Dybbuk Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I'm going to assume that OP hasn't discussed exclusivity with either of these ladies, but is probably getting to the point where he feels he is ready to be exclusive with one and needs to make a choice. Am I correct on this OP? OP, I've been in your shoes. In my humble opinion, unless a guy and I have the "talk" about being exclusive I assume he's keeping his options open, and seeing other women while I do the same and see other men. So I don't personally consider it two-timing just a different style of dating. When I dated multiple guys, I didn't feel the need to tell them all about each other either because whether or not I decided to keep dating them was decided on their own merits and how I felt about them. People may consider this sleazy or underhanded but personally I found it easier to keep options open especially if a guy decided to vanish, I wouldn't have wasted weeks of my time on someone who didn't amount to anything. Regardless, you are at a crossroads where it has to be one or the other. Obviously #1 is the best choice. If it took 7 mos. for #2 to warm up to the idea of being with you, she's not a good bet. Always remember that there is another option to choose neither. I say this because often times people want something to happen with someone, they basically choose the person that won by 'default' because the other person was really incompatible. Choose #1 because you really like her and think something legitimate could be formed with her, talk to her and see if she feels that way too. Regardless of the outcome with #1 I'd let #2 go. If #1 doesn't pan out either, start fresh with someone new. 1
evanescentworld Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Maybe I'm naive, but if a guy dates me, I'm assuming he's dating me. I guess it's implicit. People shouldn't need to be told that something is exclusive. In my book, that should be a given.... I really don't appreciate being messed around, because as far as I'm concerned, if a guy 'happens to not mention it', I call that dishonesty. I can make a more level decision for myself, if he tells me "I'm multi-dating, and this is casual...." Then I can decide for myself whether I want to play into that. But if he doesn't confide in me, then I call that lying to suit himself. And that's disrespecting me. 3
mysteryscape Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Maybe I'm naive, but if a guy dates me, I'm assuming he's dating me. I guess it's implicit. People shouldn't need to be told that something is exclusive. In my book, that should be a given.... OK, that makes it clear what you're talking about. I grew up (a long time ago) thinking like you, that dating is implicitly dating one person, as you say. Now with online dating especially, "multi dating" has become common and some people would say it's the "new rule." It leads to endless disputes on websites like this about what is proper behavior (to say nothing of confusion and rancor in actual dating). I can add that back in the old days, there was also something called "playing the field" or more quaintly "dating as friends." Where you'd "date" several people, all of it "casually." And "casual" not meaning hookups, fwb, or anything like that. (This was when premarital sex was considered a no-no, though it happened plenty, and more and more as time went on, until it became the norm). So there was much less sex or no sex involved, so it was a lot harder to get feel that you were being "cheated" on if your partner was "dating" several people. This kind of dating was considered not at all serious, and then there was "serious" dating where the couple was "going steady" what we now call "being exclusive." I suppose there always was confusion about what the rules were, except that the general idea was that anything that involved real romance or anything sexual (including kissing only) was considered to be proper only in a situation of "exclusive" dating. Now of course the rules on sex have completely loosened to the point of being non-existent, leading to the present confusion and misery. At least that is how it seems to me. Personally, I think it's a good idea to talk honestly about each other's expectations very soon in a relationship, so that each person knows what the other's expectations are about what is going on. 1
lovexocoach Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I assume you're not exclusive with either woman and that they know you're dating other women. Which one are you most compatible with and have the most chemistry with? Which one do you see a future with? 1
Lion Heart Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 NEITHER ONE! IMO you won't ask ANYONE for their opinion when you do meet her. And no one's opinion will make a fig of difference anyway! Cut them both loose. They don't need to be strung along as much as you don't need to "settle" from a choice of TWO! IMO Be brave. Know she's out there looking for you too! Lion Heart. 1
preraph Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 I think you have to be clear to both you're not exclusive. I don't think, especially in light of so much OLD, that it's reasonable to assume you're exclusive if you're going out with someone. It becomes a quagmire for women, though, because bringing up the subject can scare men off, so it's best talked about either right up front early on (your general practice, like, I only date one woman at a time OR I date more than one woman at a time sometimes to get to know them before becoming exclusive. As long as they know you're not exclusive, either is free to jump ship. But if they both think they are, then yes, you'll have to decide. As your #2 has proven, if you do it carefully enough, you might be able to swing back around if you decide #1 isn't the one after all. 1
