Little Lies, Stupid Me

[cliche1]

Hi All.

 

So basic background, In october I met this amazing woman. She has been everything I've ever wanted in a woman and shes said that I've been the perfect boyfriend and shes never had someone go out their way for them like I have. However in the last couple weeks I've been really stupid.

 

The issue is around hygiene, she has very high, specific hygiene standards, and whilst I do have standards, shes on another level.

Last week, she stayed at mine and I left my toothbrush out, and she asked me if it was mine and I panicked, and just said said I normally put it in a little bag, and went and did it, but she wasnt amused, but didnt say alot. But the second one has really upset her.

 

Last night I stayed at hers and used the bathroom, (I had the runs, sorry to share but its in context) and about 15 minutes later she said why did i leave the toilet lid up, and not to do it as bacteria spreads, again I panicked and said I didnt use the toilet, but was looking at a spot, but she said she heard me flush the toilet and use spray, and then I tried to backtrack and to put it simply, I messed up, all because I didnt want her to think I was nasty, and also didnt want her to know I had a bout in her toilet, so said I had the opposite problem.

 

Stupid right?! And yes I am aware I'm an idiot!!

 

After that, she got annoyed and barely said a word the rest of the night, and fell asleep facing away from me. I could not sleep so I went and sat on the sofa, and sent her a long whats-app message apologizing for my idiocy. When she woke up, we went on our commute, we go the same way but she gets off the train a stop before me, and the whole journey was a little awkward, small talk, she was very quiet, didn't want to hug up and was a little distant, I again said sorry. when she got off she did kiss me and said have a good day.

 

I then got a reply on whats-app a little while later, she said my message was lovely, she mentioned both incidents and said there's no need to lie,and that her respect and faith in me will be lost and that I'm treating her that shes dumb or stupid. she has trust issues and now questions if I'm lying to her about bigger things and that shes not sure if I say things now just to appease her or if I'm keeping stuff real, she has previously said she has trust issues and doesn't want to be sceptical.

 

I have replied stating that I've not lied about anything else and that i've been truthful otherwise, that I respect her and think shes the most amazing effervescent woman ever, but that I have realised my hygiene standards are not on her level, that I need to fix up and just be honest about these things and improve my levels up to her standards, that it wont happen again, that i've had this stupid fear she might not want us to move in together or be with me because of my standards (i'm generally clean but its little things, the toothbrush thing i've already corrected) and well, you get the idea, it was a lot of feeling sorry, being ashamed and embarrassed, and I ended it by saying that I hope that she can forgive me and that we move onwards and upwards, and continue the good vibes, as other than this its been amazing,we like each other a lot and had a fantastic spa day over the weekend. I just don't want things to change. even before I messed up last night, I cooked a meal for her and all was good!

 

Is there anything else I should do? Have I ruined it all?

Edited January 22, 2015 by cliche1

[Gaeta]

Hi All.

Is there anything else I should do? Have I ruined it all?

 

Yes, change girlfriend.

 

You are dating a germaphobe.

 

Doesn't she know that we have millions of bacterias in our mouth and you transfer them to her when you kiss. About the billions of germs transferred during sex. And she worries about a toothbrush forgotten on vanity!

 

Why do you want to cater to that kind of stupidity?

[cliche1]

Yes, change girlfriend.

 

You are dating a germaphobe.

 

Doesn't she know that we have millions of bacterias in our mouth and you transfer them to her when you kiss. About the billions of germs transferred during sex. And she worries about a toothbrush forgotten on vanity!

 

Why do you want to cater to that kind of stupidity?

 

Oh, what I meant was it left it out in a cup, next to other people in the house toothbrushes, which I don't normally do rather than put it in a bathroom cupboard or on the side in the holder.

 

She is very strict, true. But its better than living with a sloth. And trust me after the run of bad dating experiences i've had over the years, she is a godsend, maybe thats why i've panicked as well?

