences and doesn't care to join you when you hang out.If you choose to go with new friends than hang out with him then that's another case but in your case he says you are hardly at home when he doesn't need or seek your company when you are home anyway.As for the things you regret saying i think you did well in letting him know your concerns,maybe the ways you say it upset him but at least it's an attempt to communicate.What was his response when you said all that?

Edited by Riou
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lizzy12 Member

lizzy12

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Posted
I might midjudged the situation,

 

From what you said, you are right, he needs a wake up call, but sadly, i think he did not understand anything about what was going on.

 

I am with you, but i can give you a small neutral opinion about the ”stay until the end”. I had the same problem, but mine situation was different because it was LDR, but a man dislikes that because he is feeling that his girlfriend might be interested in someone there and it feels like you act like you are single.

 

I totally get what you mean!! I suppose my boyfriend probably thought that I was acting like I was single. Not condoning my behaviour but I think I acted that way since for the first time in years i actually had places to go, people to go with, and it was all very fun. If I did go home early I suppose I would be sitting in front of te computer anyway on the floor so I stayed. I think in the first couple of years in our relationship when I was totally absorbed with being with my bf there would be no way I would want to stay until the end or even hang out with other people!!

Rainoflight Member

Rainoflight

Posted
Posted
I totally get what you mean!! I suppose my boyfriend probably thought that I was acting like I was single. Not condoning my behaviour but I think I acted that way since for the first time in years i actually had places to go, people to go with, and it was all very fun. If I did go home early I suppose I would be sitting in front of te computer anyway on the floor so I stayed. I think in the first couple of years in our relationship when I was totally absorbed with being with my bf there would be no way I would want to stay until the end or even hang out with other people!!

 

Yep.

 

You are right. Sadly, you did the right thing. He got complacent and somehow took you for granted. Sorry for my initial assumption. You did all really good, but next time, try to manage a little better that stay to the end situation.

 

Btw, it happend every time? Or just once, maybe twice?

Light Breeze Established Member

Light Breeze

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OP,

 

It seems you have your validation from others here that being rid of your BF is the best thing that will ever happen to you .

 

Now, you can find someone to love who is fun, outgoing, and in sync with your new extroverted self.

 

And

 

Your ex can find someone who will love him for who he is.

 

Win-win.

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lizzy12 Member

lizzy12

Posted
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Posted
Lizzy12:

 

Somehow your relationship doesn't sound like a relationship at all.He would rather work or play computer games than do a hobby together.That's very odd.From what you said,it seems that he grew up with the idea that if you have fun you will never get anywhere.It also seems that he is emotionally distant to people which explains why he is not open to the new experiences and doesn't care to join you when you hang out.If you choose to go with new friends than hang out with him then that's another case but in your case he says you are hardly at home when he doesn't need or seek your company when you are home anyway.As for the things you regret saying i think you did well in letting him know your concerns,maybe the ways you say it upset him but at least it's an attempt to communicate.What was his response when you said all that?

 

When I said that maybe I wasn't ready to settle down yet he said he didn't want to be that guy who was waiting for me to be ready. He said that clearly we were on separate paths in life and we had different goals so we should break up. He said that all he wanted was for stability and he said yes stability may mean boredom but he said it was crucial that there was stability in his life in order to achieve the things he wanted. He said relationships isn't about having fun or going out or doing things together. They were about responsibilities and playing your role as a husband or wife. He felt that I couldn't provide him with the stability that he wanted since I suddenly changed my personality. He said what if this happens again in the future when I want to have fun again? He said it wouldn't be good for the children if their mum wanted to go out and socialise .

Million.to.1 Established Member

Million.to.1

Posted
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Your BF sounds like he is old religious 65yr old.

Stop listening to what he says. Plenty of mums HAVE A LIFE outside of their responsibilities. The more you write about what your BF says and his expectations of his partner, the more i think you should run.

 

You will meet someone more compatible.. No one should be bound by unrealistic expectations in a relationship and you will meet someone more suited to the life you want to live, I guarantee it.

 

Don't mope. Get out there.. be with your friends. Use them for support and a distraction to help you through the B/U. Stay busy and stay strong. :)

EgoJoe Established Member

EgoJoe

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In my opinion and from my perspective:

 

 

You handled the break wrong and the handled the acceptance of your hobbies within the relationship wrong. Though there are multiple aspects and vagaries within that statement I believe it to be the most apt conclusion.

 

 

He is right to not take you back. Despite being unsatisfied his self respect is attractive whether it comes from arrogance or not. Your safety blanket is gone.

 

 

This is what I see. You would just repeat old patterns if he did take you back. In the future learn to grow together and closer instead of cohabitate.

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
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This is what I see. You would just repeat old patterns if he did take you back. In the future learn to grow together and closer instead of cohabitate.

