Ex left her rebound and is open to us again

[Windman17]

So the situation is that my Ex and I broke up from a LTR 5 months ago and shortly after she started dating another guy. During the 5 months we still had brief periods of contact at times until recently after New Years when I went no contact again. Finally on Monday of this week she texted me saying part of her regrets leaving me and she said that she'd like to talk about us again, which I said I was also open to.

 

Long story short, a mutual friend (more her friend) has been helping her get through things and she called Tuesday night asking if they could come over (which took me off-guard) and I said sure. The night went fine and then at the end she asked if she could come over for a little bit on Thursday to really talk through her confused feelings.

 

Then yesterday morning she texted me saying "I broke up with him. Something about last night just felt right." We talked a bit and our mutual friend had us both meet up with her and her bf last night. After they left we sat in the car and she said that every time she was alone with him she was thinking of me and how she missed our connection. Though she did admit that she liked how he always had a big group of friends to hang out with and that he was very outgoing (which I told her was very superficial). Anyway, she admitted she still loves me but we agreed to take things slow and see what happens. I know she may want to date other people again just to make sure I'm the one, but what's the best way for me to attract her while not coming off too strong?

 

Thanks for the advice!

[EuTuBrute]

Sure take her back... then she will find someone else, then youll be back here wondering what happened.

[lolablue17]

Choosing a boyfriend is not like choosing a TV. She treats you like you're one among many others and she will test and try some guys for 14 days, and after 14 days she'll get a full refund, if she's not happy with the product.

 

Are you nuts?!

 

Call her now and tell her that it was so lovely to see her and so and so, but you're asking her to not contacting you ever again. Why? Tell her Because you and her does not share the same values of "what love is".

 

If you love someone, you're totally in it. And she is a little too superficial for you, thinking that love is something she can compare all the time. For you, love is unique. For her it's not.

 

Wish her good luck with her searching for a new guy she can love who will accept her as she is (because you're not), and you also are going to search for unique love. a girl who will love you more than anything in the world, and won't just wants you because some other guy "is boring". it's a lame reason for choosing a BF. Bye Bye!!

 

When you tell her that, she will be running after you like a puppy. But i advice you not to take her back. She will break you heart again when you give her the power.

Edited January 22, 2015 by lolablue17

[sober and dry]

I know she may want to date other people again just to make sure I'm the one, but what's the best way for me to attract her while not coming off too strong?

Date other people just to make sure you are the one is just sad... I think that if you really are/were the one she doesn't need to date other people to find it out.

[ExpatInItaly]

Date other people just to make sure you are the one is just sad... I think that if you really are/were the one she doesn't need to date other people to find it out.

 

OP, read the above again and again. If she "needs" to date other people, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

[frigginlost]

Anyway, she admitted she still loves me but we agreed to take things slow and see what happens. I know she may want to date other people again just to make sure I'm the one, but what's the best way for me to attract her while not coming off too strong?

 

Soooo.... she wants to take her vagina on a trial run with other guys to make sure it's in proper working order before she hands you the keys?

 

Sounds logical. For someone who has no interest in you.

 

But hey, one man's Ford Pinto is another man's Ferrari.

 

Want to attract her? Disappear.

[idoltree]

Finally on Monday of this week she texted me saying part of her regrets leaving me and she said that she'd like to talk about us again, which I said I was also open to.

 

"Open to reconciliation"

"Part of her regrets leaving"

 

These are statements with qualifiers that indicate her foot is still out the door and if that's true, this is going to be a bad time for you.

 

It sounds like being with the new guy wasn't all it was cracked up to be. First, she bounced to him from you. Now she wants to bounce back to you from him. ... Uh, the other option is that she stays single, but I imagine she's one of those women who don't know how to deal with that.

 

A really solid trend is that if a dumper comes back wanting to dictate the pace, or keep the door open to others, then they aren't quite where you need them to be to make a reconciliation work. It was her choice to end the relationship, it's up to her to do the work to fix it. If she doesn't want to commit and work, then it's indicative that she's not fully in this.

 

Additionally, you are not putting up any sort of a challenge for her. Do you think that it was okay what she did? Why are you not outraged or at least annoyed that she left you for someone else, and now kinda sorta wants you as an option because her honeymoon period ended with him?

 

People don't value things in life that are handed to them. They value things they have to work for. Why are you handing yourself to her?

