Having a crush on someone is NOT a crime

January 21, 2015

It is not a crime to have a crush on someone for the same reason it is NOT a crime to be racist. Why? Well the answer should be obvious. We can't regulate what people are thinking or feeling or what goes through their head. We can only regulate the behaviors that may or may not follow what is going on in their head. Quite frankly that's the way it should be anyway.

Not every racist person is going to discriminate against others of a certain color. To be fair there are racist people who understand that just because they feel a certain way about a certain group doesn't mean they have to act on it. In other words I know I don't have to like you in order to treat you the same in my actions and behaviors as I do anyone else. Some racists understand the importance of separating their personal feelings and do not let those feelings influence their behavior.

Just like not every guy who has a crush on a woman is going to become a stalker or harass her or even ask her out for a date or ask for her number or even talk to the woman he is crushing on. Yet some women may still feel uncomfortable being around a guy who has a crush on her even if he has not made any moves to ask her out and never flirts with her, etc.

If I knew a woman had a crush on me and I did not feel the same way it would not make me uncomfortable as long as she didn't act on those feelings. Whatever she is thinking in her head about me isn't any of my business.

Yet the general consensus on this board is paranoia. People are quick to assume the worst that if a guy is crushing on a woman then he is somehow going to turn into a stalker or sexually harass her. Nothing could be further from the truth.

That's like saying every racist person is going to act out their feelings and discriminate. The Civil Rights Act of 1964 did not eliminate racism on this planet. Not even by a long shot. All it did was change laws in regard to discriminatory behavior but the law has no power to regulate what people think.

It shouldn't make anyone feel uncomfortable if they found out their boss was racist. The boss doesn't have to like anyone. They just have to be professional in their treatment. As long as they separate their racist feelings when doing their job then its fine.

Edited January 21, 2015 by Darren2013

January 21, 2015

Darren crushing on asomeone and racism are two different entities....they dont correlate at all....

one is all about affection

the other is about a lack of affection and understanding for people of different backgrounds......

to be stalked to me isnt about crushing on someone.....its about control its about invasion of personal space and security.......its about not caring what that person wants.....its selfish .....

crushing on someone is often hidden but non invasive and if anything you treat the object of your affection carefully and thoughtfully and are aware of boundaries.....that is my opinion i guess because i have been stalked...and i can tell you the guy didnt like me much at all......he resented me...and he eventually made me aware of that.....not in a nice way.......deb

January 21, 2015

Uh, the general consensus about racism is that it's ugly and wrong meanwhile having crushes - even when not reciprocated - is perfectly fine and well so this...idk, comparison? analogy? is so off the wall I'm not even sure what to say

Nevertheless, most people would advise someone with a crush that's obviously going nowhere to try to detach for a number of reasons. There are many times when things get taken too far and the person harboring such feelings gets way out of line and engages in behaviors that certainly border on stalking. Which is precisely where the danger lies. But so far I have yet to see someone with a mere innocent crush get treated in the way that you claim.

Aside from the staking bit, obsessing over someone who you either refuse to talk to or has shown a marked lack of romantic interest in you is unhealthy from a personal standpoint. It serves no purpose and sees you putting time and energy into futile interests.

January 21, 2015

Kind of like if you're a racist towards a race that doesn't exist. Those gottamn Schmanks. They stink, they're lazy and they're eating up our tax dollars. I wish they'd go back to Schmankton.

January 21, 2015

You hear all types of stories about "crushes" that go bad....very bad....heck, when I was in HS there was a girl that so incessantly stalked me to the point where I began to think she was hiding in the bushes outside my house..

But seriously man...Just watch an episode of "Forensic Files"...After watching a few of those, its a wonder why women would ever even be alone with a strange guy..

Nothing wrong with interest...If it isnt reciprocated early, then go away and give her space..There is a fine and blurred line between keen interest and creepiness..and it can scare the bejeezus out of many women..

TFY

January 21, 2015

You hear all types of stories about "crushes" that go bad....very bad....heck, when I was in HS there was a girl that so incessantly stalked me to the point where I began to think she was hiding in the bushes outside my house..

