kolleamm Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I kind of regret every getting in a relationship with this chick. She's the kind where her whole world will be flipped upside down if you even mention breaking up. She'll go to any lengths and say anything to keep you there. Why can't some people just accept another's decision to leave? Why do they have to make such a big deal out of it?
todreaminblue Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 the person who fights for the relationship is just more invested...you handle it like any other relationship...a break up if needed should be handled the same way with a stable person as with an unstable person...with kindness...firmness....respect....courtesy.gentility...deb 6
aggie382 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 the person who fights for the relationship i sjust more invested...you handle it like any other relationship...a break up if needed should be handled the same way with a stable person as with an unstable person...with kindness...firmness....respect....courtesy..gentility...deb I like this. If the person is going to go to lengths to try and keep you together, you just have to be firm in your resolve to end it, and truly end it, not keep in contact or give them reason to think there's a chance. 3
Omei Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 You're lucky to have someone fight to stay with you. But if you're not happy just leave no need to stay in a relationship you don't like but be kind and yes stay NC so you dont give her false hopes for another chance. 2
Taramere Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) I kind of regret every getting in a relationship with this chick. She's the kind where her whole world will be flipped upside down if you even mention breaking up. She'll go to any lengths and say anything to keep you there. Why can't some people just accept another's decision to leave? Why do they have to make such a big deal out of it? I don't know how old you are, or how long you were involved with this girl for, but what I'm picturing from your post is somebody quite young talking about a very casual involvement with a girl that lasted for a few weeks. The kind of scenario that can't really be defined as much of a relationship. Certainly it doesn't sound like it was ever a mature relationship that should be taken seriously, given that you refer to her as "this chick" rather than "my girlfriend". However perhaps, for whatever reason, it felt meaningful to her. Perhaps she thought it was a proper relationship, and one she placed a lot of value on - which is something for you to consider in breaking things up. To watch that you don't completely devalue whatever took place between the two of you, even if in truth it doesn't carry much value for you. It's not unusual or abnormal for people to hurt when relationships they value end. Is that something you're genuinely unaware of? Talking about her "making a big deal out of it" makes you sound as though you might be pathologising human emotions and behaviour (eg distress when a relationship ends) that are actually quite normal. But again, I don't know the specifics of what you had going with this girl. Also, bear in mind that people aren't necessarily objective and fair in their assessment of the emotional/mental health of people they're involved with. Unless there are very evident issues at play (eg threats of self harm if you leave her etc) it might be a bit unwarranted to define her as unstable. Edited January 21, 2015 by Taramere 3
Author kolleamm Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 I don't know how old you are, or how long you were involved with this girl for, but what I'm picturing from your post is somebody quite young talking about a very casual involvement with a girl that lasted for a few weeks. The kind of scenario that can't really be defined as much of a relationship. Certainly it doesn't sound like it was ever a mature relationship that should be taken seriously, given that you refer to her as "this chick" rather than "my girlfriend". However perhaps, for whatever reason, it felt meaningful to her. Perhaps she thought it was a proper relationship, and one she placed a lot of value on - which is something for you to consider in breaking things up. To watch that you don't completely devalue whatever took place between the two of you, even if in truth it doesn't carry much value for you. It's not unusual or abnormal for people to hurt when relationships they value end. Is that something you're genuinely unaware of? Talking about her "making a big deal out of it" makes you sound as though you might be pathologising human emotions and behaviour (eg distress when a relationship ends) that are actually quite normal. But again, I don't know the specifics of what you had going with this girl. Also, bear in mind that people aren't necessarily objective and fair in their assessment of the emotional/mental health of people they're involved with. Unless there are very evident issues at play (eg threats of self harm if you leave her etc) it might be a bit unwarranted to define her as unstable. I'm 22 and she's 19. I see what your saying in that this might be completely normal behavior but sure doesn't make my life any easier. I guess there really is no easy way out besides hurting her feelings.
Author kolleamm Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 She says last time I tried breaking up with her she started shaking really badly, cried a lot, and even took a day off from work. I just wish she didn't get so invested.
todreaminblue Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 She says last time I tried breaking up with her she started shaking really badly, cried a lot, and even took a day off from work. I just wish she didn't get so invested. normally when people break up someone always gets hurt...shaking crying taking a day off from work sound pretty normal to me.....friends and family that she has will eb around to support her....if you arent into a relationship with someone the kindest thing fro you to do is to know they are going to be hurt .....and lessen that hurt by treating them with respect and kindness....but still...you have to be firm but gentle...that's the kindest way to let someone down....you cant go back once you have done that...you need to let go and let her move on and heal.....good luck....deb 2
Taramere Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I'm 22 and she's 19. I see what your saying in that this might be completely normal behavior but sure doesn't make my life any easier. I guess there really is no easy way out besides hurting her feelings. So you're both quite young. She obviously likes you a lot, in which case the relationship is a serious one for her - even if an objective observer wouldn't see it as a serious relationship. All you can really do is reassure her with the usual cliches. That there's nothing wrong with her, but you just don't see the two of you as being compatible. And just keep in mind that however you view what went on between the two of you, to her this relationship mattered - so try to avoid saying anything that might sound as though you're trivialising it (eg "it' not like it was a serious relationship"). Good luck! 1
preraph Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 You really just have to tell her you're moving on and that you know you will not be back so she should move on too. Stop worrying about her reaction and just go. The longer you linger, the more invested she'll become and the more empowered she'll be because her tactics worked on you.