 

Long story short, a mutual friend (more her friend) has been helping her get through things and she called Tuesday night asking if they could come over (which took me off-guard) and I said sure.

We talked a bit and our mutual friend had us both meet up with her and her bf last night.

What's up with the mutual friend as some sort of relationship sherpa?

 

Why can't your ex handle her own life, and take risks to approach you on her own without her friend holding her hand? Does this woman have the emotional fortitude and courage of a lamb eyelash?

 

The night went fine and then at the end she asked if she could come over for a little bit on Thursday to really talk through her confused feelings.

Nope. "Confused feelings" = no go. What that translates to is her trying to find out "is he still an option for me if I want him?"

 

If she has confused feelings, tell her to talk to her sherpa. She broke up with you, it's not your job to help her through her feelings.

 

Then yesterday morning she texted me saying "I broke up with him. Something about last night just felt right."

Well, I'm glad her decisions are based on sound logic and rationality.

 

What happens when the going gets tough and it no longer "feels right" with you? A brand new emotional affair with a new guy?

 

This woman is flaky as a corn chip.

 

Anyway, she admitted she still loves me but we agreed to take things slow and see what happens.

Taking things slowly with an ex with a foot out the door will mean "we'll be in this limbo forever."

 

I know she may want to date other people again just to make sure I'm the one, but what's the best way for me to attract her while not coming off too strong?

Did she say she wants to date other people? Because if the two of you were in an LTR, she already knows what it's like to be with you. So this should be an opt-in or opt-out, not a grey area.

 

If she's putting you in a grey area, it's because she is scared to be single and wants the option of you waiting for her in case she chooses you in the future. This is not flattering.

 

As for attracting her without coming on too strong, easy: go back to NC. A guy who would accept a flaky ex who cheated on him and is now testing the waters after things didn't work out with the other guy is not a guy with strong values and self-respect.

 

Honestly, you'd be way more attractive to her if you shut her down and tell her to come back when she's serious, and you'd think about it then. In the meantime, you've got women to date who don't bounce from guy to guy. Maybe one of them will be "the one" for you and you don't want to waste time with a flaky woman.

 

OP, you sound like an awesome, mature, and conscientious guy. I think you deserve way better than her, but if she comes back someday and possesses actual courage and a will to stick things out through the tough times, then I think you can give her a shot.

 

Right now, it seems that you have some willful blind spots and you're trying to shove this into a "look how mature we're being about this!" box, but it doesn't quite fit in that mold. You have what it takes to make a reconciliation work, she doesn't. So you can take things slow with a woman who is 100% sure she wants you back, and is willing to work to regain your trust. That might work. This one wants to be wishy-washy and have you do the work, so this should be a no go for you. It's too risky.

[bigtrouble]

So the situation is that my Ex and I broke up from a LTR 5 months ago and shortly after she started dating another guy. During the 5 months we still had brief periods of contact at times until recently after New Years when I went no contact again. Finally on Monday of this week she texted me saying part of her regrets leaving me and she said that she'd like to talk about us again, which I said I was also open to.

 

Long story short, a mutual friend (more her friend) has been helping her get through things and she called Tuesday night asking if they could come over (which took me off-guard) and I said sure. The night went fine and then at the end she asked if she could come over for a little bit on Thursday to really talk through her confused feelings.

 

Then yesterday morning she texted me saying "I broke up with him. Something about last night just felt right." We talked a bit and our mutual friend had us both meet up with her and her bf last night. After they left we sat in the car and she said that every time she was alone with him she was thinking of me and how she missed our connection. Though she did admit that she liked how he always had a big group of friends to hang out with and that he was very outgoing (which I told her was very superficial). Anyway, she admitted she still loves me but we agreed to take things slow and see what happens. I know she may want to date other people again just to make sure I'm the one, but what's the best way for me to attract her while not coming off too strong?

 

Thanks for the advice!

 

I know you are in a tight spot, heart versus logic...

Do what makes you happy...

She is still in the process of deciding what she wants in life...

You don't choose a guy because of superficial things...

She knows you are the best for her...

She is not ready but slowly getting there...

You are right you guys need to take its slow...

Where you go from here is how you carry it, and lead her...

[dumbass2]

"Then yesterday morning she texted me saying "I broke up with him. Something about last night just felt right."