But seriously man...Just watch an episode of "Forensic Files"...After watching a few of those, its a wonder why women would ever even be alone with a strange guy..

Moderately irrelevant but I really can't stop laughing at this reference. I've been watching Forensic Files since I was 11 years old man. I trust no one at this point. I've been taught a "crush" can go from zero to your-dismembered-corpse-being-scattered-up-and-down-I95 real quick.

January 21, 2015

The Ku Klux Klan concealed their identity with white sheets during lynchings the way I left that gooey note in Stephanie's locker without signing it.

January 22, 2015

It's not a crime to be racist, but I personally choose not to associate with racist people. It makes me uncomfortable.

In the same light, I also would choose not to associate with someone that has a crush on me. This is why I don't understand why some women remain close friends with men that want them (guys they aren't interested in). I would feel like the friendship was fake and they were thinking about what I look like naked. I know it's their own thoughts, but it would still make me uncomfortable. So I would avoid that person for my own comfort.

January 22, 2015

Why would a woman remain close friends with a guy that has a crush on her? Simple. She friend-zoned him and she is obviously getting something out of the friendship. The friendship is more to her benefit than his. He's the one that's getting used. He should be the one to cut off the friendship since it is more disadvantageous to him than to her. If she cuts off the friendship then she is actually doing him a favor whether that was her motive or not for ending the friendship. So while you may end a friendship with a guy that likes you because of discomfort you are actually giving him a blessing in disguise. So I agree that you are doing the right thing to not stay friends with him but not for the reasons you think.

Edited January 22, 2015 by Darren2013

January 22, 2015

...and its not a game of chess either. Just tell her. Lawdhammercy!

January 22, 2015

Individual racism doesn't bother me, it's the institutional type that matters

Edited January 22, 2015 by Revolver

January 22, 2015

It is how people behave in light of their racist feelings or crush feelings that should bother anyone. If it is just something they think and feel in their head then it shouldn't concern us.

If you are my boss there's no written code that says you have to like me. You can dislike me for whatever reason but you can only hire or fire based on my job performance alone. You may not like me personally but as long as you understand that has nothing to do with evaluating my professional performance then it is not an issue.

January 22, 2015

You don't get to pick and choose what bothers other people. That's for each individual to decide.

Some women would feel flattered that a guy was crushing on her. Others may be annoyed. Some may even feel disgusted. Just like you have a right to your "only in your head" crush thoughts, the woman has a right feel whatever she may feel in response to it.

People have a right to their own thoughts, on both sides of the equation. But they don't get to decide how others judge them for those thoughts.

I choose to avoid people that make me feel uncomfortable. So if I get the vibe that someone is racist, I won't associate with that person. If I get the vibe that a guy is attracted to me, I distance myself because I am married and have boundaries.

It's not that I would be punishing them for their thoughts. I wouldn't try to talk a person out of being racist, and I wouldn't scold a guy for crushing on a married woman. I would just make a choice to avoid them, and I have every right to do that.

January 22, 2015

Is it just me, or do some women out there take guys having crushes on them as sign of creepiness? There's a thin line between wanting to get to know you and not knowing to approach the situation, and actually following someone around and knowing a lot about the other person without her knowing.

I am going to be blunt and say that I am no stranger to being labelled a stalker in my day. However, those accusations were misunderstandings and I'll be damned if I find myself following someone home or making 100 calls a night.

Unless, of course, if the woman is attracted to the guy, which would be perceived as "cute" as opposed to "creepy."

January 22, 2015

Is it just me, or do some women out there take guys having crushes on them as sign of creepiness? There's a thin line between wanting to get to know you and not knowing to approach the situation, and actually following someone around and knowing a lot about the other person without her knowing.

I am going to be blunt and say that I am no stranger to being labelled a stalker in my day. However, those accusations were misunderstandings and I'll be damned if I find myself following someone home or making 100 calls a night.

