still thinking of gf who it seems never really loved me....

[crespa84]

15months ago I recieved a msg from a woman on a dating site. I had never been with a woman before so wasnt expecting much just friendship...but we grew close..talking everyday...her messaging me first almost everytime...on a second convo she said she couldnt stop thinking about me (must add one of the first things i ever told her when started talking was that i was going to Australia for 6months in a years time)....she told me about herself...her music she made and that she had a 14yr old son. I dont know exactly what she did but i fell hook, line and sinker....2 weeks before we met couldnt stop thinking about her...she said the same...and so we met up...had a wonderful date...apart from a couple of odd moments which THEN i put down to drink. By the end of the date i had fallen for her more thought and out of the blue she asked me to be her gf...and so i agreed....looking back now i think it was too fast...but it felt right. The first 2 months were amazing...i was so happy to have found her or her me....she was funny...complimentary, no one had ever been that nice to me or treated me so well before (manorwoman) and the sex was amazing....so i just thought "how lucky am i".

 

Things went strange just over 2months in when she met some of my friends and family. We met at my place and she even brought food to make us all...we drank, laughed and had a good time. By this point she had told me she loved me a couple of weeks before and as i had never said it to anyone before i needed to be certain before i did. That night i was going to say it...so when we went to bed i did..after a few deep breaths.

..and thats when it went weird...she got up paced about and starting crying how she cant do this...."im going away and ill just hurt her"...."it'll never work" and this went in for over 3hrs until i could calm her down and convince her that i loved her and wanted only her.

She apologised profusely and we fell asleep. Next morning all was fine....but sadly this was the pattern after...for the next few months she'd get sad (mainly when she drunk) angry and dump me and id have to beg her to rethink her decision...and id always comvince her....she told me when we met she was a muscian but throughout our relationship she never worked....shed cook...clean...i was never allowed to...if i moved to even get a glass of water when i was at hers she wouldn't be happy...we were together all the time..then 6months in i had to leave my flat and she suggested i move in with her and as i loved her and we were mostly always together i agreed...even though deep down i thought it was too fast....at first it was lovely....but then the arguements started...she'd always talk about her exes..especially the last one before me...that was an abusive relationship.

app towards her but still she'd go on about her...and as i had no real past relationships i had nothing to say back and so would just listen....we began to argue often and each time she'd dump me...wouldnt look at me or touch me...id be crying my eyes out but it made no difference...i had to apologise and apologise (for what i dont know) but i did it all the same...and in the end she'd hug me...apologise and say she loved me and that im too good for her....but still the pattern continued. I got us a new place...paid deposit...stressed looking for it whilst still working...most things we moved in were mine...but a thank you was never said....she would just act ashamed and dad that she couldnt provide...but still she did nothing.

From september last year it all got even worse...arguments were more louder...(mainly cos i wouldnt pander as much) she'd say i was lazy and treated her like a slave...even though whenever i did she'd complain. I knew things werent right...before i met her i wad the happiest i had even been....but now i cried alone...on the way to work...in the shower...trying to understand who she wanted ME to be...cos i could see i wasn't enough even if she said different.

Everything became my fault....when her friends let her down id get the brunt..."being called a thick cunt" "stupid dickhead" in front of her friends and others i didnt know was almost the last straw...after swearing and making a scene she stormed off leaving me and her son to follow her...and when we took too long again i was blamed...writing it all out now I should have walked away there and then....but the love and the way she was when she was nice kept me...i just couldnt leave and i thought it was cos i was sure she needed me but when in reality she had been breaking me down. I always try to think of other excuses...the main one being i was going to oz (now for 4/5 months - for her i might add) so i convinced myself that when i got back we'd start a new and she'd be happier. I left for oz end of december just gone...and the amount of arguements we had almost broke me...and it always happened at the end of the nite when it was mainly just her and me...on my bday (2nd nov)....bonfire night...when we went away to see MY friends in a place she'd never been...she stormed off for hrs..just to keep texting me how horrible i am and that shes had enough...and again i chased her...looked for her...found her just to be shut down again....xmas eve...xmas day....the day before i left for OZ was lovely...i was going to miss her terribly and she said she would too...she said we'd talk everyday.."we'd work it out, please just enjoy yourself."

 

Now just 3 weeks into this trip she dumped me for the 10th time. My first week here all she could msg me was that she couldnt eat or sleep...and me being away was killing her. (she dumped me then too)...i never knew what to say apart from i miss you too...cos tbh even though i missed her i could eat AND sleep...i was just sad cos she was. 2 days after this she tells me she doesnt want to talk to me everyday and im being selfish making her...its hurting her too much and as i chose to go away i just have to deal with it!...so i would wait for her to msg me but when i didnt msg her in the morning she got angry and said "she wakes up to nothing...cheers" i tried to reason..."this was your choice" but no...i had to reassure i had to calm her down...and how this has (i think) finally ended...i took too 5mins too long to get bak to her.....that was last friday and she hasnt said a kind word since...she even messaged my mother to tell her she had dumped me before even telling me!! Talking about other girls already...others are saying she is o ly doing that to hurt me...but i can understand why...and maybe i never will....ive also found out shes said i would never leave her alone...always calling her moaning....couldnt believe it...couldnt eat or sleep for 3days...but then realised the 4th day i was making myself ill and i cant afford to do that to myself...so ive started eating again..well forcing myself but still.....and sleeping and yet shes still all i can think about! Looking back now and reading what ive just wrote has opened my eyes to the fact she had been emotionally abusing me for months....my family and others have said you cant blame yourself those ppl are clever....but i still feel angry and so hurt...im a strong woman and i cant believe i let her deceive me for so long and im so hurt that she doesnt seem to care at all she's broken my heart...she's apologised for it once....if you call "oh and im sorry for hurting you i never wanted that...i wish you the best"....I wish she hadnt said nothing....its like we were just aquaintances....now im trying to keep busy...but as soon as im not she's all i think about yet she treated me bad....Can anyone relate? Or tell me if there are things i can do....or is it just time...?

 

Whoever you are thank you for reading...didnt mean to ramble x

[Downtown]

Still thinking of gf who it seems never really loved me.

Crespa, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I suspect your exGF really did love you -- but was able to do so only in the very immature way a young child is able to love. I say this because the behaviors you describe -- i.e., her always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, impulsiveness, lack of empathy, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and, to a lesser extent, NPD (Narcissistic PD). Moreover, the repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of folks having strong traits of BPD.

 

Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your Ex. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are fully capable of spotting the red flags for BPD (and NPD) if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. I suspect you will find most of those signs to sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Crespa.