BigB Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 I have a friend that recently moved back into town, Her name is Megan. I always though she was attractive, but never thought much of it. (I probably think half my "girl"friends are attractive) I was also involved in a long relationship that ended badly and was not interested in dating again until recently. Last year for a few months before she moved away a group of us started meeting for dinner twice a week. She came along a lot, and I finally got to know her better. we have a lot in common, and she is a really great person. I realized during a group camping trip in September that I was thinking about her a lot, and that I probably had feelings for her. 3 days later she announced that she was moving away. I struggled with telling her of my feelings before she left, and chickened out/never found the right moment. I did make my feelings known to her best friend, and I did start calling her, so it's possible that she is/was aware of them, I'm not sure. (I probably need to give her best friend a call and try to find out?) She moved back a few weeks ago, I didn't know she was back until last week. (phone number mixup, she lost mine) we've spoken on the phone, but I haven't seen her in person yet. She did say that she tried to call me when she got here. She is the best friend of my buddy's GF, so we have lots of friends in common. She is close friends with several of my guy friends. We've gone to the same parties, BBQ's, group dinners, movies nights, etc. for several years. however, we've never been "close" friends, never hung out one-on-one, except for a few moments/conversations at group social gatherings. So, I'm not sure if I'm fully in the "friend zone" or not. She is much more physically "friendly" with a couple of my guy friends that she knows better (hugging, sitting on laps, etc.). She is not this way with me, she is very friendly towards me, we hug hello and goodby, lots of smiles and eye contact, but nothing more. I'm not sure how to interpret this, is she shy around my because she is attracted to me? or simply because she doesn't know me as well? She went on a few dates with one of my guy friends a couple years ago, and possibly has/had a crush on another friend (she has never made any feelings known to him, it just seemed apparent to many of us, he also has a GF) To my knowelge she is a virgin, and has never been in a relationship, she is very shy. (btw: we are both mid 20's) I'm also pretty inexperienced at asking girls out, I've been in 2 relationships, one as an adult, and have always been the one who was approached. So what would be the best way to proceed with this? I started by calling her and welcoming her home, said that I missed her, that I was glad she's back, etc. But I'm unsure on what to do next? Am I stuck in the "friend zone"? Do I start trying to hang out with her as friends for a week or 2, and then bring up the subject of a possible date? or make my feelings know right away? Just jump right in and ask her on a date? Maybe invite her to coffee, and then bring up the dating subject? Speak to the best friend and have her run a little recon for me? I'm probably over thinking the whole thing, but she's shy and I don't want to scare her off, it's also been 7 years and I'm a little gun shy. thanks, bigB
noname Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 no. you are not even in the friend zone yet. yes, you may be overthinking it a bit. it is an attraction but (no disrespect intended) she is just some girl you feel attracted to that has been out of your life for a year. you have nothing to lose. you weren't dating so there is no akward "how do we pick up from where we were?" and you guys are not so close that you should be scared to ruin any real friendship. in all actuality, she could move again tomorrow you would be no worse for wear. treat her as though you just met her a few weeks ago and you are attracted to her. you are best to tackle it now. hang out with her and your friends soon (before you get too much time to think) and just ask her to hang out with you alone. don't even drop it on her like a date. a good way to make women feel a little less threatened is to ask them out for something like coffee or lunch (in the day, less date-ish, and no alchohol). that way you can feel her out and see if if there is some spark before you pour your heart out. if she doesn't say yes, hey no loss, it was coffee, you didn't even ask her on a date, and you can go back to being friends of friends. besides, when you spend some time alone, you may find out that you are not that into her or that she is a psycho. don't worry about being gunshy. i kinda used to have the same problem. always had a hard time asking for dates. found out most of it was because i was overthinking and therefore scared of rejection. but i have learned that the best way is to be honest. some things work out, some don't. you have the perfect situation now because you like her, but it is a low stakes gamble. just get it out of the way and find out if she is attracted to you. quick too before she decides you are not interested and starts dating one of your friends... hope this helps... good luck... oh yeah. if that doesn't work out... assuming you both drink... you can always buy her a few drinks, get twisted yourself and ask her for a kiss. chances are you get it, if not then you can use the drunk excuse:-)
blind_otter Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 I have a huge massive crush on my friend. Just ASK HER OUT. She'll say yes or no, if she says no it may be awkward for a little bit but it will clear up eventually.