 

The big thing was that I messed up and lied, over some irrational fear, although shes also expressed a few weeks ago that she gets worried i'd change my mind about her, but I am really into her, and we are sort of planning to plan a holiday for the summer. I'm just worried if I have broken trust....

[Gaeta]

Do you realize you are talking about breaking trust over a toothbrush and a toilet seat? You sound like a scared cat ! In the list of everything you have to worry about in life do you really want to squeeze on top of your list toothbrush and toilet seat?

 

Most men: OMG I cheated I am afraid my gf will break up with me.

 

You: OMG I left my toothbrush out I am afraid my gf will break up with me

[Gaeta]

She is very strict, true..

That's another expression for : she is a control freak

 

The big thing was that I messed up and lied, over some irrational fear,

You are afraid of her reaction that is how people feel when they date a control freak.

[Diezel]

Dude, act like a man. YES THAT IS MY TOOTHBRUSH. WHAT?

 

Come on, you are living in fear of this?

And knock her off that pedestal. And stop apologizing for everything.

[Zahara]

Bacteria spreads because you left the seat up? She takes the train. The seats, the handle bars, the ticket dispenser -- all festering with all kinds of germs. Really?

 

"Yes honey, I left my toothbrush out. It's fine." "I forgot to put the lid down, sorry about that." Where's your balls? Panicking and lying over silly stuff. You lie because you fear her. What sort of relationship is that?

 

I have an uncle who's been married to a woman like her for several years. Poor guy always walking on eggshells. 4 months in and you're on your way.

[Eaglestar83]

You are placing her on high pedestals. Maybe this is just another ****ty relationship aft all because you make her sound like an angel and there are no angels on earth!!

You seem like a rabbit caught in the headlight and that's not attractive at all

[cliche1]

Bacteria spreads because you left the seat up? She takes the train. The seats, the handle bars, the ticket dispenser -- all festering with all kinds of germs. Really?

 

"Yes honey, I left my toothbrush out. It's fine." "I forgot to put the lid down, sorry about that." Where's your balls? Panicking and lying over silly stuff. You lie because you fear her. What sort of relationship is that?

 

I have an uncle who's been married to a woman like her for several years. Poor guy always walking on eggshells. 4 months in and you're on your way.

 

Yeah, your right there. And that's the stupid part about it is when it comes to over things, lets say i left something in the way or something, i'm like oh yeah, forgot to move it, sorry about that, etc. With these two issues I completely froze, I know hygiene is a big thing for her, she has a rule that no one can sit on her bed with clothes worn outdoors. It really is just this one area and I have to correct it.

 

I mean if she did dump me, that would be very harsh, especially as I've already taken responsibility for lying, its the whole trust issue she has that has me on edge a little, we have done loads for and with each other and this is the first time I've upset her really in 3 months.But I think it will be ok, even though the convo was awkward this morning she said about when I next came by, also shes happy for me to pick up something of hers from a repair shop near where I live.

 

It's just....she was so cold to me.....when she said goodnight, she literally turned her back to me. And this morning, it was 40 minutes of small talk and awkwardness. she has not replied to my last whatsapp message yet, but she will soon.

[toscaroscura]

Regardless of her germaphobic tendencies, if she can't even talk to you about what upsets her like an adult, without all the coldness and silent treatment, then she doesn't sound worth the trouble.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Good relationships are those where you don't feel the need "fix" yourself and walk on eggshells. Why do you need to live up to her standards?? Healthy relationships do not thrive on meeting the expectations of your significant other. You are in for a long, bumpy ride if you continue this relationship and what you are dealing with now is just the beginning. Soon you'll be peeing sitting down.

[cliche1]

Good relationships are those where you don't feel the need "fix" yourself and walk on eggshells. Why do you need to live up to her standards?? Healthy relationships do not thrive on meeting the expectations of your significant other. You are in for a long, bumpy ride if you continue this relationship and what you are dealing with now is just the beginning. Soon you'll be peeing sitting down.

 

If we end up living together i'd have to, the two incidents are things I do not habitually do.

