I may have ruined my 6 year relationship, and totally regret it

[lizzy12]

Hi everyone! I feel very sad right now and hope that I can get some guidance here.

 

My boyfriend and I will have been together for 6 years this weekend. We have been totally absorbed in each other and love each other very very much. We have gone through a lot over the years and have lived together for all of those. We are in our mid-late 20s.

 

I am very ashamed of my behaviour in the last 6 months. We moved to a new country, and I met many new people, made many new friends. Before this I was quite introverted, and all of a sudden I found a new extroverted me. It was all very exciting, and the attention that other guys lavished on me got to my head a bit. I suddenly found the world to be a more exciting place and ended up signing up to many new hobbies and bought many new clothes. I liked to text my new friends a lot. I suddenly liked to go clubbing as well. My boyfriend compared to this seemed boring since he never liked to go out.

 

This happened over the course of 5 months or so, and because all of this excitement, I ended up neglecting my boyfriend a lot. I caused him a lot of heartache because he thought I was going to leave him and he said I meant so much to him. Because at the time I thought it wasn't fair on him to wait for me I thought it would be a good idea to have a small break in our relationship just to figure things out. We both decided that perhaps we weren't compatible in our interests anymore and maybe we should walk our separate paths.

 

Since this discussion a month ago, my bf booked his plane ticket back home for next month. However, my feet are now back firmly on the ground and I cannot imagine my life without my boyfriend. all I want to do is for things to get back to normal. I regret a lot of the stuff I said to him and wish I could take them back.

 

However, he still thinks that because our relationship has been made 'unpure' he can't take me back. He says he has recovered from the hurt and now only sees me as a sister/friend. I feel so devastated and feel like I ruined everything for a bit of excitement. He says that I should be left to be free and experience the fun that I so obviously want. He wants a stable life and settle down soon. We are still celebrating our anniversary this weekend with dinner and movie, and he still tells me that I am the most important person in his life and he will be there to support me always. But I don't want it to be a family relationship, I just want to be together again. I've asked him to consider when he goes home and he says he will.

 

What else can I do?

[Pier]

You can only wait and introspect as to how things happened the way they did.

 

For instance, whatever you were getting from the attention must've been like a drug for you to have a done a 180 in personality. Do you dislike your introverted self? Would you still be extroverted if your boyfriend decided to stand by you... or would you still think he's boring?

 

No judgement, just honest questions.

 

Nothing is an accident. Your actions...although causing you regret., are not an accident either. Rather your actions are a symptom of something you've been wanting inside yourself but til recently, felt no opportunity to explore.

 

You need to investigate this

 

Also the fact that you neglected your 6 year relationship so quickly...tells me you feel something is missing, SEVERELY from within yourself. Whatever this is your boyfriend cannot give you. And you, for whatever reason, have not been giving this to yourself.

 

Getting back together will not solve the issue. It will just bandage the gaping hole of whatever you feel is lacking inside yourself. Do not use your ex to cover your pain.

Edited January 23, 2015 by Pier

[Riou]

Hi everyone! I feel very sad right now and hope that I can get some guidance here.

 

My boyfriend and I will have been together for 6 years this weekend. We have been totally absorbed in each other and love each other very very much. We have gone through a lot over the years and have lived together for all of those. We are in our mid-late 20s.

 

I am very ashamed of my behaviour in the last 6 months. We moved to a new country, and I met many new people, made many new friends. Before this I was quite introverted, and all of a sudden I found a new extroverted me. It was all very exciting, and the attention that other guys lavished on me got to my head a bit. I suddenly found the world to be a more exciting place and ended up signing up to many new hobbies and bought many new clothes. I liked to text my new friends a lot. I suddenly liked to go clubbing as well. My boyfriend compared to this seemed boring since he never liked to go out.

 

This happened over the course of 5 months or so, and because all of this excitement, I ended up neglecting my boyfriend a lot. I caused him a lot of heartache because he thought I was going to leave him and he said I meant so much to him. Because at the time I thought it wasn't fair on him to wait for me I thought it would be a good idea to have a small break in our relationship just to figure things out. We both decided that perhaps we weren't compatible in our interests anymore and maybe we should walk our separate paths.