Author BigB Posted March 31, 2005 Author Posted March 31, 2005 Originally posted by noname no. you are not even in the friend zone yet. yes, you may be overthinking it a bit. it is an attraction but (no disrespect intended) she is just some girl you feel attracted to that has been out of your life for a year. you have nothing to lose. you weren't dating so there is no akward "how do we pick up from where we were?" and you guys are not so close that you should be scared to ruin any real friendship. in all actuality, she could move again tomorrow you would be no worse for wear. treat her as though you just met her a few weeks ago and you are attracted to her. you are best to tackle it now. hang out with her and your friends soon (before you get too much time to think) and just ask her to hang out with you alone. don't even drop it on her like a date. a good way to make women feel a little less threatened is to ask them out for something like coffee or lunch (in the day, less date-ish, and no alchohol). that way you can feel her out and see if if there is some spark before you pour your heart out. if she doesn't say yes, hey no loss, it was coffee, you didn't even ask her on a date, and you can go back to being friends of friends. besides, when you spend some time alone, you may find out that you are not that into her or that she is a psycho. don't worry about being gunshy. i kinda used to have the same problem. always had a hard time asking for dates. found out most of it was because i was overthinking and therefore scared of rejection. but i have learned that the best way is to be honest. some things work out, some don't. you have the perfect situation now because you like her, but it is a low stakes gamble. just get it out of the way and find out if she is attracted to you. quick too before she decides you are not interested and starts dating one of your friends... hope this helps... good luck... oh yeah. if that doesn't work out... assuming you both drink... you can always buy her a few drinks, get twisted yourself and ask her for a kiss. chances are you get it, if not then you can use the drunk excuse:-) cool, thanks for the advise. BTW: she hasn't been gone for a year, only 5 months. I kinda brushed it off and tried to stop thinking about her after she left, figuring she wouldn't be back anytime soon. When I heard she was back it all came rushing back to me. I think trying to get more friendly with her at first is probably my best bet, lunch, coffee, etc. She also workes with dogs, and loves my dog, so I though inviting her out to the beach with the dog might be good. Then once it's a little more comfortable, ask her on a real date. Your right that there isn't really anything to loose, but it still makes me nervous as hell. I guess I'm just afraid of rejection. Wondering if she is already aware of my feelings also makes me nervous. When I call her I'm always wondering if she knows. (my fault, because I told the best friend.) Do you guys think calling her best friend, and asking if she's aware of my feelings would be bad form? The best friend thinks to whole thing is sweet, so I don't think it would bother her. BigB
Author BigB Posted April 2, 2005 Author Posted April 2, 2005 so, I still haven't done it... man, I'm a big chicken when it comes to this stuff... I was waiting until I got a chance to see her in person before asking her to do something together, but that hasn't happened yet. I tried to call her cell phone tonight to chat, but she didn't answer. I'll try again tomorrow. I've been making a point not to call to often.. This would be the second call since I learned that she was home. I spoke with my buddy who is dating her best friend, he said that he doesn't think the best friend ever told her about my crush. Am I right in thinking that waiting until I see her in person, and then calling the next day to invite her somewhere is a good way to go? I was thinking this would make it more comfortable, but I also feel like letting to much time pass is a bad idea. Since I haven't seen her yet just calling and asking her out seem really forward, but I dunno, some girls like that don't they? I'm thinking that I'll invite her somewhere as friends, and then ask her "How would you feel about the two of us going on a real date sometime?" I'm just unsure about how and when to do it. edit: my grammer sucks...
Devildog Posted April 2, 2005 Posted April 2, 2005 Originally posted by BigB Since I haven't seen her yet just calling and asking her out seem really forward, but I dunno, some girls like that don't they? I just had this same situation recently. After my divorce being finalized. I had been thinking about an old spark I knew from when my XW and I had first started dating. I kept my distance to avoid potential problems developing and jeapordizing the relationship I was in. Anyway, this past week, I decided I can either call her or always wonder "what if?" So I made the phone call. She was surprised to hear from me but readily agreed to getting together for lunch next Wednesday. And now she is intrigued to find out what made me get in touch with her after several years. So bite the bullet, make the call. You won't get anywhere if you don't try or ask her.
Author BigB Posted April 2, 2005 Author Posted April 2, 2005 I should also add, a couple of my friends live right across the street from her new place. They mentioned last night that they have been meaning to invite her over for dinner, and suggested that they could invite us both over for dinner at the same time. Would this be a good way to arainge to see her? I saw a quote from Shawshank Redemption today that someone posted "get busy living, or get busy dyeing" for some reason this made me want to just bite the bullet and do it.
newby Posted April 2, 2005 Posted April 2, 2005 it sounds like you have the perfect situation for "just letting things happen naturally", i dont think you need to do an awful lot, let your friends invite you both for dinner, get drunk...... i wouldnt go asking her on a date just yet, you have waited 5months+ theres no rush
Author BigB Posted April 2, 2005 Author Posted April 2, 2005 Originally posted by newby it sounds like you have the perfect situation for "just letting things happen naturally", i dont think you need to do an awful lot, let your friends invite you both for dinner, get drunk...... i wouldnt go asking her on a date just yet, you have waited 5months+ theres no rush cool, thanks.. I'll try and see if I can set that up. Get a little drunk, try to flirt, offer to walk her home after.. Then call her the next day and invite her to do something.. If I want to be real sneaky I could get my friends girl to drop a few hints her way after dinner
moimeme Posted April 2, 2005 Posted April 2, 2005 Don't get drunk. Geeze. People act like morons when they're drunk.
