Ruby Slippers Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I met a man through a business-related organization, and this evening he invited me to the second group get-together in the past couple of weeks. I got the impression from the first time I met him that he liked me. I would catch him giving me dreamy looks now and then during meetings When I spent an evening with him and a large group of his friends last weekend, I feel that he made his interest more clear. He became a little touchy and flirty later in the evening - granted, we'd all had a few drinks by then. And I absolutely loved his friends. They were all smart, funny, and sweet people. I had the best night I'd had in months, really! He seems like a wonderful guy - interesting career he loves, very intelligent, good-hearted, cool friends, travels internationally to do humanitarian work in his field, positive and engaged in quite a few interesting activities. The only thing giving me pause is that my physical attraction to him is mild. I feel drawn to him, and felt that way pretty immediately. I feel a really good, positive connection with him. We have a lot in common and can talk easily about anything. He seems to have a crush on me. But the mild physical attraction from my side makes me lean toward thinking we'd be best as friends - but as soon as I think that, I feel like it's hasty. So I don't feel ready to make that call yet. I've never really been in the situation before where I thought someone seemed like a really good prospect but the physical attraction was mild. But I read about it on this forum often, and am wondering what people who've been in this situation think about it? 1
Ebelskiver Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 When I first met my ex husband I was not attracted to him at all. After the first kiss I asked myself what the heck I was doing. But.....another date and he won me over with how awesome he was. The physical attraction came with the very act of being more physical. So much of sexual bonding is in the release of endorphins and hormones that come with the act. I'm not saying just go sleep with him. But kiss him, snuggle with him as you get to know him. What you may find is that the attraction develops on it's own with a little help. My ex and I had a great 5 year marriage. We ended up growing apart but I will never regret taking a chance on him. 8
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I think that for a woman it's very possible to develop an attraction in this situation. For a man, not so much. I would see what happens. 5
regine_phalange Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 What do you like about his appearance? And what you don't? (No judgemental tone, just women's talk really). In my case, there have been times where mild attraction lead no where and mild attraction grew exponentially. I knew this man who was lovely with a handsome face, but he had a very feminine body shape and I never became attracted to him. On the other hand I knew someone who had long hair which was thinning and when I first met him I thought "ew!". But after I got to know him he became more and more handsome, I suddenly "noticed" that he had a very handsome face and body. I still think he is very handsome (we never dated). 3
Emilia Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Agree with ES. If there is mild attraction already and you like him, it's possible that it will grow. I've experienced that a few times. 6
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I have found myself more attracted toward someone after a kiss. If you have a base attraction to work on, and it seems you have, then definitely explore it more. 3
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) I've never really been in the situation before where I thought someone seemed like a really good prospect but the physical attraction was mild. But I read about it on this forum often, and am wondering what people who've been in this situation think about it? Two things. The first is that certain people will never have anybody truly physically attracted to them in that off the bat sort of way. You knew I was going to say it, but yes that is me. Women have to either not care about looks that much with me or give me a window to sway them. I only say that to show that some people NEED to have the situation you are talking about to date someone. The second is that we are a product of our options. I don't really know a lot about your post history, but you seem to have a lot of dates and do very well with men since you have never been in this situation before. If that is the case, you will almost certainly not be satisfied with a lesser looking man. Pass. Edited January 22, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember 4
LoveRefreshed Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 We all end up old, grey hair, balding, and saggy. Good people with kind hearts and a great personality typically end up that way, especially if they have someone who loves them. Or bitter when they reach that age and are still alone. Plus, as a woman, face it, your looks will fade before a man's. Not always true, but.. yeah it is a good chance it happens. Keep picking based on looks and initial attraction and you may find yourself older with less options. I say give him a try. I dated a girl that was not very attractive to me at first, yet, I get physically turned on from just a hug from her now. I have dated more attractive women who can't do that. 3