 

Since this discussion a month ago, my bf booked his plane ticket back home for next month. However, my feet are now back firmly on the ground and I cannot imagine my life without my boyfriend. all I want to do is for things to get back to normal. I regret a lot of the stuff I said to him and wish I could take them back.

 

However, he still thinks that because our relationship has been made 'unpure' he can't take me back. He says he has recovered from the hurt and now only sees me as a sister/friend. I feel so devastated and feel like I ruined everything for a bit of excitement. He says that I should be left to be free and experience the fun that I so obviously want. He wants a stable life and settle down soon. We are still celebrating our anniversary this weekend with dinner and movie, and he still tells me that I am the most important person in his life and he will be there to support me always. But I don't want it to be a family relationship, I just want to be together again. I've asked him to consider when he goes home and he says he will.

 

What else can I do?

 

Sounds like he accepted and gave you what you wanted.Your freedom to enjoy attention that players lavish on you.You might want to be detailed with what you said to him that you now regret so we can better advise you about the situation.

Edited January 23, 2015 by Riou

[towardthefuture]

You gave up a LTR with someone who obviously loved you on a whim for a couple months of fun.

 

He's better off without you. Let him go, you got exactly what you wanted.

[LostInLosingLove]

You gave up a LTR with someone who obviously loved you on a whim for a couple months of fun.

 

He's better off without you. Let him go, you got exactly what you wanted.

 

That's a bit harsh IMO. She was overwhelmed with good emotions and made choices based on that. Not everyone has the experience or the will to know when to pass up on certain opportunities.

 

If you know your boyfriend well, do things that you know he will appreciate. However, give him space and don't smother him. Also, don't bend over backwards for anything unreasonable that he asks of. Most importantly be aware of his feelings too. What you did must have come out of nowhere from his perspective, so he's probably wondering if you'll suddenly change your mind again.

 

Maybe he's testing you like, how long will you wait for him before you give up? How much time is your love worth? This isn't a guarantee so you may be waiting forever. Is it worth it knowing that he might just let you sit there as his backup?

[KatZee]

I don't know why some posters are trying to make you feel so awful about yourself for what you did.

 

Nothing you essentially did was "wrong." And I don't like how your bf or ex or whatever he is, is shaming you by calling you "unpure" and that you made the relationship "unpure."

 

Unpure how? Because you went out and made friends? Tried new activities? And basically grew, and evolved as a human being? You've been with this guy for 6 years, and it sounds like you were essentially stifled in the relationship. Stifled in some pretty important years as well. It's during your 20s that you're supposed to experiment, grow as a person, learn all about yourself.

 

Based on this post it sounds like you did not get that opportunity, but when you moved to a new country all of a sudden you had so many new chances to come out of your shell, to change from a quiet, meek, and heavily reliant on your boyfriend introvert, to a social being with friends, things to do, experiences to be had.

 

I don't think there was anything wrong with that. People NEED to go through this, or else you wind up with something like "the 7 year itch" or "the mid-life crisis."

 

Really think about who you are now. Do you really WANT to go back to the introvert, with no friends, with a boyfriend who never wants to leave the house? Will you REALLY be happy spending the rest of your life with a person who will not have fun with you, compromise with you and meet new people with you, but who will instead judge you and call you "unpure"?

 

When you love someone, you support them. You support them and lift them to their higher selves. You don't keep them held tightly to you, preventing them from change. You most certainly don't judge them on their choices and freedom of wanting to evolve.

 

Unless you were going out, and getting black out drunk and having sex with new people every night, I really don't see the problem in what you did. These are things you WANTED to do, so never feel guilty for it, or feel bad for it.

 

If anything, see this whole thing as a blessing. You've clearly changed and this is a huge opportunity to really see if the new you is compatible with a stagnant, judgmental boyfriend.