Author BigB Posted April 3, 2005 Author Posted April 3, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Don't get drunk. Geeze. People act like morons when they're drunk. I wouldn't get drunk, although I have gotten drunk with this girl before. but a couple beers, or a couple glasses of wine does help me go from a nervous, quiet, dork. To funny, friendly, and talkative.
Author BigB Posted April 3, 2005 Author Posted April 3, 2005 so, I tried to call her again tonight, got the voice mail... I wish I had her home number.. stupid cell phones... I can never come up with anything good to say on voice mail, it always comes off way to casual and I never get a call back. I think that she thinks I'm just calling her because I bored at work. I do get bored sometimes and just call random friends, but not her... I need a job with normal hours.... *sigh*
noname Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 trust me... she knows. that is too good a morsel of gossip for her to be able to resist. women have a good way of acting nonchalant about things that are "discussable" and guys are too stupid sometimes to realise it. if you don't want to take the direct approach, Newby said it best... let it happen naturally. she may start to give you signs. you are right. some women like the direct approach. it shows strength, confidence, and conviction. all qualities they love and if you don't have'em... get 'em or fake 'em... but the sooner you get it over with, the less thought and stress you have to put into it... unless you are thinking this is really what you have been waiting for, it may not be worth it. my advice... do NOT get too many people involved! the more people that know about it, the more pressure there is on both of you. it always seems easy to get people to do your dirty work, but it has a way of backfiring. you have already put it out there, you have done enough. she may waiting for you to ask. oh yeah? what ever happened to flirting? is that a dead science? hang out, show her some attention. and you are right.. a few drinks do help, but be careful you don't get "frat-party" drunk...
Author BigB Posted April 9, 2005 Author Posted April 9, 2005 Originally posted by noname trust me... she knows. that is too good a morsel of gossip for her to be able to resist. women have a good way of acting nonchalant about things that are "discussable" and guys are too stupid sometimes to realise it. if you don't want to take the direct approach, Newby said it best... let it happen naturally. she may start to give you signs. you are right. some women like the direct approach. it shows strength, confidence, and conviction. all qualities they love and if you don't have'em... get 'em or fake 'em... but the sooner you get it over with, the less thought and stress you have to put into it... unless you are thinking this is really what you have been waiting for, it may not be worth it. my advice... do NOT get too many people involved! the more people that know about it, the more pressure there is on both of you. it always seems easy to get people to do your dirty work, but it has a way of backfiring. you have already put it out there, you have done enough. she may waiting for you to ask. oh yeah? what ever happened to flirting? is that a dead science? hang out, show her some attention. and you are right.. a few drinks do help, but be careful you don't get "frat-party" drunk... Thanks noname. I still haven't seen her. I'm just waiting until I "bump" into her with friends. I've called her a couple times, just as friends to say hello and such. I only got a hold of her once. I'm making a point not to call often and seem desperate to see her. I'm trying not to get people involved, seems to high school. Her best friend knows I like her, and so do a couple of our mutual friends, I'll just leave it at that. If they clue her into it, fine, if not, no big deal. I have tried to flirt with her a little in the past, nothing came of it at the time, but she was also leaving town. And I wasn't very direct with my flirting.. I'm shy so I'm probably hard to read. At this point I've decided not to stress about it, it's not that important and there are plenty of fish in the sea. I'll wait till I see her, flirt with her, and if I think there is something there (ie: she flirts back) I'll take a more direct approach at that time. I'm afraid that to direct an approach will scare her off, (ie: asking her out now, when I haven't seen her in 5 months) she's very shy and I just don't think it will work with her. I don't like all this waiting until I see her, but it's been 5 months, another week or 2 shouldn't be a big deal. In the meantime I met my sisters, boyfriends, roommate Monday night and was instantly attracted to her. I could tell in about 5 seconds that she felt the same attraction (she couldn't keep her eye's off me). I haven't noticed or felt something like that in a long time and it felt good. Maybe it took some of the focus off of the girl I like. My sister said she's bad news, and maybe nothing will come of it, but it was still nice.
Author BigB Posted April 11, 2005 Author Posted April 11, 2005 So, I'm sitting here thinking about calling her.. Should I? I don't plan on asking her out or anything at this time, I guess I just want to talk to her...
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