Winterina Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Something is wrong with you if you think losing trust over this is justified. Maybe when you introduce your son to her and she is mean to him for leaving his shoes in the wrong spot or finger prints on the table, you will understand you are dating a controlling freak. I normally like your comments and agree with you but here I do not. If she is germophobe it is stronger than her. It is a condition. And you are right that these people can become control freaks in that respect. Which does not make them unlovable and undateable. This is a problem that can be solved if a person wants it. So he has to put the issue on the table and demand she does something about it and if she loves him, she will. As far as you saying that trust cannot be broken like this... oh yes it can. And it is. People are in general sick and tired of being bulshi..ed. All I want in my life is someone with balls and decency. That does not involve a guy who lies over a toilet lid while knowing it is a tough lie to pull out under the circumstances. She must be wondering if he is lying about this, would he lie to her every time there is something he knows would upset her. Makes sense and fits the character he showed. And there you go, bye bye trust. 1
Author cliche1 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 Well, she has just replied, just saying "Hi babe, how was your day? X" which is her usual pet name for me and greeting after I finish work, although I haven't finished yet.....so here is hoping maybe we can draw a line under this, and I can take all the advice I have gained from everyone and become better, and try to make this a better relationship, myself better, and tackle any underlying issues that may stunt growth.
losangelena Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 What I'm curious about, and what no one else has mentioned yet, is you wrote her an apology over whats app? From the other room? While she was sleeping? Did I read that correctly? I know you were feeling on eggshells, but there's an issue if you can't apologize in person, face-to-face. I understand that dynamic—I was in a relationship like that in the past, where I so feared him, I couldn't stand to even potentially upset him. I told a lot of "little" lies and half-truths, but that led to a lot of pent-up fears, frustrations, and resentments, and then these kind of long, explosion-y, apology emails. That was not a healthy relationship though, we were codependent. I wonder if the two of you don't have a similar dynamic going on. 1
Author cliche1 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 What I'm curious about, and what no one else has mentioned yet, is you wrote her an apology over whats app? From the other room? While she was sleeping? Did I read that correctly? I know you were feeling on eggshells, but there's an issue if you can't apologize in person, face-to-face. I understand that dynamic—I was in a relationship like that in the past, where I so feared him, I couldn't stand to even potentially upset him. I told a lot of "little" lies and half-truths, but that led to a lot of pent-up fears, frustrations, and resentments, and then these kind of long, explosion-y, apology emails. That was not a healthy relationship though, we were codependent. I wonder if the two of you don't have a similar dynamic going on. It was more because it was half 4 in the morning, I couldn't sleep and needed to get it off my chest, I'm also better at articulating myself in text. I tried to speak face to face bit she just dropped one word ansers. When I said to her I'm sorry for disrespecting you as we were walking up the road.she just said ok. She didn't read the whatsapp message until after she got off the train
Photofinish Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Yes, change girlfriend. You are dating a germaphobe. Doesn't she know that we have millions of bacterias in our mouth and you transfer them to her when you kiss. About the billions of germs transferred during sex. And she worries about a toothbrush forgotten on vanity! Why do you want to cater to that kind of stupidity? You're a cruel person. I have OCD. It's not my fault and it's not anyone's fault. I know what it's like to be in the position. My boyfriend goes out of his way to make sure im comfortable in situation because he understands how I feel. Poster should too and if he cannot understand and support her then he should look elsewhere. It just means they arent compatible. So judgmental...Geez
kendahke Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 She is the textbook definition of high maintenance. You will end up with hypertension dealing with her. She's got issues, my dear, and is used to using her issues to control people. When you do not behave as expected, she throws a tantrum like a child. You're just dating now: can you image how much worse this will get (and it will get worse) the longer you're with her? She expects for people to tolerate her, but also expects them to tolerate her intolerance of them. Despite how good the sex is with her, she's damaged and needs to be in therapy, not in a relationship where you can't even take a poop in peace. 1
CalvinM Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I'm also a germaphobe and while it's mostly under control (I wash my hands a lot, especially during cold/flu season), hers is an extreme case. OP, id suggest talking to her about it in a calm tone, explaining to her that her OCD is making you uncomfortable and that was why you backtracked. 1
lovexocoach Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 You probably lied because she scolded you and made you feel embarrassed and like a little boy who had done something wrong. And you want to come across as a man in her eyes. You can't unring that bell. And you'll have to regain her trust. Sounds like she's a germaphobe. Nothing wrong with that and these two incidents you mention aren't extreme. She's not evil and there's nothing wrong with having high standards. High standards are one thing. Controlling someone is something different altogether - and this doesn't sound like she's trying to control you. This whole situation could have been avoided had she said something in a joking manner and told you what she wanted - toilet lid/cover down when flushing (that's a pretty common thing, by the way) - and giving you something for your toothbrush. The question is, are you okay with the way she is or is it going to drive you nuts, keep you walking on egg shells, and make you feel like you're being emasculated? She's someone you will have to adapt to and adjust to if you want the relationship to continue. 1
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 You're a cruel person. I have OCD. It's not my fault and it's not anyone's fault. I know what it's like to be in the position. My boyfriend goes out of his way to make sure im comfortable in situation because he understands how I feel. Poster should too and if he cannot understand and support her then he should look elsewhere. It just means they arent compatible. So judgmental...Geez Where did OP say she is suffering from OCD?