 

If you really want to go back to the old you, that's your choice. But can you really guarantee you won't have another period in your life where you will want to try new things, have new experiences, etc? You can't predict that with certainty. And what's going to happen when it happens again?

[SycamoreCircle]

The other side of GIGS.

 

*impure

[KBarletta]

Unpure how? Because you went out and made friends? Tried new activities? And basically grew, and evolved as a human being? You've been with this guy for 6 years, and it sounds like you were essentially stifled in the relationship. Stifled in some pretty important years as well. It's during your 20s that you're supposed to experiment, grow as a person, learn all about yourself.

 

I am betting that he now sees the relationship as "impure" because she broke up with him, not because of any of those other reasons which were just the reasons behind the breakup. She neglected him for a new, more exciting life and now that she's come back down to earth she wants him back.

 

As someone who was in the boyfriend's shoes, I can say he probably feels rejected, disposable and unattractive as a result of her behavior. These are what make him look at the relationship as "impure."

 

But breakups are hard things to get past, especially after six years. Some people will view the relationship as permanently broken, even if reconciliation happens. I think that is what he meant.

[Rainoflight]

I am somehow in the shoes of the boyfriend, the same happend with me and i am really curious if the OP could describe what happend with her, why did she want to neglect him?

 

I mean, those 6 years were good, plus if you moved together in another country, i think your relashionship was really tight. Why did you decide to act like that? What he offered you was not enough or it has become dull?

[WomenWubber]

"You want what you can't have, ooh girl that's too damn bad."

 

I think you're better off without each other.

[Light Breeze]

I agree with KBarletta on this.

 

I think "impure" here means the loss of inncence. The feeling you have when you thought someone would love you no matter the difficulties the relationship face then discovering the opposite. Imo the innocence here is unrecoverable. If ever OP and her ex gets back together it would have to be on a new slate

 

I also do not agree painting the exBF here as the introvert killjoy. Remember, we are only seeing one side of the coin here and I bet he wasn't that bad for the OP to want him back so badly even with her new found freedom and excitement.

 

OP, hope all well goes for you.

[KBarletta]

If ever OP and her ex gets back together it would have to be on a new slate.

 

This is the truth.

 

If you want him back, it can't be under the same terms as the old relationship. You need to build something new, and that is going to take time and patience, if it can happen at all. He is hurt by what has happened (even if he says he's "over" it, you don't get over a six year relationship in a few months). This hurt has caused him to lose trust in you, and possibly even his attraction for you. Men in his shoes generally aren't attracted to people who neglect and reject them and who they don't trust.

 

In my opinion, you have some work to do if you want him back, and you would need to take your time, be patient with him and yourself and both make some changes to make it happen.

[Farid]

As said above, you need to be clearer on how you neglected him.

Men are not children. They don't need to be taken care of.

But, if these "friends" were also men with whom you were flirty, that can make a man lose trust.

Coz sexuality is a powerful weapon in a women's hands. It's like pointing a gun at someone. You don't need to pull the trigger for them to be scared of you forever.

[grok]

I did this to my then boyfriend in my early 20s. We had been dating since high school and it got stale to me. He waited for me while I went out and explored and had my fun. I wish I had a good ending for you. I don't. We eventually ended back together but things were never the same. He saw me as a whore (didn't say this to me directly but I saw it in his journal).

 

10 years older, and hopefully a little bit wiser, I would be very hesitant to get back with somebody that left to find themselves. I would think what I was bringing to the table wasn't enough and I would live in constant fear that they could leave again.

 

It sounds like maybe it was a compatibility issue. You changed, as people often do, and the new you wasn't working with the current him. You say he's ready to settle down. Are you? Remember, settling down doesn't mean boring.

[towardthefuture]

I did this to my then boyfriend in my early 20s. We had been dating since high school and it got stale to me. He waited for me while I went out and explored and had my fun. I wish I had a good ending for you. I don't. We eventually ended back together but things were never the same. He saw me as a whore (didn't say this to me directly but I saw it in his journal).