Winterina Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Oh I would go for him. Chemistry can be very deceiving and in most cases it is. Chemistry can be created by getting emotionally close with someone. In my life I always went for guys that I felt chemistry with. It was a mistake. I realised this when I met a guy whom I did not find attractive, did not want to have anything with but friendship, but he was so kind to people and so good friend to me, he loved me, we exchanged so much personal information and hanged for long time together... and one day I looked at him and there was nothing more that I wanted but to have sex with him. And that is how it started. And the sex was good too. We broke up for completely different reason. 4
GoodOnPaper Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 He seems like a wonderful guy - interesting career he loves, very intelligent, good-hearted, cool friends, travels internationally to do humanitarian work in his field, positive and engaged in quite a few interesting activities. The only thing giving me pause is that my physical attraction to him is mild. I feel drawn to him, and felt that way pretty immediately. I feel a really good, positive connection with him. We have a lot in common and can talk easily about anything. He seems to have a crush on me. But the mild physical attraction from my side makes me lean toward thinking we'd be best as friends - but as soon as I think that, I feel like it's hasty. So I don't feel ready to make that call yet. I've never really been in the situation before where I thought someone seemed like a really good prospect but the physical attraction was mild. But I read about it on this forum often, and am wondering what people who've been in this situation think about it? You seem to be contradicting yourself. Is there something specific about him or your chemistry together that's squashing your physical attraction? The only time I was in this situation was with my wife and there was something specific. While I got over that years ago, the result was that I never felt a head-over-heels-infatuated "honeymoon" period and that still bothers me. The initial bonding phases can impact a relationship long-term. As another poster mentioned, you seem to do really well with men -- in your case, I don't see the need to try and fight through the mild physical attraction. 2
Winterina Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Better to try and regret than not try and regret (and wonder all your life what would have been...). 2
lovexocoach Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Sometimes it takes time for chemistry and attraction to grow. It's not always fireworks and butterflies in your stomach when you first meet someone. As long as you're not repulsed by him, he's nice, and he's good to you why not give it some time and see where it leads. 3
carhill Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 He seems like a wonderful guy - interesting career he loves, very intelligent, good-hearted, cool friends, travels internationally to do humanitarian work in his field, positive and engaged in quite a few interesting activities. In another generation and era he probably would have made a good husband, regardless of your initial gut response to him. Nowadays, all that stuff is superfluous, especially if your intrinsic style is to immediately 'like' a man in the sexual sense. I'd pass, at least for now, meaning don't date him to see if something will happen. I wouldn't say this if your intrinsic style was to slowly build attraction over time but that doesn't appear to be the case. Neither is right nor wrong, rather individual. If people match up, they do. If not, not. 3
losangelena Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 This was my experience with my current boyfriend. I would say that now, four months in, I look at him and find him very attractive. On our first few dates, not so much. Even the first time we made out, I found myself going through my mental rolodex of other guys I'd made out with instead of focusing on our experience together. There was never a moment where I went, A-HA, now I am attracted to him! Rather, it was a gradual process. So ... I'd say stick around. As others have said, it could grow, but it might not. There's no need to decide now. 1
ASG Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I met a man through a business-related organization, and this evening he invited me to the second group get-together in the past couple of weeks. I got the impression from the first time I met him that he liked me. I would catch him giving me dreamy looks now and then during meetings When I spent an evening with him and a large group of his friends last weekend, I feel that he made his interest more clear. He became a little touchy and flirty later in the evening - granted, we'd all had a few drinks by then. And I absolutely loved his friends. They were all smart, funny, and sweet people. I had the best night I'd had in months, really! He seems like a wonderful guy - interesting career he loves, very intelligent, good-hearted, cool friends, travels internationally to do humanitarian work in his field, positive and engaged in quite a few interesting activities. The