DC77 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Here's a curiosity. I've been dating for about 4 years now since my major relationship ended. There have been some 1 monthers, a few lasting several months, and a one year relationship. Some ended by me. Some ended by them. Thing is they ALWAYS come back. It could be 2 weeks or recently 2 years. But they always seem to pop back up. And it's the same story, I'm perfect, I'm awesome, they realize how good they had it with me...I am of the mentality though that I'm holding out for someone that loves and appreciates me for me when they have me not after we breakup. So my question, are there men out there that can know what they want when they have it or is this just a guy phenomena to not know what they want until they don't have it? Am I holding out for a unicorn? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Men get back to exs when they are: 1. Bored 2. Just broke up with someone 3. Are out of options Over the Holidays I got contacted by 3 men I dated in 2014 and 1 more I had briefly dated 3 years ago. I said: Thank you very much for your wishes, take care. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Man oh man, this is so true!!! My story, through and through. Men are always saying women don't know what they want but in all my relationship experiences...neither do men. They only really want me when they lose me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BeatsByDirk Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I would tend to believe they just ended a nightmare and in comparison you were a dream. Maybe not a unicorn but maybe a live panda birth in the wild! It's a fine line between recognizing what you have, being too clingy, and just not caring what happens. Too much in either direction and the girl you are dating is grossed out. Age is also a factor but I think for a lot of guys who don't buy into the Rom/Com dating schemas it's gonna take a perfect storm to want to settle down, we are buily to procreate and bottling up that drive and desire is a lot to ask, many of us can't bottle it up entirely so it's easy to dismiss a relationship ending because we are designed to procreate and move on. I think it's not until our modernity provides a fleeting break in our thought patterns that we can recognize what we have passed up along the way. Ultimately wanting a family, fear of loneliness, and timing play more a part of the men I know settling down and less about the person they settle down with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I only ever had 1 that tried to come back. The rest moved on silently without issue. Link to post Share on other sites
chumble Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 So does it ever work? No chance you'd take one of us chumps back? What about if you only went on just a few dates at the time? Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Maybe you choose men who are dramatic, unstable, and play games. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Yeah, I don't know if I'd use the word "always." It hasn't been that way in my case. I don't have any ex's that have ever come back around saying any of the things you stated above. Once the relationship is over, it's been over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DC77 Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 (edited) Very interesting Dirk!! Good insight...Chumble, I think that is a question I was getting at a little... It doesn't seem like most of the posts are answering the question I purposed. The question was, reworded, are there men out there that can know what they want WHILE they are in a relationship, in which case I will keep searching for this man? Or is this behavior just a man's way of processing and I should maybe soften my approach. This is just pure curiosity for open dialogue... Also for consideration, we're talking guys between 30 to about 45. Edited January 23, 2015 by DC77 Change wording Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I would bet money that at least one of them was truly sincere. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I wouldnt say always for me. Maybe more like 50/50 give or take. One guy who came back said I was more subtle than other women. We never offficially dated tbh. After 6 years he decides he wants to date. It sounds like he was put through the wringer a bit and fan more fully appreciate peace. I do feel like he ran out of options. One ex came back to me after the woman he left for stabbed him. I feel like they came back because they want a *break* from drama and are coming back to whats familiar and comfy. Imo they have temporarily run out of options. Id like to believe most men can figure out what they got before its gone, but I dont meet them. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 DC77, are there any of them who you had any interest in getting back together with? I think it's weird that you've seen this phenomenon so frequently. But I also think it's a natural human tendency to not appreciate what you have when you have it. Of course, with these "revelations" you have to distinguish between "I'm six whiskeys deep and I'm lonely as f*ck" and "Wow that woman was truly special, WTF did I do?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 They could also have forgotten what flaws of yours drove them away to begin with.. Link to post Share on other sites
chumble Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Very interesting Dirk!! Good insight...Chumble, I think that is a question I was getting at a little... It doesn't seem like most of the posts are answering the question I purposed. The question was, reworded, are there men out there that can know what they want WHILE they are in a relationship, in which case I will keep searching for this man? Or is this behavior just a man's way of processing and I should maybe soften my approach. This is just pure curiosity for open dialogue... Also for consideration, we're talking guys between 30 to about 45. Dunno. I just know in my case, there are one or two looking back that I think, "You know, she may have been really right for me. Wish I could bump into her again." But these are rockets that never really had a chance to get off the ground, not burned out relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 It's usually easier to hook up with an ex than it is to find a new girl. The ugly truth right here. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 It's usually easier to hook up with an ex than it is to find a new girl. Really? I guarantee you my exes would say it's 100% easier to get a new girl than to ever get near me again, because they know I don't screw around and that they haven't got a snowflakes chance in hell. I'd assume that alot of other men would feel the same way. That it's way easier to get a fresh start with a girl who has nothing against you, than to try to get with a girl that you screwed over, crapped on, hurt and then left... pretty sure that girl will tell you to kick rocks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DC77 Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 @Standard, Im a pretty laid back chick. Forgiving. And give lots of mulligans, when I'm a girlfriend. Once you put me through the bull**** of a breakup and the emotional stress I lose all tolerance. I can't help but think, you should have kept me when you had me. I'm of the ideal that I would like some one to appreciate me when they have me. So for the most part when one comes back I'm polite, I acknowledge, and that's it... I do have a situation with a guy I have dated for a couple months. We broke up because he's recently divorced and isn't sure what he wants. Definite connection. He admittedly has feelings, keeps resurfacing, but does not have his head on straight. When we broke up I offered friendship which we are friends. Sex has been taken off the table but I believe I am his safe place and emotional outlet. I still hangout with him and his boy. Do things with him and his friends. He is a good guy, but I have little tolerance for the situation. So in a way, yes, I have left the door partially open to him. I'm not holding my breath and actively dating others (which he is aware). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 (edited) I've never gone back, I'd rather hold tight to my dignity. Once it's done it's done. But yes it's easier for a man to talk to someone you already know, than to go through all the hoops and tests with a new woman. But I'd rather have my dignity, especially how women are screenshotting and telling the girls remember so and so well yeah he messaged me thanks but no thanks, I may stalk on facebook lol but that's the farthest I'd go. Edited January 23, 2015 by EmperorR 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DC77 Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 @enigma and mrin, perhaps yes, IF your ex is a pushover with low self esteem. Then I suppose it would be an easy in with the right words. I however am not such. I'm with Phoe on this one. I don't exactly welcome back exes with open arms and spread legs. When an ex comes back, it's usually with their tail between their legs. And I'm usually polite but unyielding. Hardly an easy alternative. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Interesting premise, OP, and I've also heard it applied to women too. I'm unclear whether I should be happy or chagrined to admit I've never had that personal experience with an ex, whether it be lover or spouse, either from myself or them. Once we're done, we're over and done and done and over and that's it, never to be seen or heard from again. Finito. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I'd assume that alot of other men would feel the same way. That it's way easier to get a fresh start with a girl who has nothing against you, than to try to get with a girl that you screwed over, crapped on, hurt and then left... pretty sure that girl will tell you to kick rocks.Not every relationship ends with a man screwing over a woman. If the relationship ends on amicable terms, both parties may be up for some fun in the future. I've hooked up with several of my exes on occasion, and it's far easier than trying to pick up someone new at a bar. Generally speaking, the sex is better too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 Men get back to exs when they are: 1. Bored 2. Just broke up with someone 3. Are out of options Over the Holidays I got contacted by 3 men I dated in 2014 and 1 more I had briefly dated 3 years ago. I said: Thank you very much for your wishes, take care. This isn't very accurate. Man oh man, this is so true!!! My story, through and through. Men are always saying women don't know what they want but in all my relationship experiences...neither do men. They only really want me when they lose me. This is complete horsecrap. Listen... anyone who has ever been in sales knows that it's easier to sell a warm lead than a cold one! Guys come back brining all this verbal garbage about how awesome you are and they just realized it and blah, blah, blah... because it's MUCH likelier to get back into your panties than to find a new woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 @enigma and mrin, perhaps yes, IF your ex is a pushover with low self esteem. Then I suppose it would be an easy in with the right words. I however am not such. I'm with Phoe on this one. I don't exactly welcome back exes with open arms and spread legs. When an ex comes back, it's usually with their tail between their legs. And I'm usually polite but unyielding. Hardly an easy alternative. Every situation is different and every woman is different. Look I am not proud of this line of thinking but let me spell it out. It is the ugly truth for a lot of men. It isn't that they think their exes are easy per se. It is just that the effort/results ratio works. They can tell real quick whether sex is likely by the ex's response. You come in hot and read her. If she's warm then it probably would only take a single date and you're having sex. If she's cold to you move on or baring other options, decide whether additional effort would do the trick and whether it is worth it. I've never actually do this but a lot of my friends have. I prefer the new door I've never been through to the one I have. The unknown is so much more enticing than the known. Good on ya for shooting them down though. That's the right move. Always. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Nolan 93 Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 I told my current ex throughout the relationship "I know what I want" I looked into her eyes deeply and said that when we were cuddling before bed. The reaction from her face was an eye opener to her, she was in shock lol. I will always remember that night. Even though she ended the relationship in the end, I kept true to my word and never did her any wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 My ex who wants to get back with me lives on the other side of the us. I doubt hes in it for the sex. Just to give an example. Hes been trying to get back with me for years off and on. Link to post Share on other sites
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