 

The guy she was dating probably broke up with her before she even got back in to contact with you and the "just felt right " part......yeah she felt like you were just there still waiting and willing to take her back. She's in a great spot.

[Holmes85]

Windman17,

 

This is how it should have been played out with a girl like that.

 

Her: I broke up with him. Something about last night just felt right.

 

You: I think I am going to block you.

 

Her: Why?

 

You: Because something about it just feels right.

[STM206]

**** that! Tell her to shove it - you aren't some item on a rack that she can choose to wear for a few months. She's proven her loyalty, (or should I say lack of) once - she will only do the same thing over and over again.

[LovelyDaze]

 

Then yesterday morning she texted me saying "I broke up with him. Something about last night just felt right." !

 

She's really something!

 

Tried and true NC in this case for sure. That statement she made right above says it all about her. Your ex goes wherever the wind blows. If she "feels right" elsewhere while with you IF you take her back, you will regret it.

 

Just show her you are not into these silly games and let her learn a lesson in growing up and what love does and doesn't do. And what love doesn't do?..is toy with people's emotions. Remember that.

[SoThatHappened]

So she jumped of your d*** to his and now wants back on yours... all without time off?

 

Run man. I was with a girl like that. Didn't end up well for me. This won't end well for you.

[Windman17]

Please don't bother commenting if you're going to be a jerk in responding to me... I appreciate honest advice but you can be critical while not being harsh.

 

Here’s my situation:

 

My ex broke up with me back in August of 2014 because shewasn’t feeling “in love” with me anymore. About a month later she startedseeing this other guy but she would reach out to me from time to time. Then in mid-Januaryof this year she started reaching out to me more saying things like “I miss you”and “I regret walking away.” That same week her and a mutual friend came overto my place just to hang out (even though the friend wanted us to talk), butapparently it went well since she texted me the next day saying “I broke upwith him – something about last night just felt right.” She then proceeded totell me that she had fun with him when they were out socializing with hisfriends, but when it was just the two of them, all she would ever think aboutis me and how great we were together. And that she never loved him – he wasjust someone to fill the void. He basically treated her poorly and was usingher to inflate his ego, and she was using him for the social aspects that weremissing during our relationship. We didn’t socialize much with others when wewere dating and she missed that part – though now I have a bunch of friends,including a small tight-knit group that I hang out with weekly – so she likes that.

 

Well since then we’ve been hanging out more, at least a fewtimes a week. Most of the time it’s been her either wanting to come over orsuggesting things to do. We have the same level of connection on a best friend-levelbut when things get past that point it becomes a little unclear. I’ve initiatedat times trying to be more intimate and even though she goes with it at times,other times she pushes away.

 

She’s been battling depression for awhile now (even when wewere still dating) but it’s became worse within the last year. She’s finallyseeing a therapist and is on depression meds, but it’s only been 2 weeks. She’stold me that she can hardly have fun doing anything anymore, and that it’s astruggle to get out and do things (obviously symptoms of depression). She alsodoesn’t have any close girlfriends, and the ones she does have don’t like tosocialize much, so she wants a group of close friends that will actually texther and that she can go out and socialize with on the weekends (which I toldher was a good thing to find and that I support). She's also not happy with her job situation or her roommate/living situation which doesn't help, and she's not very confident in herself even though plenty of guys have shown interest in her, just to give you some perspective.

 

But on the other hand she says she’s confused about what shewants. She says she’s not sure she wants a relationship right now because shewants to develop girl-friendships first so that she can feel good aboutherself. She’s told me that she doesn’t want to lead me on because she stillloves me and is so happy when she’s around me, BUT that things don’t feel thesame anymore on a romantic/attraction level. That she doesn’t want to hurt mebecause she cares about me and knows I care about her, but that even though shemay only be casually seeing other guys to make friends, she may end up withsomeone else. Yet at the same time, she flirts with me and talks to me abouteverything like we’re still in a relationship, even planning future trips withme – and we’ve become intimate a few times – most recently on Valentine’s Day(hung out for the day at a basketball game and some other things as friends,and she leaned over several times and kissed me). She even out of the blue asked me if I thought we were meant to be together and I said "I'd like to think so" and when I asked her, she said "Yeah I do." But then there are other moments after those where she says she’s soconfused and doesn’t know if it’s the depression that’s making her feel thisway or that she really just doesn’t feel that spark anymore.

