lynnie24 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 A little history first…I was previously dating a guy for a year and was never quite comfortable or confident in the relationship…I knew all along that the relationship was wrong for me, but stayed because I felt like he needed me and loved me like no one else had, the relationship was intense, exhausting, and great at times…but needed to end…So I started working at a new job and had an immediate connection with a guy I work with (which I have never experienced before) it was like I knew eventually we would end up together…crazy! So after things not going well with the original guy and I had enough of his selfishness and my insecurities I ended things…almost immediately the guy from work and I started dating…he is very sweet and all around great guy, we have a great time together…BUT he is 43 and never married, very set in his ways and I’m not sure if there is any potential there…We have been dating for 3 months…and I’m kind of at the point where I need to know where things are going? He says he wants to change and not be single forever and will take time to adjust…which I understand...but I don’t want to have to convince someone to be in a relationship even if he wants to? I’m definitely over cautious because of the last relationship and am thinking I should just stop over thinking and see where it goes…He says he loves me and I believe him…but I’m sort of calloused to love and afraid that I am holding back completely loving him because of the last relationship draining me…I would appreciate any advice…Thanks! 1
Methodical Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 How old are you? Based on limited information I'm going to say the new guy, who is 43, has never been married, is used to getting what he wants without commitment. *If you can get the milk for free, why buy the cow?* My gut says when relationships get deep and the girl wants a commitment, he bails. Again, this is a gut reaction based on limited information. What do you know about his past relationships? 2
Author lynnie24 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 Sorry for limited info...was afraid to babble too much...lol...I'm 39...and he is definitely committed, but I am thinking that being single so long is a hard habit to break and I don't mean as in dating other people but as in used to being alone and doing what he wants...he has had a few long term relationships one was 8 years, but his recent dating prior to me was party girls and I'm a mom of 2 and not a bad girl...he tells me he always falls for the nice girl an only hung out with the party girls for a few weeks before he was tired of them... I am thinking I may be the one to bail because I think i am afraid of getting too deep because of my past experiences and i am anticipating him just deciding one day it's easier to stay single than to put effort into a relationship...but that may be my insecurities? 1
Methodical Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I am thinking I may be the one to bail because I think i am afraid of getting too deep because of my past experiences and i am anticipating him just deciding one day it's easier to stay single than to put effort into a relationship...but that may be my insecurities? That's not your insecurities...that's forming an opinion based on his past behavior. I don't know if you are seeking marriage, but I guarantee you he isn't. Set in his ways is an understatement. Tread carefully, he's not going to change! 3
Author lynnie24 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 I agree with you completely...which is my dilemma...I am a busy Mom of 2 and am not looking to get married anytime soon (or later! Ha) I don't have a ton of free time...so I'm stuck between just taking things one day at a time and appreciate having someone or moving on because there may not be potential for more...i am very much not letting myself get too invested because of my past relationship consuming me.... 1
SycamoreCircle Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Honestly, it sounds like you need to work on you. You make the transition from one guy to the next sound so natural. As natural as a lie. You've heard the analogy of women to monkeys and tree branches? Not to be too hard, but you've got kids. Why don't you spend some of this energy on them? 3
Author lynnie24 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 well...that is very harsh...I spend all of my time and energy running around with my kids with the exception of when they are with their Dad's house...and I do not appreciate you suggesting I'm neglecting them...I do need to work on me agreed...thanks for reminding why I shouldn't bother on these forums just to get attacked when asking for a little advice... 1
Winterina Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 People do need time to adjust. Give him time and see how it goes. If he is so nice as you say, he deserves a shot. His past has nothing to do with you. He might have too been let down and disappointed and decided to go for the party girls instead. Maybe you are someone he has been waiting for. If he is not alcoholic, not a cheater, not a liar, not disrespectful... what is it exactly that you are afraid of? If you want to see where it goes than you have to stay with him and give him some time and patience. Of course, this does not mean he can do anything in the meanwhile but if he need time to psychologically adjust, many people do... I have not read one bad thing about him in your post so on the basis of the info you provided there is no reason to break it off. 1
Brooke02 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Your not in a rush to get married but you want to see where things are going.. Im not understanding your question. Its been 3 months.. Is he not showing commitment, are you not movung foward, not doing things together... You didnt give any details as to why you think your feeling this way about him? 1
preraph Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 So has he not had roommates during this whole time either? Has he lived completely alone. That's what I have done, and it does make you set in your ways. If he's had roommates, though, then he couldn't have really gotten that set in his daily ways. Either way, just date him and don't make any big commitments and see if he remains inflexible or not. You don't want someone who is inflexible. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Sometimes people need the harsh truth. My opinion is my opinion and has nothing to do with the other fine folks on this forum. To discredit this forum for my opinion reflects more on the person doing the discrediting. I'm not suggesting you're a neglectful parent. I'm suggesting that parents can always concentrate on being more selfless parents. Your problems don't ring of selflessness. More self-involved. 1
Sunfire73 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Not sure what your problem is. Is it that the new guy hasn't been married and might like the way it is or that you are not open to dating him and being over cautious because of that. So it's like asking who is not ready here, you or the new guy. What happened to the new guy's 8 yr relationship? Why didn't that lead to marriage? Maybe that's a clue that he is not into marriage and would just string anyone along without a commitment. 1
lovexocoach Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Sounds to me like there is chemistry. That's a good start. Now you have to find out if there is compatibility. You and your man have only been dating for three months so you haven't had time to get to know each other very well. You're still in the "getting to know each other" stage. I understand you don't want to waste your time but the relationship is off to a good start. You have to give it a chance to grow and blossom. He says he loves you. You believe him. He must be treating you well or you would have mentioned that he wasn't. You're already invested in this relationship or you wouldn't be having these thoughts. It's WAY too early "to see where things are going" in my opinion. What do you mean by that? Do you want to know if he wants to get married? Or do you want to know if you're exclusive? I don't think those are topics to bring up at this point. You're right - you are overthinking this. And your insecurities are carrying over from the past. Live in the moment. Put effort into the relationship. Enjoy the time you have with him and let the relationship unfold. Good luck!
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