LivinDeadGrl Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Hi Everyone, I am new here posting but have been reading and looking for advice for a while. I finally decided to post to get your opinions... I have been with my fiance for 4 years. We do not have any children together but I do have a daughter from a previously relationship who my fiance gets along great with. Some back story - Our relationship has been up and down since the beginning, he was separated from his wife when I first met him and he saw her behind my back several times, including sleeping with her behind my back two years ago. We have broken up twice due to his inability to let his ex go, and the kicker was a year ago when I left him "for good". He finally cut off all contact with her and divorced her. We worked it out once again, and things have just been going downhill. I know I should have never taken him back, but I think it was just easy for me because I still loved him. I have helped him fix his horrible credit, helped him get new teeth, made his life better in so many ways in the last 4 years. I feel like I have been used almost. After a year our relationship has sunken into the pits of hell, we don't really get along and I find he treats strangers better than he treats me as of late. We don't agree on religion, his family takes advantage of him severely which he turns a blind eye to, he is constantly staring at other women in front of my daughter and I and when I comment on it he says it's not a big deal, that men are allowed to look and not touch and that all men do it. I find it disrespectful and even if all men do it, they don't do it so blatantly in front of their fiance and daughter. There are so many issues that I can't even name them all, and I know I am better off emotionally without him. I just am having a really hard time letting go, and I think he is too. We discussed breaking up and I said I would move into the spare room until our lease is up on the house and then go from there. I started looking for a bed for the room and he got mad at me, so what gives? I am hurt and confused, and I told him when he treats me like dirt it hurts. His reaction was "Aww muffin, did I hurt your feelings?" I need help moving to the next step because after everything I have done for this guy and everything I have put up with, he doesn't deserve me any longer...
Satu Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Set a date for your moving out, make the necessary preparations, and move out on that date. Don't do any bargaining or negotiating. Just do it.
Author LivinDeadGrl Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Set a date for your moving out, make the necessary preparations, and move out on that date. Don't do any bargaining or negotiating. Just do it. Financially I won't be able to move until April, and I refuse to ask him to help me. With a less than 1 percent vacancy rate in this town it's going to be hard to find a place. I have no family here and none of my friends are in a situation to help me. I feel trapped.
GoBlue Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 There are so many issues that I can't even name them all, and I know I am better off emotionally without him. I just am having a really hard time letting go, and I think he is too. We discussed breaking up and I said I would move into the spare room until our lease is up on the house and then go from there. I started looking for a bed for the room and he got mad at me, so what gives? I am hurt and confused, and I told him when he treats me like dirt it hurts. His reaction was "Aww muffin, did I hurt your feelings?" I could have chosen three different places to quote you that reveals that you already know what to do. Red Flags in a relationship are like banners waving in the wind trying to warn you that trouble is waiting if you continue on this road. Cohabitation is never a good option when it comes to preparing for marriage. Statistics show over-and-over again that couples who live together before the wedding day have higher rates of divorce, lower levels of marital satisfaction, and higher instances of domestic abuse. The truth is that you already know the answer - do what is best for you and your daughter. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 1
Author LivinDeadGrl Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 My fiance, well, I guess now ex, have decided we are no longer "together" but we are still living under the same roof, sleeping in the same bed, and still doing the dirty. Today I told him I was going to start sleeping in the spare room, as I feel that continuing to sleep together is just going to hinder the "letting go" process. His response "No you're not". He says I am more than an FWB to him, he still loves me. I still love him too, but this break up is mutual. We can't stand each others "quirks" any more I guess. His work is slowing down and he keeps saying he wants to sleep on my couch to save money. Deep down I feel like he just wants to use me as a back up, and gallivant with whoever he wants without having to answer for it. I will in no way be a back up, but I don't know how to get this into his head. He will be staying in the house until end of March.
Zahara Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 What a lucky guy! He ends the relationship, but still gets to enjoy all the goodies! Sweet deal! Of course he will tell you that you are more than a FWB. You're not in a relationship but he still does the dirty with you. What does that spell? FWB? You need him to clarify it for you? And why can't you make decisions for yourself? Yes, he's using you for a place to stay, money to save and sex. Once he has money saved, a new place to stay, he'll move out and still use you for sex while he seeks other options. You don't need to persuade anyone. You say this is what you want to do and do it. Why so weak and mousey? Boundaries are your friend.
Author LivinDeadGrl Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 What a lucky guy! He ends the relationship, but still gets to enjoy all the goodies! Sweet deal! Of course he will tell you that you are more than a FWB. You're not in a relationship but he still does the dirty with you. What does that spell? FWB? You need him to clarify it for you? And why can't you make decisions for yourself? Yes, he's using you for a place to stay, money to save and sex. Once he has money saved, a new place to stay, he'll move out and still use you for sex while he seeks other options. You don't need to persuade anyone. You say this is what you want to do and do it. Why so weak and mousey? Boundaries are your friend. I totally agree with everything you said. I don't know why I'm so weak over all of this. I wanted it to end just as much. No, he doesn't need to make the decisions for me. I just have a hard time being a complete b*tch, when the break up is mutual.
Zahara Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I totally agree with everything you said. I don't know why I'm so weak over all of this. I wanted it to end just as much. No, he doesn't need to make the decisions for me. I just have a hard time being a complete b*tch, when the break up is mutual. There's a difference between being a bitch versus being a woman with self-respect and dignity. One who is assertive and has healthy boundaries. The opposite of being weak is not being a bitch. If you can't kick him out for lease reasons, then sleep in separate bedrooms and keep to boundaries. If the break-up is mutual, then the terms following the break-up should be mutual as well, in that you get to set your rules until he moves out. None of this one sided BS where he gets what he wants while you're pondering if you're being used. That's not a mutual break up because it seems you are still emotionally affected. 1
quattrob Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 As they say you need to start respecting yourself if you want others to respect you. Tc please learn to do that
mightycpa Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I've gotta say, that's a lot of hospitality you're putting out there. It's too bad he can't afford to live on his own... or is that you? I have to wonder if he's paying rent, utilities, etc, and whether or not it might be wiser to give him a few hundred bucks to get him out the door. What's the plan, anyway? You're not going to marry, but you'll still date? Exclusively? Other people too? It's over? It's undecided? What happens if he brings home a new girl, or you a new guy? So many things left to the imagination. It can't be easy.
Zahara Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/512071-how-did-you-let-go He was cheating on you. You say he treats strangers better than he does you. You have a daughter. If a man treated her this way, what would you tell her? You'd tell her to keep appeasing and sleeping with him? Or would you tell her that she deserves better? You need to have more respect and love for yourself. He treats you poorly because you taught him that you have no boundaries and self-respect.
Author LivinDeadGrl Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 You're all right. I definitely have lost a lot of self esteem being in this relationship. He posted on Facebook that he booked his new tattoo. I texted him and asked why he needed to stay on my couch to save money if he could afford a new tattoo. That he obviously didn't need my help if he can afford those things. It blew up into a big fight, he said "I can't beleive you're kicking me out because I'm getting a new tattoo" which isn't what I said at all, and he then told me to "Get the F out of his life" and proceeded to delete me off of Facebook. Once I noticed this I blocked him. I am hurting over it. I guess because I feel he was just looking for an excuse to delete me as it was. He is away for work and won't be back until the 5th. I told him if he wanted me gone that I was GONE. Have not spoken to him since. Guess I would call this day 1 NC. Unfortunately we have financial things we will eventually have to discuss. Should I pack up his belongings or let him do it?
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