only thing giving me pause is that my physical attraction to him is mild. I feel drawn to him, and felt that way pretty immediately. I feel a really good, positive connection with him. We have a lot in common and can talk easily about anything. He seems to have a crush on me. But the mild physical attraction from my side makes me lean toward thinking we'd be best as friends - but as soon as I think that, I feel like it's hasty. So I don't feel ready to make that call yet. I've never really been in the situation before where I thought someone seemed like a really good prospect but the physical attraction was mild. But I read about it on this forum often, and am wondering what people who've been in this situation think about it? It has happened to me a couple of times. With my ex that brought me to LS, I was not attracted to him at all! Like, it wasn't even mild. It was simply not there. But he was very confident and charming and I went out with him. Was still not exactly feeling it, but had fun, so we agreed to go out again. In between dates, he kissed me. It was a good kiss, but I was still not 100% convinced. 2nd date was ok. and my attraction level went up. 3rd date was also good and we ended up sleeping together. My attraction level was now through the roof! My current FWB, I had never thought about him in any sexual way at all. He wasn't particularly attractive to me. Then, on a drunken night, things happened and I can not get enough now! So go for it. Give it a go! Chances are the attraction will grow. And if it doesn't... well... at least you gave it a shot! 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 It's very common for women to develop feelings in these situations, once that "romantic connection" or perception is established and shifts them into that "other" gear, it just seems to glaze over their first impressions of the man and everything else. I think with a mild attraction, it might be good enough...after all he has the qualities that matter to you and that you find to be of great relationship potential, this is something I think a lot of women could turn into a possible future...assuming it even goes there at this point. However I'm not too sure from what I know about you, if YOU will be able to flick that switch in order to move forward...but if you do, like most women, you'd probably be fine and continue on into the swooning normal lovey dovey phase. I think you just need to actually make that choice, and after a certain point i don't think it's going to matter...usually doesn't for women. Men have a harder time shaking off that lack of physical attraction, although they can continue on..they usually continue on for different reasons, and then disconnect later. Which is something you might do as well, losing interest...at least based on what I gathered from your expectations...which to be honest, isn't a very detailed road map, more of an intuition. 1
preraph Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Don't get in too deep until you're around him enough to know if his attraction will grow as you get to know him. Just date and don't have sex. Once you've done that a handful of dates, I think you'll know if he's becoming less or more attractive to you. 1
Sunfire73 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) I have 2 experiences with this. One was that I wasn't that physically attracted to him but gave him 5 dates. He was a good relationship potential but my attraction didn't grow even after we kissed. I let him go. Then the other one is my now bf. It's not that i'm not attracted, but i found him too 'playerish' for me. So I was just not that sold. I gave him a chance to prove his interests, and my attraction grew from there. Now I am so attracted to him, and can't get my hands off him. So give him a chance and find out. It will either grow or not. Edited January 22, 2015 by Sunfire73 1
Holmes85 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I met a man through a business-related organization, and this evening he invited me to the second group get-together in the past couple of weeks. I got the impression from the first time I met him that he liked me. I would catch him giving me dreamy looks now and then during meetings When I spent an evening with him and a large group of his friends last weekend, I feel that he made his interest more clear. He became a little touchy and flirty later in the evening - granted, we'd all had a few drinks by then. And I absolutely loved his friends. They were all smart, funny, and sweet people. I had the best night I'd had in months, really! He seems like a wonderful guy - interesting career he loves, very intelligent, good-hearted, cool friends, travels internationally to do humanitarian work in his field, positive and engaged in quite a few interesting activities. The only thing giving me pause is that my physical attraction to him is mild. I feel drawn to him, and felt that way pretty immediately. I feel a really good, positive connection with him. We have a lot in common and can talk easily about anything. He seems to have a crush on me. But the mild physical attraction from my side makes me lean toward thinking we'd be best as friends - but as soon as I think that, I feel like it's hasty. So I don't feel ready to make that call yet. I've never really been in the situation before where I thought someone seemed like a really good prospect but the physical attraction was mild. But I read about it on this forum often, and am wondering what people who've been in this situation think about it? Ruby_Slippers, From your above post it is clear to me that place more value on "physical" attraction than anything else. Basically what you are saying is "He's perfect in every way...but...he's not that attractive....he's everything I want in a guy...but...the physical attraction ain't there". I personally think that you should leave this guy alone and stop with the mild flirting. I also think that this guy deserves someone who appreciates him for who he is and compliments his life and not someone who says "he's perfect ...but...we had an interesting conversation...but...he's career oriented..but.." I think you get the point. 1