 

Its the fact I lied about them that is the problem, She's now going to be sceptical about me to say the least. I have apologised for lying, and vowed it wont happen again, but if she now doesn't trust me, I'm in trouble, right?

[Eaglestar83]

You are trying to appease her too much. Try to view yourself as the catch. If you are treating her nicely and you have your **** figured out (job, life, plan, etc) you have nothing to worry about. She should be trying to come your way or at least meet you halfway. You lied to her because you are scared, you are posting on this forum because you are scared and that's the real issue here in my opinion. Try to reflect on this and ask yourself why do you feel the need to lie and be scared? Maybe this isn't the right relationship for you

[OMC]

I dated one of these freaks. It will not get better. You did nothing wrong. She is making it about your little lies. BS... it is about her irrational fears of the world. There are billions of women in this world... she is only one, and can be replaced. Unless, you are a masochist and enjoy being a whipping post find someone else. And... tell her why you need to move on. Don't sugar coat it.

[Methodical]

I have to be a bit more pre-cautious where germs are concerned and refrain from needlessly exposing myself. As diligent as I am, her standards seem extreme, especially given that she works a public job and uses public transportation.

 

Food for thought...does she not use the bathroom all day? Many public restrooms have toilets without lids. How does she handle that, I wonder?

 

I understand you're focused on the lies you told, but as others have questioned/stated, if you felt you had to lie, there's more going on than meets the eye. Had you been honest and told her you had the runs, I suppose she would have thrown you out because there was the possibility that you had a bug.

 

You lied about the toothbrush, the toilet lid, and your constitution...

 

I'm all for being cautious, but she is over the top. The fact that you felt compelled to lie is concerning... Take time and evaluate why you are walking on eggshells.

[Zahara]

she has a rule that no one can sit on her bed with clothes worn outdoors. It really is just this one area and I have to correct it.

 

Ridicilous.

 

Correct it? Do you realize that while it may seem like something you can live with for now by correcting yourself, come months and if years, this will grate on you and drain you. I have to wonder if her behavior extends to other parts of the relationship. I have a hard time believing that she's this way in just this aspect. Maybe you don't see it now because people are always on their best behavior and you've only dated for 4 months. But I can see you walking around emasculated and constantly checking yourself if you keep up with this ridicilous mindset of needing to twist yourself into a pretzel over absolutely assinine issues.

Edited January 22, 2015 by Zahara

[Gaeta]

I must ask.

 

Does she have sex with a bottle of antiseptic next to her? This is a serious question. How is she in bed with that much fear of germs?

[Winterina]

I think everyone here missed a point. It was not toothbrush or toilet seat that bothered her. Someone's high standards can be a drain, yes, but in this case that is not the heart of the issue.

 

 

It is the fact that she had to sit there and listen to him go on about how he didn't use the toilet when in fact she knew he did. Like that kid on youtube that tried to convince his mum he was not the one that pooped in his pants. So she had to look at and listen to the guy with no balls and no decency to tell her something so trivial, and she had to wonder if he thinks she is an idiot or what. She was thinking - if he is able to look me in the eyes and tell me all this bulls..t when it is obvious what happened, and when it involves such insignificant thing, he would probably not have balls to tell me something more serious, something that I would not be able to know without him telling me. There trivial little things, which involve lying to someone's face, are indications or character. That is the problem.

 

 

I would not want to date a p.ssy and someone who is going to work an idiot out of me. Be afraid of me in such a tiny little thing. treat me like a mummy.

 

 

So man up and stop being afraid of your own girlfriend and to tell her the truth. If she does not trust you now about other things I would not blame her.

 

 

You already showed you have no balls to tell her the truth when it comes to the least of the things one can think of in a relationship. If you cannot tell her that what is it that you will be able to be honest about? Will you always have an excuse and treat her like a mummy? No mummy, I was just scared of telling you I left the toilet seat up and I panicked and lied. Geez.

 

 

Sorry for the harsh comment, but if she is as great as you say she is then she deserves some credit and not to be lied to and treated like an idiot. How can she love and respect someone who acts like a child and treats her like mum?