BeholdtheMan Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Sounds like you're Girl Two's Plan B. No guy wants to be Plan B 1
EgoJoe Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Explain that you're not exclusive with either and keep dating /banging both. When you find the girl you want to be exclusive with the question will answer itself. They are older. They're shopping for a guy then can "run" just stick it and kick it for now. 1
Author dej287 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 I'm going to assume that OP hasn't discussed exclusivity with either of these ladies, but is probably getting to the point where he feels he is ready to be exclusive with one and needs to make a choice. Am I correct on this OP? OP, I've been in your shoes. In my humble opinion, unless a guy and I have the "talk" about being exclusive I assume he's keeping his options open, and seeing other women while I do the same and see other men. So I don't personally consider it two-timing just a different style of dating. When I dated multiple guys, I didn't feel the need to tell them all about each other either because whether or not I decided to keep dating them was decided on their own merits and how I felt about them. People may consider this sleazy or underhanded but personally I found it easier to keep options open especially if a guy decided to vanish, I wouldn't have wasted weeks of my time on someone who didn't amount to anything. Regardless, you are at a crossroads where it has to be one or the other. Obviously #1 is the best choice. If it took 7 mos. for #2 to warm up to the idea of being with you, she's not a good bet. Always remember that there is another option to choose neither. I say this because often times people want something to happen with someone, they basically choose the person that won by 'default' because the other person was really incompatible. Choose #1 because you really like her and think something legitimate could be formed with her, talk to her and see if she feels that way too. Regardless of the outcome with #1 I'd let #2 go. If #1 doesn't pan out either, start fresh with someone new. This right here was perfectly said. I am not keeping my options open with the intention of two-timing. I don't want to feel like I wasted my time and I have a chance on both. If neither of them work out well then that third option is always there. I never discussed being exclusive to any of these ladies. I feel where it's at a point where "I" believe I want to start being exclusive so I want to let my options go and stay with one. This is not two-timing and don't believe I'm in the wrong for what I'm doing. dybbuk was spot on! Thanks for the help!
Author dej287 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 I assume you're not exclusive with either woman and that they know you're dating other women. Which one are you most compatible with and have the most chemistry with? Which one do you see a future with? I am mostly compatible with the first girl. She seems to have a great heart and care as much as I do when it comes to other ppl in her life. I really enjoy talking to her with or without the expectation of being with her in the future... Thanks!
Author dej287 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 OK, that makes it clear what you're talking about. I grew up (a long time ago) thinking like you, that dating is implicitly dating one person, as you say. Now with online dating especially, "multi dating" has become common and some people would say it's the "new rule." It leads to endless disputes on websites like this about what is proper behavior (to say nothing of confusion and rancor in actual dating). I can add that back in the old days, there was also something called "playing the field" or more quaintly "dating as friends." Where you'd "date" several people, all of it "casually." And "casual" not meaning hookups, fwb, or anything like that. (This was when premarital sex was considered a no-no, though it happened plenty, and more and more as time went on, until it became the norm). So there was much less sex or no sex involved, so it was a lot harder to get feel that you were being "cheated" on if your partner was "dating" several people. This kind of dating was considered not at all serious, and then there was "serious" dating where the couple was "going steady" what we now call "being exclusive." I suppose there always was confusion about what the rules were, except that the general idea was that anything that involved real romance or anything sexual (including kissing only) was considered to be proper only in a situation of "exclusive" dating. Now of course the rules on sex have completely loosened to the point of being non-existent, leading to the present confusion and misery. At least that is how it seems to me. Personally, I think it's a good idea to talk honestly about each other's expectations very soon in a relationship, so that each person knows what the other's expectations are about what is going on. This is a great point Thanks!
Author dej287 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 Explain that you're not exclusive with either and keep dating /banging both. When you find the girl you want to be exclusive with the question will answer itself. They are older. They're shopping for a guy then can "run" just stick it and kick it for now. Exactly! This is my thought on it
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