Zahara Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 She says last time I tried breaking up with her she started shaking really badly, cried a lot, and even took a day off from work. I just wish she didn't get so invested. I think that's pretty normal when endings happen. What did you expect? 1
darkmoon Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 contact her family, you have enjoyed dating her but are not looking for anything serious tell them, warn them to get her to a doc, then block them
Dallers Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) She says last time I tried breaking up with her she started shaking really badly, cried a lot, and even took a day off from work. I just wish she didn't get so invested. Head games and drama and you are falling into her little web of lies, trapped you are. She is just saying what she knows will keep you on the scene. Most likely as her backup. But you are believing what she is telling you.. The more she acts like this the more you like her. You will tell yourself you don't, but you do. The girl that tells us that we really affect them are more attractive to us because it is what we want to hear. We secretly love the drama and the games because it is also accompanied by passion and excitement. It is like make up sex. The only way to get away is to realise that she is playing mind games with you. Half of what she says is not real and you believing it is real is the actual problem. Those that tell you to care about her feelings and treat her nicely are the same people who fall for the same games played by both men and women. Look past what is on the surface and realise that this is all a game. You are the toy. Learn to toughen your skin and walk away. Enjoy it for a while sure, but learn when you must cut the cord and not look back. She will remain with you, but it has ended. I am a master manipulator not because I enjoy it or actually use it, but I can manipulate people and so I understand how well others can play the same game and why you cannot allow yourself to fall into the same trap. I met my match once. Boy was that a messy situation. Edited January 22, 2015 by Dallers 2
Author kolleamm Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 Yup all mind games. She's just messing with my head to keep me locked in. Not sure if this is entirely related, but just the thought of belonging to someone makes me feel uncomfortable. I guess I've been so used to being single.
Ebelskiver Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 For Christ's sake! The girl is 19, she's a kid. She's not some master manipulator, carefully calculating every emotional reaction for the best potential to keep you her love slave. Please. She's 19, likely in one of her first relationships, experiencing these types of emotions for the first time. They are literally burning new neural pathways into her brain. Remember how intense first love is? Especially when it's unrequited love? She's acting emotional because she is driven by her emotions. Remember how it takes a while to really learn to control your emotions and learn to react purely out of kindness and logic? Decades! Do her a favor. Kind, direct, and final. "I care about you but I don't see this relationship as long term so I am ending it. I wish you the best. I think it's best if we don't talk for while. Goodbye." And then go No Contact. The rest is up to her. It would only be cruel in the long run to continue to talk to her or to continue to sleep with her...so avoid the temptation to do either. Block off FB, your phone, instagram etc. You don't need to know what's going on in her life and she doesn't need to know what's going on with yours. 9
Omei Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 For Christ's sake! The girl is 19, she's a kid. She's not some master manipulator, carefully calculating every emotional reaction for the best potential to keep you her love slave. Please. She's 19, likely in one of her first relationships, experiencing these types of emotions for the first time. They are literally burning new neural pathways into her brain. Remember how intense first love is? Especially when it's unrequited love? She's acting emotional because she is driven by her emotions. Remember how it takes a while to really learn to control your emotions and learn to react purely out of kindness and logic? Decades! Do her a favor. Kind, direct, and final. "I care about you but I don't see this relationship as long term so I am ending it. I wish you the best. I think it's best if we don't talk for while. Goodbye." And then go No Contact. The rest is up to her. It would only be cruel in the long run to continue to talk to her or to continue to sleep with her...so avoid the temptation to do either. Block off FB, your phone, instagram etc. You don't need to know what's going on in her life and she doesn't need to know what's going on with yours. A very keen and well thought out response take note OP, let her go staying around her because shes sad when you try to leave doesn't help her move forward it will just upset her more and make her more desperate to keep you.
Ieris Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I am a master manipulator not because I enjoy it or actually use it, but I can manipulate people and so I understand how well others can play the same game and why you cannot allow yourself to fall into the same trap. I met my match once. Boy was that a messy situation. Would love to hear that story
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I wasn't sure what to expect when I saw the title of this thread. Your initial complaint is that she's unstable, but then you make it a more general gripe about people getting attached. Your only evidence of her instability is that she was very, very sad over a breakup. I see what your saying in that this might be completely normal behavior For a nineteen-year-old girl? Yes, absolutely. but sure doesn't make my life any easier. So the biggest issue here is not that she's unstable but that her feelings are inconvenient to you. I don't think someone with this mindset should be dating anyone. 4
todreaminblue Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Yup all mind games. She's just messing with my head to keep me locked in. Not sure if this is entirely related, but just the thought of belonging to someone makes me feel uncomfortable. I guess I've been so used to being single. maybe ifyou look carefully at this response above you made.....you might just realize that you have issues yourself....deb 1
Dallers Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) For Christ's sake! The girl is 19, she's a kid. She's not some master manipulator, carefully calculating every emotional reaction for the best potential to keep you her love slave. Please. Sure a girl of 19 cannot possibly manipulate a guy.... Some people really need to wake up and smell the roses, whatever world you are living in does not exist. These days it is all about using for their own advantage and playing games to keep someone interested while they look for something better. It is human nature. I gave an insight into the mind of a LOT of people in this world who do just this and her actions are the same as numerous stories that I have seen which play out in the same way. OP, you choose. But the more attention and care you give her the more you are investing and the more she is empowered. Do not think for a second that she is as delicate as she makes out. Edited January 22, 2015 by Dallers
dragonfire13 Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 (edited) Listen, you need to end this properly (NC will help), so the girl can find someone who wants a relationship as much as she does. Your tone sounds like you've very much exited the relationship, so staying with her out of guilt is actually doing you both a big disservice. Put the poor girl out of her misery. Ending a relationship doesn't make you a bad person. Ending a relationship insensitively makes you a bad person, though I guess there really is no nice way to go about it. Be kind but be firm. Then leave the situation be and defo do no contact. She'll thank you for it in the end. Edited January 26, 2015 by dragonfire13
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