Unless, of course, if the woman is attracted to the guy, which would be perceived as "cute" as opposed to "creepy."

I'm not sure how old you are, but I would bet that in your day you didn't think you were entitled to a date and/or sex with every girl you were nice to. Sadly, a lot of today's men who are in their 20's and younger have gotten this weirdo idea from somewhere that if they are "nice" and the woman still doesn't fall all over herself to sleep with him, the woman must be a *****

January 22, 2015

To simplify

You have the right to crush on a girl.

She has the right to feel uncomfortable about it and avoid you.

You have the right to think she's a snobby btch for avoiding you.

She has the right to not care that you think she's a btch.

Crushing isn't a crime. And a negative response to the crush isn't a punishment.

January 22, 2015

It is how people behave in light of their racist feelings or crush feelings that should bother anyone. If it is just something they think and feel in their head then it shouldn't concern us.

I'm having a lot of difficulty understanding exactly what point it is you're trying to make Darren. I mean....really.

Nevertheless, if you have a crush OR are, say, a flaming racist, the only time anyone would be aware of either of those things if if you made your thoughts known in some way either by word or deed. If these thoughts were merely things you only thought or felt in your head no would could possibly have a problem with them because unless they were psychic, they wouldn't be aware of them.

January 22, 2015

I agree, there's nothing wrong with a crush when it's in it's simple form.

I don't get crushes often, but I find them harmless. I never act on it or do anything about it or say anything, I just have a bit of fun in my head feeling attracted to the person or have fun interacting with the person.

Harmless fun.

January 22, 2015

I'm not sure how old you are, but I would bet that in your day you didn't think you were entitled to a date and/or sex with every girl you were nice to. Sadly, a lot of today's men who are in their 20's and younger have gotten this weirdo idea from somewhere that if they are "nice" and the woman still doesn't fall all over herself to sleep with him, the woman must be a *****

To simplify

You have the right to crush on a girl.

She has the right to feel uncomfortable about it and avoid you.

You have the right to think she's a snobby btch for avoiding you.

She has the right to not care that you think she's a btch.

Crushing isn't a crime. And a negative response to the crush isn't a punishment.

(Buzzing sound) Negative. That is not exactly what I meant. I won't argue with the points you two have made, but here is what I meant.

First off, I never felt entitled to anything. A girl has a choice whether to like me or not, that's all on her. The thing I wonder is that even certain small things can be falsely considered as creepy.

Staring, stalking, inappropriate touching, not taking no for an answer, coming off way too strong, yes, those are creepy qualities. One thing of note is that I may have given off the wrong clue to a woman even though most of what happened was not my intention. It has mostly to do with awkwardness.

What I actually meant was that even if a guy were to want to try to get a know and he tried his hardest not to come off too strong, some of the time the woman the will still get the wrong idea and accuse him of harassment. It seems like a guy can't even try to act on his feelings without being given the "creepy" label when something is far from the case.

It amazes me how romantic comedy movies can have the protagonist get away with doing such criminal actions because at some point, the object of his affection will find it in her heart to consider it "sweet" and "romantic," and it makes me roll my eyes and in reality, such actions would cause a restraining order.

By the way, Quiet Storm, I won't argue with your point like I mentioned before and I am not arguing with you. I am just trying to state what I think. I should give you some points for sharing a name with one of my favorite songs from Mobb Deep.

January 22, 2015

I feel you. I just think once a girl makes up her mind, and doesn't show any reciprocal interest, if you continue to flirt or try to be close with her, you are taking the risk that she may feel uncomfortable. Regardless of your intentions. And then she might label you creepy even if you are just a nice guy trying to get to know her. I know it seems unfair, but we can't decide how others choose to judge us. And some people will draw the wrong conclusions about us, it's just part of life. You just have to move on to the next one.

My name is actually inspired by a surf shop, which was my first job as a teenager. I like Mobb Deep though...east coast all the way.

January 23, 2015

I'm having a lot of difficulty understanding exactly what point it is you're trying to make Darren. I mean....really.