 

I personally think it's arrogant of YOU to write this.

 

She DID try to grow together with this person. She invited him out with these people, and instead of him making sacrifices, and compromising, he flat out said: "I have better things to do. I have no time for those people."

 

She sacrificed herself for 6 years to make him happy, and the second she wants to be happy he throws a fit like this and blows everything so far out of proportion.

 

It has nothing to do with cohabitation. It has nothing to do with her "going about this wrong." You should also note that she NEVER broke up with him, nor was a "break" established. She merely tried to communicate to a partner of six years. One in which she sacrificed a lot for over the years.

 

He shut her down promptly, was excessively judgmental and condemning, unforgiving and rigid.

 

OP, you did nothing wrong.

 

It's a basic compatibility issue how. He is too introverted, you are extroverted. He will not sacrifice for you despite all the sacrificing you've done for him, so don't beat yourself up like you did something wrong. YOU. DID. NOTHING. WRONG.

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lizzy12 Member

lizzy12

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Posted

 

So I'm not quite sure where all the judgment, intolerance, and rigidness came from. You have every right to want balance in your life, of a combination of friends/family, fun/responsibility.

 

 

This is probably cos he didn't grow up with his mum, they divorced when he was very young and he lived with his dad and step mum. He is an only child. He really admires the way his dad lives so maybe it stems from that? His dad is a very stubborn but kind, hard working, stable man who works hard at his job but when at home will play his computer games in his room whilst his stepmum is a full time housewife who cooks, cleans, looks after their baby. I said I didn't want a life like that, but my bf said he'd be pretty happy if he became like that!

 

Your BF sounds like he is old religious 65yr old.

 

Haha it's funny because we often compare him to an old man already. Sometimes he himself has a hard time believing that he is only 25. He does act like a parent to me, helping me and guiding me and sometimes he says it's like he is my mum and dad rolled into one.

 

In my opinion and from my perspective:

 

 

You handled the break wrong and the handled the acceptance of your hobbies within the relationship wrong. Though there are multiple aspects and vagaries within that statement I believe it to be the most apt conclusion.

 

 

He is right to not take you back. Despite being unsatisfied his self respect is attractive whether it comes from arrogance or not. Your safety blanket is gone.

 

 

This is what I see. You would just repeat old patterns if he did take you back. In the future learn to grow together and closer instead of cohabitate.

 

We are very close, we share everything and we have been together for 6 years without any outside influences. It was just 'us'. We have our nicknames for everything, he says he knows me better than I know myself, I can guess exactly what he's thinking etc.

 

I think it's true that he has been my safety blanket and support for all these years and one of the reasons why I suggested we take a break was that I didn't think it was fair on him to feel like he was a security blanket. I don't want him to feel disposable or left at home feeling like I will come home once I'd finished having my fun. I guess he deserves more than that and I would feel very guilty if I used him that way.

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lizzy12 Member

lizzy12

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Posted (edited)

It's probably unlikely given his character that he would do a U-turn on us, I think it would just make him feel like he's given in on something and he is quite proud. One of the first things that I noticed about him when we first met was his arrogance, his snobbiness and the way he didn't like to do things like volunteering. I did mention it to him but I learnt to ignore it although it did sometimes get to me the way he saw other people.

 

Reading all of your wise answers has made me feel SO MUCH better about it all. I've stopped the grieving and learnt to look at things in a more rational way. I think maybe we are incompatible in our personalities and this is something that should happen.

 

I think that part of the pain is losing something familiar, something secure, someone I cared for deeply and the pain of shattering our dreams. There's also the fear that I won't find someone else.

 

Now I am more sure that this would be good for us. If we are meant to be we will be and if we are not, I'm sure we will find someone even more compatible one day. :D

Edited by lizzy12
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EgoJoe Established Member

EgoJoe

Posted
Posted (edited)

I did mean to say "he handled the acceptance of your hobbies wrong".

 

 

I could see why you think it's arrogant though I will say I'm not being the jaded male corner guy here.

 

 

They both made mistakes. I'm also looking past her words to see that the arguments probably had a softer tone overall though still had the fundamental disagreement. The reality is that I believe his words after the fact show point blank that he gives a damn and would have rather cooperated. It's very likely there's a hidden deal breaker here.

 

 

My remarks about cohabitation and growing together are geared towards her learning to do this early and often not just as an afterthought. Her future partner will need to do this as well.

 

 

He said he'd always be there for her etc. He probably lost attraction for her too because it's possible she was not as honest and open as she has said.

 

 

There are elements to opposite sex attention whether rebuked appropriately or not that can cause permanent damage to trust. These things have to be cut off early.

 

 

I think he handled the aftermath well and made the right decision for both of them and that pride played a big factor before and after though more so before.

Edited by EgoJoe
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