 

10 years older, and hopefully a little bit wiser, I would be very hesitant to get back with somebody that left to find themselves. I would think what I was bringing to the table wasn't enough and I would live in constant fear that they could leave again.

 

It sounds like maybe it was a compatibility issue. You changed, as people often do, and the new you wasn't working with the current him. You say he's ready to settle down. Are you? Remember, settling down doesn't mean boring.

 

It's like trying to put spoiled milk in the fridge to make it turn good again.

 

She broke the relationship to go party, now she wants the relationship to not be broke.

 

It's just not how it works.

[KBarletta]

I would think what I was bringing to the table wasn't enough and I would live in constant fear that they could leave again.

 

^ Exactly.

 

Even though I am a dumpee who wants his ex back, this is one fear that I know I would have if that happened. It's hard to achieve balance in a relationship after one person decides that they want out, then changes their mind. It can happen, but it takes a lot of time and effort.

[lizzy12]

We had a long talk about this last night and I couldn't stop crying. He says that he can't take me back because his feelings have changed. I hurt him a lot and to get through the hurt he had to change himself and in the process the way he saw me changed. He is one of those people who once they like something they wholeheartedly like it and once his mind is changed theres no going back. He says that to be together again would feel forced and he wouldn't be happy. He said that he will be there like a brother to me, but he cannot give me the support that a significant other could give. He said that he hopes I will find someone who will love me and I will love in the future and if that happens he couldn't be happier.

 

I was just so so devastated to hear this since all I want is to be back together. We shared sooooo many things and we are a part of each other. I cannot contemplate a future without him and I mourn for everything we have lost. He said that he always wanted to marry me and have children with me and I grieve for what would have been.

 

I said I was so sorry for what I did and he said he didn't blame me. He was sure that this desire within me to do new things would have emerged later if not now and it would have been worse if we had been married and had kids because they would be hurt too.

 

He says that I need to find what i want in life and be happy with what I have.

 

My boyfriend was the perfect one for me. He was generous, loving , kind, cute, sweet and funny. He was hard working and family orientated. I miss him so much and it really hurts. I don't know if I will ever find another love like that again. I have never been attracted to anyone else.

 

The reason why I went out a lot (as for parties only once) with my

New friends was because i felt I lacked the social interaction. My boyfriend was my first and I did give up a lot of friendships when I was with him. He was very work focused and all we would talk about was work. He also disagreed with finding new friends although he didn't stop

Me from doing what I wanted to do. He is a guy who prefers a few close friends than a big group.

 

I'm close to his family and I feel like I've lost a huge piece of me. I feel so regretful that I hurt him when he loved me so much. I feel like I disappointed everyone.

 

All I can hope is that time will heal or my boyfriend does change his mind

We still sleep next to each other and I cry myself to sleep. I've had to take today off work because i am so upset.

[grok]

I'm so so sorry. My heart hurts for you.

 

He sounds like a stand up guy. To put a positive spin to a sad situation, be glad he's not stringing you along and has the guts to be honest.

 

I would rethink celebrating your would be anniversary this week. I personally couldn't handle it.

 

Stay strong! PM if you want

[lizzy12]

^ Exactly.

 

Even though I am a dumpee who wants his ex back, this is one fear that I know I would have if that happened. It's hard to achieve balance in a relationship after one person decides that they want out, then changes their mind. It can happen, but it takes a lot of time and effort.

 

It wasn't a breakup that I suggested, but I suggested perhaps it would be good to have a 2 week break where we could gather our thoughts. We've been together for 6 years and this was the first time when I had doubts about what sort of path we wanted to tread. My bf said that he NEVER had any doubts we were meant to be together and if we needed to have a break, then that's it, he will never come back. It was an all-or-nothing for him. He said that relationships can't handle knocks, it had to be a pure experience. Even though we haven't actually had a break, my suggestion that we should have a break meant that he broke up with me (or his feelings changed).

 

I thought having a 2 week break would be the fairest thing to both of us, but I regret saying my feelings out loud.

