thecrucible Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 A letter from the heart When you take your time to get to know someone for more than that initial chemistry, you get to learn something... I have been getting to know a guy recently and we have good mutual chemistry, and some sparks were flying between us. There was a definite mutual physical attraction. Now as a quick aside, like other posters have said, I myself enjoy feeling the sparks at the beginning. I know there has to be something there otherwise it's unlikely to grow with me. I have just tried in vain to grow chemistry with guys before. These were guys I enjoyed spending time with but there was something that stopped me from falling deeply in love with them over the long term, and I didn't feel enough physical attraction. But those relationships would have run their course sooner had I not pushed so hard or tried to squeeze myself into a different mould than the person I really am, or invent chemistry that wasn't there. Now back to that guy. Despite feeling initial physical attraction with him, I'm now having my gut telling me that it's not going to go much further than that. Our conversation otherwise is a bit stilted and it doesn't feel like we have too much to talk about. Now I'm really glad I didn't act on my strong initial urges to get into bed with him. I think this might have fizzled. I haven't done anything else with him (beyond kissing) or tried to impress him too much. I have only been acting like myself and sharing myself in the way that I do. So I've learnt something. I've learnt that the feeling I get with some guys that I want to jump their bones straight away isn't necessarily a reliable indicator of chemistry. If chemistry can be strong, then seem to fade so rapidly, it makes me think that I can give some guys more of a chance and take the risk of building chemistry over a longer time period if I don't feel an initial spark - I won't force it or change myself but I will actually make an effort to try and stimulate it rather than run away scared simply because I don't feel instant attraction. I will give more of myself. Now I still love sex so I'm not going to drop my standards entirely and go for anyone I don't feel any physical attraction for either. There is a balance to be struck. I think I know what I need emotionally (intense conversation) and in terms of shared interests (maybe we share one or two that most strongly match my heart and soul) to get me to fall in love with a guy. I still need physical attraction too. However from now on, I'm going to try and find my soul mate first and the physical chemistry second. I'm going to think to myself 'is this guy really speaking to my soul?' before we rip each other's clothes off. I thought I would feel disappointed that things seem to have fizzled with this guy. But I actually feel a sense of inner calm, confidence and serenity. It's all because I didn't try and squeeze a square peg into a round hole this time. I didn't try to mould myself to convince him (or myself) that we have more in common with each other than we actually do. I didn't hang by the phone waiting for him to get back to me. I didn't hanker over the perfect flirtatious text to send him. I didn't have sex with him because I was scared of losing him or because of thinking it would magically make us closer. I can accept the situation for what it is. Now a thought for you all If anyone here ever wonders, just know that you 'are enough' perfectly as you are to fall in love and meet your match. If you're trying to make yourself into the perfect person or create the perfect romantic situation with someone just STOP and let it unfold naturally and see where it goes. And if you ever get stuck chasing the wrong person because of lust just STOP and consider what chemistry means to you. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with because you're afraid of losing someone's interest. You gain way more from being genuine and sharing who you really are than playing games to create attraction. It is not a race and you do not want a 'flash in the pan' relationship if love is what you are seeking. Just think of all the time everyone wastes and all the effort we put into people who aren't worth it, and how we clutch at straws to get someone to like us. We cling to any piece of potential because we don't want to let go of that hot stuff in front of us. Meanwhile, there's someone out there who really likes us and could be right for us but doesn't represent that scarcity factor or instant attraction. Yet we don't put any effort into that person to see if we can run with it. I'm not saying I'm going to give up on finding someone I feel physically attracted to. I'm just going to actually be kind to myself and others, give myself and others a chance; give my time and good grace more generously to guys who I might not feel an instant pull towards rather than closing myself off. I'm going to date any guy who has potential and who I find 'attractive enough'. Besides, he may not find me instantly attractive. Sorry I typed a lot but I had to get this new radical thought off my chest
Leigh 87 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I have learnt too, that instant fireworks aren't a good indicator or anything besides just that: instant fire works and great sex initially. Until you may not have much to talk about and it gets stale fast... I still want to hold out for instant attraction, however, I want to find the "soul mate" part too - but I am still going to try it with the instant fire works guys. But I am not going to get into bed with them until I know there is more substance. This takes time. At least a month, preferably more of once or wice per week dates. It is a good post you made. I have a few guys who are REALLY wonderful people. I find them fine to look at and they adore me. I just don't want to settle for less than an instant spark. I am not exited about those guys, they just aren't the ones that make me light up when they text.. I don't get he butterflies. I am not dying to make out with them. It depends how badly you want a relationship! I am fine to be alone and focus on my college and weekend job and travel plans I will make. I am happy to wait for the instant attraction and then combine it with a great long term match! I am 28 and seem to come across instant attraction plenty enough for me to realistically hold out for it. My friend, on the other hand, seldom EVER feels instant chemistry, so it isn't feasible for her to wait out for it. She isn't crazy about her boyfriend yet but he is so funny and he just adores her and he would go to the end of the earth for her (Literally, he lives on the other side of the world but is adamant he will wait for her and he is going to move to our country in order to be with her). Chemistry is NOT a reliable indicator simply because it is instant. Fantastic point. Whatever you choose to do, keep up the good work on not trying to force things. I don't. If someone isn't meshing well enough with me I let it end. No use fighting for the wrong person simple in the name of " instant fire works" you may have shared. Good luck and don't dispel the idea of instant chemistry guys, there may just be a few who are also an ideal mate for you! Or, you could give "those guys" a chance.. the guys who are really into you but who you didn't care to see flash on your phone. Either way -true compatibility can come in many forms - some couples had sparks from the get go. Others didn't.