preraph Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 ^ She barely knows him, so she can't be saying he's truly perfect in every way. She can simply see the potential. If you don't want to sleep with someone for whatever reason, it is a dealbreaker. What she finds attractive, you might find repugnant. I'm a bit that way. I feel shallow at times, but then I've fallen for a guy or two no one else was impressed with their looks. 1
Author Ruby Slippers Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 Lots of good responses here! I'm going to go out with him and his friends this weekend. Whether there's romantic potential or not, he's a fantastic guy and I want to get to know him! I don't want to pick apart his physical characteristics. I want to get to know him as a person. I've dated very good-looking men in the past because that's who approached me. I've tried both ways of starting a relationship - getting to know each other very well before we get romantically involved, and diving right in. I'm definitely in the mindset now to take my time and find a really good match. I've gone on dates with some sexy men in the past few months, but I'm being more selective, considering compatibility on all levels. I have a much better idea now of what I'm looking for, as we all do with more experience. My biggest concern is being sensitive to his feelings, and I was thinking what if he sees this thread?! Unlikely, but it makes me want to not tell too much. I do feel drawn to him. He intrigues me. I started considering him in a romantic way from the first meeting. I'll update after I see him this weekend. 7
candie13 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 sure, try to be gentle with him, but first and foremost, care about yourself. Give him a couple of dates and a couple of make out session. You'll know after that. btw, it's normal to fret and to not feel that wildly attracted... there's no proverbial push pull dynamic, he's a good guy. who knows what might happen if you stick around 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Ruby_Slippers, From your above post it is clear to me that place more value on "physical" attraction than anything else. Basically what you are saying is "He's perfect in every way...but...he's not that attractive....he's everything I want in a guy...but...the physical attraction ain't there". I personally think that you should leave this guy alone and stop with the mild flirting. I also think that this guy deserves someone who appreciates him for who he is and compliments his life and not someone who says "he's perfect ...but...we had an interesting conversation...but...he's career oriented..but.." I think you get the point. I don't really see how anyone else in this world is any different. Looks is the screening factor. I mean, I am very lenient on looks but that is probably because I have spent my whole life being rejected because of looks. If I was good looking, I don't think I would even think of compromising. The guy she is lukewarm on is probably lukewarm on some hideous woman who is cool too. It's all a round robin game. 2
todreaminblue Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 if you feel a pull maybe the attraction is on a deeper level...more a spiritual connection......I prefer that something you just dont know why attraction..rather than a purely physical one......physical attraction goes viral fro me after spending quite a but of time together...with my ex....... it wasnt a connection based on physical in fact i am not into muscle bound guys as i considered at the time they were shallow..his arms were the same circumference as arnolds swargnegger in his prime..if anything...he scared me...he was a bouncer....but after time together i began to see him differently,i saw kindness in him...a love of helping others....he was a good friend to me...and the way he moved effortlessly....and he had this massive triangular back that seem to ripple everytime he moved..his shoulders his lovely dark eyes drew me in.......so a physical attraction grew but it took quite a long time.....for me to develop that attraction once it did.....i noticed no one else....... i had to feel a connection other than physical to start a relationship with any guy....when i crush on a guy....its normally something else that attracts me in the first place.....a deeper connection i cant put my finger on...and i get to know them spend time with them..took me two years to know my ex ...and physical attraction does and can grow....i feel it is more long lasting.......deb 1
Recommended Posts