Scaatys2014 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 OMG! Are you kidding me? I was reading this post and thinking "surely to goodness this post is a joke". Buddy, RUN, don't walk! She sounds bat s#@t crazy! 1
Photofinish Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Where did OP say she is suffering from OCD? What exactly do you think it is? Part of her personality?
Photofinish Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 She's someone you will have to adapt to and adjust to if you want the relationship to continue. ^ This. It doesnt make her wrong. It doesnt make him wrong. It's just a condition that she has to live with .
Toodaloo Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 She is the textbook definition of high maintenance. You will end up with hypertension dealing with her. She's got issues, my dear, and is used to using her issues to control people. When you do not behave as expected, she throws a tantrum like a child. You're just dating now: can you image how much worse this will get (and it will get worse) the longer you're with her? She expects for people to tolerate her, but also expects them to tolerate her intolerance of them. Despite how good the sex is with her, she's damaged and needs to be in therapy, not in a relationship where you can't even take a poop in peace. This is what I am thinking. Had she been more relaxed about it would you have lied? Probably not... You lied because you panicked. Let it go and if it happens again tell the truth and explain that you are not perfect and she will have to accept you as you are. That you will make mistakes but you will also make an effort to keep up with her standards as you know it is important to her. Have to say that I don't like the lid up on the loo as I don't want poo particles on my toothbrush after its been flushed... I am going to want to kiss someone with that mouth so why would I want it to have poo in there??? That said if its up I just put it back down! Not rocket science is it? You had a bad stomach. This happens to everyone once in a while. Its life. We get colds, we eat the wrong things or something bad, we cut ourselves and get bruises. All of these warrant CARE not an accusation for messing the place up.
Author cliche1 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 Hi all. Just an update!! We did have quite a talk and she admitted she was a litlle OTT and I admitted I should have been straight, since then though the relationship has just got stronger and stronger.....we have booked our first golidaybtogether and she's started to talk about how she wants us to get old and grey together. So yeah so far so good
katiegrl Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I think everyone here missed a point. It was not toothbrush or toilet seat that bothered her. Someone's high standards can be a drain, yes, but in this case that is not the heart of the issue. It is the fact that she had to sit there and listen to him go on about how he didn't use the toilet when in fact she knew he did. Like that kid on youtube that tried to convince his mum he was not the one that pooped in his pants. So she had to look at and listen to the guy with no balls and no decency to tell her something so trivial, and she had to wonder if he thinks she is an idiot or what. She was thinking - if he is able to look me in the eyes and tell me all this bulls..t when it is obvious what happened, and when it involves such insignificant thing, he would probably not have balls to tell me something more serious, something that I would not be able to know without him telling me. There trivial little things, which involve lying to someone's face, are indications or character. That is the problem. I would not want to date a p.ssy and someone who is going to work an idiot out of me. Be afraid of me in such a tiny little thing. treat me like a mummy. So man up and stop being afraid of your own girlfriend and to tell her the truth. If she does not trust you now about other things I would not blame her. You already showed you have no balls to tell her the truth when it comes to the least of the things one can think of in a relationship. If you cannot tell her that what is it that you will be able to be honest about? Will you always have an excuse and treat her like a mummy? No mummy, I was just scared of telling you I left the toilet seat up and I panicked and lied. Geez. Sorry for the harsh comment, but if she is as great as you say she is then she deserves some credit and not to be lied to and treated like an idiot. How can she love and respect someone who acts like a child and treats her like mum? If she is germophobic, that is the problem, and she might want to think about how it affect the general happiness and feeling relaxed at home, and get help for it. Prompt her to do that. But that is a completely different issue from the one you are addressing. I understand her. I am not even going to start on what it does to the feeling of intimacy, respect for someone, etc. If you want to repair this, NEVER EVER again under any circumstances lie to her, bulls..t her, and tell her half-stories... Honesty is always the best policy and with it you can never go wrong. ^^Agree with all of this! Dude, if she breaks up with you, it is NOT because you didn't put your toothbrush away, or you left the toilet seat up or sat on her bed wearing clothes you wore outdoors, she is going to break up with you because you are acting like a pu ssy-whipped pansy with no backbone! You'll do better next time? And you will improve? BARF....stop that! Where is your self-respect? Down the toilet? Apparently. If you don't knock this wimpy behavior off, she is going to lose respect for you if she hasn't already. Sorry this is harsh but come on man... stand up for yourself. This sounds like a master/slave relationship...