 

It wasn't like I was out all night partying etc. I just felt that I was supposed to explore myself and who I was in my 20s before settling down. The things that I ended up doing were: going to the gym, going to the beach with friends, went to a music festival, went for dinners, and joining dance classes. They were things that I always wanted to do, but never had the opportunity to do it and when I made friends who also had the same interests as me, it was all very exciting (both male and female). I asked if my bf wanted to join in but he said he had better things to do and he had no time for such people. He reproached me for having too much fun. He said I should have known my limits and know when to stop having a good time. He says I should have gone 70% on the fun and know when to stop and call it a day, and gone home, but instead I had to stay until the end. He says that only people who have no family life stay until the very end, and people will judge you for that.

 

As for flirting with guys, they flirted with me, but since I have a boyfriend I did ward off their flirting and say that I had a boyfriend.

 

My boyfriend says that he felt disposable and unwanted. He said that he felt I wasn't interesting enough for him and perhaps I should be with someone who would share that excitement of new experiences and like to go out. He is a very home orientated person, and very stable. He said I was too unstable, and I clearly wasn't ready to settle down. He imagines his perfect future would be family, house, stable career. Of course I want those things too, but I also want a nice work-family- life balance. I'm quite a lively person whereas he is a very stable person.

 

I talked to his mum and she says that it was fine that I went out to have fun. She says it is normal I don't want to be shacked up at home in my 20s. She says just treat him normally, don't go over the top emotional and he could come round. she says that people dont just stop loving someone suddenly after 6 years. so now Im trying to think positive, concentrate on improving myself and behaving normally. No more lost days at work!

Edited January 24, 2015 by lizzy12

[Light Breeze]

In my opinion, people who are truly committed and care for each other don't need a "break", instead they need to work on their problems within the relationship. I don't personally know any couples who had survived a "break", because chances are if someone is asking for it, then that means the doubt is strong enough on one side to actually contemplate getting away. That is quite hurtful imo for the other party who didn't want the "break" and quite difficult to repair. Personally, I'm like your ex, it's all or nothing fo me too, so I understand how he feels.

 

I could be wrong but judging from the tenor of your latest post, you want this new extroverted self to stay. There's nothing wrong with it, but remember with changes, comes sacrifice, in this case the sacrifice was your relationship... Unless you compromise...

 

Why was it an issue when your ex asked that you devote 70% of your time for fun, then spend the rest with him? For me, it's quite an acceptable compromise.

 

I don't know if it's too late for you and him, but if it's not, I think both of you should be open to compromise. If it is too late however, I hope you find someone in the future with the same values and goals with the "new" you. Everyone deserves happiness.

[Riou]

Lizzy12:

 

Asking some details in point form.

 

You said the attention guys gave you got to your head abit,was that before you decided to ward off flirting?

 

Would you be cool with women flirting with your boyfriend if he says he didn't initiate the flirting?

 

What things do you regret saying to him?

 

How often did he hang out with you before and after your new life?

 

How did you neglected him in the last six months?

 

Did he ever joined you on one of those outings?

 

In the meantime,i believe he took your 2 weeks break suggestion as you are willing to risk losing him forever.That along with the six months of neglect,including your idea that he seems more boring than your new excitement made him feel disposable.

[Ebelskiver]

I understand your ex is hurt, but personally I think he's being a bit of an a$$. You two have been together your entire adult lives. The idea that relationships cannot take knocks is ridiculous. All you did was say your were "thinking" of a two week break, it never even happened. You went out and........oh no....experienced life a bit, had some fun, made new friends.

 

If anything this entire mess should have encouraged the two of you to talk and work out how to make your relationship more exciting so that both of you were satisfied. But he had to have a hissy fit and break everything off because you had real and valid concerns after 6 years together that you were getting bored. Sure he's hurt. Life hurts. But YOU weren't happy and that is someting that a couple works on together. I could never be with someone like you describe. I need more excitement in my life, and so do you. And that's entirely reasonable.

