Eighty_nine Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) (Hesitant* can't edit the misspelling now lol) I'm in a great relationship but have a lot of anxieties and insecurities based on past experiences, and I struggle not to project them onto my current relationship. You can read my last couple of posts if you want more info. The issue I'm posting about now is the whole sleepover bit. My boyfriend and I see each other 3-4x per week and have a nice time and great sex. The thing is, I feel weird about us spending the night together (especially about me staying at his house, even though he has more space). For some reason, sleepovers feel particularly intimate to me and doing so regularly feels like it's crossing into a level of closeness and seriousness that still scares me. It's been over 3 months and we've only spent the night together 5 times. 3 of those times were solely because the other had been drinking & couldn't drive home. He used to mention how much he'd like me to stay the night with him (and bought me contact solution and a phone charger for his place), but about a month ago I basically said it's too much for me right now, he said that's OK and dropped it. The 2 times I've stayed the night at his place, we had such great mornings together... and I actually felt closer to him than ever. When he stays at mine, I tend to kick him out a little quicker. I'm worried about closeness, yes. But also awkwardness, or feeling uncomfortable, or not being in my own bed... mind you, the times we have stayed the night together have been the exact opposite of awkward or uncomfortable. Leading me to believe that it is really intimacy I'm avoiding. So I guess my question is, should I breach my level of comfort and make myself stay the night with him maybe once per week/two weeks? Will doing this adversely affect our relationship, or move us forward? And do I need to be "moving this forward", or should I let things continue at their own pace and stay the night more frequently when it 'feels right'? (sidenote: other than a few issues that have been propelled by my own insecurities, everything between us is really great). Edited January 22, 2015 by lissvarna
preraph Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Don't move so fast that you're really uncomfortable, but do push it just a little, like self-behavior modification. Maybe with testing your limits, it will become clearer what is really going on. Of course, this is a perfect thing to work on in therapy because they can offer all sorts of techniques and try to get to the root of it as well. 1
salparadise Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 The 2 times I've stayed the night at his place, we had such great mornings together... and I actually felt closer to him than ever. I'm worried about closeness, yes. But also awkwardness, or feeling uncomfortable, or not being in my own bed... mind you, the times we have stayed the night together have been the exact opposite of awkward or uncomfortable. Leading me to believe that it is really intimacy I'm avoiding. Intimacy is where the joy is... why are you so afraid? Well, I already know. Fear of being vulnerable. It's scary to let someone close enough to hurt you. But what you're really doing is spending your life on the sidelines rather than living fully. Learn to face your fears head on and work through this high-wall, defensive crap so that you can really enjoy your life. You've got the perfect situation... go for it! 1
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