 

 

If she is germophobic, that is the problem, and she might want to think about how it affect the general happiness and feeling relaxed at home, and get help for it. Prompt her to do that. But that is a completely different issue from the one you are addressing.

I understand her. I am not even going to start on what it does to the feeling of intimacy, respect for someone, etc.

 

 

If you want to repair this, NEVER EVER again under any circumstances lie to her, bulls..t her, and tell her half-stories... Honesty is always the best policy and with it you can never go wrong.

[cliche1]

I must ask.

 

Does she have sex with a bottle of antiseptic next to her? This is a serious question. How is she in bed with that much fear of germs?

 

no, she doesnt. I havent heard back since that last message I sent.

 

I've got some thinking to do, but everything else in the relationship is great, we go out, have fun, watch laods of stuff together, go to events, shes really taken to my son as well, which was important to me and we all went out to a theme park at christmas. Its been amaxing, its just these things I do, hygeine related, that tick her off, the first time I made a mistake I didnt dispose of a floor cloth properly she said it was nasty and she was not happy and her reaction hurt, I think that is where this all stems from, and part of why I lied this time.

 

She does admit to being bossy. But I really like her, and I hope this just kind of blows over, I said my pieces, the first of which she initially appreciated before she explained her feelings further, and as I said to her I hope we can move onwards and upwards, but compromise needs to be made I think. But how can I even suggest we compromise on this?

[cliche1]

I think everyone here missed a point. It was not toothbrush or toilet seat that bothered her. Someone's high standards can be a drain, yes, but in this case that is not the heart of the issue.

 

 

It is the fact that she had to sit there and listen to him go on about how he didn't use the toilet when in fact she knew he did. Like that kid on youtube that tried to convince his mum he was not the one that pooped in his pants. So she had to look at and listen to the guy with no balls and no decency to tell her something so trivial, and she had to wonder if he thinks she is an idiot or what. She was thinking - if he is able to look me in the eyes and tell me all this bulls..t when it is obvious what happened, and when it involves such insignificant thing, he would probably not have balls to tell me something more serious, something that I would not be able to know without him telling me. There trivial little things, which involve lying to someone's face, are indications or character. That is the problem.

 

 

I would not want to date a p.ssy and someone who is going to work an idiot out of me. Be afraid of me in such a tiny little thing. treat me like a mummy.

 

 

So man up and stop being afraid of your own girlfriend and to tell her the truth. If she does not trust you now about other things I would not blame her.

 

 

You already showed you have no balls to tell her the truth when it comes to the least of the things one can think of in a relationship. If you cannot tell her that what is it that you will be able to be honest about? Will you always have an excuse and treat her like a mummy? No mummy, I was just scared of telling you I left the toilet seat up and I panicked and lied. Geez.

 

 

Sorry for the harsh comment, but if she is as great as you say she is then she deserves some credit and not to be lied to and treated like an idiot. How can she love and respect someone who acts like a child and treats her like mum?

 

 

If she is germophobic, that is the problem, and she might want to think about how it affect the general happiness and feeling relaxed at home, and get help for it. Prompt her to do that. But that is a completely different issue from the one you are addressing.

I understand her. I am not even going to start on what it does to the feeling of intimacy, respect for someone, etc.

 

 

If you want to repair this, NEVER EVER again under any circumstances lie to her, bulls..t her, and tell her half-stories... Honesty is always the best policy and with it you can never go wrong.

 

Well I have already admitted it was a mistake, and as such, I have already explained that in most other cases, in fact any other case I have been honest when I've done things she's not liked. So she knows I can be honest, but its this bloody hygiene issue when it rears its head. As I said I panicked, normally i'd have said yeah babe it was me, and I know I should have, and again I told her as such.

 

I'm already aware that the lies are the problem, and i've said sorry to her for lying, as that was the crux.

 

I just pray that she can still trust me, she said she would lose faith and respect in me if this continued, so maybe she has not lost it yet. AND I CAN EARN THAT TRUST ONWARDS.