Nevertheless, if you have a crush OR are, say, a flaming racist, the only time anyone would be aware of either of those things if if you made your thoughts known in some way either by word or deed. If these thoughts were merely things you only thought or felt in your head no would could possibly have a problem with them because unless they were psychic, they wouldn't be aware of them.

Well if you don't understand my point by now then you really have a problem. I'm not even going to waste my breath just because you don't understand. It was never my intention to make sure you understand where I'm coming from and its not my problem that you don't

January 23, 2015

To simplify

You have the right to crush on a girl.

She has the right to feel uncomfortable about it and avoid you.

You have the right to think she's a snobby btch for avoiding you.

She has the right to not care that you think she's a btch.

Crushing isn't a crime. And a negative response to the crush isn't a punishment.

And it is also not a crime to refuse to act on my crush even if it proves to be reciprocated. I have every right to not make a move even if the woman feels the same way and behaves in a way that is encouraging me to make a move. But that's beside the point.

January 23, 2015

I'm confused. Has anyone actually posited that these things are illegal.....

January 24, 2015

And it is also not a crime to refuse to act on my crush even if it proves to be reciprocated. I have every right to not make a move even if the woman feels the same way and behaves in a way that is encouraging me to make a move. But that's beside the point.

I got your message loud and clear...you're "attracted and not interested".

I just wish I was smart enough to stick to ignoring certain people months ago instead of filling my head with delusional thinking. Lesson learned, next time I'm heeding my 6th sense. I knew he wasn't interested. But hopefully he's got whatever jitters/cold feet out of his system, is solid in his situation with her, and I won't have to worry about him even having interest to follow me online, in person, or with stupid glaring/staring or whatever.

January 24, 2015

I feel you. I just think once a girl makes up her mind, and doesn't show any reciprocal interest, if you continue to flirt or try to be close with her, you are taking the risk that she may feel uncomfortable. Regardless of your intentions. And then she might label you creepy even if you are just a nice guy trying to get to know her. I know it seems unfair, but we can't decide how others choose to judge us. And some people will draw the wrong conclusions about us, it's just part of life. You just have to move on to the next one.

My name is actually inspired by a surf shop, which was my first job as a teenager. I like Mobb Deep though...east coast all the way.

Exactly, when I first caught my ex-crush "glancing" I wasn't scared cuz trust me, I've been stalked and if what I'm seeing makes me nervous, I'd be nervous.

But when you catch someone glancing/staring (even for a bit), on the regular, you can't help but wonder "why"? And if you are into him, you're gonna wonder if you need to reciprocate, escalate, make a move.

But, according to the OP, his moves are so subtle that he doesn't see how he's bothering anyone, but like Quiet Storm said, the "perception" lies in the recipient - unfair, but true. If you look at sexual harassment cases, that's how it works...while you think what you do isn't offending anyone, it lies in the victim's perception of what you did...but, there's a catch here - which is the victim has to let you know what they find offensive about your behavior so you can have an opportunity to correct it, not sandbag you with a complaint and lawsuit.

I believe I've expressed my feelings long enough to my ex crush on this board and other boards, and while he believes what he did was harmless, he never flirted with me and/or led me on - FINE. Same way I have a right to my perceptions, he has a right to his. But, I believe he is nice enough to heed my pleadings and try to be less obvious in the glancing and all that...he is sweet (unless this is one of my delusions again). Eh, maybe it's me that needs to stop spying on him in hopes I can catch him glancing....Gosh, while I hate him for feeding his ego on my interest in him, I'm no better than him I guess

So, now that we understand that he has no interest in me, wants me to bugg off already and stop looking into everything he does as some delusional sign of interest, his wish is granted.

I am gonna continue to ignore and keep my distance....besides, I believe after this week, whatever crush he had for me is long gone...Sometimes we get distracted from our paths in life and I'm sure he's back on track - where he needs to be (with her and not me)

(PS, and soon I can return to LS and wherever just to be myself w/o worrying about anyone snooping on me - I'll have my privacy back )

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Having a crush on someone is NOT a crime

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