 

So I guess my questions are (1) If I do still have feelingsfor her and want to re-attract her, is there anything I need to do differentlyeither than just being myself and hanging out? (2) If she really did regretwalking away from me and still tells me things like “I love being around you”and “You make me happy”, then why doesn’t she seem attracted to me? Could it bebecause of the depression that’s making her confuse real love for what shethinks attraction is? (3) Do I need to actively encourage her to go out and tryto make friends, even with guys that she may date and want to hook up with, tosee that she still isn’t missing anything in the dating department (Again, I’mcompletely fine with her making girlfriends and even mixed group friends – but ifshe were to start dating someone else, I probably would have to step back)? Ordo I need to just say something like “I think we need some time apart for youto find your friends and figure out if you want me like you say you do or not,because otherwise I’m going to find someone who appreciates all the love I haveshown you and can give to someone” – and again risk losing her...

 

Thanks for the advice!

Edited February 16, 2015 by Windman17
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[jus d'orange]

I'm not really sure what to say.

 

She seems very uncertain and unable to commit and be sure of what she's feeling about you at any given moment.

 

A proper relationship requires stable commitment and feelings from both sides. It really seems like she can't provide that at the moment, and while you guys are having a good time hanging out, you don't want to get caught in this limbo where you get more and more committed to her and she just stays in the same place of uncertainty.

 

I would recommend talking to her and saying that, just as she would want for herself, you would like to be with somebody who can be consistently there for you emotionally. It IS difficult, because she has depression, but remember that you are not responsible for her mental health.

 

If she is able to get to a place of stability, it certainly does seem like she still has feelings for you, so then you guys could make it something more definite. But in this place of limbo... that's not so great.

[privategal]

No matter what, it doesn't seem stabile to go from one relationship to another. She needs time to go from him to you. You need time to be certain whether you can allow her back.

Theres an aweful lot of confusion right now. Id go NC for awhile to get some clarity. Have an honest talk first and explain that you care and haven't lost your feelings however if its to be a true fresh start, everyone needs time for healing the past and to be both very healthy and certain this is what you both want.

If you don't do this and jump right in, the uncertainty is gonna cause a collapse in the future anyways and its gonna hurt worse.

If its meant to be, no time or distance is going to ruin that.

Why rush this right now?

I say wait, take a step back and figure out what YOU want.

Its healthier to take this step together.

Tell her your not sure and love her but need time apart in a healthy manner.

[Windman17]

I'm not really sure what to say.

 

She seems very uncertain and unable to commit and be sure of what she's feeling about you at any given moment.

 

A proper relationship requires stable commitment and feelings from both sides. It really seems like she can't provide that at the moment, and while you guys are having a good time hanging out, you don't want to get caught in this limbo where you get more and more committed to her and she just stays in the same place of uncertainty.

 

I would recommend talking to her and saying that, just as she would want for herself, you would like to be with somebody who can be consistently there for you emotionally. It IS difficult, because she has depression, but remember that you are not responsible for her mental health.

 

If she is able to get to a place of stability, it certainly does seem like she still has feelings for you, so then you guys could make it something more definite. But in this place of limbo... that's not so great.

 

I forgot to mention this but we were together for a little over 5 years - she's 22, I'm 24. We both love each others' families and have taken multiple trips with each other and pre-breakup were planning on moving in together and picking out rings/planning for marriage.

 

I completely understand what you're saying jus d'orange. I do want to be there for her as she copes (and hopefully overcomes) with her depression, and she's always said that I've been her biggest supporter. But it definitely is hard when we both know that at times I want more and she can't commit to me because she doesn't feel the same spark.

 

Is it worth talking to her and explaining that it may just be the depression tricking her into thinking there's not really a spark there because she's so used to and comfortable with me, and it doesn't necessarily come off as "excitement or passion?"

 

When she tells me things like she was so upset when she learned that I had a proposal planned out when she was still with the other guy (far in advance by the way) and just recently that she wished we lived together, I can't help but think that she wants so badly for us to work but can't get herself to feel the same way. And I know she feels horrible about it because she knows how good I am to her.

[Chi townD]

She dumped you, then started dating someone a month later.

She has depression and tells you she has a hard time functioning. However, she is getting help for it and has been on medicine for the past two weeks.

 

 

She see you being more social and more active and she's grown fond of being around you. She sent you breadcrumbs, and yet she still has this doubt.