Author thecrucible Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 I have learnt too, that instant fireworks aren't a good indicator or anything besides just that: instant fire works and great sex initially. Until you may not have much to talk about and it gets stale fast... Exactly. And most of the guys I meet have been like that. It was like that with this guy I mentioned (strong sexual chemistry but I really don't know what we have in common). Then with another guy at the moment, I don't feel a physical attraction but there's something to talk about, although not to the level I want. With my most serious boyfriend, the feeling of instant attraction wasn't that strong but we could talk for hours. We even spoke for 6 hours straight once so there was definitely a true connection of minds. Unfortunately the relationship never went the distance because I lost attraction for him. I still want to hold out for instant attraction, however, I want to find the "soul mate" part too - but I am still going to try it with the instant fire works guys. But I am not going to get into bed with them until I know there is more substance. This takes time. At least a month, preferably more of once or wice per week dates. I like your idea. I definitely need to give things longer to see if the attraction is really there or if it's just a fleeting thing, and to make sure there's something to talk about. I see what you're saying about trying it with the fireworks guy...I really need to do that... But I don't need to do that with bad news guy who I may feel some chemistry but I have given them too many chances. Meanwhile, I've been known to dismiss guys who don't show up massive red flags (but I'm unsure of the chemistry) too soon. I am not exited about those guys, they just aren't the ones that make me light up when they text.. I don't get he butterflies. I am not dying to make out with them. I don't think I have to be dying to make out with him but I have to feel that I do want to kiss him. Ahhh the latest fireworks guy - we haven't talked much and we only see each other on nights out. The texting between us sucks so I'm going to give up on that...but ahh when I bumped into him yesterday, I felt like a blushing schoolgirl...I was literally trying to avoid his gaze 'cause I didn't want him to notice he has that affect on me. He probably thought I was rude lol With the other guy, I just stopped seeing him because when we kissed it felt like kissing a friend. I remembered other guys when I was kissing him; guys that stimulated some attraction in me. My friend, on the other hand, seldom EVER feels instant chemistry, so it isn't feasible for her to wait out for it. She isn't crazy about her boyfriend yet but he is so funny and he just adores her and he would go to the end of the earth for her (Literally, he lives on the other side of the world but is adamant he will wait for her and he is going to move to our country in order to be with her). That sounds so sweet! I would say I'm a little bit like you in that I need to know in my mind that chemistry is there otherwise I know I will look at other guys and when I'm with a guy, I want him to be confident that no other guy is on the radar for me at all. I know how my mind works and I know that I'm a passionate person so I need enough to cut it for me. Chemistry is NOT a reliable indicator simply because it is instant. Fantastic point. Thanks. I was trying to convey with my post that I've realised there's a difference between pure physical attraction and the chemistry which happens on both a physical and emotional level. I'm also more prepared to give time for chemistry to show up. Whatever you choose to do, keep up the good work on not trying to force things. I don't. If someone isn't meshing well enough with me I let it end. That's how I felt about the most recent guy. I wasn't being as open with him though and it was probably because I wasn't sure. But I didn't want to do anything which didn't feel natural. Then I realised that chemistry might never show up at all for me so had to end it. But I'm just glad I didn't allow him to fall for me when my gut instinct was telling me something. No use fighting for the wrong person simple in the name of " instant fire works" you may have shared. I've had instant sparks with some guys it hasn't lasted with and I think I held on for too long because the instant attraction had been such a draw for me. I actually now question why I felt that instant attraction so I can check that it's real. I wish there was something more to the guy who makes me blush all the time but I don't think it is going to happen. Or, you could give "those guys" a chance.. the guys who are really into you but who you didn't care to see flash on your phone. Yeah I've been trying to do that. I now treat those guys almost like guys I'm really into it to see if it'll grow. I just want to give them a real chance rather than dismiss than them outright before it's too late. I tried that with the last guy, and there were ways I could have opened up more overall, but I'm still glad I actually put effort into it even though it didn't work out quite how I wanted it to. Either way -true compatibility can come in many forms - some couples had sparks from the get go. Others didn't. So true. To me I don't have to feel like I've been struck by lightning. But I like to get this feeling when you look at someone and you just feel like you're the only two people in the room. It's really hard to put your finger on it.
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