katiegrl Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 girls like her put fear into guys NOT if the guy has a backbone and doesn't allow her to put the fear in him... If he allows it, that's on him! What's that expression guys always tell other guys....grow a pair? OP needs to do that....otherwise he's looking at big problems with this chick down the road...
todreaminblue Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 this si really excessive and if you want to live your life walking on egg shells then stay if you prefer to have a relationship that is easier on the feet. adn nto a constant cause of anxiety and restlessness...dont stay......or talk to her...because for you to feel you have to lie......is not a good sign at all...especially what you felt you had to lie about..now if it were you caught cleaning the toilet with her toothbrush...then that i consider to be big.....everything else you have said is quite petty and superficial... i wish you well....deb
katiegrl Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 good luck with that one. you girls think it's so easy to just grow a pair and everything will be just fine. as a guy I know full well that's a fib. girls will blame us for being mean, uncaring, cruel, the list goes on. and girls will say everything is fine, then next week tell me she actually lied and is so angry at me. what? If that's the case, then dump her. Easy peasy! You teach people (women) how to treat you dude. You allow them to call the shots and walk all over you, that's exactly what they will do. You don't need chicks like that in your life. Choose more wisely. Your call.
cessna Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Toothbrushgate. I can't believe I'm reading this in all honesty... She sounds nuts and you sound terrified. I don't know how you do it, what's it going to be like when you disagree on something that actually matters? And 'germaphobes' are stupid, the sort of people that are so obsessed with sanitising everything that the second they or their kids go out into the big wide world they get ill.
katiegrl Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 what you're missing is girls aren't consistent. be too tough with them and you won't ever get a girlfriend. be too easy and you can be taken advantage of. but girls move the goslposts, but the day, hour, minute. compliment her one day and she'll say it's so so sweet. compliment another day and she'll rudely say she doesn't like compliments. it's very tough to get it right. guys are more consistent. Actually guys are not more consistent, half the threads on this forum (from the ladies) confirm that. But yeah I hear ya...dating is tough...requires a thick skin for sure. For me....my attitude has always been that it doesn't matter whether I have a boyfriend or not. I am perfectly happy on my own too. I don't try too hard to please, I refuse to jump though hoops...I stand up for myself and refuse to tolerate anything even remotely resembling bullshyt. If they don't like it and walk out...fine. Next. Same attitude holds true for guys too! Anyway, because of my attitude, the men I have dated, including my current of 5 years, have a tremendous amount of respect for me and have always treated me really well...none of this back and forth, push/pull crap posted here. I don't know what the answer is really... but that's what has worked for me..
ExpatInItaly Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Hi all. Just an update!! We did have quite a talk and she admitted she was a litlle OTT and I admitted I should have been straight, since then though the relationship has just got stronger and stronger.....we have booked our first golidaybtogether and she's started to talk about how she wants us to get old and grey together. So yeah so far so good Dude, a little? No. She was very OTT. It's good that it's gotten better. But keep an eye out for this behaviour creeping back in. It isn't normal.
kendahke Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Hi all. Just an update!! We did have quite a talk and she admitted she was a litlle OTT and I admitted I should have been straight, since then though the relationship has just got stronger and stronger.....we have booked our first golidaybtogether and she's started to talk about how she wants us to get old and grey together. So yeah so far so good Like I said above: She's got issues, my dear, and is used to using her issues to control people. A little OTT? A little? She's still being controlling because she refuses to truthfully and honestly see her problem. It's not a little, my dear. This hasn't gone away just because you've had a chat and booked a holiday. You'll get a real dose of her once you're on vacation with her. You'd better hope everything goes well.
Diezel Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 we have booked our first golidaybtogether Yeah, this is more than likely going to be disastrous after Day 3.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I'm a little OCD about germs lol. But um, I don't think I'd dump someone because they left the toilet seat up while they flushed it; nor would I want any guy to have that irrational fear of me dumping him for something trivial such as that! I ask people to take their shoes off before they step on my carpeting because it's new and I'd like it to stay that way for as long as possible and also because of the dirt and germs from outside that they could track in. I don't employ the 5 second rule if food is dropped on the floor once it hits the floor, it's going in the trash can! Seriously though, there are some people who are germaphobes...but, the way she got on your case for leaving out YOUR toothbrush at YOUR house and the way she freaked when you left the toilet lid up at her house is um, a very weird way to react to little things like that. She is showing you her true personality and idiosyncrasies right out of the gate - pay close attention to them. Because, no matter how infatuated or in love with her you are (or think that you are), she will NEVER change with regard to her germaphobe-ness; so, during the entire course of your relationship with her, it will involve YOU changing to suit HER "hygienic expectations" - what will SHE have to change about herself to accommodate YOUR expectations? Perhaps these are things you should think about before you fall for her any deeper than you obviously already have. If you think you can live with her OCD and if you're willing to change aspects of yourself to accommodate her, then...go for it. Good luck and God Bless! .
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