 

 

Well, here's the rub. Read the first sentence of this post. You don't owe her anything. She made that choice, you didn't.

[jus d'orange]

I think the best thing is to give it space for a while and let her know that while you support her efforts to overcome her depression, that for the sake of both of you, you need to step back. I don't know if you should be full NC but just pull yourself out of this current situation. If she is able to get mentally healthier, all of the positive stuff she is saying about you would make a relationship possible, but without that spark and with the depression it's all clouded in doubt and were it not to work out, you're putting yourself in for a lot of pain. On the other hand, if you give yourself some space, you'll both have a chance to heal from what's been happening, strengthen the rest of yourself, and she'll still know how to get in touch if she decides/feels that she really wants to invest herself in this.

[Windman17]

No matter what, it doesn't seem stabile to go from one relationship to another. She needs time to go from him to you. You need time to be certain whether you can allow her back.

Theres an aweful lot of confusion right now. Id go NC for awhile to get some clarity. Have an honest talk first and explain that you care and haven't lost your feelings however if its to be a true fresh start, everyone needs time for healing the past and to be both very healthy and certain this is what you both want.

If you don't do this and jump right in, the uncertainty is gonna cause a collapse in the future anyways and its gonna hurt worse.

If its meant to be, no time or distance is going to ruin that.

Why rush this right now?

I say wait, take a step back and figure out what YOU want.

Its healthier to take this step together.

Tell her your not sure and love her but need time apart in a healthy manner.

 

I know what you're saying, and I do agree that if it's meant to be then it will play out that way, but at the same time I also believe that you have to make things happen at times and initiate some action. I guess if I do step back I am afraid of even losing her as a friend, because we really became the best of friends, and picked up right where we left off as soon as she ended it with the other guy. She's told me she's on a dating site just to get out and meet people (she's only been out with one guy and it hasn't gone anywhere), and honestly I am too though I don't even feel like acting on it, so I guess I am worried that she'll fall back into the same trap of feeling like she needs to experiment more. In some ways I know I should encourage her to do this since she never really let loose except for in college and it might show her she's still not missing anything, but in my selfish way I'm afraid some guy with smooth talk her into his arms (and yes I know that's my insecurity showing).

 

I think one of the biggest issues is that she doesn't have close girl friends to get to know and to make her feel good about herself, so she's superficially hoping that maybe she'll meet some through social groups or by going out with other guys (which is exactly what she did with her now-ex).

 

So do I just pretend that it doesn't bother me, or do I tell her that I'm going out and seeing other people and we should take some time apart - maybe to induce a little jealousy and longing if she gets the sense that she may be losing me for good?

[idoltree]

Windman, I'm a "tell it like it is" advice giver. I will try to be sensitive to the fact that you're hurting. I'm sorry for that. I know this stuff is tough to deal with. However I think you're so lost in the details that you can no longer see the forest for the trees.

 

I used to be like you when I was much younger. I put up with so much just to keep an ex in my life, and looking back, I want to smack myself upside the head. It totally worked against my self-interests, and why would I do that to myself?

 

That's where this is coming from, because I want to help you not make the same mistakes I did.

 

I know what you're saying, and I do agree that if it's meant to be then it will play out that way, but at the same time I also believe that you have to make things happen at times and initiate some action.

 

With a new girl with no history you make things happen and initiate some action. With a girl you have chosen to break up with in the past, you make things happen and initiate some action.

 

You cannot do this with someone who has broken up with you, had kinda come back, and is now distancing again, because there is an unfavorable power differential. She has 99.7% of the power, and you will not be able to make things happen. You either take what she offers while she continues to hold the power, or you say that it's not acceptable for you and leave, thereby slowly taking back your share of the power.

 

I guess if I do step back I am afraid of even losing her as a friend,

Is it better to have a friendship that you wish was more and get strung along, or is it better to free yourself from this person to protect yourself? If you do the latter, eventually you will be freed up to date other women, and once you've fully moved on and have no romantic feelings for your ex, you can pursue a friendship. What you have now isn't a real friendship, because you want it to be more than that.

 

If the two of you mean that much to one another, friendship will always be an option in the future.

 

because we really became the best of friends, and picked up right where we left off as soon as she ended it with the other guy.