 

Also for the record it was not the toilet seat, it was the toilet lid.

[Winterina]

no, she doesnt. I havent heard back since that last message I sent.

 

I've got some thinking to do, but everything else in the relationship is great, we go out, have fun, watch laods of stuff together, go to events, shes really taken to my son as well, which was important to me and we all went out to a theme park at christmas. Its been amaxing, its just these things I do, hygeine related, that tick her off, the first time I made a mistake I didnt dispose of a floor cloth properly she said it was nasty and she was not happy and her reaction hurt, I think that is where this all stems from, and part of why I lied this time.

 

She does admit to being bossy. But I really like her, and I hope this just kind of blows over, I said my pieces, the first of which she initially appreciated before she explained her feelings further, and as I said to her I hope we can move onwards and upwards, but compromise needs to be made I think. But how can I even suggest we compromise on this?

 

 

 

As I told you - you have to man up and voice your concerns and if something is a burden that is not normal like her standards then you have to suggest some compromise or therapy. My mum drove us all insane with her standards. I adopted her standards later in life but always compromised when living with someone because I did not want to get a person I live in feel like he cannot enjoy being at home and be alert all the time. If she is unable to do this, she needs help because it is not normal to screw up happiness at home for something like hygiene.

 

 

BUT AGAIN, that is another issue from the issue of honesty. No matter what she thinks, you should tell her the truth. You should not blame your lying on anyone else. Because she is like that I HAD to lie. Really? Adjusting your stories according to what she wants will kill everything nice in your relationship and you will lose her respect and love.

[Gaeta]

 

I just pray that she can still trust me, she said she would lose faith and respect in me if this continued, so maybe she has not lost it yet. AND I CAN EARN THAT TRUST ONWARDS.

 

Also for the record it was not the toilet seat, it was the toilet lid.

 

Something is wrong with you if you think losing trust over this is justified.

 

Maybe when you introduce your son to her and she is mean to him for leaving his shoes in the wrong spot or finger prints on the table, you will understand you are dating a controlling freak.

[cliche1]

As I told you - you have to man up and voice your concerns and if something is a burden that is not normal like her standards then you have to suggest some compromise or therapy. My mum drove us all insane with her standards. I adopted her standards later in life but always compromised when living with someone because I did not want to get a person I live in feel like he cannot enjoy being at home and be alert all the time. If she is unable to do this, she needs help because it is not normal to screw up happiness at home for something like hygiene.

 

 

BUT AGAIN, that is another issue from the issue of honesty. No matter what she thinks, you should tell her the truth. You should not blame your lying on anyone else. Because she is like that I HAD to lie. Really? Adjusting your stories according to what she wants will kill everything nice in your relationship and you will lose her respect and love.

 

I never blamed her for me lying, I just said her reaction last time out got tom me, I know the buck stops with me and only me, I just wish I could have done it differently last night, and just been straight up. But now I just hope I've not damaged the relationship.

[Winterina]

I just pray that she can still trust me, she said she would lose faith and respect in me if this continued, so maybe she has not lost it yet. AND I CAN EARN THAT TRUST ONWARDS.

 

 

I understand her in that respect.

If you got another shot, then the only thing to do is to be straight with her from now on and not afraid to voice your concerns about her unreasonable standards.

Believe it or not, she WILL respect you more, and will feel safer if you gave her sh.t about it. She will have to look at herself and see if it is worth frustrating the guy she is with. She will have to think if she has to address the problem with a professional.

If you just do anything she asks of you, you will end up losing yourself in her and she will not see your good character, your strong personality, just a guy that always follows her lead and is afraid of her. Not a turn on.

[Winterina]

I never blamed her for me lying, I just said her reaction last time out got tom me, I know the buck stops with me and only me, I just wish I could have done it differently last night, and just been straight up. But now I just hope I've not damaged the relationship.

 

Me too for your sake. You have damaged it but maybe not permanently and you can actually do some damage control over the time. First, don't ever lie again. Second, do stand up and talk for yourself to get some respect. Good luck.