 

Just because you love someone and they are sweet and nice to you does not mean you have to waste away the best days of your youth at home playing dungeons and dragons. Partners do things for each other that they may not want to do themselves. Like take dance lessons, or go to a show, or have dinner at a friends. Usually they have fun in spite of themselves.

[LostInLosingLove]

If you really love him and want to work things out, make arrangements to see a couples therapist together. A 2 week break from a live in 6 year relationship is not a lot to ask for. Whether or not there's enough trust to survive something like that is what's important. Him coming around but enforcing his rules or mindset will be an ongoing problem even if he takes you back.

 

You guys need someone who can help both of you understand better where the other is coming from.

[Million.to.1]

Stay strong Lizzy.

 

What you did and wanted were not unreasonable.

 

Don't let the bitter brigade of jilted dudes make you feel bad about wanting new things for yourself.

 

Your last post was it. You get on with your life. You are awesome and it's good to want to experience new things, especially at your age. Your BF's mum is right, but do not wait for him. He needs to realise what he has lost through being complacent. Hopefully, you will have moved on to brighter pastures by then.

 

hugs. x

[KatZee]

I'm sorry, but this guy sounds HORRIBLE.

 

I would take this entire situation and count it as a blessing. He sounds like someone rigid, unwilling to change, unwilling to make his partner happy unless it fits HIS mold as to what is socially and personally acceptable, a person who doesn't compromise. None of these are traits of a healthy relationship, or a life lasting relationship/marriage.

 

Just read what you wrote! You gave up friends, and experiences for this guy. You sacrificed who YOU ARE as a human being, in order to make him happy. What part of this situation is acceptable for you? And makes YOU happy? A life with a husband isn't all about catering to him, and keeping HIM happy and satisfied only. You are also a participant in the relationship.

 

Going out to dinner, going to a concert, the beach... these are not things you should defend yourself against, or feel bad about. These are every day, normal things.

 

He said that relationships can't handle knocks, it had to be a pure experience.

 

What planet was this guy raised on? What does this even mean? It's immature thinking and 100% unrealistic. Relationships can't handle knocks? He's going to be single for the rest of his life if this is his way of thinking. No human is perfect. He most certainly is not perfect. Long term relationships will ALWAYS have bumps. And I'm really getting tired of the word "pure." He sounds like a religious fanatic.

 

I asked if my bf wanted to join in but he said he had better things to do and he had no time for such people. He reproached me for having too much fun.

 

Better things to do? No time for "such people"? Judging you for having a good time? What are these better things he has to do? Keeping you home all day long? Not socializing? Not being a part of society, rather being isolated and cut off?

 

I see a huge compatibility issue between you two. He has no right talking down to you like you committed some horrible sin. He also needs to come on down from that horse he's riding around on. Arrogance and superiority over others is not attractive.

 

He says that only people who have no family life stay until the very end, and people will judge you for that.

 

I would LOVE to know where he gets his information from. Since he, you know, never leaves the house or interacts with mere peons who have fun.

 

People with no family life are the only one's to stay to the very end? Nope. Not even a little bit true. Some of the most fun people, and happiest couples I've known know when to let loose and leave responsibilities at home for a night. Who have gone out, party, dance the night away, laugh, mingle with friends.

 

Life is not some "super serious" thing where all you do is moderate, and control, and behave so rigidly. For lack of better words, this dude needs to remove the massive pole that is shoved up his a.ss.

 

I was going to ask what kind of life this dude had growing up but then you said this:

 

I talked to his mum and she says that it was fine that I went out to have fun. She says it is normal I don't want to be shacked up at home in my 20s.

 

So I'm not quite sure where all the judgment, intolerance, and rigidness came from. You have every right to want balance in your life, of a combination of friends/family, fun/responsibility.

 

He clearly can't see that, and unless he does, this is a huge compatibility issue, and again, feel blessed that you are not married to this person and stuck in a life where you WILL ultimately be miserable.

 

The only thing you need to do is continue on improving YOU. Don't start staying home, losing these friends you've made. Continue going out, and experiencing all life has to offer. You may realize sooner than later that in the end, you two were never going to work out.