She came back halfheartedly, and the fact that you were willing to accept that means that she doesn't have to give you any more. That's working out well for her. The world is her oyster. You, if she wants you, and the courage to date others with you safely waiting for her.

 

She's told me she's on a dating site just to get out and meet people (she's only been out with one guy and it hasn't gone anywhere),

There are ways to get out and meet people that don't involve dating sites. If she's on a dating site it is because she would like to pursue dating someone new.

 

and honestly I am too though I don't even feel like acting on it, so I guess I am worried that she'll fall back into the same trap of feeling like she needs to experiment more.

Sweetie, only you see it as a trap. She sees it as her preferable course of action, otherwise she wouldn't be making the choices that she is making.

 

Remember, if she wanted to be with you, she knows you are willing, so there is nothing stopping her from being with you. This talk of depression is either real, and resulting from her guilt of not being honest, or a way to keep you as a backup plan so you don't leave her without one.

 

I know that hurts to hear, but I see nothing else with the way she is treating you. Do know that she does care, that she does find you attractive, and that she does want you in her life. Not enough to date only you, though. That makes you the backup plan.

 

In some ways I know I should encourage her to do this

What?! Sweetie, you aren't her keeper. You aren't her father. You don't want her to date other men. You would do better to stop twisting yourself in knots so you can accept less than you want from her.

 

Look up the term "codependency". This is what you are doing. You are selling your wants and needs down the river so that you can take care of her. This isn't healthy for you.

 

since she never really let loose except for in college and it might show her she's still not missing anything, but in my selfish way I'm afraid some guy with smooth talk her into his arms (and yes I know that's my insecurity showing).

This is your good sense showing (the sense you've talked yourself out of) not insecurity.

 

If you honestly, 100%, believe it is good for her to date men other than you, then go no contact and let her do what she's going to do. You wouldn't want to interfere with her personal growth, and all.

 

At it's most basic level, she already knows what it is like to be with you, and she is not choosing to be with you. She doesn't need to date other men while you hold her hand to figure out if you are who she wants. She wants you as an option if nothing else works out for her, and you want more than that. This means that you have a very basic conflict of interest, and trying to talk yourself into abandoning your own self interests in order to support her is just excuses. Please don't sell yourself short like this. It is taking bits of your soul away. Be true to yourself and know that you deserve to be more than one girl's backup plan.

 

I think one of the biggest issues is that she doesn't have close girl friends to get to know and to make her feel good about herself,

She's a big girl and can figure out how to make friends if that's what she wants for herself. It's not hard to make new same-sex friends.

 

so she's superficially hoping that maybe she'll meet some through social groups or by going out with other guys (which is exactly what she did with her now-ex).

I'm sorry but this logic is getting quite outrageous. No, she doesn't want to date guys to meet female friends. That's not how this works. She wants to date guys to date guys.

 

So do I just pretend that it doesn't bother me, or do I tell her that I'm going out and seeing other people and we should take some time apart - maybe to induce a little jealousy and longing if she gets the sense that she may be losing me for good?

Don't sit nicely on the shelf and pretend it doesn't bother you. You don't have to do this to yourself.

 

You say "Ex, I'd like to work things out. I'm not willing to sit by and wait for you while you date other guys. You already know what it is like to date me, so either you're in fully, or you're out. And if you're out, then I'd like to cut ties so I can move on and develop feelings for other girls. You know that I wish you the best, but I'm not willing to sell out my own self-interests to support you in this journey. I have to put myself first and I have my own journey to attend to."

 

And then do it.

 

Always remember that women are attracted to men who are confident and respect themselves. You putting up with her halfhearted measures when you want more translates to her that you don't respect yourself.

 

Don't be afraid to let go; in the long run, it's actually the most attractive choice. Honestly, after twenty years of dating and watching friends and family date, you have a better shot long term if you leave than if you hang around. She will have more respect for you if you don't put up with the little that she is offering you, which means you've got a better shot of her wanting to try again with you in the future. I know it's hard to believe, but finding the courage to let her go is best for you - either you move on with someone else, or she eventually comes back. If you stay, you won't be able to develop feelings for other girls and she will lose attraction for you.

[BC1980]

She has no intention of being in a relationship with you. She is hanging around you because you are a familiar fallback, but she wants the relationship on her terms. You support her through her depression at the cost of your own mental well being and ability to move on. You are the last person who should be her support at this time. The very last. The situation is no more or less complicated than that.